Is there No Intimacy In Your Marriage? Find out what you can do about Lack of Marriage Intimacy.
What's a warning sign that your marriage is headed towards divorce? When you start to think, "he has checked out of our marriage." This is a first stage warning sign that more women (and men) need to recognize as early as possible.
The first step out of a marriage is to check out. The second step is to step out through an excessive focus elsewhere, like on work or a hobby or an affair. And the third and last step is to walk out.
Ironically, many marriages never get to the third step -- they get stuck in step one or two. A lot of people mistakenly accept (or ignore) being in a marriage where their partner has either checked out or stepped out and stay stuck in that stage.
It's not uncommon at all for a partner to feel that the other partner has checked out of the marriage. In fact, just this week 2 couples told me in couples counselingthat they feel like "roommates"-- which is another sign that one or both partners have checked out.
Here's a submission we received from a wife who believes her husband has checked out:
I am currently unemployed and choosing to be a stay home mom. I have been married for the past 11 years and have two boys. My husband and I have had our differences of opinions over the attitude of his family towards me and has not once stood up in my support to their demeaning behavior towards me. I have been struggling with him lately again over his lack of emotional availability after my mother passed away. I think he has checked out of our marriage. He has been yelling at me, is angry, restless, has insomnia and very low self esteem. I was under severe stress this year...I had a very difficult pregnancy, my son was born with a medical condition and I lost my mother who I was very close to. I also lost a few relatives this year. But my husband has not been able to say any comforting words to me or even touch me with a hug. We have intimacy issues. I am recommending couples counseling but he is refusing. We have temporarily separated. What should I do?" -Megan
What are some signs that your partner has checked out?
So what should Megan do? She should go to couples counseling without him. Couples counseling doesn’t require two people – it can be done with only one person too. Most partners refuse to go to couples counseling for two reasons: first, to avoid change and second, to keep control.
If you're in Megan's shoes, don't give your partner the power to prevent your relationship from changing. Go to couples counseling with or with him or her (here's a wife facing a checked out husband who did).
By the time you're thinking "he has checked out of our marriage," you're probably right. However, that can be reversed. Just as someone checks out, they can also check back in. It's not usually easy, but it can be done with help. The most important part is not to ignore the warning sign.
Is there No Intimacy In Your Marriage? Find out what you can do about Lack of Marriage Intimacy.
Money conversations have a way of going sideways fast, especially in a relationship, learn how to navigate it here.
It starts with something small – a late bill, an argument over groceries, a home repair, even kids’ school supplies.
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Hello Deb. Sorry to hear it is getting harder. I hear you about the secretiveness. So frustrating. I ask him questions and get little in the way of answers. Makes him look guilty because an adult will usually just answer a question posed to them. Decided recently that it is a power play as we can only go by what someone tells us. And I do believe withholding is a form of emotional abuse, although more subtle than many others. So my counter to that was to search to my own satisfaction which really aggravated him.
There are no rules here. I guess we make them up as we go along. I decided to fight for my marriage. It is bizarre. A roller coaster ride of emotions and behavior. You should not have to live without love. That is in part what a marriage should do best. It certainly does hurt and I look at him and I feel the damage being done. It is cummulative. I know that crying has little effect so I do that more in private now. Talking is tough. And silence is pure misery to me. So I am fighting back. It is not perfect and I do say some things I wish I could take back, even though they are the truth.
I have said I am sorry 4 times over the last week. Nothing comes back at me. It is such a weird space sometimes. My husband came down the other morning. He walked up to me as if to say something and then just said.. "Awkward!" Well yeah, it really is awkward. Someone seems to have swapped out my husband and left some other human in his place. If you are really done, Deb, then I wish you the best. Only you know when done is done. If he is still there... like my husband is, I am going for it. At this point? What do I have to lose? All I know is for me to wallow and feel powerless seems to embolden him. When I fight back I also take back my power and am not leaving my future all in his hands. It might even be gaining me respect in his eyes.
