Abusive Relationship

Introduction

One of the unique aspects about an abusive relationship is that many people don't even realize they're in one. Neither the person being abused nor the abuser usually recognizes that abuse is occurring. Both rationalize that it's love not really abuse. You'll be able to see that in the story below about Debbie and Scott's abusive relationship.

Confusion and a warped sense of what's normal are both typical of abusive relationships.

If you're concerned that you or someone you care about may be in an abusive relationship then you're likely to have many questions and concerns. One of the biggest questions people have is, "How do I know for sure?" The information below will help you figure that out.

It can be hard for either partner to admit their relationship is abusive. What comes along with that admission is embarrassment, shame, and uncertainty, even fear, over how it can change. And what's required for change to happen is honesty, an open mind, and courage.

The experts at Guy Stuff who wrote this article have nearly 20 years of experience in treating relationship abuse. Below you'll find real-life examples of abuse, a definition of relationship abuse and the different types of abuse, and find answers to the most common questions we get asked about abuse in romantic relationships by both women and men.

Read this article and you won't be confused anymore.

Definition

Understanding An Abusive Relationship

Abusive behavior in a relationship can happen in many ways. The most common forms of relationship abuse are physical, emotional, verbal, mental, sexual and financial. Any set of behaviors that are intended to harm, manipulate or control the other partner are considered abuse.

An abusive relationship develops when one partner tries to exert power over the other partner through an intentional series of actions. There are a number of ways abusive behavior can occur, but regardless of how the abuse is happening, the primary purpose of the abuse is control.

Most often people think of physical violence when discussing abusive relationships, but the range of behaviors that fall into the category of abuse is much larger than just physical aggression.

Patterns of abuse can include any of the following:

• Physical harm or use of physical intimidation

• Threats of any kind

• Psychological or emotional intimidation

• Demeaning or insulting language

• Controlling social interactions

• Manipulation of affection

• Controlling access to finances

Relationships almost never start out being abusive. In fact, many female victims of spousal abuse will say they never could've imagined their husband becoming abusive. The same is even truer for men – as women can also become abusers in a relationship too. Although this may seem rare, it's not. Because the typical stereotype is a man abusing a woman, the idea that they could be abused by a woman isn't something that occurs to most men.

An abusive relationship generally starts off the same way any other relationship does – with two people falling in love. This love is one of the things that can make recognizing spousal abuse very difficult and make getting out of an abusive marriage even harder.

It isn't always easy to recognize you're being abused. An abuser will usually tell their partner they love them and what they're doing is for their good. Because of the love they shared initially, and the victims desire to believe their partner still loves them, they can easily confuse the abusive behavior with loving actions. But abuse isn't love no matter what an abuser says. Regardless of the explanation, abusive actions are unacceptable in any relationship.

Abusers want to control their partner. The means by which they accomplish this will be affected by the circumstances and psychology of the abuser themselves. Whatever the approach, their goal is to get their partner to do what they want.

It's vitally important that partners realize that abusive behavior in any relationship isn’t normal or acceptable. A healthy relationship doesn’t include any of the behaviors listed above – even if they're justified as being done out of love or for the person's good.

What Is An Abusive Relationship Really Like?

An abusive relationship can arise in a number of different ways. Domestic violence is a term most people are familiar with and believe is used to describe physical abuse. In actuality domestic violence encompasses all forms of relationship abuse. A number of terms are interchangeably used to describe an abusive relationship – domestic violence, domestic abuse, marital abuse, spousal abuse, and intimate partner violence.

Being abused doesn’t have to only mean you're being hit or beaten. For example, physical abuse can also include other forms of physical aggression, such as throwing things, punching holes in walls, blocking doorways, taking and refusing to give back personal items such as house or car keys or a cell phone.

We all know that physical abuse is wrong and needs to be stopped, but many discount or don’t even recognize the other ways abuse can show up in a relationship. There are several other equally as damaging, sometimes more so, ways a person can be abused.

What an abusive relationship also includes are any of the following:

• Emotional Abuse

• Verbal Abuse

• Mental or Psychological Abuse

• Sexual Abuse

• Financial abuse

Emotional Abuse

One of the most common types of abuse in a relationship is emotional. Just as with physical abuse, emotional abuse is about power and control. However, with emotional abuse there are no bruises or broken bones as evidence of the hurt inflicted. The damage is subtle and not outwardly obvious when emotion is used as the method to abuse.

Much like Scott in the example above, a man emotionally abusing his wife can act as though he knows what’s best for her and may say his criticisms are for her own good. He'll undermine her self-esteem by causing her to question her own abilities and self-worth. These things are often said they're being done in the name of love, but love isn’t the driving factor – power is.

