Women ask Why Does My Boyfriend Watch Porn Then Want Sex With Me? See what a relationship counselor for men says about men Watching Porn And Wanting Sex,
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A lot of women want to (or feel like they have to) be okay with their partner viewing porn. Yet these same women struggle with the true feelings they have and what to do about it. A common feeling experienced by many women about porn is that it feels like betrayal.
Porn can be a confusing topic. On one hand it seems fairly common and something all guys like, which gives it a weird kind of normalcy. On the other hand, porn can feel disrespectful, repulsive, insulting, or many other things.
And it's not at all uncommon for many women to feel this way.
But why would watching porn feel like betrayal?
Many women struggle in secret with their feelings and have no idea that there are thousands and thousands of other women just like them in the same situation. They wrestle with the same feelings of betrayal about porn too and wonder why images on a screen can make them feel this way.
Talking about porn is just not what people do, men or women.
It’s typically a very uncomfortable and embarrassing subject. Many women feel pressure to accept it because they think it’s necessary for their partner to be happy. So, they struggle with it in secret.
Here's what it looks like for one of these women dealing with porn in her marriage:
Porn seems to be a common problem between men and women. I am currently re-married and have had the same porn issues with both men. My current husband doesn't look at it as frequently as the first, so for that I'm thankful. However, I have told him from the beginning of our relationship how porn makes me feel. He agreed that it was disgusting and couldn't believe my ex would do such a thing when having such a beautiful woman by his side. Since then, my current husband has been and continues to look at porn. He's admitting he has an addiction and that he has suffered from it since he was 16. I feel so betrayed and hurt. I wish I didn't mind him looking at porn, but it's so hurtful to me. He says it's a way for him to get an easy off and that it has nothing to do with our relationship, but I don't believe it. Please help me shed some light on the situation. Right now, I'm fed up and ready to leave. He wants to work things out, which is a road that has been traveled multiple times." -Wendy
The feelings that porn can trigger in a person can vary. And those that arise from the conflict it causes between women and men vary as well. But there are a number of common themes.
It’s not uncommon for women to feel,
when their partner watches porn.
They can also feel,
And feel,
Having lots of unanswered questions is pretty typical as well.
In other words, porn can take away a woman’s feeling of safety and security within her relationship, and make her feel like her husband is more desirous of what’s on the screen than her.
And although all of those feelings are typical, there's one other that women can struggle with the most –
The feeling that porn is a betrayal is one of the most confusing feelings of them all. Alyssa’s story below is a good illustration of that.
My husband and I have been married just 10 months. Three months into our marriage I started noticing he wasn't as interested in having sex with me. He said it was because he was tired or stressed, always coming up with an excuse. I figured out not long after that he was watching internet porn quite frequently. I was devastated and worse he denied it repeatedly. He said he would stop but didn't and I begged him to go to counseling. When he refused I went by myself to a Christian counselor who was very helpful. Through her help I felt like we were getting better and stronger. We were more intimate and he had stopped watching porn, so I thought. Last week I found more and although we are doing better I'm still so hurt and feel betrayed. I feel like he is cheating on me and lying about it. I'm considering giving him an ultimatum of either he goes to counseling for his porn addiction or he leaves. Please, any advice would be much appreciated." -Alyssa
Although men will tell you porn isn’t cheating, watching other women in a sexual way can certainly feel like it – just ask any woman.
Most women want to feel they’re the only ones who can elicit a sexual response from their husband, and that their husband doesn’t want to be with anyone but them.
Bringing porn into your relationship can feel like this intimate connection has been broken or shared with other people.
There are a number of reasons why a woman may feel betrayed by porn.
Here are just 3 of them.
Most men will argue that they have no intent to betray their partner when they look at porn, but unfortunately intention doesn't change the impact. Just based on what it is and what it does, porn is a form of betrayal and most likely will make your partner feel that way. There's just no way around this fact.
Another danger with porn is what it can lead to next.
These are just a few possibilities that can change the interaction with an image to an interaction with a real person.
Most porn viewers will tell you there’s no way this would happen. But it’s a slippery slope and porn creates an insatiable desire for more and more.
A lot of porn sites link to and have pop-up ads for these other options, so taking that next step is pretty easy, and repeated exposure to these temptations can be difficult for many men to resist.
Women whose partners have taken these next steps feel even more betrayed by porn because porn can be a gateway to more interactive cheating.
When the trust in a relationship is broken through repeated betrayals with porn, the relationship is no longer healthy. In this state it can be even more difficult for partners to talk about the subject
Sex in general is a tough subject to have an honest conversation about. When it comes to porn it can feel impossible. Add to that the emotional and vulnerable state of a relationship when one partner feels betrayed, and it can be extremely difficult for partners to talk about the subject or know how to fix things.
If you’ve gotten to this point you may need the help of a qualified counselor in order to move forward. Having the assistance of an experienced, professional counselor with knowledge about porn can make all the difference.
If your partner is watching porn and you’re uncomfortable with it and feeling betrayed, you’re not alone. Although these feelings can be confusing and isolating, they’re common and can be dealt with.
