What Signs Will I See If My Husband’s Not Attracted To Me?

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7 Min Read

Contents

Men Are Attracted In More Ways Than Just Sexually
What Are The Signs He Really Wants To Be With Me?
Ways Men Show They're Attracted After The Honeymoon Stage
How Can I Change His Attraction To Me?
Takeaways Regarding The Signs He’s Not Attracted To You

“In the beginning he couldn’t keep his hands off me. Now he won’t ever touch me. Is this a sign my husband’s not attracted to me anymore?”

Janice asked me this last week. I told her maybe, but there are also a number of other explanations than just this one.

All relationships change. There are stages relationships progress through, and attraction to a partner can look different in each one and for each person.

Another important thing to know is that the signs your husband is no longer attracted to you can be about more than just sex. Unfortunately, too many people mistakenly judge the strength of their relationship based on the sex frequency, interest, and satisfaction.

Because partners naturally drift apart (unless they do something to counter that), looking for signs your husband is still attracted to you is very common. And it’s not just women who wonder this about their partner – men ask this about their wives too.

Men Are Attracted In More Ways Than Just Sexually

Men are often more sexually focused than women, but not always. I’ve counseled women who are more interested in sex than their partners.

If a husband isn’t showing interest in his wife, either physically or sexually, then she’s likely to think something’s wrong. This is why Janice was asking what the signs are that husbands aren’t attracted to their wives.

I’ve talked with Janice’s husband, Richard, and know he still finds her physically attractive, but he also admits he doesn’t feel attracted to her.

Yes, these are different.

Her hunch is correct, but she’s got the reasons wrong.

Richard doesn’t like the way she talks to him and treats him. So, despite his finding her attractive and still wanting sex, he doesn’t want to with her.

He says that he comes home early from work (by 5:15) because she’s asked him to so he can help with their two young girls. When he comes home he takes over the parenting while she goes to take a bath or just get a break.

No problem, he says. And often he handles the whole evening routine by himself.

But rather than get some gratitude from her, Richard gets criticism –

He didn’t load the dishwasher correctly
Forgot to wash out the baby’s bottle
Missed washing their oldest daughter’s hair

And when Janice is really mad at him she gives him the silent treatment – for days at a time.

Then when she wants some physical affection or intimacy, he’s just not feeling it.

This is just one example from a couple I’m counseling right now. I’ve heard hundreds of variations that make the same point.

What Are The Signs He Really Wants To Be With Me?

Sex is the typical way most partners measure the attraction and health of their relationship.

However, while this is one way to gauge the status of the relationship, it’s not a very good one.

My husband and I have been together 28 years. I am 55 years old. Years ago, I was thin and pretty. Over the years I gained about 15 pounds and stopped working out. I know my body doesn't look good and I know my husband isn't attracted to me anymore. I think he's addicted to porn and may have cheated (with girls half my age). We haven't had sex in about 1 year and when we did, he couldn't perform. He became very distant and even mean. He stares at women right in front of me and even once made a comment about a woman much prettier, thinner and way younger than me that, that's what I used to look like. What do I do? I know I got heavy and let myself go and that's probably why he's looking elsewhere.” -Bethany

Sex can be a sign of attraction to your partner, but that’s not a certainty. As we all know, sex can also be just about you and wanting the pleasure and release.

I worked with a couple years ago in divorce counseling and the guy would still drop by for a quickie while they were going through their divorce. In other words, I don’t like you (or am not attracted to you) enough to stay married, but I’ll still take the sex if I can get it.

Based on their sexual relations this guy looked like he was still attracted to his wife, but in reality, he really wasn’t.

Ways Men Show They’re Attracted After The Honeymoon Stage

Want to understand if he’s really attracted to you? Start by thinking about how he treats you in general.

How you’re treated is a much more accurate sign of his attraction to you than sex. After all, we all show care toward the things we like. So, ask yourself the following questions:

Is he caring?

Doing kind things and going out of his way is one of the ways men show their attraction.

Does he compliment you?

And I don’t mean just, “You look hot in that dress.” Compliments about you, your efforts, and the person you are indicate his interest.

Does he acknowledge when you do something for him?

