Do people have Regrets After A Midlife Crisis? Yes, many.
Part 1 of 2
Midlife crisis -- what's it really look like? We've all heard the jokes about the middle-aged man who wakes up one day and suddenly decides to radically change his life by quitting his job, buying a red sports car, and finding a new, younger wife. Or the woman who decides that she needs plastic surgery to recapture her youth, starts an affair with her yoga instructor, or begins to dress like a teenager.
Is that what a midlife crisis really looks like? Or are those exaggerated stereotypes? The truth is that a midlife crisis can look different for everyone, and not everyone goes through one. Although most people do go through a period of reflection during their middle years, that doesn’t mean it has to be an all out crisis.
So what are the real facts about midlife crisis and what's fiction? In particular, what does a midlife crisis in men most often look like? While both men and women can experience a midlife crisis, men experience them at a higher rate. For that reason we’ll take a look at some of the common characteristics of a man experiencing a midlife crisis.
Here are some descriptions of midlife crisis by a few experts:
Unfortunately, a midlife crisis can bring on a number of other issues as well. In particular, during a midlife crisis people need to be aware of symptoms in men of serious depression, such as:
Do you know a man in midlife crisis? It can be hard to tell sometimes. Often the thoughts and feelings that lead up to one quietly and slowly accumulate over time until a man is at the point of radical behavior changes because he’s feeling in crisis and doesn’t know what else to do. Sadly, the behaviors choices stemming from a midlife crisis are almost always destructive and usually lead to regrets later on.
Nevertheless, if a man you care about is experiencing a midlife crisis understand that he will most likely deny it and won’t want to talk about anything surrounding it. So you can’t take a direct approach in telling him what he’s doing wrong. You’re also most likely too close to him for him to be able to listen and believe what you're telling him is true. It’s important that you recognize your limitations because of your role in his life.
Men experiencing a midlife crisis are completely certain that the life-altering changes they’re making are necessary in order for them to be happy. This is a very selfish state, where their concern is self-focused and family and friends can become collateral damage. If this is the case then it’s a good time to get some expert guidance on how to help him. A good portion of my work in counseling men is in supporting their partners through such situations. Finding a counseling men expert to help you with midlife crisis in your man can be invaluable.
If you believe that you or someone you love is experiencing a midlife crisis you’ll need to practice a lot of patience. Midlife crises don’t resolve quickly. But with patience, understanding, love, and potentially the help of an experienced counselor they can be survived. And it’s possible for life on the other side of the crisis to be a good one.
This is the first article of two defining midlife crisis. Here's the second one: What Triggers A Midlife Crisis? Sign-up for our blog below and be sure not to miss our next article.
Source: WebMD - Midlife Crisis: Transition or Depression?
Editor's Note: This post was originally published June 27, 2010. It has been updated for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Do people have Regrets After A Midlife Crisis? Yes, many.
One of the hardest parts of a midlife crisis is being the partner of the man in one.
Think a man in your life it going through a mid-life crisis? Learn the signs here.
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Hi lana
I know exactly how this feels as I am currently going through the same thing. I am not sure if he is having an affair or not but does talk to someone else at work who has been divorced in 2015. The worse things in my case is that he has moved out since mid October last year. Says he wants a divorce however not sure if he has seen a lawyer. He also still buys gifts for me on special occasions like my bday , mothers day etc. It's been almost 8 months of this nightmare. And almost a year since problems starte after I approached him. He lost weight, goes to gym often changed the way he dresses and now very brand conscious. My hubby will deliberately talk so nicely to our friends if he sees them cos he has closed himself off from mingling with them. I am so confused and it is hurting our 3 girls that they are seeing a therapist. Wanted to find out how r u guys now doing ?.
We've been married for 35 years. I believed our relationship was a great one for the most part - 20 years after friends still joked that we will always be like newlyweds - and if felt just perfect.About 9 years ago, after the death of one of his close friends he seemed to have gone through middle age crisis even though he was only 37. THings changed drastically, our marriage seemed to suddenly have been a mistake for him, he had no memories of good times, he ended up having an affair and seemed ready to leave home, double standards were the norm. If we made the exact same mistake, he would laugh and joke about his like it was nothing but mine would be the reason for 3r world war. Somehow we made it through the whole storm and things got better until two years ago when again he got into a sort of emotional affair with someone in the internet that lived in Serbia. They never met and it was all trough chats and email but it was easy to figure out something was wrong and I called him on it after he had been chatting on my tablet and forgot to close the chat window. He seemed quite sorry that he was hurting me and actually agreed to go to counseling. Things got better again, the counsellor was certain of his commitment and feelings in the marriage, we went through great 7 months, communication became center stage, he would show his love for me sometimes even in a way that left me a bit worried because it was in extremes, like I was super perfect - I'm only human - could do no wrong, he seemed scared of loosing me and started having nightmares and anxiety attacks. It didn't seem normal, it seemed overboard, but hey it certainly felt different being adored in such way ... just not exactly normal.During that time his father got sick and passed away almost a year of this honey moon kind of time. Suddenly everything turned around again. He surprised the heck out of the counsellor by suddenly not being sure if it was worth to work in our - perfect according to him just days earlier - relationship, he suddenly started distancing himself from me and asking for my support at alternate times, things were really bad soon in a roller coaster of everything is fine or terrible depending on the day. I worried that he was depressed because of his father's death, and so did his doctor, but he never admited and fought each time we touched the subject. He turned to porn, waking up at 2 am to go to the computer watch it, became more isolated even showing no interest in any social activities,and feeling like he his the victim and we're all -specially me - being the obstacles to his happiness. He is irritated easily, verbally abusive to me, always ready to find any faults that he can point out to me, and blaming me for everything from the microscopic dog fur in the sofa to his bad day at work, refusing to eat because it's too early or too late, telling me we're - me and the kids - are abusing of his kindness and him. Being the only one with a driver's license he always took us when we needed /went grocery shopping with me/picked up the kids sometimes when they needed,now suddenly he decided he didnt want to do it because we treated him like he was a taxi driver - even though we all actually hardly ask him to pick us up or take us somewhere and he is fine giving rides to friends for no special reason. SUddenly my husband feels like a stone. No response,no compassion, no respect. He'll talk to me if its general stuff but will close up if it's relationship related.Says he doesn't know what to do, but is more and more distant each day.There is no other women at the moment, but things keep getting worse and worse. I know he's worried about his sexual capabilities as he was having some small problems before that seemed to intensify after he started watching porn as much as 6 hours per day. I have decided to let him know I'm here if he needs me or my support but started to withdaw a bit myslef because it's hard to go through each day not knowing what is happening, afraid to say something, or not talk at all, to do something or not it's like I'm tiptoeing each day scared of everything I say or do.SOmetimes things seem to be better for a few days and then suddenly down again. It's frustrating and difficult to figure out what's the best way to deal with all this. But my main question is: can people go throug mid-life crisis more than once? because it sure looks like 9 years ago allover again.
