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It’s already May – and that means wedding season is upon us. Weddings are usually such happy occasions, full of love and hope for the future of the bride and groom. As wonderful as it can be, it can also mean mother-in-law problems.
Mother-in-law problems can be one of the biggest issues in an engaged or married couple’s life. In some cases, they’re really more like out-laws. Some mother-in-laws have a way of letting everyone know their displeasure with the new family member over issues big and small – and yet seem to forget their own son or daughter can think or speak for themselves, and in most cases, should.
Why is it that the mother-in-law relationship can be so difficult? When you think about it, it really shouldn’t be. You have so many meaningful things in common: love for the same person, wanting what’s best for that person, and for them to be happy. For some though, it’s these same things that make for fast adversaries.
Some mother-in-law problems arise out of a competition for the attention of the adult child. Because they are now spending all of their time with their fiancée or new spouse, there may not seem to be room enough for mom, which can be seen as not loving them as much anymore. When they visit mom, of course your spouse is going to take you with them – you’re now a package deal. Mother-in-law’s can be very resentful of having to share time and space with someone else.
Here’s a comment from our blog where the partner has problems with their mother-in-law:
My advice for ALL married couples is NOT to live with you mother in law. She's acting more like the wife and undermining my relationship with my husband. I had to ask her tonight to let me speak to my husband when he gets home before she does. Usually she just pounces and he gets caught up in what she wants he forgot about me..." –Victoria
Getting married doesn’t mean we no longer love our parents as much, but they will get less of our attention. We are going to still want to visit our parents and include them in our lives – but they have to respect that we’ve made a commitment to someone else and that is now the higher priority relationship. Which means they have to be polite to that person, and accept that that person is now part of the deal when we see them.
Who would know what’s best for their kids better than a mother? As adults, however, we know what’s best for ourselves, not our mom. Some mothers, however, feel that they should reign supreme over our lives – even when we’re 45-years-old. It can be a hard habit for parents to break and some never feel compelled to stop parenting, even adult children. What makes that more difficult is that some of us don’t know how to let our mothers know that we are now adults who think for ourselves. This kind of lack of communication in our marriage can mean problems with the mother-in-law – as well as with our spouse.
Here's a personal example of my own mother-in-law problems. When my husband made the decision to go to grad school, instead of saying anything supportive or positive, my mother-in-law was mad and said, “Well! I’ve been telling him he should go for years, but what do I know – I’m only his mother.” I became the bad guy, not for suggesting grad school, but because he actually went to grad school. When I later told my husband about the comment, he said she had never mentioned grad school to him – so clearly, she wanted me to know she knows what’s best for her son. As his wife, it’s only natural I would want was best for my husband, too, right?
Here’s another blog commenter whose mother-in-law is causing problems, while obviously wanting what’s best for her daughter, by over-stepping her place:
…my wife spent a few days at her mothers but her mother couldn't convince her to stay, she still wants out as she is very stubborn and angry with how life has turned [out for us]…her mother said to have a trial seperation say for 6 months or longer, my wife's mother has advised me to move out of the house and leave the kids with her and I can see the kids once a week…my mother in law say we best divorce and become friends for the sake of the kids…my mother in law organised a friend who is a counciler [to talk] to her...family tensions have been a big part of our marriage over the years, my wife and mother in law say I have changed too many jobs over the years, but I have advised I have never been out of work…" -David
No one wants or needs their mother-in-law (or future one) telling them what’s best for their partner or worse, guilt-tripping them because of some imaginary slight or that they don’t measure up to her expectations. Big or small, whatever the issue may be, if she can’t refrain from commenting or speaking out inappropriately, it’s up to our spouse to talk to her. This can be difficult for our partners since for some it can seem unthinkable to speak out “against” their mother and be independent.
Here's what Kurt thinks:
I've counseled couples where mother-in-laws have been big problems. In fact, one couple right now is getting a divorce partly because his mother-in-law was so intrusive, even moved in with them, and his wife hasn't limited her mother's negative impact on their marriage."
Mother-in-law problems can be so trying. It can be hard to forgive and forget the slights and insults. The important thing to remember is that we love our spouse. We need to work together to come up with boundaries that work for our situations, consistently stick to them, and have a united front.
When we find our mom making snarky comments, laying on guilt trips, or being just plain rude we need to speak up and let her know that’s not ok. Abusive relationships can't be tolerated, even from mom. Once she sees that she cannot divide and conquer, that her adult child is happy with their chosen partner and in life, hopefully she will start to back off, but don't count on it. It will take some effort and patience, but if you stick with it, your mother-in-law problems might become a thing of the past before they poison or destroy your relationship.
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I insulted my overbearing sister in law on Facebook (big no-no I learned1) because she was dominating her siblings over the care of their mither, second guessing them and doing what she wanted to do with no family discussions. I should have known better being an in law to keep my yap shut. Now half the family (including mil) won't talk to me OR MY WIFE! And it has nothing to do with my facebook post! I just happened to pop the bubble of underlyuing tension her family has had for years that nobody would talk about - they wanted to be seen as the "perfect" family. Sorry folks, but you all have problems that need addressed.
