Women ask Why Does My Boyfriend Watch Porn Then Want Sex With Me? See what a relationship counselor for men says about men Watching Porn And Wanting Sex,
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Porn is a pretty uncomfortable subject for nearly everyone to discuss. Something that typically accompanies porn viewing that can be even more embarrassing is masturbation. And now a new problem has surfaced around porn and masturbation in the form of porn erectile dysfunction.
But wait - isn't it just older guys who have erectile dysfunction?
Yes, that is usually true, although men of any age can have this problem.
Porn erectile dysfunction, however, is a new problem, different from regular ED, and it's affecting men of all ages – but particularly younger men.
The short answer is – yes.
Obviously, not being able to get an erection is a physical function problem. Several things can cause it, including,
The most common causes of erectile dysfunction are,
As exhaustive as this list seems, one of the biggest contributors, especially for younger, healthy men, and the thing most unlikely to be listed on any description of the causes of erectile dysfunction, is porn.
Hold on – shouldn't watching porn help with getting an erection, not inhibit one?
Maybe, maybe not.
For nearly all men, porn is associated with arousal. And yes, that’s largely the effect – until it isn’t.
Before the internet, access to porn was limited to videos and magazines, like Playboy and Penthouse. While some men had collections of these, most guys had limited access.
But the internet has made the availability of porn images and video clips nearly instantaneous and limitless.
This endless supply of visual sexual images has fed men's natural desire to both "hunt" and fantasize about sex. As a result, the pleasure of sexual fantasizing combined with an infinite supply of stimulating images has turned looking at porn into a game of seeking ever increasingly exciting images and fantasies for many, many men.
This is one of the big reasons why for some men watching porn becomes so habitual and consumes hours upon hours.
Here's what one woman told me:
My spouse is 35 years old. He has struggled with porn before it even hit the internet. Since he was 12. Boxes and boxes of magazines. Now in his phones... There are 14,000 photos. Yes. 14,000. That's an old phone. The new one has 5,000. And now there is a back up phone and I don't know how many there are. He admits it's an issue. Says when he feels it taking over."
As shocking as this may be, I've actually had men confess to me in counseling of having even more porn saved than this guy.
Like this husband, many men have no idea how big an issue their porn watching really is. After all, isn't it normal for men to want to look at a naked woman?
Yes, but an excessive amount of anything causes problems – even good things (however porn isn't a good thing).
And now an increasing number of men are reporting difficulties getting and keeping an erection when being intimate with their partners.
I know men who also have problems reaching orgasm when having sex with their wives or girlfriends. And some men can even lose interest in having sex at all with a real woman.
This flies in the face of many common assumptions.
Aren't men suppose the think about sex every 6 seconds?
Aren't they supposed to be so sex focused they'd have intercourse nearly any time?
What gives?
Again, the short answer is – yes.
Sexual arousal releases the pleasure chemical dopamine in the brain. And too much dopamine can be a problem.
When viewing porn becomes habitual it can cause the nerves in the brain to become less sensitive and responsive to dopamine. This results in normal sexual intimacy (with a real woman) being insufficient to produce enough dopamine for erectile arousal.
The consequence of this change in the brain can be seen in the prior descriptions of men requiring more and more porn to get aroused and maintain an erection until orgasm.
This doesn’t have to be the permanent state of things, however. Eliminating porn will eventually lead to a return to a normalized dopamine response.
There are some clinicians who say that porn erectile dysfunction is a myth. But there are also a lot of people who believe porn is harmless too.
Neither of which I agree with.
The truth is that porn gives short-term pleasure, but along with that comes long-term problems.
Masturbating to porn repetitively over time raises the threshold necessary for sexual arousal, as well as orgasm.
As a result, sexual stimulus, whether real or digital, that used to immediately create excitement, no longer does, and so more and more, and newer and newer stimuli is required.
Once you understand this cycle, it’s not hard to see how normal sex with someone you've been with before would not arouse a porn user like it used too. One man I treated for porn addiction needed to masturbate and orgasm again right after having sex with his wife.
The good news, as I said earlier, is that porn erectile dysfunction is reversible.
Stop viewing porn and masturbating, and typically within 3 months the dopamine levels in your brain will return to normal levels.
However, quitting porn is much easier said than done. Despite good intentions, the addictive power of porn and its easy accessibility make it very difficult for most men to stop on their own without professional help.
