The Love is Gone

Introduction

There are a number of ways to describe feeling like the love is gone –falling out of love, faded love, love loss, lost the love, etc. Regardless of what you call it when this happens, it hurts. In addition to the pain, the confusion that accompanies this feeling can be just as difficult.

If the love is gone what do you do?

Can you do anything about it?

Do you want to do anything about it?

The answers to these questions, along with the many others you're likely to have, will vary depending upon which side you're on – the one who's fallen out of love or the one hearing that your partner is no longer in love with you.

We've written this article to help partners answer the questions they each have after the love has gone. With nearly 20 years of experience fixing broken relationships we have the experience, understanding and expertise to help. The following information will provide real-life examples from partner's who've felt the love was gone and there was no hope. You'll also find an explanation of what the love is gone and falling out of love really means, as well as answers to the most common questions partners have when in this very sad circumstance. 

Read this article and you'll discover how you can get the love back when the love is gone.

Definitions

When The Love Is Gone

“I love you, but I’m not in love with you anymore.”

If you've heard these words from your partner, you know just how devastating they can be. What does "I love you but I'm not in love with you" even mean?

Learning the love is gone from your relationship can leave you feeling hurt, confused, abandoned and lost. Losing your partner’s love leaves you searching for the closeness you crave, the connection you need, and the life you deserve...

When the love is gone the relationship changes. Your once loving and caring partner may become distant, possibly argumentative, critical, or even angry. Or he may have stopped sharing any part of himself, leaving you feeling like you’re living with a roommate instead of a husband – no sex, affection, caring. However it's played out in your case, it leaves you feeling sad, lonely and empty.

After the love is gone, you’re left with more questions than answers.

It’s difficult to accept and even understand how that person you fell in love with no longer feels the same as they once did. And if you’re like the thousands of men and women we’ve counseled, the more you try to get close, the further you push your partner away.

Which leaves you faced with the heartbreaking reality of packed bags, separation, or even divorce.

I Think My Husband Doesn't Love Me. How Do I Know?

Sadly, it's a daily occurrence for us to hear wives say, "My husband doesn't love me." The reasons why they feel this way can vary greatly, yet there are some commonalities between all of them. Most significantly is the loneliness they feel.

Regardless of the cause, feeling like your husband doesn't love you is incredibly painful. The heartache that results when the person you've loved, trusted and given your life to is no longer loves you can be immense.

Unfortunately, it usually takes a long time for a partner to finally admit they're no longer in love. This leaves the other partner often feeling like something isn't right, searching to find out, but unable to identify what exactly it is. Typically even when wives ask their husbands directly if there's anything wrong they deny it.

Feeling like your husband no longer loves you is one thing, but how can you really tell? That's a complicated question. However, there are certain behaviors that can occur, or others that should be occurring and aren't, that can be fueling that feeling.

Here are just a few real-life examples of what has made other wives think their husband doesn't love them anymore:

• You don't feel important to him because he prioritizes other things ahead of you. For instance, he goes out for a beer with friends or work associates after work, but never goes out with you. Feeling unimportant can be compounded by the frustration and anger brought on by his never telling you when he'll be home, so you're left preparing dinner for you and the kids and then waiting for him to show up.

• He no longer says anything nice or loving to you. It's possible he's upset about something at work, but it feels like he's always mad at you. We often hear women say, "I feel like I have to walk on eggshells around him." Complaints and criticisms have replaced compliments and kind words.

• There's no affection or sexual intimacy. He either doesn't want sex anymore, or when he does it's robotic, unromantic, and all about pleasing him. This can leave a wife feeling used and taken advantage of. You may not even remember the last time he hugged or kissed you good-bye.

You won't know for sure your husband doesn't love you until he finally tells you. Yet if your gut is telling you something's not right and you're not feeling loved by him then there's probably a problem. Behaviors like the ones above are telling you something even if his words aren't. Love is shown in actions, not just words.

Is He Falling Out of Love With Me?

If you've found yourself asking – "Is he falling out of love with me?” or “Are we okay?" – you aren’t alone. Relationships naturally go through ups and downs, and the level of passion changes, so knowing when your partner actually is falling out of love with you can be tricky. Until he comes right out and says it, you'll have to rely on what you know about him and your relationship to interpret his feelings.

