Is Cheating Ever Justified? 5 Ways People Do It

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6 Min Read

Contents

Relationships Are Complicated
Understanding How People Justify Cheating
What You Can Do When You’re Thinking About Cheating
What To Take Away

If you’ve ever been cheated on, then you’ve experienced the devastating pain and feelings of betrayal that result. What can be even worse is when your partner tries to justify their behavior. I mean, can cheating ever really be justified?

We’ve all heard the way cheaters attempt to justify their behavior.

“It just happened.”

“It didn’t mean anything.”

“It’s because we never have sex anymore.”

“It was a one-time thing.”

But has anyone cheated on ever said – "Oh! Okay, I get it" – after hearing one of these (or any other) lame excuses?

I’m comfortable saying, no.

Oh, there are “arrangements” in some relationships and those partners may tell you that cheating can be justified, but do those relationships really serve as an example of what’s healthy and happy?

Probably not.

Trust is a fundamental pillar of any healthy and respectful relationship, and cheating undermines that trust, causing significant emotional pain and harm to one’s partner.

So, cheating is just not justifiable, right?

Relationships Are Complicated

Relationships can be highly complex. There’s no one formula for handling the array of emotionally charged circumstances that can arise. And while logic says cheating won’t fix any of those situations, logic isn’t a factor when the choice to cheat is made. Or, it’s at a minimum warped when people try to justify cheating on their partner.

When people are tempted to have an affair (or actually do so) they often feel in that moment like they’re justified in their cheating.

Why?

Well, the most common circumstances that leave a relationship vulnerable to infidelity have to do with,

Unmet emotional or physical needs
Communication breakdowns
Unresolved conflicts
Growing feeling of disconnection

The inability of couples to address these issues effectively can lead to isolation and frustration, making individuals more susceptible to temptation.

While cheating isn’t a solution to these issues, it may be a misguided attempt to find what is missing within the relationship, or to escape from the emotional turbulence caused by these complications.

But does that mean cheating can be justified?

Cheating is a common reason that couples seek counseling. Dr. Kurt works weekly with couples who are trying to find a way to save their relationships after cheating has occurred. In his experience,

Having counseled people who've had affairs for more than 20 years, I can say that every person who cheats tries in some way to justify it. Most partly acknowledge, at least to themselves, that it was wrong and are conflicted between justifying it and owning their bad decision. There are a few who won't admit any wrong and insist it was justified. Is cheating ever justified? No, it is not. Can it be understandable how people make that decision? Yes, I believe so."

Understanding How People Justify Cheating

If you ask people about cheating, most will tell you it’s wrong – it just shouldn’t happen and it destroys relationships.

If you ask those who’ve cheated what they think, they’ll typically tell you the same thing. Then, they’ll let you know why their situation is different.

The majority of partners who cheat actually believe while they’re cheating that their infidelity is justified. They have to in order to make a wrong feel like a right (at least in that moment).

Let’s consider some scenarios that might be viewed as nuanced enough to make cheating justifiable to the person doing it.

1. Sexless Relationships

Being in a relationship with someone who either no longer wants sex, or can’t have sex, can leave a person in a difficult and frustrating situation.

Many people will argue that, in this case, they’re forced to choose either a life of celibacy or cheating. It’s an unfair choice to be sure, but opting to cheat comes with many pitfalls and certainly doesn’t improve the current relationship.

2. Emotional Neglect and Unmet Needs

The desire to cheat often arises when there’s a lack of emotional fulfillment in the relationship. When one partner consistently neglects the other’s emotional needs, it can create loneliness and desperation to find a connection with someone else.

In such situations, one partner may engage in an emotional affair in response to their unmet needs. And often, emotional affairs turn into physical affairs if there’s no intervention.

3. Ethical Non-Monogamy and Open Relationships

Some relationships may be built on non-traditional structures that involve consensual non-monogamy (open marriages) or polyamory. These are relationships in which partners agree to engage with others romantically or sexually while still maintaining the primary partnership.

Even though this isn’t cheating in the traditional sense, it can put partners in awkward and painful situations. The reality of these relationships can very often be much different than what partners originally imagined.

