Cheating Spouse

Introduction

A cheating spouse is something most of us just see in the movies, hear about in the news, or perhaps have happen to a friend. But the chance of our own spouse cheating never even occurs to us. It just seems like something that happens to other people, not to us. Then it happens – to you.

Discovering your spouse has cheated on you is so overwhelming. How could they do this? The pain can be unbearable. How do you sort through your thoughts and feelings? Just the thought that you've being cheated is paralyzing. What happens now?

How you respond plays a crucial part in determining the future of your relationship. And knowing the right way to respond and what to do next is rarely clear. If you're looking for help learning the best way to respond to cheating, you're at the right place - we'll help you. Read on.

At Guy Stuff we deal with spouses cheating every day. Helping men and women deal with this incredibly difficult situation is one of our specialties. We have nearly 20 years of experience guiding people during this painful time and helping them figure out the best next steps after cheated has occurred.

Below you'll find real-life stories from spouses who've cheated – both men and women. We'll explain what qualifies as cheating and the different forms of cheating that can take place in today's world. There are also answers to the most common questions we get asked by both those who've cheated and the ones they've cheated on.

By reading this article you'll figure out how to best respond.

Definitions

Having A Cheating Spouse

Cheating is one of the most devastating and painful things a relationship can endure. It’s not only incredibly destructive to the relationship, but is also deeply personally damaging to the people involved.

If you have a cheating spouse there are likely no words that can truly capture the hurt and anger you feel. Being in a committed relationship means you're supposed to trust and respect each other enough not to share intimacy, physical or emotional, with anyone else. When a partner has broken this trust by having an affair there's anger, pain, and many, many questions on the part of the betrayed.

While a cheating spouse doesn’t inspire much sympathy, cheating can be a difficult experience for them too. There's the guilt and shame over hurting someone you care about, knowledge that your own poor choices may have destroyed your relationship, the psychological challenges that come along with trying to understand your own behavior, are just a few. For example, Kevin (the man described above) knew at least some of the damage he was causing while he was doing it, but still didn't stop himself. What kind of a person does that?

The cheating spouse isn't going to be the only one confused. Just ask Jada. Once you've discovered your partner is cheating –  What do you do next? Try to fix the relationship? See if trust can be rebuilt? Or decide it's just too much to overcome?

Betraying your love and relationship doesn’t have an upside. However, no matter whether you're the cheated on partner or the cheating spouse it doesn’t have to be the end either.

Many couples have been able to work through the damage and problems that lead them to this point and move beyond an affair. You can too.

What Is An Emotional Affair?

Emotional affairs are the kind of cheating that doesn't really look like cheating. If you're sneaking out of a hotel room it's pretty obvious you're cheating. But if you've got this strong inner desire to tell a coworker about this cool new restaurant, why is that cheating? That's just being friendly, right? And who would ever know how badly you want to share this info with them and why anyway (like trying to impress or have them like you).

When you're dying to connect with someone other than your partner that's cheating emotionally. Forming an emotional bond with someone other than your partner, usually of the opposite sex, that takes on more importance than the one with your spouse is emotional cheating.

Almost no one goes out looking for an emotional affair. However, many, many people are prime targets for one and really want the enjoyment one will give them, but don't even know it. There are a lot of people who are already married or in a committed relationship but aren't getting their emotional needs met by their partners and feel unfulfilled. Anyone in that place is susceptible to having an emotional affair.

If you have emotional needs that are starving to be fed and an opportunity comes along to fill them your brain is going to be all over it. So people without awareness of their emotional vulnerability and a plan of how to manage temptations can easily become emotional cheaters. It can happen anywhere – on Facebook or Instagram, at the Starbucks cashier or Home Depot returns desk, even at your kid's school. It just takes someone new who's showing interest in you, is happy to see you, remembers you. Who isn't going to like that?

Besides, emotional infidelity looks more like being friendly than cheating, so it's not, right?

My Husband Cheated On Me. What Now?

