You have this nagging feeling that your husband is no longer in love with you. Learn what to do next
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Most advice on how to make him want you is going to focus on your appearance and sexuality. Lose weight, get a breast enlargement or false eye lashes, be willing to have more sex. But the reason, or more likely reasons, he doesn't want you are usually much more complicated.
Unfortunately, many people make the mistake of using sex as a way to measure the status of their relationship. When their partner loses interest in sex they take that to mean they've lost interest in them. As a result, it's easy to think that how you make him want you is all about how you look.
It’s actually not.
We have been together for about 6 years and I feel he is not sexually attracted to me anymore. I have given birth to 4 children so I know my body doesn't look like it used to but I have gained about 25 pounds and I now weight 150 so I know I'm pretty big. We had a baby about 6 months ago and have had sex once. He tells me that married couples don't have sex very much but I think that's his excuse because he isn't attracted to me. I have caught him so many times looking at pretty girls and then when I see him do it and say something he pretends he didn't even see her walk past so now I don't even say anything but it makes me feel like I'm not good enough for him. It's got as bad as me changing in the bathroom with the door closed so he can't see me." -Brittany
While wanting him to want you can easily be understood as wanting you sexually, there's a lot more to it than that. It might surprise some men, but most women (as Brittany shows) do actually want to have sex (just not always as frequently).
But being wanted is comprised of much more than just sex. Wanting to be wanted describes:
A woman I counseled last week is beyond frustrated that her husband will hug his sister, but not her. He spends the weekends helping his parents, but when he's home doesn't help her with anything, even with the kids. He texts and talks to friends and family daily, but not her.
When your partner prioritizes everyone and everything else above you it leaves you wondering what you have to do to make him:
Often the feeling of not being wanted starts far before any opportunity for sex arises. As a couple there should be an intrinsic desire to work together on building your lives. This includes repetitive day-to-day tasks, like caring for the kids and household chores.
When it feels like your partner has no interest in this aspect of your lives and relationship it also feels like they have no interest in you. In other words, it makes you feel like you’re not wanted.
The fallout from this breakdown in partnership is that you each begin to grow apart from one another. The emotional distance created directly impacts the physical desire for each other. Pretty soon there’s no intimacy, no real desire, and you’re left wondering what you can do to make him want you again. He may even wonder what he can do to make you want him.
Before you can answer the question of 'how' to make him want you, you've got to first answer of 'why' doesn't he want you. Here are a few places to start to think about that men tell me are reasons why they lose interest in their partner:
Sometimes one or several of these things can be a ticking time bomb in a man that finally goes off. Typically, it's a combination of several of the above factors.
Here's another woman who feels her guy doesn't want her because he has no interest in sex:
His interest in sex has just kept decreasing...and when we do have sex it is no foreplay or his interest literally dies...I have tried lingerie, hints, waking him up to sexual favors and even straight out saying "I want you now!"...Sometimes I will get a "let me take some insulin and gimme an hour" or "I'm too busy" I am lucky if I get it 3 times a month! Now this is hard on me because I am very sexual (only 25) and I feel he should be (only 29!!) yet foreplay is gone, I can not remember my last orgasm...and when I do get sex it is him pounding away for 1-15 minutes and then I am left wanting more and all he wants to do is return to the PC..." -Evette
The 'how' to make him want you is dependent upon the 'what' of what is turning him off. It will probably take some time to figure this completely out, but most likely you already have some ideas. So, here's where to start:
The answer to how to make him want you looks different for each relationship. However, I've discussed some of the most common factors and I hope they help you discover what's gone wrong in your relationship.
Please leave a comment below and share with us what your relationship looks like if you’re in the same boat of wanting to make him want you.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published Jan 13, 2017 and has been updated with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
You have this nagging feeling that your husband is no longer in love with you. Learn what to do next
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My husband of 13 years had an affair with a woman he works with (also married) a year ago. We reconciled, a month later he said he was talking to and spending time with her again but was done and sorry. I forgave him and we have been working in our marriage since. Things have been up and down for sure. Infedility is hard to overcome but we've both had the goal of staying together in our sights. About a month ago his mom has reached the end stage of her battle with cancer, our car broke down, and a few other things in life happened. At one point he told me if I took a traveling job, he wouldn't miss me that much. From about this point on he has shut down emotionally. He doesn't show any affection towards me besides the obligatory goodbye kiss and I love you. He says he loves me but he doesn't know if he wants to be with me. I've suggested separating if he needs space but he always says it's up to me. He says I'm annoying and he doesn't feel the need to be physical with me but he has been for the last 16 years we've been together. One of the main complaints as to why he had the affair was because he felt neglected physically and emotionally. Now he is doing the same thing to me. Ive told him this and all he says is if he makes me so unhappy then I should leave. He has said he doesn't want to be with me. That he doesn't feel anything for anyone anymore. That he had turned it all off. He says he won't ever be happy with anything in life and he will never make me happy that I don't like who he is. I reassure him and I've asked him to get help and he won't do it. He will talk to me and everyone else like it's the good times but then we will go to bed and he rolls away from me without a single kiss or hug. I've told him I need him to be more affectionate and I get I will do better but it never happens. He says I'm annoying and clingy. i don't know what to do. He acted close to this when he was cheating. He swears he's not and he doesn't have much time to do it. He's lost interest in our church again and he says he needs to have time by himself. But then if I leave the room to give him space, he follows me around asks what's wrong or what am I doing. I don't get it. It's hard to not think he is cheating on me again with that woman he still works with. I'm at a loss. I don't know if he is depressed because of his mom and all the stress at home and work and everywhere else. I don't know. He says he still loves me. What do I do?
Annie, I am sorry to hear about your difficulties. It sounds like there are a lot of conflicting emotions for the both of you. There are a number of reasons that could explain your husband's behavior, but without talking to him I would not be able to offer an informed opinion. Your confusion is understandable though. It sounds like neither on of you are ready to give up yet and that's a good thing. You, your husband, and your marriage may all benefit from the help of a professional counselor. I would encourage you to give that some consideration. - Dr. Kurt