Showing appreciation for the things you do for him is part of the expression of interest and attraction.

Or is he critical? Angry at you? Mean to you? Controlling?

None of these behaviors are acceptable and may indicate he’s not truly attracted to the person you are.

Is he physically affectionate without it having to lead to sex?

This is a tough one for a lot of men because don’t know the difference. But a hug or kiss doesn’t have to lead to tearing clothes off. It could just be a sign he’s attracted to you.

Does he care about your needs and interests?

Expressing interest in you, what you do, and what you like are expressions of attraction.

Does he treat you like a partner or roommate?

When you’ve been together for a long time things can become comfortable. Sometimes too comfortable. It’s up to both of you to keep the flame alive, but if he’s put you in the roommate zone it could be a sign he’s not attracted to you.

Looking at non-sexual behavior is the best way to determine genuine attraction. If your husband’s not doing any of the above (or doing the opposite of them), it’s a sign he’s not attracted to you.

I’ve been going through your articles for about an hour now and found them to be great reminders, I was aware of most of what was said. My biggest thing is that I really don’t feel like my husband finds me attractive, and I don’t know what happened as before we got married (literally less than 2 months ago) he was completely different. I’m afraid that his bad habits are getting the best of him and it seems as though all he cares about when he gets home from work is having a drink, eating, and rolling more cigarettes to smoke for the next day. I’ve been hesitant to say anything because he only gets defensive when I try to bring it up and I don’t know how to talk to him about it without him being defensive. I care so much about him and I’m trying so many different angles but I feel like no matter what I do, he just doesn’t take care of himself and has no desire to, and it’s affecting him and our relationship and it scares me for our future. I know there are ways that I’ve gone about it that weren’t nice and though I meant well just put him down, and now I’m so afraid to say anything at all. But it’s hard not to get frustrated when he barely even gives me a kiss when he gets home from work, and then guilts me if I don’t have dinner ready early enough. I don’t know what happened...” -Rene

How Can I Change His Attraction To Me?

We can’t change anything about anybody else – we can only change ourselves. However, you can influence him.

A helpful thing to keep in mind though is that it’s possible (actually likely) that his attraction to you may have more to do with him than you.

For instance, if he looks at porn regularly that’s going to play a much bigger part in what he finds physically attractive than how you look. A guy I’m counseling right now isn’t attracted to his wife and he blames it on her weight. And, yes, she hasn’t lost her baby weight. However, his porn watching is a much bigger factor.

Another guy I counsel has a female coworker that he’s too close to. He says it’s not sexual (yet), but he’s more attracted to her than to his wife and it’s not just because of appearance – it’s because of how she treats him. This woman thinks he’s wonderful (she’s married too), while his wife isn’t happy with him for a number of reasons.

It’s important to take care of yourself. The wife above would be wise to consider how she’s presenting herself, but that’s not all that’s needed.

Behavior and communication are important areas to focus on that have a big impact on your husband’s attraction to you. These areas are too often overlooked.

If you’re looking for signs he’s not attracted to you, then your relationship is probably not in a good place. If that’s the case, then you’re also probably feeling –

Hurt
Alone
Depressed
Angry

These feelings are going to come out. And even though they’re normal given the circumstances, they won’t be very appealing to him.

Takeaways Regarding The Signs He’s Not Attracted To You

No wife wants to feel like her husband’s not attracted to her. If you feel you’ve seen signs he isn’t attracted to you, keep the following in mind:

Expressions of attraction aren’t always sexual or even physical. Use the questions above to help you consider things from a different perspective.
You can’t force him to be attracted to you. But you can focus on yourself and make positive changes about yourself. Often that creates an attitude and confidence that men find attractive.
If he’s watching porn, that can interfere with your relationship and his feelings of attraction to you. Consider speaking with a counselor if this is the case.

The signs your husband isn’t attracted to you can be painful to see and accept. But doing so is necessary to bring the attraction back. So, muster your courage and strength – you have it in you.

Do you believe your husband’s not attracted to you? What signs have you seen? Please share them with other readers and get their feedback.

Editor's Note: This post was originally published February 24, 2022 and has been updated with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.