Why Many Men Have A Sex-Life Crisis

man-is-having-sex-life-crisis

6 Min Read

Contents

Can Unhappiness With Sex Really Trigger A Midlife Crisis?
There’s A Lot More To It Than Just Sex
How To Respond To A Sex-Life Crisis
What To Take Away

It’s pretty well known that sex is important to most men. But is it so important that it could cause a sex-life crisis?

Have you ever even heard of a sex-life crisis?

No?

Well, it’s not a common term. However, the idea that unhappiness with your sex life could lead to some kind of crisis, especially for a man, isn’t that hard to imagine. Particularly for female partners who’ve heard the complaints from their man about not having enough sex.

At Guy Stuff a very question we get frequently asked is – “What causes a midlife crisis?”

The answer is a number of things do and we’ve written about them in other articles on midlife crisis that you can read here.

So, is it possible to have a sexual midlife crisis?

Yes, for sure.

This is especially true for men. Keep on reading to learn the deeper reasons why.

Can Unhappiness With Sex Really Trigger A Midlife Crisis?

Again, yes.

A midlife crisis is a response to being unhappy. And I can tell you from counseling men for more than 21 years that a lot of men are unhappy with their sex lives.

Here’s an example –

My husband has been complaining for a year plus about our sex life. He says it has dropped off from the hot and heavy sex we had before we married. I didn't think so but his dissatisfaction is real, so I thought about it a lot. He gave me some books to help things along and I've recently stepped up my game. He is still dissatisfied and now believes that the reason for the lackluster sex life (we have great sex 3-4 times a week) is that I'm not attracted to his body so he wants to have plastic surgery on his stomach and chest. I'm now convinced he's depressed and needs professional help. Although he has gotten help before, I don't think he will in this instance because he believes I am at fault. I don't know how to approach him.” -Lani

Lani may very well be right that her husband is depressed. But it’s very possible that it’s even more than that.

His desire for plastic surgery is an indication that a midlife crisis could be occurring as well. Both being depressed and having a midlife crisis can happen at the same time,

Sex is really important to a lot of men. And this is something that’s hard for many women to fully understand.

Most women LIKE sex and WANT to have sex (despite what many of you guys think). However, they don’t NEED sex.

And a lot of guys have made sex something they NEED.

Men can depend on sex for a number of things. Here are a few of the most common –

Pleasure
Stress relief
Feel Attractive
Feel Valued
Feel Loved

The last 3 feed their self-identity. They shouldn’t, but they do. This is how and why sex becomes a NEED.

When a core human need, such as oxygen, is not available, we can all panic.

Unfortunately, because sex has been turned into a need by many men, when they don’t have it, or have it to their level of satisfaction, it can trigger a sex-life crisis (or more accurately a sexual midlife crisis).

There’s A Lot More To It Than Just Sex

As you can see from above, sex is not just about sex.

Sure, sex is about –

Pleasure
Intimacy
Expressing love

But it can also be used for much, much more.

Assess the state of the relationship. Partners will wonder, ‘Does she/he love me?’ Then tell themselves, ‘Since she’ll/he’ll have sex with me, she/he must.’ Sex is not a reliable gauge to determine the love in a relationship. I’ve counseled couples who are out of love and getting a divorce, but still having sex. Yet many people use sex to measure the state of love in their relationship.
Mood management. Guys in particular use sex as an anti-depressant and anti-anxiety drug. They use the brain chemical high that comes with sex to make their negative emotions go away (temporarily anyway).
Feed self-identity. ‘I must be still attractive if she’ll have sex with me.’ ‘I don’t like my weight, but he still wants sex so it must not be as bad as I think.’

Because sex gets used for these things it certainly can cause a sex-life crisis when people (especially men) don’t get it or it doesn’t meet their expectations.

My husband of 38 years told me in Jan that he wants to be free to be himself, be independent and have a satisfying sex life. He is not sure if he wants this with me. Says he loves me and is attentive but not sure if there can be an us, a relationship with me. I have given him deadlines to stay or leave but he never makes a decision. He says he is attracted to other women and he is not subtle about looking at other women in my presence. We have always had issues with our sex life. After my breast cancer and mastectomies sex stopped about 10 years ago. We are 66. I love him and cannot imagine life without him and want to restart our relationship if possible.” -Trish

Trish’s husband shows the importance we can place on sex and the influence it can have on us – even at an older age. He’s 66-years-old and is ready to blow up his marriage so he can find “a satisfying sex life.”

Is he really just wanting to have more sex? Or to put it more bluntly, more orgasms?

Maybe.

But I’d bet his desire for a better sex life is most driven by a need to feel good about himself. And when he feels good about himself, he feels happy (just like all of us).

Trish doesn’t know it, and her husband doesn’t either, but he’s having a sex-life crisis.

How To Respond To A Sex-Life Crisis

How do you fix a sex-life crisis?

Simple. More sex, right?

Wrong.

Using more sex to fix a sex-life crisis is like putting a band-aid on a broken arm. It doesn’t address the true problem.

Based on what I’ve written above, does the reason a man has a sex-life crisis look like it’s only about sex?

Or, could it be something else?

I hope you can now see the true problem is something else, yet obviously sex is still part of the solution.

It’s crucial to recognize that it’s more than just sex, it’s actually a midlife crisis. More accurately, a sexual midlife crisis.

A midlife crisis is both simple and complex.

It’s simple in that at its core it’s about unhappiness.
It’s complex because there can be a number of things fueling the unhappiness, and the ways people go about changing how they feel can be multi-faceted, very destructive, and each one complex in and of themselves.

Because of this complexity your response cannot be too simple.

It can’t be something like this –

Fine, we’ll have more sex. So, can you now get over it and start helping me run this house again?”

Most partners of men having a sex-life crisis are understandably frustrated (and many times really angry). Often, they just don’t get why he makes sex sooo important. And then frequently he’s hurt them by the ways he’s tried to fix his unhappiness (Porn, following Instagram models, dating sites, cheating, etc.).

Here are a couple of beginning steps you can take –

Manage your feelings and don’t come on too strong. If you do, you’ll just drive him further away.
Drop hints at different times, in different ways, and over a period of a couple of weeks or months about how what’s really going on with him may be about more than just sex.
Most important of all, don’t try to fix it with more sex. It won’t work. It may look like it will in the beginning, but that won’t last because it’s not the real problem. There will be a time later on to improve your sex life, but it needs to be done in the right order.

These won’t fix it. It’s much more complicated than this, but they give you the best way to start and hopefully will make your efforts to help him more effective.

What To Take Away

A sex-life crisis is about a lot more than it looks like at first. If you think someone you love might be having one, keep the following in mind –

Sex can cause a midlife crisis.
Sex impacts overall happiness for many people, and not just men.
Sex is often used for more than just physical intimacy and orgasm.
What other needs might be driving the desire for sex?
A sex-life crisis isn’t fixed with more sex.

Finally, most men don’t get over a sexual midlife crisis with just time. Like a traditional midlife crisis, a sex-life crisis is too complicated to just drift away. To actually resolve either one requires identifying the deeper causes and addressing them. This process almost always requires an experienced counselor who can help with these hidden psychological pieces.

Think your partner is having a sex-life crisis? Please share what that’s been like for you.