You have this nagging feeling that your husband is no longer in love with you. Learn what to do next
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Relationships aren’t constant, they’re always changing. This means being able to weather the ups and downs is a crucial skill for all relationships. Sadly, many couples really struggle with doing this and often fall prey to the “love but not in-love” feeling.
I often work with couples dealing with this issue and invariably one person feels devastated because their partner said he or she, “loves me, but is not in love with me.”
This feeling is very, very common in long-term relationships, but it doesn’t have to mean it’s over.
Feeling, or being told, that your partner loves you but is not in love with you is one of the most painful things to face.
In fact, most partners cannot believe it when they hear it. Hearing these words often comes as a complete shock and can send people into a tailspin, leaving them feeling depressed and desperate.
If you’re one of those partners, take heart. There are things that can be done to cope and possibly turn things around.
What follows being told he (or she) loves me but is not in love with me is what makes hearing these words even harder to understand and accept.
Often after this is said a bag gets packed and the partner leaves, separates, or says they want a divorce.
A woman I'm counseling right now came home to find a note on the kitchen counter saying not much more than, "I love you, but am no longer in love with you," and her husband had already moved out while she was at work.
Sadly, being told this isn’t that uncommon, so if it's happening to you, you're far from alone.
Here are a few messages I've received from other partners in the same situation:
I need help. My husband told me that he still loves me but is not in love with me anymore. That he has no feelings for me. He also told me that he isn't sure he even wants to work on the marriage. He said that he is leaving and isn't sure whether he will miss me and if he wants to even come back home. We have been together for 15 years. I am still really in love with my husband. I want my marriage. I want him to want me and love me. I cannot even deal with the thought of him not returning home. At this point I am certain he has the mindset he isn't coming back home." -Val
Having your partner tell you they're not in love with you doesn't just happen to older relationships either.
My husband of 3 years asked for a divorce for the second time. We now have a 2 year old and I love him very much. I do not want this. I am trying to make it work, which was I did last time and he did eventually came home, but we got pregnant right after he came home so everything we learned went to the way side. Then I had a few medical things for the last 3 years and now he says he us not in love with me and he has been unhappy, because I don't desire him, which I do. I want to change our relationship, but I don't know if it's to late." -Bella
Being told this always happens for the same reason -- a partner has fallen out of love. Or at least they believe they’ve fallen out of love.
Although it doesn’t change the “out of love” feeling, what many partners mistakenly assume is that because things have changed over the years and the excitement, lust, and the all-consuming interest that was there in the beginning of a relationship has dulled or disappeared, it means they’ve fallen out of love.
That ‘new relationship’ feeling is a high and once it fades it feels like the love has gone too.
It’s possible, however, that it’s not gone at all, it’s just changed and now the excitement and enthusiasm that was once effortless requires some work to generate and maintain it.
There can be many additional contributing factors and triggers to the “love but not in love” feeling as well.
are just a few.
To understand more about what this can look like, check out Kate’s story below.
I believe my husband may be going thru a midlife crisis. I've read a lot about it so I'm convinced that's what's happening. We have been married for 9 years and have 1 daughter; however I am also the step-mom to his children from his prior marriage. Our marriage is not perfect by any means, but I did not think it was in a position for him to tell me one day he's not in love with me anymore. He said he needed to move out on his own and figure out what he should be doing with his life because perhaps he's not meant to be a husband and only a father. This all happened 2 months after his 40th birthday, which to him was very hard to deal with." -Kate
And it's not just men who say this to their partners, because women say it too.
About 3 months ago my wife told me she loves me but is no longer in love with me. I found out the reason being that I was yelling at the kids a lot, drinking more and she didn't feel heard when arguments arose and basically over time just gave up and felt defeated. I've been doing everything in my power to eradicate my ways. I no longer drink everyday, am very patient with the kids and listen very closely to what she says to me." -Colin
What can you do when your partner tells you they love you but are not in love with you?
Unfortunately, there’s no bullet-proof answer. There are, however, some things that can help.
By far the best thing you can do is to practice prevention.
Don't let your relationship drift apart, which all relationships do unless we're intentional about preventing it. So, if you haven't heard those words yet, or you have but the relationship hasn't gotten to the point these examples have, start now to reinforce the love and connection.
But if you've had your partner tell you this, and you're already wrestling to grasp the idea my partner loves me but is not in love with me, don’t panic or overreact.