When you discover your husband has cheated on you it's really hard to know what to do next. Seeing anything beyond the hurt and betrayal can seem impossible. Any wife who says, “My husband cheated on me” is sorting through a lot of strong and difficult emotions.

And it’s not only husbands who cheat on their wives. More wives than a lot people realize cheat on their husbands. This puts husbands also in the humiliatingly position of having to admit, "My wife cheated on me."

Cheating happens even more frequently in the dating world where the level of commitment is less and the lines are easier to blur. "My boyfriend cheated on me" is even more common than “My husband cheated on me.” Regardless of whether it’s your boyfriend or girlfriend, husband or wife that cheated, there are a number of things you'll have to figure out.

Here are a couple of the biggest questions you're likely asking yourself after being cheated on:

• How did this happen?

• Should you stay or go?

• Will you ever be able to trust them again?

These are just a few of the many questions you'll have to answer. Many more will be unique to your relationship and you and your partner. A multitude of questions can swirl through your head making it really difficult to figure out what to do next.

Feeling overwhelmed and confused is typically a big understatement.

The steps to take after you learn your husband cheated you can vary depending upon your specific circumstance. Every relationship is different. For instance, is the cheating still going on or did it end already? Do you really know for sure? So what you do after your boyfriend has cheated on you will depend on a number of factors.

Before you do anything, however, you need to give yourself some time and space to think and sort through your feelings.

What you don't want to do is to react out of the emotional pain you're feeling and make things worse for yourself. The anger and hurt you feel when a partner cheats on you can be so strong that you may have the urge to strike back in some way and make them feel the same hurt they have caused you. This isn’t a good plan. Revenge won’t help you get over the pain or figure out a plan for moving forward.

Because of the extreme and volatile emotions both partners can be experiencing when cheating occurs it can be very difficult to talk about the subject. Having an experienced professional counselor guide and mediate your discussion can be extremely helpful. When you're struggling to wrap your head around accepting, “My husband cheated on me,” it's also a big relief to have someone you can talk to about it who will keep it to themselves.

Why Do Men Cheat?

There are a variety of reasons for why men cheat. And since we know they aren’t the only ones, there are a range of reasons why women cheat too. The bigger question is why do people cheat on the people they love?

Unfortunately, there's no specific answer to why that applies to everybody.

The reasons a married man cheats on his wife often have as much to do with the man himself as it does with the conditions in his marriage.

There are a number of explanations cheaters will give to justify cheating, however. Some of the most common are:

• Lack of sex or dissatisfaction with the sex in the relationship

• Desire for attention and the excitement of something new

• Love being gone from the relationship

• Desire for romance, passion and that falling in love feeling

• Feeling their partner hasn't met their needs and has brought it on themselves

Although some of these may be true in a relationship – sexual dry spells happen, as do couples falling out of love – none of them make cheating on your partner acceptable for either men or women. Being in a relationship with one or more of these issues is actually very common. Despite how happy other people may look on the outside a lot of people are actually struggling and really aren't that happy on the inside. The most important thing to know is that these issues are all fixable.

Men who cheat often say they still love their partner. This may be true, but cheating obviously isn't the way to show love and doesn’t occur in healthy, stable relationships. If one partner cheats on the other, even if they do still love them, it's a sign that there were problems in the relationship that needed to be addressed before it got to that point.

The bottom line on why men cheat? Remember Kevin? He didn't set out to cheat. He just went to work and one day ended up working alongside a woman who satisfied some of his unmet needs. He was unhappy, hadn't done anything about it, opportunity presented itself, and he didn't have a plan in place to stop it.

Most men who cheat never set out to do so intentionally, but they're nevertheless still 100% responsible for choosing to do so.

What To Do When Your Husband Cheats And Lies About It

Discovering that your husband cheated on you is one of the most painful and difficult things a wife can experience. There will be a number of intense and painful emotions that you'll experience – hurt, betrayal and sadness are just a few. If your husband lies to you about cheating too, which usually happens, then your feelings will only intensify.

