There’s no question that discussing cheating is an emotionally charged conversation, here's what to expect.
At first, surviving infidelity isn't even imaginable. How can you survive when your life is over? How will you ever get your life back? Isn't it gone forever?
The shock, actually it's really horror, that your partner could do this to you makes surviving infidelity seem impossible. Then comes the hurt, which can be overwhelming and suffocating all at the same time. Next comes the anger. For some, these feelings are separate and distinct, but for others they come all wrapped up in one gigantic ball of pain.
Despite the unbelievable pain, surviving infidelity isn't just a possibility, it can be a reality, and some couples even learn how to thrive afterwards. I've counseled couples broken apart by a cheating spouse who were engulfed in the shock, hurt, and anger, but found their way through it, worked hard to change themselves and heal, and came out on the other side better, stronger, happier, and more in love than before. Yes, believe it or not, but this can and does happen.
How people respond and deal with infidelity makes all the difference in not just surviving, but in what the end result turns out to be. Recovering can be a long, twisted, uncertain path, for sure. Yet it can have a positive ending.
As justified as an angry, hurt, 'get even' response can be, it is still likely to push your partner further away from. When you're already torn apart by infidelity, further separation and division doesn't help your relationship survive. So do your best to strike a balance between expressing your feelings and minimizing the further damage they can cause. In recommending this I'm not trying to protect the person who did the 'wrong,' but simply suggesting ways to minimize creating even more destruction than has already occurred.
I'm just now finding out about his infidelity. He admits that its been multiple affairs N he not sure if he is in love with me or if he even can love anyone. I'm confused about everything n hurt. He is such a good stepdad to my son n use to be a great boyfriend." -Natalia
Another common response is to focus on the other person - the other woman or other man. Many partners actually direct their negative feelings about their partner at this other person because it's so much easier and safer. While this person shares responsibility, they're not the person you're in the relationship with and so ultimately they aren't really relevant. Confronting the other woman is a mistake as it takes away from the more important matter of addressing your broken relationship with your partner.
My husband and I have been having issues surviving marital infidelity for approximately 1 1/2 years. I found out he had an affair with my sister the day or day after I birthed our daughter. I did leave for a while and came back. I still have trust issues wasn't upset so much as hurt about the infidelity, but I had cheated before marriage never while married so I couldn't really be to angry. We both made mistakes is what I told myself. What I was so angry and still upsets me is he lied to me about the affair for 3 1/2 years. They both stated it only happened once, so I let it go, but then the rumors started happening again..." -Sheryl
What to do after infidelity has been disclosed is frequently a source of disagreement and conflict between partners. The offender usually wants to move on, while the hurt partner needs to work through the shock and pain. This tug-of-war between talking about it over and over for hours and hours (what the offender dreads), and never talking about it again (what the wounded partner fears), usually creates even more animosity between partners.
I am so hurt by my husband's infidelity and not sure our marriage will survive. We had gone to a counselor and every time the session was over I felt more hurt than before because of the surprise info he would finally reveal to the counselor. Whenever I asked questions on what he thought our problems were which would make him have an affair he would clam up and say he can't talk about it and I won't listen to him anyway. I have not gotten over him having an affair and although it occurred 6 years ago it still feels like yesterday for me. He gives half apologies such as I'm sorry you were hurt or that this situation got so out of hand. He apologized to the women involved for hurting them but never did he say that to me. I am still very hurt and I feel maybe we should go our separate ways but yet a part of me still feels that I should at least try for the kid's sake. I feel so depressed. I can't seem to find happiness in anything I do and it is now affecting my relationships with my children. I just want the hurt to stop." -Brittney
Having a professional counselor help mediate and navigate this difficult path is invaluable. Surviving infidelity, and ultimately recovering and being better off, requires psychological insight, guidance, and wisdom for both of you that only an experienced professional can provide.
Surviving infidelity is really, really tough, but it is possible. It requires self-control, patience, and a willingness to change and heal, which is hard - yet this is also the smartest and best thing you can do for yourself.