Take a look at Jennifer’s story to learn a little more about this:
My partner of 17 years has said he loves me but is not in love with me. We have had our ups and downs over the years, including me having an emotional affair 6 years ago after he wasn't paying me attention. He has said he will never forgive me for this and I know I hurt him very much. The thing is he said we are over, but he is still sleeping in the same bed and wanting sexual relations. From reading your post, ‘How Can I Get My Husband to Love Me Again?’, I can see that I have been pleading too much with him about reconsidering. I realize I am at fault for some of our ups and downs. I have been seeing a counselor, and have made changes within myself to try to see if I can get him back. I know it is going to take time, perseverance and patience, but as he is still living in the house I'm hoping he notices the changes. I really do love him and we have 2 wonderful children I want us to be us again, even though he has said he don't think his feelings will change." -Jennifer
Jennifer gives some great examples of what to do and not to do when your partner loves you but is not in love with you.
Obviously, it will take more than just changing yourself to get your partner to fall in love again, but it’s the best place to start.
Making changes in yourself can make them look at you in a new way and give them reasons to reconsider their loving you but not in love with you feeling. Your changes may even inspire them to make changes in themselves as well. A healthy relationship, after all, requires effort from both partners in order to work.
I would also suggest the following:
Discovering that your partner loves you but isn't "in love" with you can be a complex and painful situation. It can also (understandably) elicit an intense emotional response.
If your partner has told you he or she loves you, but isn’t in love with you, remember the following:
Many couples go through a “loves me but is not in love with me” phase in their relationship. For most it doesn’t have to mean the end of the relationship, just that more effort needs to be made to keep the relationship connection healthy and strong.
Editor’s note: This post was originally published July 1, 2015 and updated on May 12, 2020 has been updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
You have this nagging feeling that your husband is no longer in love with you. Learn what to do next
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my boyfriend of 1 year told me he isn't in love with me, but he cares deeply about me, and wants a future with me, and does not want to lose me. We are not on the same page on some critical items (marriage, love, financial expectations, providing safety and security (him), now trust he is not going to leave me for someone else down the line. I do not know what to make of this. He is 64 and I am 58. I am not looking for just "friendship" companion. I want someone to tell me how they feel about me and us as a couple. And what is off is he does that. I am not sure what he means about not in love. I have asked questions like are you just slow to love, are you used to infactuation type love, what is the roadblock that you do not feel love for me, etc. The answers were I don't know. None of this is comforting. He believes that a relationship does not have to be 100%; that is you get 75% of everything you want and that person is a good person, healthy, happy, likes to do things together, enjoys being with each other, enjoys a healthy friendship what does being in love and marriage matter. I am blown away. I am not 100% in love with him, but I do have those feelings that come and go. I just want at this point in my life safety and security and financial stability with a man. I want a man to provide for this relationship from moving it forward to understanding I cannot be left high and dry if he ends it, if we start to live together and keep traveling together and being a committed couple. It feels as if there are not assurances or commitment. Is it possible that not being in love is ok to keep forging forward into a long-term committed relationship without it? Unsure how to chart these waters because we are of the ages that we are coming together to have a family, have 50-60 years ahead of us. We have a short window and really enjoy being around each other, and traveling and physical attraction, etc. I do not know how to navigate the wants/needs to do not align. Is this a more mature relationship, or is it BS on his part. Confused. M
MRM, This doesn't sound like a mature relationship to me. It sounds like one that's possibly one of the following - missing enough connection, has a partner who's unwilling to commit for some reason, or partners with different expectations and needs. You'd benefit from a professional counselor helping you sort it out. -Dr. Kurt
Hi Kurt, My Partner of 7 years (engaged for 2) recently told me she didnt love me anymore but still likes me and has feelings there, the reason for our split was due to lots of chance for me to stop gambling and other things around the house, we are still living together as we brought a house together, I have since banned myself on betting apps and signed up to gamblers addiction app its been 5 days since i gambled and since we split any thoughts or strategies, i still love her we have also set boundaries and rules to follow
My discussion went like this. Oh, I’m happy. I wouldn’t have been happy if we hadn’t met. My opportunities in life were so limited. Look what we’ve built together (blah blah) and you really supported me, saw the potential and pushed me to make all this possible. You deserve all the credit. Oh, I do take all the credit believe me. I have been our rock and backbone in our success. So, yes, I DO take all the credit, thank you. But, nowhere in your repertoire of our life did you mention loving each other and building a strong marriage. I do love you, he said, of course you know that. I believe you love me, but I have come to accept that you have never been in love with me nor are you in love me now. Standing up, he said I have a communication problem and walked away. The following morning I woke up to him in bed (strange). I said I’ll go make coffee for us in bed. I came back while it was brewing hoping to find open arms and his broad chest. He was snuggled up on his side with his pillow between his knees. I felt like the rejected puppy at the pound. I had told him the night before that I wanted so much to be in love with him, but he has a wall up between us. After some research I think he suffers from Sexual Anorexia. I had never heard of it. In 20 years we’ve had sex on 2 hands. He had this same issue with his former spouse and she took a lover. Oddly, he was willing to stay in that marriage, but she kicked him out and filed for divorce. It seems security and stability are far more important than being in love.