If You're Verbally Abusing Those You Love You Must Learn How To Stop

4 Min Read

Contents

Who We May Be Verbally Abusing And Why
How To Stop Verbally Abusing Those We Love
Takeaways About Being Verbally Abusive To The Ones You Love

Have you ever been guilty of verbally abusing the people you love?

“No, of course not!” is probably your first thought.

But think hard. Abusing someone verbally can take many forms and be far easier to ‘accidentally’ do than you may realize.

It's possible for any of us to be verbally abusive.

It may not be intentional, but that doesn't mean we aren't still being abusive with our words, the way we use them, and the tone or volume with which we say them.

Who We May Be Verbally Abusing And Why

There’s an old saying, “You always hurt the ones you love.”

Unfortunately, it tends to be true.

In my experience counseling individuals and couples, I’ve seen it proven over and over – we're truly more likely to be verbally abusive towards the people we love.

It really is those closest to us who don't always get our best side, even if we do really love them. I see it every day in marriage counseling. Sometimes, over time what becomes a normal way to talk to a partner can actually be verbally abusive.

How could this be?

Why would we ever want to hurt someone we love?

Well, for most people, we don’t want to, but we still do.

Verbal abuse can be a result of poor communication, anger issues, or just proximity.

The people we love the most tend to be the ones we share the bulk of our lives with – spouses, children, and other family members. They’re the ones we’re closest to, most comfortable with, and feel the safest around.

While logically this should also mean they’re the ones we treat the kindest and with the most respect, the truth is that when logic breaks down and emotion takes over, they can be the ones we show our ugly side to first.

Think of children who are always polite and well-behaved around strangers. Those same children may back-talk and act out only when around their parents, not because they hate their parents, but because they feel safe around them and loved by them.

Does that make bad behavior okay or excusable?

No, not at all.

For children that safe environment allows for a pushing of boundaries and expressions of immaturity that results in using poor behavior as an outlet for frustration and anger. This is where parenting enters in to teach them better and more appropriate coping methods.

Adults, however, are expected to have these skills already firmly in place. But many of us simply don’t.

As adults we can experience all levels of stress during a day. And sometimes the effort it takes to cope and get along as we work and interact with others can push us to the edge, leading to a meltdown at any small trigger when back home around the people we love.

What’s next?

Verbal abuse.

If this response goes unchecked it can become the norm, leading to regularly verbally abusing the people we’re supposed to love the most.

How To Stop Verbally Abusing Those We Love

So, how can we stop verbally abusing those we love?

Here's a post I wrote on our social media page a while back about how we verbally abuse the wrong people and where we need to begin if we want to stop it.

verbal-abuse-toward-loved-ones

verbal-abuse-toward-loved-ones-2

Step #1

Change requires HONESTY.

We need to be honest with ourselves about our susceptibility to be verbally abusive.

I've done it and I'm sure you have too. Denying this truth will stop you from ever getting started toward preventing it. This first step is crucial for us to be able to change it.

Okay, now that we're all being honest and admitting that we can abuse verbally the ones we love, we can take the next step.

Step #2

You must have AWARENESS.

We need to become aware of when we do it and when we're most vulnerable to do so.

Want to see an example of why greater awareness is important? Take a look at this Detroit Lions football player verbally abusing the marching band.

We can become more aware in two ways.

First, we can listen to our words. But it's crucial that we do this with an objective, open mind, not a subjective, denying one.
Second, we can ask our loved ones to tell us when they feel we're speaking to them with words that hurt.

Keep in mind that if it's possible you've been verbally abusive for a while, your loved ones could be apprehensive or even afraid to be totally honest with you at first.

They may not even recognize what’s happening themselves, or also be guilty of being verbally abusive at times themselves, and thus uncomfortable identifying your problem for fear of exposing theirs.

Takeaways About Being Verbally Abusive To The Ones You Love

Many people who are verbally abusive to those they love aren’t doing it to hurt others. They’re not aware of their own behavior or how it’s affecting those they care about. It’s also possible that verbal abuse has become part of a ‘normal’ but unhealthy communication pattern.

Regardless, abusive behavior must change.

Unfortunately, changing abusive behavior takes more than what I can explain here. But the two steps outlined above are the first steps.

Keep in mind,

Everyone, including you, deserves to be treated with respect, so in moments of anger take a breath before you speak and choose your words carefully.
If you’re verbally abusing someone you love you’re also damaging that relationship, sometimes permanently.
Change takes effort and accountability. If you’re willing to talk to the people you love about your desire to change and allow them to help you, change can occur more quickly.

If you'd like to learn more about how to change your verbally abusing behavior and understand why you do it, find an experienced licensed counselor to help.

Please share your experiences or thoughts about verbally abusing those we love by commenting below. If you like this post, you can sign-up at the bottom of this page to get notified of each new post. You can also follow me on Facebook or X where I post weekly relationship and self-improvement tips just like this one.

Editor's Note: This post was originally published December 21, 2013, updated on November 20, 2021, and has been updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.