There’s no question that discussing cheating is an emotionally charged conversation, here's what to expect.
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My husband recently told me he isn't in love with me and hasn't been happy for years. I had a brief affair almost 3 years ago, after my brother died of a drug overdose. I since saw a professional and was diagnosed with bipolar and ptsd. My husband says he knows it wasn't me and I'm a completely different person since becoming medicated. He said something just clicked and he needed to tell me and stop lying to himself. I don't make him happy. It was out of the blue. I think he is going through a mid life crisis. Our rent want late, car got repo'd, I quit my job, our tax return was messed up beyond believe and our 3 little kids with no support don't help. I think I am the easiest thing to blame and to get rid of to make everything better. Yet, he still shows me affection, we are intimate every day, still tells me he loves me all the time, that me missed me when we're apart, and we started counceling. He said he doesn't know what he wants. He is comfortable but also doesn't know if this feeling will pass. I wasn't the best wife, had a wall up. Since he told me my wall has come down. I communicate, put his needs first, compliment him and let him know what he means to me, and show him lots of affection. He looks at me and smiles and tells me how beautiful I am and we still make eachother laugh. The affair was brief and was a one time thing, but it wasn't emotional. I was in a self destructive path and didn't care about anything. I don't know what to do. He knows how I feel and how I am so in love with him and I won't give up. I will fight for him. I think it's more than just random unhappiness. In the morning he was telling me how I am his soulmate to later in the day saying he's unhappy and thinks someone else can make him happy And he thinks he wants a divorce. But then says he wants to work on it. I really think it's a midlife crisis he's only 32 but has a lot of stress. Also, his parents got divorced when he was 16 and he says the younger the kids are the easier it'll be on them, which I don't agree with. Advice would be nice I don't have anyone that can relate and I am so confused. He flip flops constantly about what he wants
It is natural for us to be mad and upset if you are being cheated on someone you love. Surviving it is difficult as well. It takes time and of course patience.
My husband recently told me he had cheated on me all this 10yrs. He blames it on cheated on me with my bestfriend when I had his son while I was in the hospital. She denied it, but some part of me don't wanna be live it. He partially accept responsibility the order half blames it on his addiction.
My wife found out about my affairs almost a year ago. We cycled through 2 marriage counselors and I am in individual therapy now, trying to figure out why I did what I did. My wife is still angry and focusing on the woman. She asks questions about the sex I had with the women, where we met, etc. Still gets triggered. I'm getting clarity on why I did what I did, but she seemingly won't get past the act, and has little patience for the why. Help!!
Hi AJ, Infidelity is one of the most difficult things for a couple to deal with and get past. I'm glad to hear you are addressing your issues, but you wife may need more time and perhaps a counselor of her own. Have patience. Your actions hurt her deeply and she will need to figure out her own pathway for getting beyond it. -Dr. Kurt
Wife n I have been married for 22+yrs (together 25yrs). 1st 13yrs together were bliss/perfect. NO disagreements of ANY type. 12yrs ago, I called her out for numerous times, cheating on me w/ 2 of my best friends, while I served in Afghanistan (a little birdy told me upon my return home). Her reason for cheating was my lack of attention (neglect). After 2wks, I decided to honor my vows to her. So, for 24/7/365/10yrs I tried EVERYTHING possible, in EVERY UN-yielding, positive manner possible/plausible, to win her back over w/ NOTHING to show for it, other than empty promises and more lies and afew more "notches in her belt"(she has a VERY distinctive visual 'tell' when she lies). Past couple yrs Ive gradually lost all hope/love for her and have seeked attention w/ other females to possibly fill the 'void', mainly cause that's how she did/does me. Long story short, we now live at opposite ends of the house... we are basically just roommates... I occasionally "try" to attempt to salvage what's left, but after 1000's upon 1000's of disappointed attempts... I wish life would just end! (Im not suicidal... just tired of being a doormat/fool to the only person that has EVER mattered to me).