Asking him directly is an option, but most partners who've fallen out of love will avoid answering that question honestly when directly asked until something pushes them to the point where they feel they have no other choice. Ironically, their thinking is that they don't want to hurt you by telling you the truth, so they hurt you by not.

Looking at the differences in your partner and relationship over time can help give you an idea as to whether he may be falling out of love with you. What's different now from earlier on? Consider also whether he seems, and the two of you as couple are, truly happy. If you're wondering if the love could be gone then you probably aren’t. So what’s changed? Can you point to a possible source of unhappiness?

Be careful not to compare how things are now to how they were at the very beginning of your relationship. At the start the love can be pretty intoxicating, and produces behaviors that are unique to that stage of the relationship. Love and relationships change over time as they mature. This is natural and normal.

When you're wondering if he's falling out of love with you, spend some time considering what things are like now compared to after the honeymoon wore off (typically two to three years in).

These things will likely not give you a concrete answer, but they'll give you a start in figuring out if your partner is falling out of love with you – or perhaps already has.

Why Do People Fall Out Of Love Suddenly?

“We were fine and then out of nowhere my husband suddenly decides he's fallen out of love with me. How can that happen?”

Despite how it may seem, people don't suddenly fall out of love. It just isn’t something that happens overnight, although it can feel that way. Much like the how a slow drip of water will erode the ground beneath it – a lack of attention to your relationship combined with the stressors of life can wear down the love and cause it to fail.

Often people rely too heavily on the love that brought them together in the first place. They assume once in love, always in love. This simply isn't the case. Nothing stays the same. In love we're either growing closer or growing apart. Long-term relationships that are happy and healthy take effort by both partners, every day, to keep the love strong.

It can be easy not to notice the slow drift apart since it's often just like that small drip of water without an obvious, immediate effect. And then one day something happens, like a fight over who knows what, and then one partner says seemingly out of nowhere, "I'm not in love with you."

Did the spouse fall out of love suddenly at that moment? Most likely not – they probably had been feeling that way for a while and mulling over what to do about it for months, possibly even for years. The fight just happens to be the spark that gave them the courage to finally say it out loud.

Few people are so cold blooded that they enjoy telling their partner they don't love them. Instead, most people dread having to do it and don't know how. This struggle can be compounded by the fact that most couples don't communicate well, especially regarding difficult subjects they disagree about. Being busy, growing apart, and losing the connection you once had means you don’t communicate the way you used to as well.

It's the perfect recipe for avoiding telling your partner when you're falling out of love and then to do it suddenly with, "I'm done."

This is the story of Darin and Amara. For her it felt like he fell out of love suddenly because of how it came out, but there had been signs for quite a while. Amara just ignored them or told herself it would get better with time. While Darin was never honest with her that he was struggling with their relationship, until he blurted out in frustration, "I’m not in love with you anymore."

The truth is that people don't fall out of love suddenly, it occurs over time. It's important to know that this doesn’t have to mean the love can’t come back, however, but bringing it back will take some time too. And it can come back even if your partner says it isn't possible for their feelings to change (we've seen it happen).

My Husband Doesn't Want Sex - Why?

The absence of sex in a relationship can occur for many reasons. Some of them can be physical or psychological. But, the love being gone will also result in a sexless marriage. And the opposite can be true as well – no sex can lead to a loss of love. If your husband doesn’t want sex anymore, or if you feel he no longer finds you sexually attractive, you need to find out why.

It's important to understand that all relationships and people change over time. The hot and heavy sex that typically exists at the beginning of a relationship will eventually cool. That's natural. But in healthy relationships physical affection and sex are important parts of building intimacy and connection. When sex disappears couples loose a key component to maintaining that level of closeness.

Even though the intensity will lessen, your sex life shouldn't become non-existent. Considering other possible reasons why your husband doesn't want sex is helpful because it can provide a window into your relationship.

• Could it be boredom?

• Are you too busy?

• Have you or your spouse changed physically in a way that makes sex less appealing?

If these things (which can usually always be fixed) aren't factors, then it may be a matter of the love being gone.

