Abusive Women Look Like These 7 Examples

examples-of-abusive-women

5 Min Read

Contents

Why It's So Easy To Overlook An Abusive Woman
What Do Abusive Women Look Like?
What To Do About A Woman Who's Abusive
Takeaways About Dealing With Abusive Women
Readers Share What They Think (40+ Comments)

When it comes to abusive partners it seems like men get all the focus and blame. This is largely because men are usually more obvious with their abuse, such as becoming physically or verbally abusive.

But what about women?

Abusive women are more common than people might think, and they’re also harder to recognize.

When a woman becomes abusive its generally in subtler, less flagrant ways than men, making it more difficult to spot. Abuse by women is often hidden and typically doesn't leave obvious wounds like a black eye.

Why It’s So Easy To Overlook An Abusive Woman

Not only do women abuse in less obvious ways, but the men they abuse are also typically very reluctant to admit to anyone (including themselves) that they’re being abused.

Being abused by a woman can be emasculating and embarrassing. And since many men view themselves (or want to) as the dominant one in the relationship, it doesn’t seem like it should even be possible.

Because of this most men never tell anyone about the abuse and go to great lengths to hide it.

However, if you’re a man in a relationship with an abusive woman you’re far from alone.

Abuse by a woman can be sneaky and chalked up to “just the way women are” or a woman being “fickle.”

But no matter how it’s explained, abuse is abuse, regardless of who’s doing it – even if it’s a woman.

What Abusive Women Look Like

So, what do abusive women really look like in real life?

Here are 7 common abusive behaviors practiced by women, along with descriptions from real life partners.

While a man can also use these tactics, women more often utilize them to hurt those they're supposed to love. A couple of these behaviors are also far more prevalent in women.

1. Anger & Yelling

We all can yell from time to time, but a woman who's abusive does it regularly, and often without a clear reason.

One of the things that can make a relationship especially abusive is the constant uncertainty created by explosive and unpredictable behavior. Obviously, this behavior is not exclusive to just women.

I believe my wife is regularly emotionally abusive towards me. When she yells and puts me down and says mean things I get upset and say mean things back to her. How do I not react when she pushes my buttons with her abuse?" -Adam

2. Demanding

Being demanding isn't just about having unrealistic or unfair expectations, it’s also be about being selfish.

A guy I'm counseling has an abusive wife who's very demanding of him. Her behavior ranges from expecting him to get her water when she wants it, to putting her gym bag in the car, to taking care of her horses daily. You name it –she demands it.

In such cases there are often repercussions if the woman’s demands aren’t met.

She may get angry, call him names, pout, give him the cold shoulder, or withhold sex. Whatever the response, its purpose is to condition and train him to do what she wants when she wants it.

3. Controlling

This is one that can be hard to spot and is often something you feel more than you see.

Controlling behavior can look like,

Being concerned about your well-being
Wanting you to call while you're away from home
Expecting immediate responses to every communication
Making all the plans and telling you what you will and won’t be doing

The motivation is her need to have power and be in control.

"Where are you?"
"Who are you talking/texting?"
"Who are you with?"
"Why were you talking to her/him?"

Some partners even monitor their spouse’s social media or track their location through apps.

I’ve been researching emotional abuse, and I think I'm heading down that path to being emotionally abusive to my husband. One example is I'm pretty controlling if he wants to go to a party or event and his ex girlfriend is there I guilt him into not going and I get jealous way to easy. I have been cheated on in the past and have had bad relationships. I'm letting fear ruin this one. He has never proven to be a Cheater but my mind keeps thinking every guy is. He's such a good man I want to trust him so bad." -Anna

4. Demeaning & Belittling

Sadly, it's not uncommon for partners to put each other down and just excuse it as humor.

Abusive women can be very skilled at demeaning their partner in this way. Name calling or put downs are common forms of this type of abuse.

My wife is abusive. As a child she was sexually abused and as a 19 year old she was raped. We have been together since she was 18. She is now 23. We have a one year old daughter. She is always angry and impatient with me and our daughter, referring to our daughter as "little a**hole" or "little turd" and calls her retarded. I get called much worse names however my concern is for our daughter. My wife has voiced to me on many occasion that she wish she hadn’t gotten married so young and that she wished she didn't have a baby. That she wants to feel free that she wants to run away from us because we make her angry, we tie her down. That it isn't fair that she hasn't had a life. As a result I have been abused physically, mentally and emotionally over the passed few years we have been married and my daughter verbally abused and border line physically abused. I feel like I have tried everything but I'm your classic "nice guy". Too afraid to make her angry." -Nate

5. Silent Treatment

This one is a relationship killer.

It can seem normal after a fight for partners not to talk for a while, but the silent treatment is much, much more than that and much, much worse.

This is an intentional choice not to communicate with the aim of hurting the other partner and in some cases it can go on for days and even weeks.

My wife is very verbally abusive to me. She says horrible hateful things and has rage issues. She dumps all over me and then will not talk to me for a week. I feel helpless. I refuse to engage because I'm a Christian and to me this behavior is very ungodly." -Bruce

6. Undermining

This is another one that can be tricky to spot.

Undermining behavior can be excused away with statements such as, "I didn't hear you" or "I forgot."

It can look accidental, like a simple mistake, but when there's a regular pattern of it it's usually not.

This can lead to gaslighting as well.

“You never told me that” when you actually did, or “I told you about that, you just didn’t listen” when she never did.

Over time you start to doubt yourself and your own sanity.

7. Withholding Affection and/or Sex

Abusive women commonly use this one to hurt or punish a man.

While sex should really only happen when both partners are feeling close to each other, willfully withholding sex to exercise power or hurt is wrong and damaging to the connection between partners.

I have been verbally abusive toward my husband and have accused him many times for being unfaithful. Then I won't let him touch me sexually. How can I stop the jealousy? I don't want to be a psycho jealous wife." -Lori

What To Do About A Woman Who's Abusive

One of the first things you should do is ask for help.

As you can see from the quotes above, and probably already know if you're in a similar situation, dealing with an abusive woman can be overwhelming and seem like there's nothing you can do about it.

One of the effects of being in relationships with abusive women is believing that the abuse is your fault and there's always something you should being doing differently to make it stop.

While it's true you can have an impact on changing things, it's also very important that you don't take on responsibility for your partner's behavior.

The needed change can only happen if they take responsibility.

So, what can you do?

Get professional counseling help.

While family and friends have good intentions, only someone with training and experience is really going to be able to effectively help you.

Set boundaries and limits for the treatment you'll accept.

This is hard to know how to do, which is why having a professional help and support you is so important.

Takeaways About Dealing With Abusive Women

If you’re dealing with an abusive woman it’s easy to feel stuck. Especially if you’re like most men and have a hard time admitting you’re being abused by a woman.

But change is possible if you admit it.

I work with men and women every day who get help and learn how to make change happen.

As you can see from the two women quoted earlier, even abusive women can recognize their behavior is bad and want to change it.

Do you know any abusive women? If you've had firsthand experience with a woman who's abusive please share your story with others by leaving a comment below. You can remain anonymous.

Editor's Note: This post was originally published Feb 15, 2018, updated on April 26, 2022, and has been updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.