When Does Flirting Cross The Line?

flirting-woman-crosses-the-line

6 Min Read

Contents

What Is Flirting And Why Do People Do It?
When Flirting Becomes A Problem
Is Flirting Ever Okay?
What To Take Away

Teresa’s known as a flirt. In fact, she’s rather proud of that reputation. After all, a little flirting is fun, friendly, kind of exciting, and completely harmless, right? It seemed that way until her flirting crossed the line.

Teresa’s regular flirty attitude bothered her husband Steve. And when Rick, Steve’s co-worker, thought her interest in him went beyond flirting, things blew up with Steve.

She wasn’t sure when or how, but her flirting had crossed the line and now her marriage is a mess, and Steve and Rick no longer speak to each other.

Can you relate to this story in any way?

Maybe you’ve lived it or have watched it play out in all its sad drama. Whatever the case, flirtatious behavior has a very, very fine line between being harmless and problematic, and a lot of people have a difficult time seeing the line.

What Flirting Is And Why Do People Do It

Before looking at when and how flirting crosses the line it’s important to understand what flirting is and what it isn’t.

For instance, flirting isn’t just being nice to someone. Nor is it necessarily any of the following:

Joking and teasing in a fun way.
Asking questions to get to know someone better.
Complimenting someone about something you genuinely like or admire.
Offering to help someone when your expertise or time can be of benefit.

But wait – couldn’t these actions be flirting?

Yes, they could be considered flirting under the right circumstances.

The most defining attributes of flirting are the –

Motivation
Intention
Emotional response associated with the behavior

Most people have a clear idea about what flirting is and why people do it. It’s generally considered a way to show romantic interest in someone, but some also think of it as a harmless and playful way to interact with other people.

The truth is that it can be both.

But determining which it is isn’t just up to you. The person with whom you’re flirting and the person you’re committed to are also big factors in interpreting if your behavior is flirtatious.

So, if flirting is so complicated, why do people do it?

There are a few common reasons why people flirt:

Show romantic interest and test to see if it’s reciprocated.
Increase their self-esteem.
Increase the self-esteem of another and create positive feelings.

Flirting doesn’t necessarily mean you’re unhappy in your relationship or that you’re looking for someone else. Many who are regular flirts have nothing more than innocent intentions, it’s just part of their communication style and one of the ways they relate to other people.

A flirtatious person may find the positive and interested reaction they get from others when they flirt gratifying.

From their perspective they’re creating a connection, as well as possibly giving attention to someone who may want or need it. And (or) they’re making themselves feel better by enjoying the reaction their flirting creates.

In these cases, flirting isn’t a reflection of how they feel about their partner, but rather on their feelings about themselves.

When Flirting Becomes A Problem

Determining when flirting crosses the line means understanding and being aware of several things, the biggest of which is how your partner feels about your behavior.

Your partner deserves your respect and consideration, and if your flirtatious behavior makes them feel uncomfortable or sends a message that you may be available in a romantic way, then you’ve gone too far.

It’s in this way that flirting can often feel like cheating, even if you have no intention of becoming physically or even emotionally intimate with someone else.

So, if you’re wondering if your flirting has crossed the line, ask yourself the following questions:

How does my partner honestly feel about the way I’m acting?

If you don’t know, you need to ask. Don’t assume you know the answer.

Just because they haven’t said anything doesn’t mean they aren’t bothered, feeling belittled, or insecure.

Is it possible that you’re sending the wrong signals?

In the case of Teresa, the person with whom she was flirting, Rick, assumed she was romantically interested in him even though she wasn’t.

Flirtatious behavior is subject to interpretation and just because you feel your intentions are innocent doesn’t mean they’ll be perceived that way by others.

Why are you flirting?

This is a big one.

Understanding your own behavior and the motivations behind it is crucial in determining what and how you may need to change.

Are you flirting to make your partner jealous?

Or, are you flirting because you’re unhappy in your relationship and looking for attention?

Perhaps you’re flirting because you want to feel wanted.

Maybe you consider flirting and raising someone’s interest in you something of a game you like to play.

Whatever the case, none of these reasons are healthy for you or your relationship.

Using other people for selfish purposes and hurting someone you love in the process is destructive to everyone involved.

Answering these questions will help you understand if your behavior is appropriate or if your flirting has gone too far.

You also need to consider things in a larger context.

If your relationship is being negatively affected by your flirting.
If you feel like you need to hide certain conversations.
If you’re becoming too emotionally connected to someone else.

Then you’ve crossed the line.

One of the biggest problems with flirtatious behavior is the doors it can open up for other actions, like cheating.

It’s entirely possible, even when you have no intention, for flirting to ignite a spark between two people that can lead to the development of an emotional or physical affair.

In such cases, Dr. Kurt often hears the cheating partner say things like, “It just happened.”

When asked for additional thoughts, he had this to say,

The truth is that cheating doesn't 'just happen.' People do things, often unknowingly, that make it more likely, and flirting is one of them. While you should definitely care how your partner feels about your being flirtatious, you shouldn't decide whether it's okay or not just based on what they say. I regularly hear partners say they don't care. Whether this is really true or they just don't want to be bluntly honest I'm never quite sure, but what I am sure about is that they don't truly understand the risks and negative aspects of flirting. People who are in committed relationships and still flirt are seeking external validation and acceptance. When these needs are so great that you're willing to act inappropriately, there's a problem. And it's a psychological problem involving your self-identity that's being masked as, 'just being friendly and having fun', when that's not what it really is - it's insecurity.”

Is Flirting Ever Okay?

This is a tough one, because within relationships partners often have not only different answers, but also different definitions of flirting.

To determine if any version of flirting is okay, you’ll need to talk to your partner and come to some agreements.

Among the things you should be on the same page about are,

What defines flirting?
What’s the purpose of flirting?
Are each of you okay with it?
When do you each consider flirting to have crossed the line?

When one partner has a flirty, playful personality and is used to interacting in a flirtatious manner, asking them to change their behavior can be difficult. In fact, it may actually be part of what you love about them.

But each of you owe it to the other to show respect and maintain the integrity of your relationship. Overt flirting and allowing others to think you may not be committed to your partner because of your behavior isn’t acceptable.

Anything that makes your partner uncomfortable or has the potential to compromise your relationship isn’t okay either.

So, best bet is to direct your flirtatious behavior toward your partner solely. This can reinforce the feelings of closeness between you and enhance your attraction to each other.

If you choose to flirt with others I offer this word of caution – it’s very easy for circumstances to be misread and your behavior misinterpreted by others, which can lead to big issues.

What To Take Away

As I mentioned earlier, the point at which flirting crosses the line can be extremely difficult to see. Most people have a very hard time striking the right balance and typically end up with problems on their hands at some point.

So, when it comes to flirting, keep in mind that,

Your motivations matter. If you’re attention seeking you need to consider why and resolve that driver.
Your audience matters. Most of us can tell when someone is attracted to us. If the person with whom you’re flirting seems to be responding in a romantic way, or if they’re in a vulnerable state and could easily misread your behavior, STOP.
Your partner matters. Flirting under some circumstances is a form of micro-cheating and is not only unfair, but also disrespectful and insulting to your partner.

The easiest way to ensure that your flirting never crosses the line is simply to not do it.

However, for some it’s just not that easy and they may not even want to try to stop. Be careful though, flirting poses a big threat to the health and happiness of your relationship, and so in the end it’s just not worth it.