It's easy to allow these feelings to take over and determine how you respond, but doing so won’t help you or resolve anything. Instead, what you'll need to do when your husband cheats is keep your emotions in check and make some decisions on how to respond and move forward. But doing this is much easier said than done. So first give yourself some time and space in order to grieve and work through your feelings a bit. How much time to give yourself can vary from person to person, but at a minimum take a couple of days to a week.

In addition to the rollercoaster of emotions you're feeling there will be a million questions. It's normal to want to make sense of what happened when your husband cheats. Who is she? How long has this gone on? Have you had sex with her?

Many people have sworn if their spouse ever cheated on them they'd be gone. However, when it actually happens to you making that life altering choice isn't so easy. You may now be reconsidering that option and all the changes and hardships that would come along with it.

When your husband or wife cheats, the most important thing to do is not to let your emotions determine how you react and not to make any big decisions right away.

Once you've given yourself some time, the next step will be to find a way to communicate with your husband. This isn’t as easy as it sounds. When your husband has cheated and lied to you your anger and pain is going to be looking for a target. Anyone in that emotional state is prone to focus more on how they've been hurt rather than communicating effectively with the person who hurt them. On top of that your husband is likely to be defensive and not very cooperative. Couples in this situation find couples counseling to be a valuable resource to help them navigate such a highly emotional subject.

Besides your husband another common target for your emotions is the other woman. She's a tempting one to go after, but don't waste your time. Your problems are with your husband, not her.

When your husband cheats on you it's very easy to let your emotions get the best of you, and so you may have already reacted to him or the other woman. While the release can feel good in the moment, it never helps address the issues you ultimately need to resolve with your spouse. Even though your reaction has likely complicated things and possibly made the situation worse, it can be overcome with the right guidance.

If you feel you still love your husband, or would like to get the love back, then there is hope. Many couples have been able to overcome an affair and rebuild their relationships.

Right now that may seem impossible, but it can happen. It takes patience and hard work from both partners, however. 

Why Do I Always Get Cheated On?

If you're being routinely cheated on then there's a problem and you're right to be asking why. Although each situation of a partner cheating on you is going to be different, there will be some common elements among all of them that help explain some of the reasons why cheating is happening. To really answer this question, however, you've got to be prepared to look at yourself honestly and be ready to make some changes.

First, obviously you're attracting the wrong people. While this isn't likely a new concept, keeping this in mind as you consider other elements is important. So as you continue to read be on the lookout for any possible reasons why you attract partners who cheat on you. 

Second, you're also attracted to the wrong people. This can take some deeper exploring to truly understand the psychological reasons why. Despite their positive characteristics (physical appearance, personality, etc.), someone who's not considerate of you and likely even outright disrespectful shouldn't be a person you want to be with. So why are you attracted to someone who mistreats you and could cheat?

Start by considering the "type" of person you're attracted to and those that are drawn to you. What are the common traits for each? 

Your goal for dating shouldn't just be to attract people, but to attract people who respect and love you enough not to hurt you by cheating. You should be seeking the kind of person who will respect you enough to tell you they want to be with someone else before doing so.

When choosing a partner or determining whether to stay in a relationship the positives should outweigh the negatives. There's no doubt you're going to feel conflicted about the relationship and it can be a really difficult decision to end it, but if you have a partner who doesn't respect you the mistreatment will only get worse.

If you really want to know the answer to why you always get cheated on then you'll need to answer these questions honestly – even if it's painful and takes time to come to terms with the truth:

• Why do you attract partners who cheat on you?

• Why are you attracted to someone who would cheat on you?

Part of the problem with your poor choice in partners is that you're either not seeing or ignoring the red flags. These are not small, insignificant issues like wearing mismatched socks, but serious character issues that indicate they may not be trustworthy, honest, or respectful enough not to cheat on you.

For example, here's a red flag from someone we're working with at Guy Stuff:

While on a date early on in their relationship Matt realized that Sara had been gone for quite a while after she had gotten up to go to the car to "get something." So he went to look for her and found her in the parking lot kissing an old boyfriend. He knew this wasn't right and was upset about it, but accepted her excuses and apologies and continued dating her. Eventually they ended up married. She is now soon to be his ex-wife as she ended up cheating on him for the last several years of their marriage.