Ana, A MLC can be triggered by a number of events. It's possible he is having another, but without knowing him I can't say for sure. It's good you're already in counseling, and the counselor should be able to help guide you through this. -Kurt
I'm going through something I never thought I would. We started out 12 years and 10 of which we are married. From the start battled the ex on his side and their two kids. Mine had respect or they were forced to. His kids got influenced by their mom which they seem to hate me as their mom did. His family Kept me and my two girls at arms length..in most cases you feel something its usually pretty accurate. Odds against us.. the battles started at us. We fought and it just got where we added more to the problems. In 2013 he cheated..don't know the whole story but he did email chat this chic from his job. I confronted him he seem to have remores. I did everything in power to let it go. Went to counseling with him. Looked him in the face I said it's a deal breaker if you actually was with her..he Kept his story that they just chatted and he was so sorry. We fought I brought it up in fights I know is was wrong but I can't say he ever made me feel I was IT. My issues I'm sure but I couldn't trust him and I couldn't before the chatting cheating. I tried he tried. We fought . I found off and on chats in his phone to others and they were at odd hours and stuff so I go back to the insecurities. 2017 i had odd texts coming in my phone from a chic he spent four hours on texting trying to find out who she was. Just rolled out of our bed and gave a stranger four hours. In a text he said what you want to do? That was about the bad of it but it was enough. It's not insecurities its what I felt is true. He shouldn't of gave her the second text. He got in the truck with me and never planned on telling me which just made it worse. Between the kids Financial issues and the ex and the cheating as I call it i just shut down. I stop going out to eat with him Because I felt it was always about everyone around me and not me. Pretty much stopped everything..in return he just went out and got us food and ran around and I stayed in my black hole. It got where I fussed I cried because i hated this life but I wasn't man enough to step up and go. Our fights turned abusive and name called me every name you could think of..so at this point I really just walked around numb. Our anniversary was March 19th. He came and gave flowers and card that said 10 years I love you. 7 days later more fighting he goes and flies. After that day he cut me off emotionally. We stayed in the house together. He slept in bed with me as normal and showered and came out naked like nothing happened. He went and got me food ..cooked for me everything as normal but didn't come close to me. We got into another fight after he filed because he was hiding money and I confronted him and he went off. I got a restraining order at this point I didn't need abuse ..he was no longer entitled. He said if I got a restraining order he would make me pay but I couldn't think of him at this point he hasn't been thinking of me. I had two weeks without him near me and could reflect on why he could file and shut me out in 7 days. Looked back on phone bill it showed a lot of chat with chics and more at times he should be and calls to lawyers for couple months which he threatened me with divorce every fight so I never knew his plan. But looks like he Couldn't file until 7 days after our anniversary. I think the fighting was bad but I felt he was always wishing he was single by chatting and wanting attention. He talk to his family about us so they kept the resentment for me. He has been gone for 3 weeks and no contact. I love him sounds crazy I know and miss him but no sign he even looked back. We are negotiating now and it hurts so bad. It's like 12 years gone and all he has to say Is get your stuff and get out. He is chatting others but i don't know the extent. He acts like he is in a hurry to get on with his life. Might be the ex is coming back and how glorious would that be after she spent all them years trying to destroy us and make her kids hate. Be awesome for her. I know it's about attention and all but is there anything i can hold onto here or am I kidding myself. I begged him in church he refused. It's as if his mind is set in 7 days..which I seen him trying to run somewhat before this but couldn't go. Is he going through a mid life ..I just want a sign what is going on with him but nothing. I pray and don't know the end results but it hurts now. Divorce will take a few months. I will probably be staying in the house so I'm sure we will encounter I just don't want to say anything at this point that will make me feel anymore like I felt before he left. He left making me feel I was disgusting. Any insight on my marriage we would be greatly appreciated. Thanks t.