What can you do if You Are Living In A Loveless Marriage? Learn important questions you should be asking if Your Marriage Is Loveless. Love can come back.
What every wife fears the most is the other woman in my marriage. Whether it happens intentionally or innocently, the effect of another woman’s involvement in your marriage is still the same -- it's destructive.
As we all know, the technology we carry around with us gives us instant access to a lot of things that can become problems for us. One example is the ability to communicate with anyone, anywhere, anytime, which makes having another woman in your marriage something everyone is vulnerable to.
Re-connection with old girlfriends through sites like Facebook, or the ability for text exchanges to become too personal and intimate can pose a real problem for a relationship. These things can start in a very innocent way and escalate quickly, especially if there are already issues in the marriage.
A man I started counseling recently is struggling in his marriage. In fact, he and his wife have decided to separate. Alec doesn't realize it, but the other woman in his life is also in his marriage. The relationship with this other woman started innocently enough, as it usually does. Not all people go out looking to cheat, in fact most don’t -- for many it kind of just happens.
For Alec, it started out with talking to a female coworker at work during breaks. At first it was just friendly conversation about work and what was in the news. Before long he was telling her about his unhappiness at home. As she showed more interest and concern, he told her more and more about his marriage and dissatisfaction with his wife. Although he didn't set out looking for it, he ended up having an affair with her. This had very little to do with a desire for a sexual relationship and a great deal to do with the emotional connection that they forged. This kind of connection is what can push people into taking things one step further and feeling like their behavior is justified.
Some of the men I counsel never even sleep with the other woman, but that doesn't mean an emotional affair isn't cheating or doesn't have a negative impact on their marriage or significant other. Unfortunately, most men and women in these situations do end up succumbing to the sexual temptation and have a sexual affair. This makes putting the marriage back together all the more challenging -- although not impossible.
Alec told me his relationship with the other woman "probably has influenced" his marriage and decision to separate from his wife. I had to stop and correct him, not "probably," but "definitely" it has. How could it not?
Unhappy husbands who bring the other woman into their marriage believe the new relationship helps them see what a different, better, happier relationship could be like. But what it really gives them is an inaccurate comparison that is unfair to their wife and marriage. Regardless of the problems you have with your partner, the other woman is always going to be more appealing because the relationship is new, in the honeymoon stage, and without the history you have with your spouse. Remember, your relationship with your wife probably felt very similar in the beginning.
Here's another example of what the other woman in my marriage can look like:
My husband and I have been married for only 5 months and we are having problems. I loved him so much and I married him, but after only 2 months of happiness together I found messages on his phone that he was communicating with his ex-girlfriend. He was surprised when I blew up. He said its just words and he didn't actually go around sleep her. I am hurt and angry that he is talking to her and ignoring me. My husband hates me for how I have reacted and he wants to separate."
It's not just men who can bring another person into the marriage either - women can be just as guilty. One of my patients once told me:
I've been with my wife for 18 years and I found out she is talking to another man on the internet, they have not had sex, but she says she loves him and no longer loves me. How can I get her back?"
And it's not always a romantic relationship that brings the other woman into the marriage, other types of relationships can also interfere:
My wife of 20 years has just moved out and we have two kids. One reoccurring argument is that she is always with her older sister. Her sister will call and my wife leaves on a Friday afternoon and does not return till 10:00 or 11:00 the next day. When I confront her on this she say's I'm controlling and that I don't want her spending time with her sister. That's not it, I have no problem with that, with them it's twice a week, she's her best friend and sole mate, something I wish I was in her eye's, but I can't & won't even try to compete with that, they are each others safety net for life or something."
The other woman in my marriage isn't always what we would expect. It's not always a woman, it can be a man too, and it doesn't even have to be a romantic interest either, a mother, sibling, or friend who is too involved in a spouse's life robs the partner and can destroy the relationship also.
Marriage is a commitment between two people to share their lives together. And while outside interests and friendships are important, they should not take away or replace anything from the marriage itself.
Problems in a marriage are normal -- all marriages go through rocky phases. The difference between those that survive and those that don’t is the way you handle those things. Bringing another woman into your marriage (or anyone for that matter) will not help. Even though it feels good, it will only make things worse.
So before you find yourself wondering, "how did we get here?" or "who is the other woman in my marriage?", consider taking some preventative measures. Working on your relationship now can save you and your spouse a lot of heartache later.