When Sara couldn't resist the temptation to kiss her ex it should have been a red flag for Matt. Part of the reason he attracted her in the first place was because he was someone she could do that to. A person who is only attracted to people who value them would've walked away after that date, and may never have even gone out with her in the first place. Matt didn't and that's why he says, "I always get cheated on" too.

There is Hope 

I Cheated On My Wife, So How Do I Fix It?

If you've cheated on your wife you're likely struggling with a lot of guilt. Maybe also regret, remorse, or just wish there was a reset button that could make it all go away. And you're probably also wondering if there's a way to fix it.

There are a couple of big questions every man struggles to answer when he's cheated on his wife:

• What do I do next?

• Should I tell my wife I cheated or do I spare her the pain of knowing that I betrayed her?

These are two really tough questions to ponder. And, understandably, knowing how to answer them is even harder. Perhaps that's why you're on this site reading this right now. You need some perspective and guidance from someone who's walked this path before. It's true at Guy Stuff that we've got a lot of experience helping men navigate the treacherous waters when they've cheated.

To answer to the questions of what do you do and should you tell her is going to depend on a couple of factors:

• Is the affair still happening?

• Even if it's not, are you still in communication or contact with the other woman?

Most guys don't end cheating very decisively. It usually tails off over time rather than clearly ending. Stopping the relationship is also usually much easier said than done. Most men feel very conflicted at this stage and don't know what they want to do, so they're hesitant to make any big decisions that eliminate options.

If you've cheated and truly do want to fix it then you've got begin by focusing on 2 areas:

1. Trust
2. Problems and Changes

Having an affair destroys the trust in a marriage, even if you think your wife doesn't know. It’s also an indication that there were problems in the relationship to begin with. So if you've cheated on your spouse, and you value your marriage, you'll need to start to take steps to rebuild the trust and fix the problems that existed prior to the affair (not just the ones caused by it).

Doing this is not easy. Just thinking about what it could take can be daunting and overwhelming.

And it isn’t usually successful when you try to do it alone. In order to fix the problems cheating on your wife creates, and address the other issues in the marriage, all couples really need the assistance of a professional marriage counselor who's walked this path before. An experienced counselor can help you see problems you cannot see on your own and can give you the tools needed to make the repairs and changes needed to find a happy future together.

The Rest of the Story

Kevin

The affair with Hailey was fun. It gave him an escape from the monotony of his daily routine and made him feel wanted again. But even though those things were true, he still wasn’t happy.

He always felt tense and on edge, and something was always nagging in the back of his mind. He guessed it was probably guilt, but he didn’t want to admit it. I mean, Jada didn’t seem to want him, so why should he feel guilty over spending time with someone who did?

He thought about leaving Jada, but nothing about that idea felt good or right. He imagined having a real relationship with Hailey, but he wasn’t certain about that idea either. The fact was that he didn’t know what he wanted or whom he loved. But at this point he had messed things up so much that he was pretty sure Jada would leave him if she knew he was cheating.

Jada clearly suspected something. She was suspicious all the time, always interrogating him about his calls and whereabouts. He could tell she didn’t trust him.

He wondered if he should tell her about his cheating . . .

• How could that go over well?

• Was it possible they'd be able to work through it?

• Would she really leave him?

• Would she scream, throw things, or even try and contact Hailey?

With all of these questions constantly swirling in his head, and the guilt and sneaking around – he was exhausted. When Jada finally confronted him and asked if he was having an affair he confessed. He told her he didn’t love the other woman, he loved her and wanted to work things out.

They fought for hours about his cheating until she finally packed a bag and left. After a few days of staying at her mom’s she called and said she wasn’t sure they could get through this, but if he was willing to try counseling she would too. But - she said – no promises. He took it, it seemed the least he could do. And he really did want to try to work things out.