I see alot of women posting that their husbands check out, what about when its the other way around? I'm on the other side of the fence, I know I am not perfect, I certainly have my flaws, but I'm hearing the same things that I am reading from you. I want to change but sometimes change is hard when you don't realize what you are doing is actually a problem.
How do you go about really driving change? Something seem so minor to me, yet seem very serious to her? I know our biggest item is communication. I know I'm not the only one here. Its hard. Trying to sign up for some counceling, we did it in the past, things got better, but its gone back down hill again.
Looking forward to additional comments
Stephen - I think willingness is everything. If my husband had simply said, "I don't know what I am doing that hurts you or how to change, but I do know I love you and want things to be better between us," then followed through on that...took responsibility for his part (rather than blaming me for all the problems)...it would have made all the difference. There has to be a time when you are willing to be vulnerable, to admit our own faults, and try to change negative patterns. Each person has to meet half-way in the healing process. Without that, nothing can change. Be willing to fight for your wife and for your marriage - be "all in" or be done. Good luck!
We've been married 43 years and my husband told me he doesn't love me
anymore. He said has changed
and this has occurred over appx
10 years. He denies having an affair but I feel unsure.
He said his feelings have simply changed. He has problems with ED but
says that it is emotional even though he refused to have his high B/P treated for years His physician has told the the ED
is related to hypertension but he refuses to believe this. He also refuse counseling. I have had chronic pain
and and not as active as I was. My
husband is super critical of me and
excludes me socially. His only interest is sports. He is now refusing to go on vacation together. I just don't know what to do and in spite of my husband's behavior I still love him after 43 yrs of marriage. Suggestions?
He's become clinically depressesed but idea is that he would rather hate life than takes drugs to be happy in an unreal reality or talk with therapists to help himself. I'm done, After 28 years, going every 5-7 years of this type of bipolar behavior I ready to stop trying. Tired. Am I wasting time? When he won't be part of the solution he's only looking for problems, and the problem is never him.
My husband of 32 years recently dropped a bombshell that he doesn't love me anymore and has recently had an affair. He left suddenly with no warning. I came home Sunday and he called and told me over the phone and said he can't face me. He says he loves and cares for me but is no longer in love with me.
He has agreed to counseling but I don't know if it is try to save our marriage or to try to part amicably. I am willing to forgive and work through things. I know this is tearing him apart too. I want to believe there could be hope but I have so many doubts that he will try. I just don't know what he wants. He says he needs space and he told me he moved in with his sister right now. I just don't know what to do to help us get back together.
This is the same for me. Everyday he wakes up positive and by the evening he can't look me in the eye. One minute I'm the love of his life the next I'm a manipulative control freak who stops all his fun! Its a rollercoaster that is destroying me. I'm trying to cope by ignoring him but finding increasingly difficult to manage emotionally. He left and cam back after 4 months and now says he won't leave. He ran out of money and I'm sure he'll go again once he gets some. He is 43 and has started hanging out with a group of 28 year old mates. He refuses to pay bills. He says after paying for his car and going out he has nothing left to give. He has stolen money from my business account and says he did it after an argument and I shouldn't have made mad or wouldn't have done it, when I found out he got mad and threw my phone across the room. Again it's my fault for making him mad and I have to pay for the damage. I am at my wits end, I am becoming depressed and incredibly anxious. I find it hard not to say anything when he is out all night or comes in the early hours after drinking but won't contribute to any part of family life. We have 3 children aged 9,8 and 12. He tells everyone the children are his priority but they have to call him overnight to say goodnight and he avoids us all each weekend. He is a stranger to us all but says if I'd been a better wife non of this would have happened. Our marriage was not anything that couldn't have fixed he did pretty much what he liked, my problem was I was too flexible with boundaries and he continued to push them. I have tried so hard to fix things but its difficult when he is all words no actions. When I tell him its over he says he will make it ok and just brushes it away.