There are a number of mom myths we all heard as kids. One of the most famous mom sayings has been, “Put on a jacket or you'll catch a cold." We now know that being cold does not give you a cold.
Another couple of myths routinely heard by sons everywhere involves the male anatomy,
If you keep playing with it, it will fall off someday."
And,
Masturbation will make you go blind."
Obviously, it's not going to fall off nor are you going to go blind, but it is a myth that looking at porn is harmless, and the truth is that porn erectile dysfunction can be one of the consequences.
Let’s be clear about something. Masturbation is normal. No one wants to admit it, but everyone’s done it.
Porn is not.
So, while watching porn and masturbating may not cause blindness or make it fall off, it can cause it to stop working properly. Meaning, yes – porn erectile dysfunction is a fact and a real problem for many men.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published Feb 25, 2015 and has been updated with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Women ask Why Does My Boyfriend Watch Porn Then Want Sex With Me? See what a relationship counselor for men says about men Watching Porn And Wanting Sex,
Wondering if Porn Is Cheating? Find out what psychology experts say about whether Porn Is Cheating.
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I find comfort in reading these comments. Porn ed is very real, I thought it was such a myth until I lost my virginity a few months ago and now have a steady girlfriend.
I've looked at the hardcore of hardcorest since age 12 (fall of 2000) nearly every day after school. It was about age 25 that I began to look at it less and less. I started noticing that my arousal greatly depended on the content I was viewing. Simple softcore that you see late night on movie channels just didn't cut it.
It really came to head as me and my girlfriend starting having sex, I had difficultly keeping an erection hard enough for intercourse, sort of turned flaccid.
I sought out help on it and was told that my long-term porn use got my used to "self-simulation" which isn't a bad thing necessarily (many people get along with it just fine) but it accustomed me to be aroused on demand, my own time, etc.
By a Godsend, my currently girlfriend has been very understanding. She event (early on) offered to watch porn with me/make it apart of our lovemaking, but I refused. She fully supports my going on a "no fap" goal so I can reclaim natural arousal as opposed to indulging on ed-meds (Viagra, etc). Main point, porn ed is very real, I am someone who once brushed it off as a myth now living with it.
Tyler, You're right - many men think porn addiction is a myth, and it isn't. Glad you were able to see that and get help. Thank you for sharing your story. -Kurt
What is a safe way to masturbate? Can I still use my imagination if I avoid any images of any kind? I'm a 34 yr old man who has been seeing the effect of even basic porn on my drive towards my attractive wife. I have trouble staying erect after she finishes during sex. I just feel like it would be easier if I jacked off myself rather than continue sex. I realize this is horrible and dangerous. But, she is only really horny once or twice a month and I could spud every day. What is safe? Can I imagine sexy encounters with women I know or her or what? Thanks!
My husband and I have been together for five years now and we have a great relationship in all areas apart from the bedroom. From the start he was never very interested in sex and we would sleep together maybe once a week if that. He said it was because he was older (he is 58) and his sex drive wasn't what it used to be. Eventually we started watching porn together to make it more interesting, but then it turned into every single time and all the way through. It's like I'm just there as an aid to his porn watching, not the other way round. I have also seen his internet history and I saw that when I'm away for work, which is often, he watches porn every day for hours. When I am home, he watches it maybe twice a week and doesn't keep this a secret from me. A couple of years ago I found out that when I was out of town he had gone to an escort (because the porn 'wasn't working) I was devastated. He said it was the first time he had ever done this (bar once or twice in the early days of our relationship) and that she had just jerked him off but how can I believe him? He also admitted he did not use any porn when he went to the escort. Eventually he admitted that he does not find me sexually attractive but he does love me and wants to be with me. I have stayed with him because I do love him and want to give him a second chance. I don't have a problem with him occasionally watching porn and masturbating, but if we try and have sex without it he just goes soft. I have tried talking to him about it but he gets defensive and shuts down. How can I approach the subject to him so he listens and understands my point of view? For the record I am 34 years old, in good shape, not unattractive and have never come across this before from previous relationships.
Jenny, Porn addiction can be a very complicated problem. Most men who have an issue find it difficult to talk about as it brings up feelings of embarrassment and often shame. In your situation it sounds like things have gone farther than just watching porn and that is concerning. It is likely that you and your husband would benefit from the help of a counselor. If you would like to reach out to me, my contact information is at the top and bottom of the page. If not, look for a qualified counselor that has experience with porn addiction. -Dr. Kurt