6 Min Read
- Men Are Attracted In More Ways Than Just Sexually
- What Are The Signs He Really Wants To Be With Me?
- Ways Men Show They're Attracted After The Honeymoon Stage
- How Can I Change His Attraction To Me?
“In the beginning he couldn’t keep his hands off me. Now he won’t ever touch me. Is this a sign my husband’s not attracted to me anymore?”
Janice asked me this last week. I told her maybe, but there are also a number of other explanations than just this one.
All relationships change. There are stages relationships progress through, and attraction to a partner can look different in each one and for each person.
Another important thing to know is that the signs your husband is no longer attracted to you can look different than just sex. Unfortunately, too many people mistakenly judge the strength of their relationship based on the sex frequency, interest and satisfaction.
Because partners naturally drift apart (unless they do something to counter that), looking for signs your husband is still attracted to you is very common. And it’s not just women who wonder this about their partner – men ask this about their wives too.
Men Are Attracted In More Ways Than Just Sexually
Obviously, men as a whole are sexually focused (this doesn’t describe every man, but it does the majority for sure). This is true of men typically much more so than of women – but not always. I have women I counsel who are the one’s wanting more sex (physical intimacy really), not their husband.
If a husband isn’t showing interest in his wife either physically or sexually then she’s likely to think something’s wrong. This is why Janice was asking what the signs are that husbands aren’t attracted.
I’ve talked with Janice’s husband, Richard, and have found out that he does still find her physically attractive, but he also admits he’s not feeling attracted to her. Yes, these are different.
So, her hunch is correct. But she’s got the reasons wrong.
Richard doesn’t like the way she talks to him and treats him. So, despite his finding her attractive and, like most guys, still wants to have sex, he doesn’t want to with her.
He says that he comes home early from work (by 5:15) because she’s asked him to so he can help with their two young girls. So, he comes home, takes over the parenting while she goes upstairs to take a bath or just get a break. No problem, he says. And many times he handles the whole evening routine by himself (not typical I know).
But rather than get some gratitude from her Richard gets criticism...
- He didn’t load the dishwasher correctly
- Forgot to wash out the baby’s bottle
- Missed washing their oldest daughter’s hair
When Janice is mad at him she gives him the silent treatment – for days at a time.
Then when she wants some physical affection or intimacy, he’s just not feeling it.
This is just one example from a couple I’m counseling right now. I’ve heard hundreds and hundreds of variations that make the same point.
What Are The Signs He Really Wants To Be With Me?
Sex is the typical way most partners measure the attraction and health of their relationship.
However, while this is one way to gauge the status of the relationship, it’s not a very good one.
My husband and I have been together 28 years. I am 55 years old. Years ago, I was thin and pretty. Over the years I gained about 15 pounds and stopped working out. I know my body doesn't look good and I know my husband isn't attracted to me anymore. I think he's addicted to porn and may have cheated (with girls half my age). We haven't had sex in about 1 year and when we did, he couldn't perform. He became very distant and even mean. He stares at women right in front of me and even once made a comment about a woman much prettier, thinner and way younger than me that, that's what I used to look like. What do I do? I know I got heavy and let myself go and that's probably why he's looking elsewhere.” -Bethany
Sex can be a sign of attraction to your partner, but that’s not a certainty. As we all know, sex can also be just about you, and wanting the pleasure and release.
I worked with a couple years ago in divorce counseling and the guy would still drop by for a quickie while they were going through their divorce. In other words, I don’t like you (or am not attracted to you) enough to stay married, but I’ll still take the sex if I can get it.
Based on their sexual relations this guy looked like he was still attracted to his wife, but in reality, he really wasn’t.
Ways Men Show They’re Attracted After The Honeymoon Stage
How does he treat you in general?
How you’re treated is a much more accurate sign of his attraction to you. After all, we all care about things we like.
- Is he caring? Does he compliment you? And I don’t mean just, “You look hot in that dress.”
- Does he acknowledge when you do something well? Does he thank you and show appreciation for all that you do for him?
- Or is he critical? Angry at you? Mean to you? Controlling?
- Is he physically affectionate without it having to lead to sex? This is a tough one for a lot of men as many don’t know the difference or how to do it. But a hug or kiss doesn’t have to mean we have to tear our clothes off. It could just be a sign he’s attracted to you.
- Does he care about your needs and interests? Does he treat you like a partner or roommate?
Looking at non-sexual behavior is the best way to determine genuine attraction. If your husband’s not doing any of the above (or even the opposite of them) then that’s a sign he’s not attracted to you.
I’ve been going through your articles for about an hour now and though be found them to be great reminders, I was aware of most of what was said. My biggest thing is that I really don’t feel like my husband finds me attractive, and I don’t know what happened as before we got married (literally less than 2 months ago) he was completely different. I’m afraid that his bad habits are getting the best of him and it seems as though all he cares about when he gets home from work is having a drink, eating, and rolling more cigarettes to smoke for the next day. I have been hesitant to say anything because he only gets defensive when I try to bring it up and I don’t know how to talk to him about it without him being defensive. I care so much about him and I’m trying so many different angles but I feel like no matter what I do, he just doesn’t take care of himself and has no desire to, and it’s affecting him and our relationship and it scares me for our future. I know there are ways that I’ve gone about it that weren’t nice and though I meant well just put him down, and now I’m so afraid to say anything at all. But it’s hard not to get frustrated when he barely even gives me a kiss when he gets home from work, and then guilts me if I don’t have dinner ready early enough. I don’t know what happened...” -Rene
How Can I Change His Attraction To Me?
We can’t change anything about anybody else – we can only change ourselves. However, you can influence him.
An important thing to keep in mind though is that it’s possible (actually likely) that his attraction to you may have more to do with him than you.
For instance, if he looks at porn regularly then that’s going to play a much bigger part in what he finds physically attractive than how you look. A guy I’m counseling right now isn’t attracted to his wife and he blames it on her weight. And, yes, she hasn’t lost her baby weight. However, his porn watching is a bigger factor.
Another guy I counsel has a female coworker that he’s too close to. He says it hasn’t gotten sexual (yet), but he’s more attracted to her than to his wife and it’s not just because of how she looks, it’s how she treats him. This woman thinks he’s wonderful (she’s married too), while his wife isn’t happy with him for a number of reasons, in addition to his work wife.
It’s always important to consider your appearance. The wife above would be wise to work on her weight, but that’s not all that’s needed to change her husband’s attraction to her.
Behavior and communication are two important areas where you can focus on that will have a big impact on your husband being attracted to you. These areas are too often overlooked.
If you’re looking for signs he’s not attracted to you then your relationship is most likely not in a good place. If that’s the case, then you’re also probably feeling –
These feelings are going to come out. And even though they’re normal given the circumstances, they won’t be very appealing to him.
So, look at and focus on how you behave towards and communicate with him.
The signs your husband is not attracted to you can be very painful to see and accept. But doing so is necessary in order to get him attracted to you again. So, muster the courage and strength to do so. You have it in you.
Do you believe your husband’s not attracted to you? What signs have you seen? Please share them with other readers and get their feedback.
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