Jill, a woman in her 40s, once told me that, “My husband is like a stranger. We never talk or do anything fun together. I wouldn’t have sex with a stranger at a bar, so why would I want to have sex with him?”

It's pretty clear that Jill isn’t interested in having sex with her husband. Her explanation also makes it clear there are other factors in her marriage that are causing their love and closeness to fade and those are also heavily impacting their sex life. Jill is far from alone nor is her reasoning that different from that of men as they can lose interest in sex for similar reasons regarding the relationship connection and closeness.

Despite the stereotype that men always want sex and think about it every 7 seconds (not true by the way), they can lose interest for the same reasons as women like Jill. Several of the common explanations we hear are:

• "She doesn't appreciate me"

• "She's always criticizing me"

• "She never initiates sex - it's always on me"

This doesn't mean if you're complaining, "my husband doesn't want sex anymore," it's your fault. But it's possible something you're doing or not doing could be a factor. Regardless of the reason, since most men want to have sex, if your husband doesn't it should definitely be a warning sign that something's not right and shouldn't be ignored.

There is Hope

Is It Possible To Fall Back In Love?

Yes, in many cases it is possible to fall back in love and have a happy and healthy relationship again. It's important to remember what we've already discussed above, the reasons for falling out of love can be complex and the disconnect typically develops over time. All of this is to say that there's no quick fix, and while it's possible to get the love back, it always takes time, as well as lots of patience and hard work.

Unlike falling in love, falling back in love again just doesn’t happen overnight. It will take time and effort (intentionally repeated so you don't miss this important point). You didn’t fall out of love all at once, and you won’t fall back in love all at once either.

The fact that you're here, reading this information though, says that your relationship is important to you and so the effort can be well worth it.

Relationships go through many phases. Having difficult times and even questioning if you should be together is normal. There isn’t a relationship out there that hasn’t experienced problems – despite how perfect some of them look or what people say about how good there's is. Take it from some experts who know firsthand what's really happening in relationships and marriages behind the closed doors.

The biggest differences between successful and unsuccessful relationships at getting the love back is the communication, commitment of both partners, and willingness to work together in making things good again. Often when the love is gone these are weak areas in the relationship. The good news is that these are all changeable. By working together, possibly with a counselor, bringing the love back into your relationship is entirely possible. We help couples do this every day.

It's pretty common that while one partner wants to see if it's possible to fall back in love the other isn't sure what they want. This is why patience is such a crucial element to this process. The commitment level of each you in trying to get the love back may take some nurturing and time to develop before it becomes the same.

Growing your love again can be complex. This is why bringing it back often takes help. We know it's possible and how to do it because at Guy Stuff we've worked with countless couples who, with our help, have found the road back to a happy relationship.

How To Fall In Love Again

There's no one size fits all answer or exact formula to follow for how to fall in love again.

What brings two people back together depends upon what drove them apart. Most couples drift apart, while some have specific events that cause the love to die. Regardless of the cause, every couple with effort, help, and patience can find a way to fall in love again.

How you fall in love again, whether it’s with your husband, wife, boyfriend or girlfriend, is a very individual and personal process. And it will take commitment and work on the part of both partners to make it happen. This can be tricky if a couple has been having problems for a long time. In these situations one partner is often more motivated and willing to try than the other.

Unresolved problems and the accumulated feelings that accompany them create big barriers to falling back in love. All couples can struggle with effectively communicating and this hampers resolving things even more. As a result, there likely are a number of issues that have built up over time and must be worked through first before falling in love with each other again is even possible. If you feel you and your partner can't talk about these things you're not alone.

A common mistake couples make is using their old, flawed methods (ways of communicating, etc.) – the ones that contributed to falling out of love in the first place – to try to spark their love again. This is a big mistake, as this will only put them back in the same spot as before.

Instead, how couples correctly fall in love again is by learning some key core tools for communicating and respecting each other. This is crucial in order for them to be able to effectively navigate and fix the relationship problems they're each likely to each see very differently.

When the problems and barriers have been removed then is the time to learn healthy, successful ways to build and maintain a love connection. Falling in love again and staying in love requires active and consistent effort by both partners in order to keep the connection strong. Without healthy, regular habits to nurture their love, partners will naturally drift apart. Since most partners don't know how to do this, falling out of love is quite common.