It’s important to note that even in these non-traditional relationships certain behaviors are still considered cheating.

For instance, if one partner breaks the “rules” associated with the expanded relationship, the same feelings of betrayal can occur as in a traditional relationship. In addition, these relationships are often prone to “revenge cheating” as many people have a difficult time putting jealousy aside when sharing partners.

4. Exceptional Circumstances

Occasionally, partners dealing with extreme emotional distress or in response to a traumatic event may cheat as a way of soothing themselves. The justification is that the emotional turmoil makes it excusable.

Cheating might offer a temporary escape from emotional distress, but it won’t provide a lasting solution. In fact, it will most likely intensify negative emotions due to guilt, shame, and the fear of being discovered.

5. Emotional Struggles or Midlife Crisis

Unfortunately, it’s not uncommon for someone experiencing emotional struggles or a midlife crisis to cheat. This can be in an effort to recapture feelings of youth and vitality, or as a band aid for low self-esteem or depression.

In these cases, psychological factors drive a person to look for validation of their worth and attractiveness outside their primary relationship. People in these circumstances feel like they can justify cheating because they needed to feel the love and happiness they once felt in their youth.

Ultimately, cheating on your partner will only amplify the crisis and leave a person feeling worse, along with many undeserving people as collateral damage.

So, can any of these situations justify cheating?

No, they don’t.

Even in challenging situations, there are more ethical and constructive ways to address issues about a relationship or internal struggles than resorting to infidelity.

A Note About Sexless Relationships

Perhaps the most challenging situation to reconcile when it comes to cheating is when there’s no sex in a relationship.

“I won’t have sex with you, but you can’t have sex with anyone else either.”

The frustration of the partner being pushed into choosing between celibacy and cheating can make the most moral of us feel somewhat sympathetic to infidelity.

The absence of sexual intimacy in a relationship can cause significant strain on a relationship.

However, it’s important to approach this situation with understanding and collaboration, rather than resorting to cheating.

Why?

Because sex is more than an orgasm.

Sex in a relationship,

Increases emotional intimacy
Solidifies and reinforces the bond between two people
Is a demonstration of love and connection
Releases chemicals in the brain that increase feelings of love and openness to your partner

So, if you’re in a sexless relationship, it’s essential for more than your personal satisfaction to find a way to bring some form of physical intimacy back.

What You Can Do When You’re Thinking About Cheating

Feeling tempted to cheat should be a neon sign saying, “Your problem lies elsewhere.”

It’s like closing the door because there’s a fire in the kitchen. You may not see the fire, but it’s still there and will eventually burn your house down.

Instead of cheating, consider the following tips:

Assess the relationship. Evaluate the overall state of your relationship. The temptation to cheat is indicative of deeper problems. Determining what those are and how to address them is crucial for the health and future of your relationship.
Talk. Discuss your feelings, desires, and concerns with your partner. It’s possible that your partner may not be aware of the extent of the issue or may have their own concerns to share.
Engage in new activities together. Explore alternative solutions that can help bridge the intimacy gap, such as trying new activities together that can increase your emotional connection or reignite the spark in your relationship.
Seek professional help. Consider seeking the assistance of a couple’s counselor. A professional can help you explore the underlying issues driving you apart and provide guidance on how to address them constructively.
Reevaluate the relationship. If, despite efforts to set things right, you find that the problems feel insurmountable and are causing too much ongoing distress, you should reevaluate the relationship's long-term viability. Ending a relationship before starting another is always the best choice.

What To Take Away

Can cheating be justified? The short answer - no, not in any meaningful way.

Trying to justify cheating on your partner is at minimum difficult and likely impossible – at least from their standpoint.

Regardless as to why you feel it should be okay, cheating will drive a wedge between you and your partner.

Remember,

Very few partners will agree that cheating is justifiable and okay.
Even if it seems to be acceptable in the moment, the repercussions of cheating will be detrimental to your relationship.
Rather than cheating, the more productive and healthier endeavor is to address the issues in your relationship that are pushing you in that direction.

The bottom line is that cheating can’t really ever be justified. It simply doesn’t have a place in a relationship. Trust and respect are the cornerstones of healthy partnerships, and infidelity causes profound harm to both.