Would you recognize Emotional Manipulation In Your Marriage? Check the signs of Emotional Manipulation In Marriage and how you can stop being manipulated.
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Have you ever been guilty of verbally abusing the people you love?
“No, of course not!” is probably your first thought.
But think hard. Abusing someone verbally can take many forms and be far easier to ‘accidentally’ do than you may realize.
It's possible for any of us to be verbally abusive.
It may not be intentional, but that doesn't mean we aren't still being abusive with our words, the way we use them, and the tone or volume with which we say them.
There’s an old saying, “You always hurt the ones you love.”
Unfortunately, it tends to be true.
In my experience counseling individuals and couples, I’ve seen it proven over and over – we're truly more likely to be verbally abusive towards the people we love.
It really is those closest to us who don't always get our best side, even if we do really love them. I see it every day in marriage counseling. Sometimes, over time what becomes a normal way to talk to a partner can actually be verbally abusive.
How could this be?
Why would we ever want to hurt someone we love?
Well, for most people, we don’t want to, but we still do.
Verbal abuse can be a result of poor communication, anger issues, or just proximity.
The people we love the most tend to be the ones we share the bulk of our lives with – spouses, children, and other family members. They’re the ones we’re closest to, most comfortable with, and feel the safest around.
While logically this should also mean they’re the ones we treat the kindest and with the most respect, the truth is that when logic breaks down and emotion takes over, they can be the ones we show our ugly side to first.
Think of children who are always polite and well-behaved around strangers. Those same children may back-talk and act out only when around their parents, not because they hate their parents, but because they feel safe around them and loved by them.
Does that make bad behavior okay or excusable?
No, not at all.
For children that safe environment allows for a pushing of boundaries and expressions of immaturity that results in using poor behavior as an outlet for frustration and anger. This is where parenting enters in to teach them better and more appropriate coping methods.
Adults, however, are expected to have these skills already firmly in place. But many of us simply don’t.
As adults we can experience all levels of stress during a day. And sometimes the effort it takes to cope and get along as we work and interact with others can push us to the edge, leading to a meltdown at any small trigger when back home around the people we love.
What’s next?
Verbal abuse.
If this response goes unchecked it can become the norm, leading to regularly verbally abusing the people we’re supposed to love the most.
So, how can we stop verbally abusing those we love?
Here's a post I wrote on our social media page a while back about how we verbally abuse the wrong people and where we need to begin if we want to stop it.
Change requires HONESTY.
We need to be honest with ourselves about our susceptibility to be verbally abusive.
I've done it and I'm sure you have too. Denying this truth will stop you from ever getting started toward preventing it. This first step is crucial for us to be able to change it.
Okay, now that we're all being honest and admitting that we can abuse verbally the ones we love, we can take the next step.
You must have AWARENESS.
We need to become aware of when we do it and when we're most vulnerable to do so.
Want to see an example of why greater awareness is important? Take a look at this Detroit Lions football player verbally abusing the marching band.
We can become more aware in two ways.
Keep in mind that if it's possible you've been verbally abusive for a while, your loved ones could be apprehensive or even afraid to be totally honest with you at first.
They may not even recognize what’s happening themselves, or also be guilty of being verbally abusive at times themselves, and thus uncomfortable identifying your problem for fear of exposing theirs.
Many people who are verbally abusive to those they love aren’t doing it to hurt others. They’re not aware of their own behavior or how it’s affecting those they care about. It’s also possible that verbal abuse has become part of a ‘normal’ but unhealthy communication pattern.
Regardless, abusive behavior must change.
Unfortunately, changing abusive behavior takes more than what I can explain here. But the two steps outlined above are the first steps.
Keep in mind,
If you'd like to learn more about how to change your verbally abusing behavior and understand why you do it, find an experienced licensed counselor to help.
Please share your experiences or thoughts about verbally abusing those we love by commenting below. If you like this post, you can sign-up at the bottom of this page to get notified of each new post. You can also follow me on Facebook or X where I post weekly relationship and self-improvement tips just like this one.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published December 21, 2013, updated on November 20, 2021, and has been updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Would you recognize Emotional Manipulation In Your Marriage? Check the signs of Emotional Manipulation In Marriage and how you can stop being manipulated.
