What Do You Think – Is Porn Virtual Cheating?

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Contents

Important Cheating Definitions & Cultural Influences
Virtual vs. Real
When Do You Cross The Line?
What To Take Away

Two of the more contentious topics we discuss on this website are porn and cheating. And when you combine those two the divisiveness amplifies exponentially. So, the question, “Is Porn Virtual Cheating?”, is bound to generate strong opinions on both sides.

I predict that a lot of women will say, “Of course it is!”

And most guys will say, “No, it’s not!”

The guys will add, “The fact that porn is virtual just proves that it’s not real and so it can’t be
cheating.”

The women will likely counter, “It doesn’t matter whether it’s not real or virtual. You’re still thinking you’re having sex with someone else.”

Is this another Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus argument?

Possibly.

But it is true that in your mind you’re having sex with someone else in both situations.

Come on, guys, that’s one of the biggest appeals of porn. You get to fantasize about other women, including having sex with them.

And despite how we can think that’s normal, because for many of us it has been regular thing
we’ve done since puberty, most female partners see it differently. And they’re impacted by our
actions regardless of whether we can see it or not.

Here’s an example of how porn can get viewed as virtual cheating –

I'm so hurt, and he tells me he isn't watching porn but it's on his phone. He forgot to erase it. I feel he is cheating, and did I tell you we haven't had sex in 8 months. I don't know what to do.” - Yvonne

Yes, most men and women view porn differently. However, despite that difference it's still
possible to respect each other’s viewpoints and feelings.

Important Cheating Definitions & Cultural Influences

Before we can really get into exploring the question of whether or not porn is virtual cheating, we need to first discuss some key definitions and recognize how our culture influences us.

Pretty much everybody can agree that cheating on your partner is wrong.

However, as a professional counselor who has conversations every day with people on this
subject, I can tell you that the definition of cheating is very subjective.

I don’t believe it should be, but it is.

Sadly, our society has promoted the false belief that everyone has their own truth. As opposed to the reality that there is one truth, with people having different perceptions and experiences of it.

So, what's your definition of cheating?

My opinion is that cheating means giving to someone or something else what should be exclusive to your partner. This includes sexual relations, intimate thoughts and feelings, and romantic interest.

The most common point of agreement for people on what’s cheating is on the subject of sex.

Most people agree that when a person is in a committed relationship, they shouldn’t be having
sex with anyone else.

Yet even this can be debated and exceptions argued.

Is only intercourse is really cheating?
Does all sexual contact cross the line?
If it’s physical contact but not sexual, is that okay?

What about,

Complicating things even further is the increasing practice of open marriages.

As you can see, it can get complicated quickly.

It’s vital that couples discuss how they think and feel about these different variations of cheating and where they’ll set the line in their relationship. Unfortunately, most partners don’t talk about this until one of them has crossed the line (sometimes an unknown one).

Virtual vs. Real

Asking the question, is porn virtual cheating, necessitates first answering the question, is
something virtual real?

Years ago, the concept of a virtual reality meant something that was clearly artificial. But as the lines between real and artificial blur more and more, that’s changing.

Is something virtual real?

In the past we might have said, no. Today that’s no longer the case.

Think for a minute of all the common things we do today that are virtual.

Online shopping
Online banking
Virtual meetings
Digital music
Cloud storage
Digital currency

Those are real things for all of us, right?

So, virtual can be real.

But is the idea that porn is virtual cheating an exception?

A lot of guys will argue that it is. Porn isn’t real, so it shouldn’t be considered cheating.

But does the fact that it’s virtual really matter to their partners?

I can tell you having talked to female partners about their guys looking at porn for more than 20 years that most of them say it doesn’t matter whether it’s virtual or not.

Here’s another real-life example –

My husband is a porn fanatic and I’m against it. He does it behind my back and when I find out he gets very angry and hateful. I feel that he is virtual cheating on me with porn. I feel that he wants something different. I feel unappreciated. I feel like he doesn't love me or when we have sex he's thinking of someone else. He's never physically cheated, but I think it could lead to it soon.” - Renee

Most porn today is accessed virtually. But as Renee’s experience shows, it’s impact on both
women and men certainly is not.

Another way porn today is not the porn of yesterday is how fantasy driven it’s gotten. I believe this plays a big part in why so many women see porn as virtual cheating. Long gone are the days of still pictures of a partially naked woman.

Today’s porn offers,

Browse by interest (Like blondes? Ever thought about a threesome? Curious about…? It’s all there for you to scan and view)
POV porn (Filmed like the person is having sex with you)
Create your own porn (Got a fantasy? You can now design your own porn movie)

I’ve heard female partners cite each one of these as reasons why it hurts them so much and, why in their minds, porn is virtual cheating.

When Do You Cross The Line?

The line between what’s acceptable and what’s not is something each couple needs to decide for themselves.

Sadly, most couples don’t have this discussion until after the line has been crossed.

Additionally, some people can be naïve and uninformed about the negative effects of porn. And this isn’t just men. Many women today say they’re okay with it (or at least they try to be).

But I’ve found that most of them really don’t understand what they’re agreeing to.

So, becoming better informed by reading articles like this one and the others on this site about porn and how porn can become an addiction, as well as having open, honest, and respectful conversation with your partner about porn, is crucial for relationship health and success.

What happens when you don’t talk about it?

Here’s an example –

Me and my fiancé have been together 4 years. We have been living together for 2 years, about 5 months ago I found porn on his phone. We are very sexually active. I told him how it made me feel, like I wasn't good enough and it felt like he was cheating on me. He promised he would never do it again. I just started trusting him again and I found porn once again. I was very mad, hurt and felt betrayed. Knowing that he would risk hurting me again just to watch it. When I asked him about it and showed it to him he lied to me, but he finally broke and told me the truth. I told him if I ever find it again our wedding was canceled and I was going to leave him. I don't trust him at all now. How can I trust him again? How can I ever believe him? How can I keep myself from doing something to hurt him like he did me? Am I right to think that porn is virtual cheating?” - Layla

As Layla’s story shows, for many women the lying and deception can be even worse than the porn.

And for some women the cheating line is more than just about porn. It can include,

Do you know where the line is in your relationship so your partner feels loved and respected by
you?

If you don’t, then you need to have a conversation about it. If you don’t, the conversation you’ll have after you cross it will be much, much worse.

Trust me, I know. I’m the guy who helps couples try to save their relationship after that line’s been crossed.

What To Take Away

Answering the question, “Is Porn Virtual Cheating?”, may be easy or challenging for you.

Regardless of which best describes you, please consider doing the following,

Take a little time to think about how you define cheating. Start by rereading the examples and questions I gave in the first section.
Also take some time to think about where you draw the line on what’s cheating and what’s not.
After you’ve done the first two suggestions, start a conversation with your partner on the topic of cheating. It likely will be easier to start with just talking about cheating generally before bringing in the hot topic of porn.

How has what you’ve read effected your thinking? I hope it’s made you think more about this
topic and will help you be clearer on where you stand.

Where do I stand?

I’m a guy, and I understand both sides of the argument, but I do believe that porn is virtual cheating because it’s giving away something that should be only for your partner.

The opportunity to cross the line and cheat is everywhere in today’s world. Porn being virtual cheating is just one of the ways.

Take our poll. What do you think? Is Porn Virtual Cheating? Please vote by leaving a comment below.