Should I Be Watching Porn With My Husband?

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7 Min Read

Contents

Effects Of Watching Porn On Your Marriage
Can Watching Porn Together Bring You Closer?
Is Watching Porn Together Ever Ok?
What Can I Do If My Husband Wants Me To Watch Porn With Him?
What To Take Away

Have you ever wondered if you should watch porn with your husband?

Maybe he’s asked you to and you’re unsure. Or maybe you’re just looking for a way to bring the heat back to your sex life.

It’s not unusual to want to find a way to spice things up. Every relationship goes through hot and cold periods when it comes to sex. This can happen for a variety of reasons,

Kids
Overly busy schedules
Sheer exhaustion
Boredom
Feelings of obligation

and every couple deals with this differently.

That is if they deal with it at all.

Some might choose to role-play, some might try and create a schedule, and some might just wait it out hoping the passion returns on its own (not generally the best choice).

Others may turn to porn - which is why many wives wonder if they should be watching porn with their husbands.

It’s not uncommon for men (especially those in troubled relationships or bored in their relationships) to turn to porn for sexual satisfaction. Unfortunately, this leaves many wives wondering if watching porn with their husband is necessary in order to improve their sexual relationship.

To be clear, watching porn isn’t only something that men turn to because their sex lives have gone dormant. Many men place porn in the category of pastime or hobby and often it can become an addiction.

A woman who is married to a man with a porn addiction can feel even greater pressure to watch porn with her husband in an effort to stay connected.

But does watching porn with your spouse really improve your relationship?

Effects Of Watching Porn On Your Marriage

There are a wide variety of opinions on porn.

While men are typically more open to it than women, there are women who enjoy it as well. In fact, there are some women who watch porn more often than their male counterparts.

What’s most common in a marriage, however, is a husband who wants to watch, or secretly watches porn, and a wife who tolerates (or not) his viewing habits.

In these cases, a woman may feel tempted to join in and see what the draw is, often hoping to find a new sexual tool for the relationship.

The “if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em” attitude may seem like an open and liberating way to approach things, but the truth is that incorporating porn into your marriage is more detrimental than it is helpful.

Couples who decide to watch porn together generally end up in one of two circumstances.

Scenario One.Initially everything is fine and exciting. Both the husband and wife find it fun, a turn-on and the sex is hot and more passionate than they were expecting.

But porn can become a crutch and soon it can be nearly impossible to have sex without it (usually this is more so for the man).

Either one or both of you aren’t really able to become aroused without it, and your partner can become more of a tool to achieve orgasm while the images/movies are what you are actually responding to. The entire experience becomes depersonalized and devoid of love.

In this case what started out as a seemingly exciting way to spice things up has poisoned the sexual intimacy in the marriage and quite possibly created two porn addicts who no longer know how to have a healthy sexual relationship.

Scenario Two. In an effort to bring the passion back a wife will agree to watch porn with her husband. Doing this might be uncomfortable for her, but she feels like she is making an effort and that’s a small price to pay for the health of her marriage.

But rather than making things better, porn can drive an even bigger wedge between them.

Watching her husband react to women who look and act like caricatures of average women is disturbing and can cause her to feel disrespected and insecure. It eventually can cause resentment and a “why am I not enough” feeling that is difficult to get past.

Many women in this situation will begin to doubt their own appeal and experience problems with self-esteem. They may even completely disengage from a sexual relationship with their husband and no longer want sex at all.

So, now porn not only hasn’t helped, but it has made things exponentially worse, possibly causing the wife to suffer feelings of inadequacy and the husband to feel completely rejected.

Although these scenarios aren’t all encompassing, they do represent the most common results of trying to use porn in a marriage.

Because of this the divorce rate is higher amongst couples who introduce porn into the relationship. No matter how you feel about porn overall, it’s far more likely that there will be a negative impact on your marriage rather than a positive one.

Can Watching Porn Together Bring You Closer?

In our counseling practice, Dr. Kurt is often asked about the merits of watching porn together as a couple in order to build intimacy and sexual passion.

