How Porn Hurts Your Partner

    partner-hurt-when-she-finds-porn.jpgPart 3 of 3

    One of the things guys don't think about is how looking at porn affects their partners. It's very easy to think that porn is harmless and doesn't hurt anyone, but neither is true. The truth is porn hurts your partner - whether or not they admit or even know it.

    A lot of men ask me how can porn hurt her when it has nothing to do with her? That's a good question. First, most women don't believe it doesn't have anything to do with them (as we'll see below). Second, as I wrote about in the last article about how porn can be bad for you, porn changes us and those changes affect our partner too. Lastly, it causes us to act in ways that are not loving.

    DON’T KNOW HOW TO STOP WATCHING PORN. CLICK HERE TO FIND OUT

    I think the best way to understand the effect porn has and how it hurts our partners is to hear them tell us in their own words. Below are quotes from real women describing how their guy looking at porn has hurt them.

    Porn Makes Partners Angry & Hurt

    I'm so mad, hurt, upset, feeling unappreciated and so many others. Every time I look at him I have flashbacks of it and the way he told me he was watching porn and it makes me sick to my stomach." -Janie
    My wife recently caught me watching porn (again), and is naturally very upset, especially because we had more than one conversation in the recent past about how awful porn is (which position I do believe, despite this event) and I said I would not do it again. Now, she feels hurt, betrayed, and heartbroken." -Scott

    FALLING OUT OF LOVE? FIND OUT WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT

    Often partners are hurt by porn because of the deception surrounding it. Almost always porn is watched in secrecy. When men are caught we almost always deny and lie about it. If we do admit it, then we promise never to do it again, but most often don't keep that promise. Typically this becomes a repetitive pattern of promise breaking and lying, which fuels the hurt and anger of partners even more.

    Porn Makes Women Feel Unattractive, Inadequate & Not Good Enough

    I am hurting so bad. Every few months things would get me down, hardly having sex, him never climaxing from sex, always me making the first move. I have always known he watches porn, I am open minded and did not mind. Once I saw some emails from chat sites, I was really hurt, when I asked he said they were from years ago and dint even know the passwords, he was upset and I believed him, now I'm not so sure. This is because 7 or 8 months later I have realized and found out that he is making up excuses all the time not too have sex, then the minute I'm out the door puts porn on, so basically he is rejecting me and SAVING himself for porn.... Once I let myself acknowledge this it has killed me inside. I want to leave so bad. I feel so ugly, and worthless. All my happiness and hope that I have had (first time in a lot of years) it has all gone! My feelings have took me by surprise, I wasn't aware I would feel so devastated, and feel so negative towards him." -Holly
    I've looked at the pictures he had been looking at and I start to think I'm not good enough or that he fantasizes about being with these young, pretty girls that have something my partner wants but I don't have. I have low self esteem so it's hard for me to think of my partner looking at pictures of other girls. I think that sometimes the reason why he doesn't want to have sex with me when I try and come onto him is because he's already sorted himself out by looking at these photos of young, pretty women. Then I feel like he would prefer to "sort himself out" by imagining different scenarios that involve these girls he's been looking at rather than having me right in front of him? I can't always help it sometimes, as I was treated badly in the past by ex partners who all led me to believe I was never good enough, pretty enough, special enough for anyone, and I still have that little bit of doubt in my head that I'm not quite good enough." -Tanya

    MEET OTHERS IN YOUR SAME SHOES. FIND OUT WHEN THEY DID

    I've learned that it's hard for men to really truly understand the pressure our culture puts on women about their appearance. Every one of us has insecurities about how we look, and this is especially true for women. Unfortunately, porn just multiplies these self-doubts as partners compare themselves to the 'perfect' images in porn. This consequence is one of the biggest reasons porn hurts partners so much.

    Porn Makes Partners Feel Rejected, Disrespected & Unloved

    I am worried he does not love me, that he looks at porn on his phone, that he desires other women, that he lusts after them and I am just a fill in for his physical needs as who knows where his mind is. I have been patient in hard times but I am very jealous and insecure about what he may do when he is at work or outside smoking while on his phone for 20 minutes at a time. It upsets me, I feel dirty and lost to think he wants others. My anxiety goes through the roof and my heart hurts. I can't seem to let this go and I am tortured daily." -Jo
    I just don't understand what it is he doesn't get when I say that I feel deeply hurt when he finds the need to watch porn than to engage sex with me." -Sonia
    He has always had a thing for porn, and I'm ok with it to a point. But for the past couple of years he has spent more and more time with it. He especially enjoys the cam sites, he enjoys them so much that he had forgotten my last birthday 3 days past but had spent all those days on the cam site. I was hurt but then again I have grown to just expect it from him. I have tried to be involved with him as far as the porn goes, but he didn't seem to get enjoyment from me watching it with him. Our sex life is good it was great in the beginning, but after awhile it has got me feeling self conscious and I know that it has to show." -Natasha

    None of the men I've counseled about porn addiction have intended to reject, disrespect, or not love their partners. But regardless of their intent, this is one of the common affects of porn and is why it hurts partners.

    This is the last of a 3-part series about looking at porn's impact. I hope you can now begin to see how porn hurts partners. Be sure to learn more by reading the first 2 articles that give help for a porn addiction and looks at is porn bad for the guys who view it. As impactful as these real-life stories can be, reading them is almost never enough to get someone to stop -- the pull if porn is just too powerful to overcome that easily. However, I hope this series can begin to change at least how you think about it.

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