Want to know what Abusive Women are really like? Take a look at 7 behaviors used by Women who are Abusive. Read quotes from Women who Abuse and partners.
No one gets into a relationship expecting to be controlled by their partner.
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My husband is constantly disdainful, arrogant, annoyed, distant, disconnected, flip and sarcastic. I put up with it for weeks at at time and when the pain become too much, I have blown my stack and have let my pain and anger come out. I have said I hate you, drop dead, F you and I hope you die. All of these things he reminds me of while speaking to me as I stated above in every day life. In every day life I am being controlled by his anger. I tip toe around all subjects and offer false respect and humility to keep the peace. He is a sex addict/ porn addict.. not sure if there's a real difference. He is not remorseful. He has hid things and not offered a confession. He moved out. I'm the one trying to save the family. I wonder why I should bother. I am a peaceful woman 95% of the time but when I blow my lid it's bad. Why can't he see the pain he has me in 24/7? Why did he lie? Why did he disconnect when I reacted to the pain he caused me? Am I literally supposed to pretend I feel nothing and pretend that I respect him when he treats me this way and is using my abandonment wounds to keep me in a submissive posture? I recently got over being alone. So he will find something new soon to harm me emotionally .. Open to all advice!
I have been dating my boyfriend on and on for the past two years now. I came on here reading this and questioning myself to see if I’m verbally abusive like he says I am. He has lied, cheated, hid things from me, called me every name in the book, guilt tripping me, and gaslighting me there are other things too. Not to mention when we got together I was pregnant and I was just ending my first trimester he kicked me out twice while being pregnant then three more times after my daughter was born, but each time he kicked me out we ended thing but I always went back to him because I loved him and I wanted us to work. I’ve tried and tried to make things work between us but today I texted him telling him how I think I need to focus on myself and be better for us to work. He didn’t understand that he freaked out saying how “ if you loved me you would be able to work on yourself while being together with me” I have told him that I have done and tried that but it hasn’t worked for me or for him. Two days ago he told me how he wasn’t happy and how he didn’t feel loved by me but when I said what I said to him today he told me how I was perfect how he’s okay with me yelling and how happy I made him and how much he loved me. But I was very confused because he told me he wasn’t any of those things so that’s why I thought it would be best if we just worked on ourselves before we try fixing us as a relationship. I don’t know if this is wrong with what I’m doing but I don’t feel like it is. Tonight he got drunk and told me he felt like killing himself and he checked himself into a hospital. I feel like this is my fault why he feels this way but others have told me otherwise. Any replies please I’d greatly appreciate it if I could get some advice on what I should do from here or if I’m in the wrong.
I am verbally abusive to my girlfriend. She is sweet as pie. The only thing I can say i dont like about her, she doesn't own it when she has an attitude or a tone. And of course we are all entitled to our tones and attitude days, but I will end up exploding and she is very sensitive and I make her cry. I lost my mother almost a year ago. She was my everything. And my girlfriend is second to her in my heart. Im just so hurt inside and going through alot and I take it n out on her and I know its no excuse. How can I be more mindful in that moment? It's like I forget that she ain't like the other girls and remember that she really does love me and want the best for me? I know she wouldn't cheat. We fight because um so miserable with my life and so hurt. She's all I have and I cant lose her. I cant stand picturing her face with tears. Them beautiful eyes make my heart smile. How can I make them cry? I can not speak for every man, but I know myself, I love this woman and she has proven her love to me for sure time and again. How can I save us from me? Im sorry for all the people being verbally abused or worse out there. I was abused so I dont know how I can just talk like that to her. Thank u
Jordan, You don't have to repeat what happened to you. Learn to manage you pain so that the anger doesn't come out at your girlfriend. I had to learn how to do this and I teach other guys how to do it every day. Find a counselor to help you. -Dr. Kurt