Please share your thoughts about the other woman in your marriage in a comment below. There are more than 50 comments from other readers -- check them out and see what others have to say.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published June 19, 2015 and has been updated with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
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This article describes my current marriage although I am heading for divorce because my spouse no longer wants to be in this marriage and he feels that he no longer is in love with me so there’s no use to working on our marriage even though I still love him and I always have loved him it’s hard for me to go down this road but a marriage is supposed to be two people Who are willing to sacrifice their needs for the well-being of the family and at this point he is not willing to sacrifice his Needs to explore what it feels like to be single again. I had to choose my sanity and emotional well-being and overall happiness over this failing relationship. But if anyone is finding themselves and their spouse in an emotional affair I do think that it’s possible to move past it ONLY if you two are willing to sacrifice a LOT for the marriage to work, IE: giving up the other woman or man completely and see a counselor right away! if you don’t see a counselor it will NOT work. just accept the lost and your partner will always be connected to that other person even though they are “trying” to work on the marriage without another professional source your spouse will only be buying themselves time until they really find it hard to put up with the marriage and their fantasy of a life with the other person will only grow stronger. they well feel like the marriage is keeping them from being with who they think they really want to be with. Even though in real life that affair may not even be a lasting relationship your partner will only collect resentment from you bc they will continue to think “what if” and their affair partner will sway them to always feel like they are trapped in a wrong situation, even if you do everything and anything to make them happier. It will only be a waste of time and energy. They will leave and it will still be ur fault bc they will find every reasoning they could come up with as to why they want to leave and not blame their affair. Bc they “trying “ to be married but in reality they weren’t really trying to change bc if they were they would make an effort to seeing therapy, counseling, marriage classes, seminars, meetings with pastors, even reading books together. If none of these are sought out nothing will change and no one is healing and divorce will be envitable.
Wishing you all peace and healing. xo
Married for 6 yrs. now (10 yrs together) and the last 3-6 years have been a battle, we have intimacy issues that haven't gotten any better even though he has promised numerous times that he will try to open up more and try to be more romantic and loving. I understand we are at sexual drives and I stop asking for sex, but this time I really had it I wanted the honest truth about way he doesn't want to be intimate with me even though I am here more than willing and he says that honestly he isn't attracted to me anymore. He says he knows that he finds beautiful and loves me as a person but he just don't have the desires for me like he did when we meet and started making love. He even says he wants another kid but how do we go about that when he only have sex every month or so, and even when we do it me who has to basically force him to have the will to do so. I can blame myself for my lack of self esteem because I have gained some weight since having our first child about (20lbs or so) and I am slightly overweight from BMI standards but I have been working on it. Going back to school and being a working mother and wife hasn't been easy and my weight has been going up and down for the last 3 years and my self esteem has taken a hit, and the simple fact that I am constantly rejected by my husband night after night because he's "too tired" or has to be up early the next day really takes a toll on a person especially when all I want is to be close to him. He works very hard to support our family and I don't want to come off as being ungrateful for all the things he does for us and he does like to spoil me by buying me things like enjoy and keeping me "happy" through the holidays and such but when he came out with this confession, what do I do now? I am deeply cut by his words I've always felt sexual desire towards him even though he's gained weight since 10 years ago. I do feel like he's my best friend and I tell him everything and I really don't know how I would feel if I lost him in my daily life. We have a kid together and he's even affected by the tension we have because of this and other things like us fighting about other life changes. I just don't know what I should do with this now that I know the truth. Should I ask him to move out or should I continue with working on myself regardless of how he feels about me and continue through this marriage as act as if we're happy around our child and families? He wants to work on our marriage but hes' been saying this for almost 4 years now. and not much as changed other than me resorting to other things like toys and such... I asked him if he wants to spice things up and even bring up the idea of an open marriage so when he travels he can have a pass to maybe fulfill something he's missing, but nothing has been worked out and I just have excuse after excuse or hopeful wishes like " we will work it out" ..at the end of the day I want him to be satisfied and happy even if that happiness isn't with me, but he refuses to go on a separation or even the idea of me being with anyone else drives him nuts. I'm just lost for options. I think therapy would be great but we are not financially sound since I am a new college grad. and he is struggling to pay bills. Please if anyone can be straight forward with me . Am I lost for hope? Should we just call it quits and find happiness else where even if it's being alone? Thank You in advance. xo LoveLost
My husband's best friend is a woman. She's my best friend too. She's great and all. But she's ALWAYS around. And because they don't have kids together it works out that they're able to spend more time alone than he and I do... I'm suddenly having a really hard time with this. It's a friendship that's existed for a few years now, but all of a sudden in the last month or two it's been real tough. I've had people come up to me and ask "what the deal is"... To say something at this point, after years of not saying anything, seems like an ass hole thing to do... I don't know what to do.
