Mommy Says Yes, Daddy Says No – What To Do When Different Parenting Styles Conflict

couple-fighting-over-their-different-parenting-styles

6 Min Read

Contents

The 5 Most Common Relationship Disrupters Caused By Parenting And How To Fix Them
What To Take Away

Very few shared responsibilities are as emotionally charged as parenting. Although having a family can be immensely rewarding, it can also test a relationship’s wherewithal as partners navigate the ups and downs of raising children. Especially when different parenting styles create conflict.

Anyone with children knows that as much as you love them, they can push your buttons more fully than nearly anything else. Making the needed choices and sacrifices that accompany parenting, no matter how willing you may be, can cause stress – stress that can be exacerbated if you and your partner don’t see eye-to-eye on parenting decisions.

When the stress that comes from different parenting styles takes center stage in the relationship, it can strain even the strongest partnerships.

So, what do you do when the differences in how you parent has become your primary relationship problem?

The 5 Most Common Relationship Disrupters Caused By Parenting And How To Fix Them

No matter what other aspects of your relationship look like, effective parenting requires teamwork.

But being a team means knowing where each other’s strengths lie and working together for the greater good. In this case, the production of healthy and happy individuals who can eventually contribute to society.

Unfortunately, most parents’ fierce love for their children can eclipse their willingness to team parent, especially when parenting styles are different.

Dr. Kurt works with couples daily. In his experience differences in parenting styles are a common problem. According to him,

When I work with couples on improving their communication, one of the most frequent topics of conflict is parenting. It's so common that I expect every couple to say they have different parenting styles and am only surprised when they say they parent well together. So, if you and your partner have regular conflict over how to parent your kids you have a lot of company. Unfortunately, when you don't feel supported as a parent it negatively impacts other parts of your relationship as well, as this article explains."

Keeping your relationship strong and being a good parent can feel like you’re constantly working a Rubik’s Cube. You finally get all the yellow to match, only to find that the blue, red, and green are a mess. It can be very tempting to quit, feeling like completing the yellow is all you can do.

Does this mean you give up, keep the yellow, and call it good?

In this analogy this would mean forgoing the rest of your relationship to focus strictly on parenting.

Sound like a good idea?

No, not at all.

You need to keep spinning that cube which equates to identifying the relationship issues coming from your different parenting styles and fix them.

See if you can relate to any of the following:

1. Neglecting the Relationship With Your Partner

Children require a lot of time and focus, that’s a given. Their primary needs and care should always be put first.

But when couples uniformly prioritize everything child-related over their own relationship, it creates an unhealthy imbalance.

It’s natural to want to provide the best for your children, but neglecting your partner can lead to detachment and emotional distance. When your relationship with your partner isn’t nurtured the foundation of the partnership eventually crumbles.

This can be a problem you each contribute to, or it might be driven by one partner more than the other.

Moms tend to be more prone to making this mistake than dads simply because of their biological connection to a child (i.e. pregnancy, birth, nursing).

Solution: While you should never neglect your child(ren), setting boundaries can help your relationship and teach your children about priorities and independence. It also shows them the love you feel for each other and the value of a relationship.

Modeling a good (not perfect) relationship for your children is crucial in teaching them what to expect and how to conduct themselves in the future.

So, allow them to play independently, spend time with extended family or a babysitter, or have a playdate so that you and your partner can focus on each other. It’s a positive for all of you.

This means either one or both of you adjusting your parenting styles to make time for each other.

2. Different Expectations

Are you okay with Elisa getting a B in math, but your partner expects an A?

Or, is your partner always picking up after the kids when you think they need to learn to do it themselves?

It’s not unusual for different parenting styles to result in different expectations of your child. Often these expectations are a product of your own upbringing.

Unfortunately, these different parental expectations can lead to significant disagreements and conflict in your relationship.

It can be incredibly challenging when parents feel strongly that their approach to parenting is right while their partner’s is wrong. However, constant disagreements over discipline, routines, or values will strain your relationship.

Solution: Compromise is key. Sit down and have open, honest discussions about your different parenting philosophies. Search to find common ground and agree on a consistent approach that respects both of your opinions. Remember that children benefit from a stable and united parental front.

3. Busyness and Exhaustion

Whether they’re infants or teens, sleepless nights and demanding schedules are just part of parenting. This takes a toll on both the physical and emotional well-being of parents, making it difficult for couples to connect and communicate effectively.

Exhausted parents tend to reserve positive energy for their children as much as possible. This means that partners bear the brunt of all the other frustration and negative energy that comes from being overly tired, which often leads to arguing.

Solution: The key here is showing each other grace as you work through the most trying times. You also need to remember you’re a team with a common goal and this goal requires dealing with parenting differences in a thoughtful, respectful, and mature way.

So, take turns caring for the children to ensure you both get adequate rest. Additionally, consider enlisting the help of family or trusted friends to provide occasional respite. Prioritizing self-care for each of you is essential for maintaining a healthy relationship.

4. Loss of Individual Identity

Some parents become so absorbed in their caregiving roles that they lose touch with their own identities and interests. This is particularly true for women.

This means the things that drew you to each other can get buried, and you drift apart as those things in common and areas of interest get lost.

After some time, the loss of identity can lead to a sense of emptiness.

It can also,

Create dependency on your role as a parent to define you
Make your children the center your relationship with your partner
Leave your children and partner as your only avenue toward personal fulfillment

Not only can this leave your partner feeling lonely, but what can feel like the loss of the person they fell in love with will also leave them vulnerable to an emotional or physical affair.

Solution: Encourage and support each other in pursuing individual hobbies and interests.

Maintaining a sense of self outside your parenting role is crucial for personal satisfaction, which contributes heavily to the happiness in your relationship. By fostering your individuality, you’ll have more to bring to the relationship, making it stronger and more balanced.

5. Financial Stress

Money is one of the leading causes of arguments in relationships.

The costs associated with raising children - childcare, education, and extracurricular activities - can strain a couple’s finances, creating tension and stress between partners.

Disagreements over budgeting and financial priorities can be exacerbated when parenting styles are different.

One parent may want to spend more on,

Toys, clothing, treats
Sports
Excursions

than the other parent.

In fact,

“It’s for the children.”
“They needed it.”
“All their friends were going (or have it, doing it, etc.).”

are all phrases that can become both a justification for overspending and an instigation of arguments.

Either way, they can cause significant relationship problems.

Solution:Create a realistic budget and financial plan together before having kids, preferably a scalable one that can grow and change as your family does.

If budgeting wasn’t a priority before kids, it definitely needs to be once you have them since their financial security is in your hands now, too.

So, discuss your financial goals and priorities and make joint decisions about how to manage your resources. And not just agreeing that you should save for college.

Different parenting styles mean different views on what’s necessary for your children’s comfort and personal growth.

Discuss,

Sports. Most new parents don’t realize how expensive recreational sports are. So, decide how you’re going to approach engaging your child in new activities and agree on a limit.
Family vacations. This is an expense that must be planned for.
Technology. What will you buy and at what age?

Seek financial advice if needed to ensure a stable financial future for your family.

What To Take Away

Parenting is as hard as it is rewarding. The job is made even harder when challenges stemming from different parenting styles arise. Parenting can become the primary relationship problem for many couples, but they don’t have to spell the end of your relationship.

Remember that a healthy, loving relationship provides your children with a nurturing and stable environment. So, make sure you prioritize both your partnership and find common ground if you have different parenting styles.