Emotional abusers can also use their love and affection as leverage to get what they want, making receiving their love conditional on their partners behavior. They may make their partner feel unworthy of being loved unless they do as the abuser wants.

Verbal Abuse

Verbal abuse often goes hand-in-hand with emotional abuse. It most often takes the form of repeated name calling, insults and put downs that eventually take a toll by destroying a person's identity and self-confidence. While it's easy to assume that verbal abuse would be obvious, like the abuser who yells and berates his partner loudly in public, this is more the exception than the rule as most abusers are careful not to expose their behavior to others.

Again, the example of Scott shows how a perpetrator of abuse can use two types of abuse simultaneously:

He verbally abuses Debbie by calling her a "dumb, lazy bitch" while at the same time is emotionally abusing her with those same words.

Even though someone outside the family isn't likely to hear him say this to her, if a casual observer did overhear it they might think his language is a bit strong but not see it as a potentially abusive relationship.

Mental Abuse

Just as emotional and verbal abuse are often interconnected, mental abuse can be intertwined with them as well. Often abusers will use a number of forms of abuse at the same time and won't even know they're doing it. Mind games are an example of mental abuse that cause a partner to question their own thoughts and feelings, what is true and not true, real and not real. Leaving them dependent on the abuser to know the difference.

Scott repeatedly tells Debbie her cooking tastes like "crap" because she uses too many spices. She's tried cooking without using any spices and he hates it. She's stopped using certain spices and he still doesn't like it. Rather than think the problem might be Scott, she believes what he tells her – she's a "bad cook."

Gaslighting is another example of mental abuse that is seen in relationships. When someone attempts to manipulate someone by making them question their own sanity and reality they're gaslighting them. Eventually the abuser makes his or her partner feel totally unable to function without them because they no longer trust their own thoughts or instincts.

In the case of Scott and Debbie, Scott’s cruel and demeaning words were beginning to change Debbie’s view of herself. Where she once felt confident and intelligent, she was now starting to believe Scott when he tells her she is incompetent and stupid. This is a clear example of mental abuse in a relationship.

Sexual Abuse

Sexual abuse is any unwanted sexual activity forced by one person on another. Rape or child molestation is what comes to mind for most people when the term sexual abuse is used. However, sexual abuse can occur within romantic relationships as well. Typically it's much harder to see since the relationship already includes an expectation of consensual sex.

Examples of abusive sexual behavior can be the husband who demands oral sex from his wife – "give me an orgasm" – whether she wants to or not. Groping, fondling or sexual activity while a partner is asleep and not willingly participating is another that isn't uncommon in long-term relationships.

Financial Abuse

Finances are a challenging topic for most couples. This makes it easier for financial abuse to go unrecognized. Actions to manage spending can easily cross the line into controlling and abusive behavior. Partners who withhold financial information or keep secrets about money activity are being abusive financially. Ways this frequently occurs is a partner having an undisclosed credit card and accumulating debt that is kept hidden. Or the partner who's kept from having equal access to the family finances and has to ask for money to spend can be a form of financial abuse.

What an abusive relationship is like most often is subtle. Since there's not a black eye the abuse doesn't really look like abuse.

Another thing that all forms of domestic abuse have in common is that they tend to start slowly and get worse over time. Nearly all abusive relationships start in a somewhat normal fashion with both partners feeling in love and hopeful. Because of this people usually don’t even recognize they're being abused when it begins. By the time they, or someone else, realizes what’s happening they're scared, lack confidence, and often feel as though they're the cause of the behavior.

Why Are Some Men Controlling?

The line between showing care and concern for a partner and being controlling can sometimes get blurred. Since the outward behavior often looks the same at first glance, deciphering the difference ultimately comes down to the motivation. Is their behavior serving you or them? Are they seeking what is in your best interest or theirs? As has already been mentioned, abusers seek power and so controlling men are ultimately after power, not care for you.

What kinds of things can men want to control about their partners? You name it. But some of the most common areas where this occurs are:

• Money

• Family & household responsibilities

• Friends

• Where you go

• How you spend your time

What does controlling behavior look like?

• Having to know what you're doing on your phone

• Questioning how you're using your time

• Blowing-up your phone when they don't know where you're at

"Where are you? I'm worried about you." Sounds like a caring partner doesn't it? Maybe, maybe not. It's not care and concern if it's done solely to make the questioner feel good.

Why are some men controlling? They can be controlling for a variety of reasons. Generally speaking, they're likely insecure and not comfortable enough with themselves to trust your decision making. It's really about them and not you. Some are narcissistic. Even though being a controlling man is a characteristic of narcissism this alone doesn't make a man a narcissist.

We all want to control our lives and surroundings. Unfortunately, so much of it isn't within our control. It takes a certain amount of confidence to accept the truth that we aren't really in control of much. Some people, controlling men in particular, really struggle with this fact. It makes them very uncomfortable, so they fight against it by trying to control everything in their lives, including and especially their partner.