Hi Bea, This can be a tough one. Friendships of any kind shouldn't take time away from you two as a couple. That is the first priority. If you are feeling uncomfortable with the situation I recommend you talk honestly with your husband. You haven't mentioned any other issues in your marriage, so hopefully he is open to hearing what you have to say and respecting that. It will also give him the opportunity to explain why things may feel different. He may have no idea you feel this way. I wish you the best. -Dr. Kurt
I’ve been with my husband for 17 years, married 14. We have two children, 16 and 12. We have had a pretty good marriage so far, there have been some ups and downs. Hubby had an affair after 7 years of marriage. I had no idea about it. He confessed to me, broke down, was very remorseful and we managed to get through it. What followed was a few hard years of trialling an open marriage. That didn’t work so we put a stop to it and became very close. We were a happy family. Late 30’s, 2 kids in sport, I played sport, we both work full time, mortgage.... the usual stress in families. All was well for a few years until 2 years ago. Just before hubby turned 40, he met a woman. He started an affair. He moved out for 4 weeks. I quizzed him on this woman (as I knew who she was) and he denied it. Said he just needed time to work himself out. I eventually found out the truth about her. After only two months of knowing her they were applying for rentals to move out together. Yet hubby couldn’t commit. I might just add here, before I found out about the affair, he would come home and he loving and caring with me and be intimate with me.
He moved home when I found out about her, and promised that it was over. It wasn’t. He then spent the next two years moving in and out of our home to be with her. But he never moved in with her. In April 2017, he hired a cabin to put on a friends property and he left me and the kids. He was gone 3 days before he started texting me and telling me he was sorry and that he loves me and needed to be with his family. He confessed about the cabin and he said he would move home. It took him 2 months to eventually give up the cabin and come home. Another month goes by and I find out he is still in contact with the other woman. This time he left to sleep on his cousins couch, went and saw a solicitor, then had a breakdown and ended up going to stay with his parents for a week. He sent me many text messages and rang me a lot to say he loves me and wanted to come home. I let him back home. He then seemed very depressed and distant for the next few months. Going for long drives on his own, leaving for an entire night here and there. I knew deep down this other woman was still on the scene. Then in February 2018 he moved in to his own unit. Said he wanted to be by himself. I let him go. He moved on a Friday and Saturday, by the Sunday he was back on my doorstep demanding we work on the marriage. Saying he was deeply sorry for the other woman and that he loved me. This went on for 6 months. I knew he was still seeing the other woman. I couldn’t prove it. He would spend some nights at home and then head back to the unit. I decided to give him the choice. Come home and work on the marriage or leave. He isn’t playing the single life and keeping me on the shelf to come back to when he pleases. He moved home. I might just add he started seeing a counsellor in April 2018, but this didn’t seem to change his behaviour. So I’m not sure what he actually tells his therapist. He stayed home for 3 months until I caught him back in touch with this other woman. He was on and off with me. Loving with me, caring, then very distant. So I took it upon myself to contact the other woman myself. Turns out he had been telling her he was living with his sister and we weren’t together anymore. He told me on the Wednesday we were over, he didn’t love me and that was that. So I let him go. He was back on my doorstep asking forgiveness and saying he loves me the very next morning at 4am. I told him to leave. He rang me not long after and was crying and begging to save our marriage. I love him so much I gave in again and said come home. He took me out for dinner that night, was intimate with me, took me away for the weekend and then on the Monday I found out he was back in contact with the other woman again. So I told him to leave.
I am heart broken. He is pushing for the sale of our family home. When I ask him if he loves the other woman he says no. When I ask him if he loves me, he says he will always love je. When I ask him if he is sure he wants to completely throw away his family he doesn’t answer.
I have spent two years trying to show him how much I love him, because his complaint the whole time has been I don’t show him love. I have spent so much money on him, time on him, and been more adventurous and exciting in the bedroom. He leaves and always comes back. I cannot work out why? I feel like I just have to let him go, get this other woman out of his system. She lives an hour away. They have this fantasy relationship going on with no fault stressors of kids or mortgage or anything. I can’t see that he loves her either. She had no where to live when he had his unit and he didn’t offer her a place to stay. It’s just mind blowing. I tend to over think everything and look for answers, I’m never going to get them.
I feel I have to say no to him when he comes back again and let him believe the marriage is over so that he hits rock bottom and can take responsibility for his behaviour. At the moment he is blaming me (and his father) for his behaviour. He said his dad told him on our wedding day that “divorce is not part of our vocabulary” and that is why he has stayed.
He used to be a great dad, he hasn’t even bothered with our children anymore. He doesn’t do anything for them, or with them. Our 11 year old daughter doesn’t want to know him anymore and he has made no effort to try and patch that relationship. He didn’t even say goodbye to the kids when he moved out. I wish I could get him to see his destructive behaviour. But he just doesn’t. And he won’t let go of this woman. They don’t have much of a physical relationship, but they talk and text all day every day. I’m gutted. And despite this very long sad tale I still have hope for my marriage, if only my husband could get the right help and take responsibility for himself.