'Loves Me But Is Not In Love With Me' Explained

    how-can-he-tell-me-he-loves-and-is-not-in-love-with-me.jpgMy partner loves me but is not in love with me is one of the most painful things to have to accept. In fact, most partners cannot believe it when they hear it. Hearing these words typically comes as a complete shock.

    What follows being told he loves me but is not in love with me is what makes hearing these words even harder to understand and accept. Often after this is said a bag gets packed and the partner leaves, separates or says they want a divorce. A woman I'm counseling right now came home to find a note on the kitchen counter saying not much more than, "I love you, but am no longer in love with you," and her husband had moved out.

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    Sadly, being told this has become very common, so if it's happening to you, you're not alone. Here are a few messages I've received from other partners in the same situation:

    I need help. My husband told me that he still loves me but is not in love with me anymore. That he has no feelings for me. He also told me that he isn't sure he even wants to work on the marriage. He said that he is leaving and isn't sure whether he will miss me and if he wants to even come back home. We have been together for 15 years. I am still really in love with my husband. I want my marriage. I want him to want me and love me. I cannot even deal with the thought of him not returning home. At this point I am certain he has the mindset he isn't coming back home." -Val

    Having your partner tell you they're not in love with you doesn't just happen to older relationships either.

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    My husband of 3 years asked for a divorce for the second time. We now have a 2 year old and I love him very much. I do not want this. I am trying to make it work, which was I did last time and he did eventually came home, but we got pregnant right after he came home so everything we learned went to the way side. Then I had a few medical things for the last 3 years and now he says he us not in love with me and he has been unhappy, because I don't desire him, which I do. I want to change our relationship, but I don't know if it's to late." -Bella

    Being told this always happens for the same reason -- a partner has fallen out of love. But there can be many contributing factors and triggers -- cheating, midlife crisis, depression, and many more.

    I believe my husband may be going thru a midlife crisis. I've read a lot about it so I'm convinced that's what's happening. We have been married for 9 years and have 1 daughter; however I am also the step-mom to his children from his prior marriage. Our marriage is not perfect by any means, but I did not think it was in a position for him to tell me one day he's not in love with me anymore. He said he needed to move out on his own and figure out what he should be doing with his life because perhaps he's not meant to be a husband and only a father. This all happened 2 months after his 40th birthday, which to him was very hard to deal with." -Kate

    And it's not just men who say this to their partners, because women say it too.

    About 3 months ago my wife told me she loves me but is no longer in love with me. I found out the reason being that I was yelling at the kids a lot, drinking more and she didn't feel heard when arguments arose and basically over time just gave up and felt defeated. I've been doing everything in my power to eradicate my ways. I no longer drink everyday, am very patient with the kids and listening very closely to what she says to me." -Colin

    What can you do when your partner tells you they love you, but are not in love with you? The best thing is prevention. Don't let your relationship drift apart, which all relationships do unless we're intentional about preventing it. So if you haven't heard those words yet, or you have but the relationship hasn't gotten to the point these have, start now to reinforce the love and connection.

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    But if you've had your partner tell you this, and you're already wrestling to grasp the idea my partner loves me but is not in love with me, the best thing you can do is not panic or overreact. Let's learn a little more about this:

    My partner of 17 years has said he loves me but is not in love with me. We have had our ups and downs over the years, including me having an emotional affair 6 years ago after he wasn't paying me attention. He has said he will never forgive me for this and I know I hurt him very much. The thing is he said we are over, but he is still sleeping in the same bed and wanting sexual relations. From reading your post, "How Can I Get My Husband to Love Me Again?", I can see that I have been pleading too much with him about reconsidering. I realize I am at fault for some of our ups and downs. I have been seeing a counselor, and have made changes within myself to try to see if I can get him back. I know it is going to take time, perseverance and patience, but as he is still living in the house I'm hoping he notices the changes. I really do love him and we have 2 wonderful children I want us to be us again, even though he has said he don't think his feelings will change." -Jennifer

    Jennifer gives some great examples of what to do and not to do when you've learned my partner loves me but is not in love with me. Don't "plead" or ask a million questions 'why' (your partner often doesn't know the answers themselves). Instead, "make changes" in yourself that will make you more attractive to your partner (this doesn't mean just in your appearance). But most of all, give it "time" and be "patient." It took time to lose the love and it takes time to get it back.

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    Guy Stuff's Counseling Men Blog shares real stories from our counseling sessions, giving practical solutions and answers to the challenges men and women face.

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