When Your Spouse Says Hurtful Things

Does any of the following sound familiar?

“I know my husband loves me – he tells me all the time. And he would NEVER hit me or anything like that. But he calls me names a lot. He says he doesn’t mean it – it’s just what he does when I make him mad. Is it abuse when my spouse says hurtful things to me? I mean, I’m sure if I didn’t do so many things to tick him off he would stop, right?”

Yes, this is abuse. Making someone mad doesn’t give them the right to call you names or make you question your worth. Nothing any of us does entitles someone to be abusive like this towards us.

All couples get angry at each other from time-to-time, but communication in a healthy relationship doesn’t include name-calling or put-downs. Repeatedly telling someone they're stupid, dumb, worthless, a bitch, or any other derogatory name crosses the line into verbal abuse.

The same can be said of a husband who mocks when you argue.

“Oh look, the pathetic little woman is crying – again. Why don’t you act like an adult and not such a sad little loser?”

Speaking to anyone like this is wrong and also falls into the category of abuse. A healthy relationship between two people who are loving and respectful toward each other won’t include these kinds of demeaning descriptions. Even if it's explained away as humor or sarcasm, it's still not okay.

So why is your husband so mean to you? There are a number of possible reasons. He could be angry, stressed, or hurting and doesn't manage those feelings well, or he may take them out on you to make himself feel better. He may have low self-esteem and when your husband calls you stupid it also makes him feel better. It's also likely he lacks empathy for others and so your pain doesn't bother him like it would most people.

Remember the motivation behind an abuser's words or actions is control. When your spouse says hurtful things to you it's to control your actions, thoughts or feelings. They're seeking to get you to do what they want. Why they want to do this varies from person-to-person (some reasons are listed above) and can be very psychologically complicated.

Is Yelling Abuse?

This can be a tricky one. Yes, yelling can be abuse when it becomes a regular pattern of behavior, but it's not always. Raising your voice or yelling is something we've all done at some point. Generally it happens when we're angry and have a lapse of self-control.

Yelling at your husband because he just recorded over your wedding video for instance isn’t necessarily abusive, but yelling at him and calling him a "worthless idiot" on a regular basis is.

Unfortunately, yelling can become accepted as just the way partners talk to each other. In counseling sessions it's common to hear either "my husband yells at me" or about a wife yelling at her husband. Many of us grew up in families where yelling and screaming was normal and so we see it as a normal way to communicate. This is Scott's story – his dad did the same thing – and is partly why he doesn't see his yelling at Debby as a problem.

Frequent yelling in relationships, however, is an element of verbal abuse. People who verbally abuse can struggle with anger management problems and so yelling is one way their anger gets expressed. Not learning how to manage anger is how someone can become abusive who wouldn't other wise do so. Problems with anger can also potentially escalate into even more dangerous forms of abuse, such as physical abuse.

If you've told your partner to "stop yelling at me" and they've refused to change how they talk to you then the yelling has become verbal abuse. When a person is made aware of what they're doing and the negative affect it's having and they still refuse to change then it's a problem.

If talking to them and asking them to modify their communication style or work on the anger issues driving their behavior isn’t working, it's time to get help.

There is Hope 

How To Get Abusive Relationship Help

Recognizing that you need help with an abusive relationship is a big first step. Changing an abusive relationship or getting out of one, however, is no easy task.

It's normal to feel helpless when it comes to stopping abuse or trapped in being able to break away from your abuser. You may also be holding on to the idea of the love you once shared and hopeful it could still return, or possibly truly feel like you've done something to deserve the way you're treated. The way victims' think about themselves and their situation gets twisted is an important reason why you'll need help with your abusive relationship.

Your partner will likely make it difficult for things to change. They may cause you to be fearful that you'll lose them. They can use your love to create guilt and doubt in your mind about your ability to live without them. They may threaten to harm you or even themselves if you leave. None of these are reasons you should continue to accept their abusive behavior. It's just another indication of why you need to look for help for what is clearly an abusive relationship.

Victims of abuse aren't responsible for their abusers behavior. A wife who is suffering physical abuse didn’t do anything to make her husband hit her. And a man whose wife routinely calls him names and threatens to leave him and take their kids didn’t do anything to make that behavior acceptable.

Keep telling yourself that no one deserves to be abused, including you, and getting help is the right move. An abusive relationship doesn't magically improve on its own, so if your circumstances are going to change it's going to be up to you to make it happen.

Changing an abusive relationship can be very difficult to do on your own. If you can, look to those who love you for support and assistance. Not everyone has someone though. But if there's a family member or friend you can confide in do so.