My mother in law tried to put me in jail (for something I never did) because her drugged out son (my brother in law) said i did. She has talked horribly about my family, calling them trash and devil people. When my wife and I had went through a bad time with each other, her mom told her to pack up our daughter and go to a shelter. A SHELTER! What kind of mom says that to a daughter who she supposedly loves? My wife, my daughter (she was an infant at the time) and I moved from north Arkansas to south Arkansas for what was suppose to be a fresh start and jobs. Ending up on food stamps and the power getting shut off because neither one of us could find any work. She asked her mom for help (since we were living in one of her moms houses). The power was shut off and I ended up having to jack the power to keep everyone warm. And so we could cook what little food we had. I got into a lot of trouble with my family. For a long time they had nothing to do with me. But I ended up having to call to ask for money. Without hesitation they came and got us. We stayed at a friends place for over a year in Mississippi until we got back on our own feet and got our own place. My folks paid for everything. But according to my wifes mother, they are devilish and trashy. Lol. For a long time my wife didn't speak to her mom. But now all of a sudden she was able to make her way back into our lives again. And she acts like nothing ever happened. What do i do? I have already talked to my wife till I turned blue. It almost cost our marriage before. I do believe this time will go all the way. She listens to what I saw but dies her own thing.
Billy, It can be hard to keep our parents out of our lives forever. You will both need to have a united front and concentrate on your relationship. You may want to see a counselor to help with that, before things get too far along, and definitely before you make any life-altering decisions. -Kurt
We have Uncle in law problems. My husband and I have been married 33 years and his Uncle has carried grudges against dating back over 30 years.
He is, I think a narcissist who is mad I married his party buddy. Uncle has been married numerous times, but always divorces. He has zero morals.
Ten years ago, his inappropriate sexual behavior caused me to go to individual counseling to determine how to protect my kids, their friends and our home.
Uncle had tried to give a 15 year old female a massage since she had a headache. He was 67 at the time and a Psychologist. This incident was acted out in our home while we were gone. He slipped his hands down the back of her pants and she fled.
I was confronted by the girl. My husband never addressed this to his Uncle. Five years later, a church acquaintance of mine, who was a patient of his, ( which I had no idea she was going to him) told me that he had crossed the line with her and she reported it. The licensing board set up an inquiry, Uncle did not attend but voluntarily gave up his license. The second instance was when I sought help.
Uncle was no longer allowed in our home. He still stayed in contact with my husband but was banned from our house.
A couple of years later, with me still in counseling I forgave him and he started being around.
Fast forward to now.
Uncle has harbored malice in his heart towards me.
He verbally attacked me, in our home.
My husband talked to him, but Uncle won't apologize as he doesn't see he did anything wrong.
My husband has limited contact with his Uncle.
We fight a lot about this.
I feel like others enable him to act out by remaining silent.
Uncle's daughter who only has his side of the story wants us to "Patch things up SOON."
She has no idea how badly he has acted, and my husband seems afraid to talk to her about this mess her Dad has created.
I'm at my wits end.
T, This sounds very frustrating. The uncle needs to take responsibility for his own behavior choices. It's also his place to be honest with his daughter, not your husband's. -Kurt
Moved in with my gf and her parents in June of 2014, her mother constantly starting arguments with the father, day in and day out. Constant bickering from a woman (gf mother) who thinks she's entitled to do what she wants when she wants. Hasn't had a job since she was 17, now in her 60s divorced 3 times. Ended up moving bcuz of the sickening way she treated others in the family. Gf conceived our child just before I had moved out. Within 6 months time being away I had obtained a 3bed 1bath home, a vehicle, and all amenities. Ready for the newborn and gf to move in at a moments notice. Long story short she moves back in with mom and dad after feeling she hasn't done anything with her life. Goes to school for Cosmo gets license and is then raising our son for 3 years. Meanwhile, devastated and exasperaTed, doing all I can to stay afloat. I get a call from said gf whom hasn't contacted me in months your child is autistic and needs a father in his life. Says she has moved into a new residence because her mother and father had a fight while driving with my son in the car.. Father was taken to jail.. Says her mother needs to know when I can move in bcuz she is moving in with man she met online. Never seen in person before. So I move in, life was great for two weeks then mother back in my life. Living with us. Constantly undermining myself and my sons mother, snickering comments and plays the i was his care taker for 3 years.. BS beyond fed up. Anxiety threw the f! Roof
On my wedding day my mother in law made my wife cry and insulted me 2 mins after our vows. She yells at me & my kids. Before becoming disabled i paid off a large house; she convinced my wife to build a very expensive house we cant afford. She moved close & demands my wife go cook/clean for her. To avoid losing the house she made a deal with my wife: divorce me; i give up house (i put all the $ in it). In return she'll pay to help refinance, pay 2 yrs college for my 3 kids, give my daughter a car. In return when my youngest goes to college my wife must move next door to her & care for her/husband. I just had transplant, I'm now live in hotels, can only afford bread&water, am passing out, & lost nearly 50 lbs in 6 wks. But i did it to keep kids in their home & help with college. My wife & I cried our last day together. I feel hopeless. I cant even figure out how to pay my bills. Yet my soon to be ex-wife still defends her mom. Het other children will not even visit; only my wife will.