The ease of access to porn and the fact that it seems harmless to many can make it look like a viable remedy for sexual problems. When asked about his perspective he had this to say,

It's almost always the wives who ask me what I think about watching porn with their husbands. And most of the time they're only asking because either their husband suggested they do it together (partly as a way to make his watching porn acceptable), or they don't want to lose the sexual intimacy in their marriage and since porn's what he's into they're wondering if they should be willing to give it a try. Yet most wives are either not that interested in porn or find it repulsive. Nevertheless, as a way to stay connected to their husbands and compromise, on a subject they likely don't agree on nor like him doing by himself, they're willing to try watching together. Unfortunately, this is not a good subject to compromise on. Watching porn together tells your husband you're okay with him watching, so it's okay for him to do it separately from you too. Watching with him will increase his desire to watch even more, not less. There are many more negative effects than just these. The bottom line is that either partner intentionally seeking out sexual arousal from anyone or anything other than their partner is going to ultimately lead to problems in their marriage.”

There is no denying the physical response people experience when watching sexual images.

Although everyone is different and has their own tastes, sexual images are generally stimulating for both men and women.

And initially the novelty of watching porn with your spouse and the feeling of doing something forbidden and taboo can be exciting.

As a means for improving the health of your sex life, however, watching porn with your husband is not likely to be the answer.

The good news is that if watching porn is something you are considering or have done, you have opened the door to conversation about how you actually can make improvements in your sex life.

Rather than using porn as a tool in the bedroom, using it as topic to start a discussion about what you each like and want is likely to be more productive and far healthier. Having open and honest conversations about sexual desires and fantasies can lead to more exciting experiences in bed.

Is Watching Porn Together Ever Okay?

Every couple is different and so the effects of watching porn together with your spouse will vary.

As the scenarios above outlined, it’s not likely to provide any benefit in the end and can quite possibly make things worse. That being said, couples will need to make the choices that are best for them – there is no black and white answer.

What’s more important than the question of whether to watch porn with your husband is the question, why do you want to?

If you’re considering watching porn together as a remedy for a problem, there are other things you should look at first, like better communication and building emotional intimacy. If these things need to be addressed, porn won’t help.

If this is a response to your husband’s porn habit or addiction, it’s the wrong approach.

If you’re simply curious and looking for something new in the bedroom it would be wise to look a little further into the future and be aware of the potential problems watching porn can cause.

What Can I Do If My Husband Wants Me To Watch Porn With Him?

To begin with, you shouldn’t ever do things in the bedroom that make you uncomfortable. Doing so will break the intimacy thatsexual experiences with your partner should create.

So, if your husband wants you to watch porn with him, it’s okay to say, "No."

The next consideration you’ll need to make is around the “why” of his request.

Is he watching on his own already and wants you to participate?

Or,

Is he looking for ways to bring something new and fun into the bedroom?

If he’s already developed a porn habit that’s a separate problem that’s probably already causing issues in your sex life. Watching together is only going to multiply the problems.

If he wants to create some new fun and break the routine, there are better ways to go about it. The good news is he’s trying, and you now have a jumping off point for a conversation.

There are many other ways to get creative without introducing movies with actors paid to demonstrate unrealistic behaviors into the mix. No pizza delivery guy is really ever tipped like that.

What To Take Away

If you’re truly considering adding porn into your marriage be sure to think through all the angles first and be aware that it can cause many issues in your relationship and tread carefully.

A woman who is considering watching porn with her husband needs to be clear on her reasoning, trust her partner to keep it an activity that they only do together, and feel completely comfortable with her decision. Without those elements the relationship is likely to experience more damage than benefit.
You should never feel pressured to watch porn or compromise yourself in any way.
If your husband wants you to watch porn with him, try taking things in a different direction and looking for other ways to increase the interest and excitement in your sex life.
Watching porn with your husband is a slippery slope.

As consenting adults, the decision to make porn part of your sex life is a private one, but it also comes with risks. Be sure you know what those are and are comfortable with them before you decide you should watch porn with your husband.