There’s no question that discussing cheating is an emotionally charged conversation, here's what to expect.
We're all capable of making excuses, covering up, and even lying about our behavior. It happens for reasons that are both big and small. For some, however, it can seem to be a regular occurrence. And when the lying and covering up is about really bad, hurtful choices that have been made this response in particular can destroy a relationship. So when we have a partner cheating and doing this, especially if it’s happened more than once, it's easy to wonder . . . do all men cheat and lie?
The answer is, no, not all men cheat and lie, nor is it just men who cheat. Women cheat, too. In fact, most men and women who cheat are not the stereotypical despicable, selfish, low-life jerks commonly portrayed in the media. Most people who cheat are just like you and me -- pretty good people who make a bad choice. So in dealing with men who cheat and lie, it can be very helpful to better understand why men cheat.
Let's take a look at the following post I wrote on social media about making excuses for cheating.
I work with couples dealing with cheating quite a bit. Although every circumstance is somewhat different, there are many commonalities. Here's a not so uncommon story about a partner cheating and how it can happen. See if you think this guy fits the belief that all men cheat and lie.
Rico and Elise have a rocky, contentious relationship. They can describe times when they really enjoy being together, and then other times when they can't stand each other and think about getting divorced. A regular part of their relationship is fighting. Since Rico travels a lot for work, when they fight it can be pretty easy for them to avoid each other for days afterward.
Recently they were fighting over something to do with Rico's involvement with his first wife (they have child and financial connections still). This fight happened to begin on a day he was leaving town, so the fight continued in the car on the way to the airport. When Elise dropped him off at the airport, there was no kiss good-bye, no “"I'll talk to you tonight," just silence as they both looked forward to the relief of getting away from each other.
On the trip Rico met someone in a hotel bar. She was someone else traveling for work, unhappy in her relationship, feeling lonely and looking for some positive attention too, and they hit it off. One thing led to another and they ended up sleeping together.
Did Rico set out on his trip looking to cheat on and then lie to Elise? No. Did it happen and is he still responsible for his behavior? Yes.
Rico didn't do a very good job covering his tracks and Elise discovered text messages from the other woman within two weeks. When she confronted him, he denied it, lied about who she was and what had happened, but after a week of this he eventually admitted he'd cheated. But in between his denial and admission was a long series of lies and excuses.
Rico and Elise were already having problems. Their communication was poor and they had grown apart. Although not an excuse, for these reasons it was easier for Rico to make a very bad choice. That choice and the way he handled disclosing it (or not disclosing it) has put Rico and Elise’s marriage on the verge of divorce. So, in an effort to see if they could salvage their relationship, they chose to try counseling.
Elise asked me in a marriage counseling session the next week, why would Rico lie, and do all men cheat and lie? I told her that unfortunately almost everyone lies about cheating at first.
None of us wants to admit we did something wrong or bad, so it's a natural self-protection response for us all to have our first response not be truthful. As I wrote in the social media post above, "Our minds can rationalize and justify anything. So it's not surprising that I hear men (and women) give lots of excuses for cheating . . . You don't love me . . . we never have sex . . . you hurt me . . . you don't respect me . . . I feel alone." For Rico it was, "I thought we were finished and getting a divorce."
But none of these reasons, or excuses, gives us permission to cheat. Do all men cheat and lie? No, not all men cheat, but those who do will almost always lie about it at first. Many actually question if they should ever tell their wives they cheated at all. Unfortunately, the longer the lie goes on the easier it is to fool yourself into thinking your cheating didn’t hurt anyone, which sadly leads to a higher likelihood they will cheat again. No harm no foul, right?
Cheating is not okay, nor is lying about it, but lying is a pretty typical human response when we do something we know is wrong. After all, we're all capable of acting like we're 8-years-old sometimes. The hope, however, is that we remember the lessons we were taught at 8 – don’t lie, you will always, eventually, get caught.
Please do not leave this post thinking I'm saying cheating is okay, because it's not. However, knowing whether all men cheat and lie, and understanding some of the reasons why many do can help you have a better response to the shock and hurt of being cheated on. This post is about understanding cheating men and their behavior, not accepting their cheating.
