Why Does My Husband Prefer His Hand Over Me?


    6 Min Read


    One of the most genuine pleasures in a romantic relationship is sex. Let’s not beat around the bush – sex is fun, it makes you feel good, and in a loving relationship brings you closer and deepens the intimacy. But what if you find out along the way that your husband actually prefers his hand over you when it comes to sexual pleasure?

    It’s generally accepted that all people will masturbate at some point in their lives. There shouldn’t be any shame in that. However, when you’re in a committed relationship it’s also generally assumed that there’s no longer a reason for masturbation to occur. Why use your hand when you can have the real thing? This is a question asked by many women when they find out that their husband prefers his own hand over them.


    Why He Likes His Own “Handy” Work

    Although it’s not discussed in polite company, most people at some point have engaged in self-love. Puberty is the probably the most obvious time of life for this to occur, and boys are perhaps more prone to masturbate than girls (or at least more frequently).

    But if you ask any man whether he’d rather have sex with a woman or be left to his own devices we all think we know the answer. Which makes it’s all the more confusing for women when their partners opt to use their own hand rather than have sex with them.


    There are, however, reasons this can happen – some more concerning than others.

    • He thinks he wants sex more than you do. There’s a notion out there that men want sex all the time and women rarely want it at all. While there can be differing levels of libido between the genders, especially if there are pregnancies or children involved, there’s more myth than reality to this belief. That being said, if your husband masturbates regularly, he may very well think that he’s doing you a favor by not bothering you. And if you’ve given him reason to think that you’re not interested in him sexually he may also believe it’s a better solution than cheating for sex or having an affair.
    • He’s afraid to tell you want he wants to do sexually. Even the closest of couples can have a hard time discussing their sexual desires. There may be things that turn him on that he thinks you’ll find repulsive. And maybe there are. Of course, without building trust and healthy communication that encourages true intimacy, how would you know? You know what doesn’t care about what he fantasizes about though? His hand. By masturbating he can imagine, or more likely watch the porn that depicts, the things he finds a turn on without any fear of judgement or rejection.
    • His hand is familiar. Sometimes it’s it just habit. His hand is there with him all the time – in the shower, the bathroom, late at night when you’re asleep. It may not even occur to him that it would ever bother you. It’s something he’s done since he was a teen, so why stop?
    • He can control his experience. Ladies, we all know that when it comes to sex there are things we like and ways we like it. We also know that the man in our lives may need some coaching along the way to really get it. Guess what? He might just feel the same way. As much as it may seem that sex for a man is pretty straight forward, it’s really not. There are nuances and it’s possible that he may get a certain amount of pleasure from controlling his own experience. It’s equally as possible that he may feel too shy or uncomfortable to tell you what he likes and therefore figures he’ll just do it himself.

    These, however, are not the only reasons your husband may prefer his hand over you.

    Your Husband’s Hand And It’s Connection To Porn

    The most concerning reason your husband may prefer his hand over you has to do with porn and porn addiction. And, sadly, this is possibly the most common reason women find their husbands masturbating rather than coming to them for sex.

    Porn is easy to find and for many guys just seems like a normal guy thing to do. But it’s hard to watch porn without masturbating. I mean really, what other reason is there for watching porn at all? It’s certainly not for the creative lighting or cinematography.


    So, when a man routinely watches porn he also routinely masturbates. Of course, he may come to you for sex after watching porn, but that brings up a whole other set of issues. Either way, it becomes a vicious cycle very often leading to porn addiction and bigger problems in the relationship.

    What He May Not Understand About How You Feel When He Masturbates

    Does all of this mean that your husband’s a sex addict and your sex life is a lost cause? Not at all. It does mean, however, that there’s some work to do.

    If you’ve never discussed it with him it’s quite possible he has no idea that it bothers you when he masturbates. It’s also possible he has no idea you know, or a least know how frequently he does it. Which makes the first thing you need to do is to find a way to talk to him about it.

    Sounds kind of awful, doesn’t it? I mean how does that conversation start? It’s not really a bring-it-up-over-coffee kind of topic. But bring it up you must (no pun intended).


    Every couple and situation are different, but consider these tips for making things go more smoothly.

    • Find the right time and place. A topic like this needs some space and time to occur. Right before dinner when the kids are clamoring about being hungry isn’t a good choice. Instead make sure you have a span of time that isn’t likely to be interrupted and that you’re in a private spot comfortable for you both.
    • Remember your point in having the conversation. Be clear on this in your mind before you start the conversation. Is your point that his behavior makes you feel unloved or unwanted? Or is it that you’d like to have more sex in your relationship and would like the energy he spends masturbating to be spent on you? Maybe it’s both. But if you lose sight of the reason you’re having the conversation things could easily turn confrontational and result in both of you feeling hurt, guilty and even further disconnected from one another.
    • Be kind, loving, respectful, gentle, and yes, understanding, in your approach. This is a sensitive topic and just the idea of talking about it will likely make your husband uncomfortable and skittish. So, understand that your approach will set the tone and so be careful.
    • This is about your feelings for him and how his actions make you feel. The message from this discussion can be taken a couple of ways. He may hear it as, “I want you to stop, I think it’s disgusting, don’t do this anymore.” Or, it might be, “I love you, I want to be closer to you, and you turning to your hand rather than me makes me feel like you don’t want me.” While both messages may be true, which of these do you think will be better received and garner the response you’re hoping for? It’s important to be careful about the words you chose and the message you’re trying to send.
    • Make him feel wanted and desirable through your words. We all want to feel wanted, but men are particularly sensitive and responsive to being sexually desired. If he feels like your issue with his hand is because you want him and want him to want you, things are likely to go more smoothly.

    If even in using these tips you’re still finding that nothing is changing you may need additional help. Dr. Kurt has worked with many couples dealing with this situation and it can be a complicated problem to solve.

    This is a topic where it's very easy for the sexes to misunderstand each other. Most women see this as a simple choice - he can either choose to have sex with his hand or have sex with me. A lot of men don't even see it as a choice, let alone as one option or the other. The reality is the majority of men masturbate, regularly, and do so regardless of whether or not they're having sex with their partner. A lot of guys have told me they use masturbation as a stress reliever - similar to having a beer after work. These differing viewpoints between women and men on this subject can make it very polarizing. There is truth on both sides, so trying to be understanding of each other is the first place to start."

    Although it’s not the actual words, when a woman says, “My husband prefers his hand over me,” what she’s also saying is that it hurts, and her self-esteem is being negatively affected when he masturbates frequently - especially if there’s porn involved.


    If you are a woman in this situation, or even the man putting her there, know that things need to change in order for your relationship to be balanced and healthy.

    Sex, especially in a marriage, should not only be fun, it should also be shared and bring you closer together. If you think your husband prefers his hand over you know that you’re not crazy for wanting things to be different.


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