At Guy Stuff we've helped many couples find a way back to love and happiness – but it takes work. Yet when you've built a life and family together, or at a minimum have invested time and energy into a relationship together, then making the effort to learn how to fall in love again is well worth it.

The Rest of the Story

Darin

Darin knew when he said he wasn't in love with her anymore that things had reached a turning point.

The shocked and heart broken look on Amara’s face almost made him wish he hadn’t said it – almost.

But it was true, right? He didn’t love her anymore and he was fairly certain things were over. He missed the fun and “in love” feeling he used to have, but that was gone now. It wasn’t fair to him or her to pretend otherwise he thought. But he wasn’t sure what that meant.

Did they need to get divorced? He hated the idea of doing that to their kids.

Should they discuss an open relationship? He wasn’t sure Amara would ever consider that.

Amara had retreated to their bedroom that night and he finished prepping for golf the next day. He slept on the sofa and left early the next morning before anyone was up. He never knew how she worked it out, but he played golf and she managed to get the kids where they needed to be.

Saturday night, after the kids were in bed, she said they needed to talk. She wanted him to consider counseling. She said they didn’t know how to talk to each other anymore and needed some help to figure out what was going on and what they needed to do next.

It seemed pointless to him, but they'd been married a long time and had kids. He supposed that he owed that to her. Besides, it might make things easier for her if she heard from someone else that it was time for them each to move on.

Amara

Amara couldn’t believe what she was hearing.

How could he not love her? Where did that come from?

They had a life and kids and she still loved him.

He couldn’t mean it – right?

She knew from experience that getting into it right then would just start a fight and wouldn’t get them anywhere, so she left Darin alone and went to their bedroom.

Saturday morning she called in some favors and got everyone taken care of. She even cut helping her mom short so that she could have some time alone to think.

What does it mean that he doesn’t love her?

Was he just angry?

Things had been strained lately, but that’s normal in marriage isn’t it?

She had no idea what to do next, or what Darin really wanted, but she felt sure they could fix things, she just didn’t know how. After the kids went to bed she asked Darin to talk. Counseling – that was their only hope she thought. She prayed he would say yes. And, although she could tell he didn’t want to, he did.

So they went to counseling – Amara happily and Darin reluctantly.

Neither liked the first counselor, so they looked again and found Guy Stuff. Both liked the no nonsense approach. Even though it wasn't easy looking at themselves and accepting the parts they each played in their marriage getting to where the love was gone.

Yet as uncomfortable as counseling was at times they stuck with it. Darin really connected with Dr. Kurt and actually got more into it as he saw things start to change. He and Amara started to see hope again and that just made them both try even harder.

When Darin didn't feel anything for Amara he was sure the marriage was dead. Now he can see that was just a natural result of neither one of them putting enough effort into their relationship. With the knowledge and tools they now have Darin is sure they can have a happy life together – the one they always imagined having.

Does Darin and Amara’s story sound familiar? Waking up one day and feeling like the love gone isn't uncommon.

The good news is that the love can come back and be stronger than ever with the right approach.

What To Do Next

It took time to lose the love and it takes time to get it back.

BUT there is hope.

We know how immensely painful and difficult it is to face the reality of a partner telling you the love is gone. Over the years we’ve heard countless stories from both women and men trying to understand how their relationships have gotten to this point and what they can do to heal them.

At Guy Stuff we successfully work with couples trying to find their way back to each other. This one of the reasons why over 300,000 people just like you visit the Guy Stuff website every month looking for answers and hope. We understand the issues each couple is facing are as different as the couples themselves.

That's why we’ve designed a series of simple questions to help you assess if the love is really gone in your relationship. Our Love Is Gone Quiz can help you identify the challenges you face as couple and give an idea of the areas that need the most work.

By taking the Love is Gone Quiz you’ll learn:

• The common symptoms to look for in your relationship that may indicate your partner has fallen out of love
  
  
• How your situation compares to what others just like you are going through
  
  
• What resources you can turn to for more insights and help

And you’ll get next steps to set you on the path to clarity so you’re ready to move forward.

Take the Love is Gone Quiz Now (click the orange button below)

The quiz takes only a couple of minutes to complete. You'll receive your assessment immediately.