Is It A Good Idea Or A Bad Idea To Confront The Other Woman?

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Contents

Why Women Confront The Other Woman
Real Women's Stories About Confronting The Other Woman
What Happens After Confronting The Other Woman
Takeaways About Confronting The Other Women
Comments (48+)

I work with couples each week who’ve been rocked by the effects of cheating.

Although both men and women in relationships can cheat, I most often get asked by women about whether confronting the other woman is acceptable. Some even want to know if it will help the healing process.

Sometimes this question gets asked while it’s still in the idea stage, but many times a woman has already engaged and confronted the other woman, and I hear about it after it’s happened.

There's nothing abnormal about a woman whose partner has cheated wanting to confront the other woman. In fact, it's a natural, self-protective response.

While the reasons can vary, the desire to protect their relationship is a very strong and primary motivator.

Unfortunately, many don't think long and hard enough about whether it's really a good idea.

Why Women Confront The Other Woman

Being cheated on will ignite a firestorm of insecurities in women (and in men too). Most partner’s think their spouse cheating is somehow a result of their own shortcomings – they're not good enough.

Although that’s not true, when your spouse cheats it’s easy to think you’re the reason.

These insecurities can make a woman feel the need to confront the woman her man had the affair with hoping to prove or disprove her suspicions and fears.

Generally, partners hope to answer the one, overwhelming question –

Why?

Why would he break his commitment and hurt me this way?

As a woman looks for the answer to that question, she’s often asking a number of smaller ones about the other woman.

Is she,

Prettier?
Younger?
Smarter?
Sexier?
More lovable?
What does she have that I don’t?

Or,

Is she just an @#$%&! amoral home wrecker who seduced my husband and he decided to slum it for a bit?

Real Women’s Stories About Confronting The Other Woman

Here are a few partners' stories about what led them to confronting the other woman.

Two years ago, my husband announced (at my asking what was going on with him) that he didn't think he was in love with me anymore, and that he didn't think he wanted to be married anymore. I soon discovered some emails between him and his Admin Assistant (newly separated herself) that were not conclusive, but were at least inappropriate and suggestive that there was something more than their just talking about their respective marital issues, as he claimed. Needless to say, I was devastated. I couldn't understand it – we had a beautiful marriage – not always perfect - but we had built a beautiful life together. I loved him, I wanted our marriage - but I was holding a lot of resentment and anger regarding this other woman and I wanted answers. Every time I went there, he continued to deny that anything had happened and didn't feel that he had done anything wrong and the discussion would end with his wanting to leave and his wanting a divorce etc. I began to shut down in terms of talking about my feelings etc. So I found her number and called her..." -Ashley

My husband left me and my 2 kids six months ago. He says he isn't happy and that he wants a divorce. He refuses to go to counseling because he doesn't want to fix our relationship. One night I decided to go for a drive and found his car was not parked on his street. I went to the other woman house and found his car parked around the corner. I know that you don't visit a friend at 10:15pm at night. All night I couldn't stop thinking about her, so I decided to confront her and went back the next day and knocked on her door..." -Marisa

We've had a rocky relationship, but it's not all been bad, three years ago we had our daughter, since then I haven't had a lot of time for him, to cut a long story short...I find out he had been sleeping with another woman, I confronted them, acted needy, pleading etc which was crazy now I think of it. I love this man but I'm no doormat......I do love him dearly & want to be with him only to have him tell me WE WILL NEVER BE A COUPLE, he thinks he's in love with this woman but I sense it's just a desire. He doesn't see he's done anything wrong & seems to want to punish us for things that aren't our doing, he's the one that's wronged us. This other woman doesn't have any young children or stress's like I have with a three year old. I want to confront her and tell her she's destroying our life..." -Lana

Understandably, anyone whose partner has cheated on them is going to be very angry and hurt.

Those hurt feelings need an outlet, and often what feels like the easiest, best, and most rewarding outlet is confronting the other woman.

Another reason women end up engaging the other woman is because, like Ashley, their partners won't be honest or take any responsibility for their actions, and they want answers.

Every time I went there, he continued to deny that anything had happened and didn't feel that he had done anything wrong...So I found her number and called her."

What Happens After Confronting The Other Woman

So, is confronting her a good idea?

What comes after a partner confronts the other woman?

There are several outcomes from that confrontation that I've seen with the couples I've counseled after an affair.

Among them are,

It makes things worse

It's not uncommon for the other woman to get angry and attack you. If your partner's still communicating with her, the two of them can end up conspiring against you. As unbelievable as that may sound, I've seen it happen many times.

It inflames things between you and your partner

He gets angry with you for reaching out to her. As a result, your already broken communication just gets even more difficult.

You get ignored

Often the other woman will have nothing to do with you, and so you just end up wasting your time and energy chasing someone who just avoids you (and any accountability).

You’re led on by her

She lies to you by saying she didn't know he was married. While what she says could be true, you can't trust her – so putting any value in what she tells you is a big mistake.

The bottom line about confronting the other woman is that it will get you nowhere closer to fixing your problem.

Need more reasons not to contact her?

Your issue isn't with her, it's with your partner.
You need to vent your feelings at your partner, not her. He's the one you have a relationship with, not her. And he's the one who broke it, not her.
You're doing for your partner what he needs to do – end it. He needs to tell her it's over, not you. If he isn't the one who does it, it probably won't be over.

Please think long and hard before confronting the other woman. I've never seen it fix anything. If you're still thinking that maybe it could, then re-read the 3 points above.

Takeaways About Confronting The Other Women

Although most of us can understand the desire to confront the woman who’s participated in your husband’s betrayal, doing so isn’t a good idea.

If you’re feeling tempted to confront her, please reread the advice above and remember,

Confronting her won’t fix your relationship and can make things worse.
There’s nothing she can tell you that will make anything better (and you can’t trust it anyway).
The satisfaction at expressing your anger will fade quickly and you’ll end up feeling worse than you did before.
Your biggest issue isn’t with her – it’s with your husband.

Almost nothing can threaten to end a relationship more quickly than cheating. It’s hard to put into words the anger and outrage a partner feels with that kind of betrayal.

But if your husband has cheated, think twice before confronting the other woman. Instead, put that energy and focus into your own mental health and fixing your relationship.

Editor's Note: This post was originally published April 7, 2016, updated on March 08, 2022, and has been updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.