The Silent Treatment In A Relationship Is A Killer

4 Min Read

Contents

Is The Silent Treatment Abuse?
Why The Silent Treatment Is Bad
Putting A Stop The Silent Treatment In Your Relationship
Reader Comments (35+)

Ah, the silent treatment in a relationship - nothing says, “I love you,” like being ignored.

No one likes the silent treatment, yet a lot of us use it. Many think,

It makes a point.
It's an expression of displeasure.
You hurt me, so now I’m going to hurt you.

Or, they simply don’t know how else to deal with conflict but to avoid it.

Unfortunately, most of us know what it feels like to get the silent treatment in our relationship, and we also know what it’s like to give it.

In couples counseling it's not uncommon for me to hear partners say,

He hasn't spoken to me in a week."

She ignored me for 3 days after our last fight."

But is it an effective way to handle conflict?

Or is giving the silent treatment ultimately detrimental to the health of your relationship?

Maybe even abusive?

Is The Silent Treatment Abuse?

Yes, the silent treatment in a relationship is a form of emotional abuse.

But let’s clarify - sometimes being quiet can be a good thing.

If you need to be silent so you don't say something you shouldn't, then keeping silent is wise.
If you need to remain quiet to manage your anger, then staying silent is smart.

Using silence as a positive communication technique is okay too. Sometimes remaining silent so you can really listen to your partner, or to ensure your partner is able to fully express themselves can be hard to do, but also improves communication.

Practicing purposeful silence is different than the silent treatment and can be good for your relationship.

However, weaponizing silence and using it to punish your partner is a different matter.

What separates the silent treatment from being a good conflict management skill or communication tool is the intent behind using it and how long it lasts.

When it's used to hurt or punish, it’s really a form of passive-aggressive anger and harmful to your relationship.

And when the silence goes past a few hours, which should be long enough for all of us to cool down and get past the intensity of any hurt feelings, then it can becomea form of abusive behavior.

silent-treatment-2

Why The Silent Treatment Is Bad

As the above social media post describes, getting the silent treatment in a relationship causes the same response in our brains as being physically hit.

Imaging shows that physical pain and social pain excite the same parts of our brain. The chemicals released in our bodies are the same too. Over time this kind of emotional abuse can even cause changes in the structure of our brains as well.

As if feeling shut out, unloved, and alone aren't enough, it also can cause us to question whether there’s something wrong with us. This can lead us to react in ways that are unhealthy and contrary to a healthy relationship.

When someone you love stops communicating with you, or ignores you outright for periods of time, it can create feelings of desperation.

You may find yourself,

Apologizing for things that were never your fault.
Begging for attention.
Going out of your way to please your partner in ways you wouldn’t normally (and perhaps shouldn’t).

The controlling and cruel nature of the silent treatment in relationships makes it a clear form of emotional abuse and relationship manipulation, creating an imbalance and unhealthy dynamic between partners.

The bottom line is the silent treatment isn't healthy because the strategy behind it is to withhold emotion and affection as a manner of punishment and for personal gain. It can be just as damaging as not controlling emotions at all or fighting all the time.

Putting A Stop To The Silent Treatment In Your Relationship

Changing your partner’s tendency (or yours) to use the silent treatment in your relationship will probably take some time. They may not even be aware of how damaging their behavior is.

To begin, you should try to understand why they gravitate towards using it in the first place.

People who use the silent treatment regularly were often subject to it themselves as children or witness to it in the relationships of important adult figures in their lives. In other words, they were taught that it's normal and okay.

Now, years later, using the silent treatment is what they know to do when they want to make a point, get their way, or are feeling hurt.

For others, the silent treatment may be a defense mechanism.

When these people become very upset or hurt they may completely shut down and refuse to communicate at all. The hope in doing this is that if there’s no more communication there will be no more pain. It’s a way of protecting themselves. Unfortunately, this strategy doesn’t work.

Making your partner aware of their behavior and its effect on you and your relationship, as well as the negative effects it has on them, is very important.

It may not be easy for them to stop what’s probably become a common response to conflict. So, consider working with your partner to build in some cooling off time during or after an argument.

This should be done with the agreement that you’ll always come back and discuss how you each feel and the topic of your conflict within a certain amount of time, say 24 hours.

However, be sure to put a limit on how long you can go without speaking to each other.

Making adjustments to the way you interact with one another, along with a pointed effort to stop using the silent treatment, is essential for the longevity of your relationship. Prolonged and cruel silence won’t lead anywhere positive.

What To Take Away

Too many people accept the silent treatment in a relationship. Sometimes this acceptance is because they don't recognize it as abusive, but more often it’s because they feel powerless to change it.

Remember,

Silence isn’t always a bad thing. It really depends on the intent and whether the outcome is bad or good.
When taken to the extreme, the silent treatment can a form of emotional abuse.
Weaponizing silence doesn’t lead to a positive or productive outcome. Instead, work with your partner on developing better communication habits and strategies for handling conflict.

Being abused always includes a choice – and the right choice is to put a stop to it. We can't make someone talk to us, but we can choose whether we’ll accept being treated in that way.

Editor's Note: This post was originally published October 29, 2015, and updated on September 21, 2021, and has been updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.