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Editor's Note: This post was originally published April 14, 2015 and has been updated with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
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It seems men stay and cheat because they are selfish. They are only faithful to debase desires, they believe they are so desirable to get whate very they want. These type if men lack empathy and attachment disorders. They could choose to control their impulses but are to warped to try, even become violent if you suggest they try. We gotta face these types are as shoes and deal with the responsibility of our lives or take their crap
That's spoton SLIM JIM. However much we love our women, time comes when you want a little bit of variety once in a while. Ladies i'm sorry but that's in our DNA and it takes a lot of guts to fight it.
I need some advice.. My husband has been texting constantly for the past 6 months and always is hiding his phone, he never leaves it around the house anymore, it's always with him and has his finger print password on it. Everytime I would walk near him he puts his phone fast in his pocket. Whenever I would go near him he moves away from me.. After being married for 15 years and together for 3 years. Everytime I bring it up to him he claims it's nothing and we get in arguments every single night because that's all he does is text and hide the phone and make up excuses. I finally told him I have had enough and he said he would break things off with her.. I asked him a day later if he broke it off and he said he has to let her down easy. (must be a real serious relationship with her then.) He told me he "loves" me but isn't "in love" with me, also he has been sneaking out of the house lately at midnight. And the other night I caught him with the woman he has been cheating on me with. The other night he was texting he wouldn't show me he locked/locks himself in rooms so he can delete them. That same night (a few days ago) I had enough and i kicked him out. tonight we talked on the phone. I feel bad for kicking him out and he has no where to go. Also when I talked to him on the phone he told me he wants to work things out and he will stop the texting and I asked him when he is coming back home just to see what saying he would like to work things out but he doesn't want to go to marriage counseling and he said he will come home in a few days (he texts more than my 13 year old daughter..) I just don't know what to do I do want to work things out but I just don't know what to do because my daughter told me he may be done texting her for a day but it might continue but he could change her name to a different name. Also before he told me he was sneaking out to meet up with this guy he works with. I did some asking around and there is no one he works with named the name he told me. So it must be this woman. Please someone give me advice I am not sure what to do anymore and I am tired of being upset with him and I have cried in front of him and told him how I feel and he does not care. He hasn't even apologized for anything he has caused.
Help, I've seen many couples overcome infidelity, but both partners have to put in the time to make it work. You can't make him change his behavior, but you can change your reaction to it and decide what you're willing to accept in your relationship and what you're not. - Dr. Kurt
After 22 yrs of marriage my husband suddenly changed. Started staring down young girls undressing them with his eyes in front of me hundreds of times in front of me like I wasn't there then would say he wasn't and that I was seeing things. Since then he has been out of control with hurting and disrespecting me and tons of psychological and emotional abuse. Holding back money from me seeing I don't work and he's my sole support. He is mean, cruel, spiteful and extremely hurtful with his fowl words and actions. This has now been going on for 7 yrs and he has shown every single sign of a man cheating including scratches down his back. He is very secretive and always seems like he's hiding something. He keeps his wallet phone and everything else very close to him so I can't touch it, won't let me in his car etc. He swears he has never cheated. My question is if he is going through a midlife crisis or if this is just the new him, by all his strange behavior and cheating signs do you think there's any way he's not cheating because my gut intuition is telling me very different. We are now a couple of weeks away from our 29th anniversary and I'm ready to end all the hurt and pain he is causing me and my 3 children. I want to know if I'm making the right decision if I divorce him because I have done everything possible and spent thousands of dollars trying to save this marriage and nothing with him is changing. Please I am in need of advice as to what to do desperately. -Donna
Donna, Divorce is such a big, life altering decision that only you should make it. There is a breaking point for everyone of how long they will wait around for change, but that again is an individual and different choice for each person. -Dr. Kurt
Hi, I've been married only 2 months and found out my husband had been messaging an escort, I found the messages on the mac as it connected to his iPhone. I was so devastated. in the messages he was asking for his deposit back as apparently she did not turn up but he's saying he only pretended he went and didn't really go because he felt bad for me. He said he was bored and porn was the cause of this. He keeps telling me he didn't go but the intention is still cheating.
I don't know if he's really innocent.
He really does act like he loves me we have no other issues at all.