There's No Intimacy In My Marriage

5 Min Read

Contents

State Of Intimacy In Many Marriages
Why Intimacy Can Disappear In Marriage
Other Things That Suffer When Intimacy Is Lost
Why You Need To Cultivate An Intimate Connection
How To Handle No Intimacy In Marriage
Takeaways If There’s No Intimacy In Your Marriage

No intimacy in your marriage? Many couples who’ve been married for years will roll their eyes or give a derisive snort when asked about it.

In fact, most will say that at the end of the day they feel lucky just to have showered, exercised or gotten through the variations of bedtimes, homework, or work emergencies.

Heading to bed to enjoy the intimate connection that marriage brings now often means building a pillow wall and turning on a white noise machine to drown out snoring.

But just because there’s no intimacy in many marriages doesn’t mean you have to accept it as fact in your own.

State Of Intimacy In Many Marriages

Maybe the thought of kissing your spouse now seems foreign or like too much work.

Or you’re certain your spouse is equally as exhausted as you are, and you’re both better off sleeping rather than being intimate.

Sound familiar?

It’s not uncommon for couples to suddenly realize that somewhere along the way the intimacy in their marriage disappeared. Where it was once a struggle to keep your hands off each other, now you need a pep talk just to start thinking about being in "the mood."

If you’re nodding your head in agreement, rest assured you’re not alone. Not being alone doesn’t mean you should allow it to continue, however.

Long-term relationships go through many changes throughout the years. Intimate connection, especially the physical aspect, generally ebbs and flows like the tides.

Although this is normal, complete absence of any intimate connection isn’t healthy.

Why Intimacy Can Disappear In Marriage

The truth is life just isn’t always sexy.

Building a life together can be trying and fraught with difficulties, all of which can suck the desire to be intimate right out of your lives.

Finding the time and motivation to reconnect when you realize the intimacy has left your marriage can become more and more difficult, even to the point where you each simply stop trying.

Common issues that drain the desire for intimacy are:

Exhaustion
Stress and anxiety
Frustration
Children (who can bring on all of the above)

Keep in mind that it’s not just you who are affected by these issues, your spouse is as well. And they may be affected differently or by different versions of the same issue. You’re in the same boat, even if it’s on different ends.

Physical changes can also affect your attraction to your spouse and your ability to enjoy intimate life.

A person’s psychological and physical state can have an effect on things like,

Attraction level
Desire
Ability to respond sexually

These changes can be related to several things, but some of the biggest culprits are,

Having a child (This can affect both men and women somewhat differently, but with the same result)
Postpartum depression (men can suffer with this too)
Midlife crisis
Illness

These issues can and should be addressed. You shouldn’t let life’s milestones or aging be your limiting factor when it comes to intimacy in marriage.

Choosing not to make changes and allowing the intimacy in your marriage to die will create a void. Voids cause disconnection between spouses that can lead to dissatisfaction with your marriage, which can make partners vulnerable to cheating.

Other Things That Suffer When Intimacy Is Lost

A lack of intimacy can also be the precursor to development of larger issues.

When you allow a lack of intimacy to become the norm, you create opportunities for cracks to form.

Those cracks can turn into fissures and before long what was a lack of physical intimacy becomes a loss of emotional connection.

Spouses then often find themselves feeling more like roommates than partners.

When you can’t connect with your spouse beyond simply managing day-to-day responsibilities, you start to lose the part of your relationship that brought you together in the first place.

Before long you’ll,

Lose interest in talking to one another
Stop noticing each other
Struggle with growing resentment
Become strangers

Why You Need To Cultivate Intimate Connection

Sex isn’t just about physical pleasure. And intimacy isn’t just sex.

Dr. Kurt counsels couples on intimacy issues frequently. He says,

I regularly hear partners complain that there’s no intimacy in their marriage. Men are almost always talking about sex when they say this. While women can mean this too, they're usually describing something more, like the emotional and verbal connection with their partner that's missing. Regardless of the aspect of intimacy being referred to, it's unhealthy and dangerous."

Sex and intimacy can exist independently of one another, but for the most rewarding and bonded experience they should go hand-in-hand.

Women especially have a difficult time separating the physical from the emotional. Creating an intimate experience on both levels may take extra effort, but the effort is worth it.

Again, you may be at different ends of the same boat, but finding a solution that brings you together will benefit you both.

How Do I Handle No Intimacy In Marriage?

Short answer – make an effort.

At the end of that long day, it’s easy to give in to being tired. But what happens if you don't?

You don’t have to accept that there’s no intimacy in your marriage. Try making small efforts like,

Touching
Kissing
Even just laying a little bit closer to one another

A rope needs more than one strand to be strong, but that first strand is crucial. Taking the first step can feel uncomfortable and may even come with fear of rejection. But there’s a good chance your efforts will be well received and then matched.

Takeaways If There’s No Intimacy In Your Marriage

Lack of intimacy in a marriage may be common, but you shouldn’t allow it to become constant.

Keep the following in mind to keep your relationship strong:

Without intimacy partners can grow apart.
Growing apart can result in problems that can be avoided.
Desire can follow effort, so don’t give in to not “being in the mood,” or being “too tired” all the time.
Intimacy doesn’t mean just sex. Efforts at simply being close and vulnerable with each other can make a big difference.

Marriage isn’t always easy. Things that were effortless at the beginning will, at some point, require effort. No one provides an instruction manual on your wedding day, but know that navigating the ups and downs – like no intimacy in your marriage - takes consistent effort.

Editor's Note: This post was originally published May 24, 2017, updated August 9, 2022, and has been updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.