Jada

 Jada felt like she was simmering all the time. She had become obsessed with monitoring Kevin’s every move. She questioned him daily about his calls, texts, and what was going on at work. Since he wouldn't give her the password to his phone she looked at the phone records, but nothing appeared unusual (it was all work calls).

She hated the person she had become. Or, more appropriately in her mind, the person Kevin had forced her to become.

She was so confused. His behavior and explanations just didn't match up. This left her torn between not speaking to him and yelling at him. Sometimes she wanted to leave, other times she just wanted him to prove her wrong – that he'd been recruited by the FBI or CIA or something – and tell her how much he loved her. Not that she would've believed anything he said at this point anyway, but it would be nice to hear.

And she felt so alone! She had plenty of girlfriends, but telling them she thought Kevin was cheating on her felt like it would be too humiliating. They thought he was the perfect husband. Wouldn’t they wonder what she had done to drive him away? Would they blame her? Tell her how she could've prevented it? She really didn’t think so, but it still seemed too hard to say those words out loud.

The worst day of her life was the day that she finally got up the nerve to ask Kevin directly if he was having an affair. She was still shocked when he said, yes, and confirmed her worst fears.

For a moment she felt like she was spinning, not just her head, her whole being. She was worried she might pass out or vomit, or both. And at the same time she was strangely glad and relieved she knew, she also wished she had never asked. It was so confusing, and overwhelming and the pain made it hard for her hear almost anything he had to say. So she did the only thing she felt she could do. She packed up the kids and left. If she hadn’t she was afraid of what she might have done.

After a few days she called Kevin. He had left message after message and said he loved her and he wanted to work it out. He wanted her to come home. He wanted her to forgive him. But she didn’t know what she wanted.

Somewhere within her she thought she still loved him. It was hard to tell though through all the pain and hate she was feeling. She needed help. She needed – they needed – someone to help them figure out if there was any way to salvage their marriage.

So when she called she said they needed to go to counseling. It was the only way – their only hope. Kevin agreed.

Counseling was rough, really rough. They both were brutally honest with each other - about the affair, their unhappiness, the hurts that had built up over the years. But they stuck with it. And with Dr. Kurt's guidance they were able to not only get past Kevin's cheating but also rebuild their relationship.

With our help they now have a plan they follow to both protect their relationship from another affair as well as strengthen the love between them.

Does Kevin and Jada's story sound familiar?

A cheating spouse causes what can seem like irreparable damage. And without help the destruction is often unfixable. However, with professional guidance it's possible not just to save your marriage but make it better than it's ever been.

Yes, better than ever is possible after cheating. We know. We've seen it.

What To Do Next

A spouse can cheat in an instance, but repairing the damage can take some time.

There is HOPE no matter how hopeless it seems.

We know how incredibly hard it is to cope with the reality of a spouse who cheats on you. Over the years we’ve heard countless stories from both men and women trying to understand how their relationships got to this point and if there is any possible way to heal the damage.

At Guy Stuff we successfully work with couples trying to resurrect the love, rebuild the trust, and find hope for a happy future. This one of the reasons why over 300,000 people just like you visit the Guy Stuff website every month looking for answers and hope. We understand the challenges each couple faces when cheating occurs are as different as each couple.

One of the toughest things can be determining if cheating is really happening and what to do about it.

That's why we’ve designed a series of simple questions to help you examine your relationship for possible cheating. Our Cheating Spouse Quiz can help you identify the challenges you face as couple and give an idea of the areas that need to change.

Take our Cheating Spouse Quiz and you’ll learn:

• The common symptoms to look for in your relationship that may indicate your spouse is cheating (or if you may be cheating and not have recognized it)
  
  
• How your situation compares to what others just like you are going through
  
  
• What resources you can turn to for more insights and help

And you’ll get next steps to set you on the path to clarity so you’re ready to move forward.

Take the Cheating Spouse Quiz Now (click the orange button below)

Please Note: The Cheating Spouse Quiz is in its final stages and will be released next month. In the meantime, please take our Love is Gone Quiz to learn what problems contributed to getting to this point.