Suffering abuse can be embarrassing and shameful to admit, but it's not – it's courageous and necessary. Breaking the silence is so important.

There are also resources in many communities for victims of abusive relationships staffed with people trained and ready to help you move forward and stay safe. You can find these resources locally or through the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233.

An abusive partner is the one who ultimately needs to make the biggest changes. And change can happen, but it takes time, work and the assistance of a qualified counselor. It may also require time and space away from one another. If talking, efforts to set boundaries, and requests for respectful behavior haven’t gone anywhere, you may need to separate for a period of time. Your physical and emotional safety is what's most important. Time apart can also be a wake-up call for your partner to see their part in your abusive relationship as well as their need for help too.

The Rest of the Story

Debbie

One more outburst and Debbie was done.

After another night of him telling her she's a "lazy bitch” she'd had enough. Through her tears she looked at Scott and felt nothing but hatred.

For a brief moment she thought that if he were dead things would be so much easier. With that thought a wave of nausea ripped though her and she cried harder.

This wasn’t supposed to be the way things went. Marriage wasn’t supposed to mean constant anxiety and unhappiness. Tomorrow she was going to get some help - if not for her and Scott, then for her and the kids. There had to be something she could do because she knew that she couldn’t do this anymore.

So Debbie started looking for help. Little did she know that Scott would end up doing the same thing that night.

Scott

Scott looked at Debbie as she was crying. It didn’t used to be like this. She didn’t use to make him so mad, or push his buttons so much.

He wondered what had changed - Was it her? Could it be him? He didn't like to see her cry, and disliked even more that the kids saw her cry and heard him yell so much.

His dad had been like that and as a kid he had hated seeing the way he acted. He hated his dad now. Would the kids hate him some day, he wondered. He didn’t want that.

He didn’t want so much hate in his house and in his head, but he didn’t know how to get rid of it. This wasn’t the way he wanted their lives to go, yet he didn’t know how to change things. Maybe he needed to find someone to talk to who could understand.

So Scott picked up his phone and started searching. He knew he didn't want to go to the typical counselor. He wasn't going to be told he was wrong by someone who doesn't get what his life is really like.

When he stumbled upon the Guy Stuff website something just felt right.

Sure, Dr. Kurt didn't sugar coat it about what was wrong about Scott's behavior, but even though that was uncomfortable to hear he liked that the "doc" was a "straight shooter." Scott didn't want a bunch of B.S. and he didn't get it here. He also liked that he read in Dr. Kurt's bio that he struggles with anger too.

Scott didn't tell Debbie what he'd found. He wanted to keep it to himself at first.

After he'd met with Dr. Kurt a few times he decided to tell Debbie. She said she'd noticed a change in him, but didn't know where it was coming from. She was thrilled and proud of him. She knew it really took a lot for Scott to admit he had a problem and ask for help.

There was a lot about their relationship that needed to change. Scott learned how to better manage his anger and stress. Debbie got her self-confidence back and learned how to set limits on how Scott talked to her. They both learned healthier ways to communicate and how better to love and respect each other.

You'd never recognize them today. Yes, Scott still has his stressful job and has to control his anger, but he and Debby love each other and you can see it in how they treat each other.

Is there any part of Debbie and Scott’s story that you can relate to?

Relationship abuse can become a normal part of life, so it can be hard sometimes to really see it as the problem it really is.

Fortunately, people can change. With abuse it just usually takes a little help.

What To Do Next

Abuse in relationships has typically gone on for some time, so reversing it takes time too.

Even though it can be difficult to change, there is hope.

We know how demoralizing it is to have a partner tell you they love you but act in ways that says they really don't. Through the years we’ve heard countless stories from women and men trying to understand how their relationships have gotten to this point and what they can do to change them.

At Guy Stuff we successfully work with couples wanting to learn to love each other better. This one of the reasons why over 300,000 people just like you visit the Guy Stuff website every month looking for answers and hope.

We understand how difficult an abusive relationship can be and the specific issues each couple faces are as different as the couples themselves.

That's why we’ve designed a series of simple questions to help you assess if your relationship really is an abusive one. Our Abusive Relationship Quiz can help you identify the challenges you face as couple and give ideas of the areas that need the most work.

By taking out Abusive Relationship Quiz you’ll learn:

• The common symptoms to look for in your relationship that may indicate your partner is abusive (or if you may be abusive and not have recognized it)

• How your situation compares to what others just like you are going through

• What resources you can turn to for more insights and help

And you’ll get next steps to set you on the path to clarity so you’re ready to move forward.

Take the Abusive Relationship Quiz Now.

Please Note: The Abusive Relationship Quiz is in its final stages and will be released next month. In the meantime, please take either our Partner Rater Quiz to learn what problems contributed to getting to this point.