As you’re trying to put your feelings into perspective, keep the following in mind:
Why does porn feel like betrayal?
The reasons above are some of the biggest reasons why. We all want to be the desire of our partner and when that desire is being directed elsewhere its natural to feel betrayed.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published November 12, 2019. It has been updated for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Women ask Why Does My Boyfriend Watch Porn Then Want Sex With Me? See what a relationship counselor for men says about men Watching Porn And Wanting Sex,
Wondering if Porn Is Cheating? Find out what psychology experts say about whether Porn Is Cheating.
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Yep, 100%. Been with my husband for 12 years and had a son that had developmental issues so I was really tired a lot and just wasn't myself. He would go off to work and I found out he was going to bars , spending money and God knows what else. It took two years of me begging him to be honest with me about his weird, sudden behavior. He told me he was only going to lunch and nothing else. Then he came clean about going to Hooters, tilted kilt, most likely strip clubs( only cam clean about 1). Saw that he was hooked on watching tik toks of girls a---s, porn, had a secret instagram and possibly Facebook and he is 45 years old. Have been fighting on and off for the last 2 years and it's a never ending battle. I see the dirty tik toks still, amongst other things and he just denies it. It's sad that you have a beautiful family and beautiful that has issues and you are worried about looking at dirty s--t. Life is beautiful and I have come to the realization that I know that I am a beautiful, loving mother, with a heart of gold and a great person and wife. I love my kids with everything I have and I love myself. If he wants to continue this immature schoolboy behavior, it will be the end of us soon. I will never feel insecure again because he cannot control himself. This social media bulls--t, porn sites, dating sites etc is the demise of our civilization. It's a very sad thing to watch, these weak minded people fall into the trap of this nonsense. Love yourself, your kids and your life and know that you don't have to feel like s--t because of someone else's shallowness and their addictions. Much love ❤
Amen!
I couldn't have said it better. In my case along with watching porn he has been messaging and meeting up with other women and of course lying about it even though i found proof. Saw a text he sent to his buddy. Bring me more condoms and we've switched hotels. He claims it was a "secret code" he sent to his buddy meaning bring more drugs. Switching motels meant ive changed the style of drugs im using. I call it bulls**t and im done with him. Making plans to move the f on. He can take his porn use and subsequent cheating and stick it up his a**.
I've read it all, including most of the comments and I still feel alienated although I know I'm not alone. My bf has terrabites of porn, all nicely organised in folders, downloads them regularly and it feels it's part of his ritual to end his day with a wank. He says he's not feeling as much enjoyment in it as he used to but it's still pretty much everyday occurrence. He says he doesn't want to have sex much although claims it's enjoyable when we do it (rarely). He doesn't respond when I initiate sex, so I am about to give up initiative. And when he initiates it's waking me up in the middle of the night when lights are off and sticking it in or (which is more usual) putting my hand on the dick to wank him or forcing to give him a blowie. I feel used and inadequate especially when without the lights I feel like I am simply a masturbatory tool. I tried talking to him as gently as I could, and every single time it makes him feel bad, he always goes in a defensive position and I honestly dunno how else to talk to him. And it's not even the only problem in our relationship but a big one because it affects my mental state very much.. and I can't afford any therapeutic help as I'm on a very low income, he won't go for the same reason plus he doesn't find his habit addictive, he says I'm overthinking. I'm so lost and sad, and I have no idea who to talk to about it, I'm just bottling things up and crying...
I am married 54 years and his porn viewing went on before were were married but seemed to "stop" for 30 years until his folks had a big argument with him.... then he engaged in porn with a fury. seems he went back to his teenage comfort zone. He truly believes he is doing it for "his" health.... seems the medical field promotes ejaculation daily for a healthy prostrate? Once he saw those articles our marriage was dead. We now live alone together and have for some time. Don't ever believe "LOVE IS FOREVER".... I am here to tell you it dies when porn enters the scene. I have outside activities to keep me busy but I never thought my senior years would be spent like this. My son passed away 4 years ago and his kids have nothing to do with me so I am alone. IF I need to speak with my "husband" I need to call him on the phone (he lives in the same house). It would be too difficult to try to live alone outside of this arrangement because we sacrificed all our savings into HIS name as we were working so I have zero income from retirement (very small social security from a few part time jobs... I was an at home Mom). I look forward to judgement day for the Lord to tell my "why" this was his plan for me.... until then I will be fine. I hold no expectations of happiness or love..... except from my animals. So I hope all ladies out there keep in mind... no matter how much YOU are committed to your relationship... it can change in a heartbeat..... and not all people who are married for long times are "happy".
Dee, This isn't the Lord's plan for marriage. When our marriage doesn't work, it's on us, not Him. I think the Lord is going to ask you why you didn't do more to change your circumstances. -Dr. Kurt
Your Comment is 100% Truth.. But Let’s get a Little deeper… It’s because All these Men are to Immature to Understand they were Never Taught to Truly Love or Respect Anyone, Not they Friends, Classmates, Teachers, Mothers, or Even Themselves. Nothing is Ever Good Enough & they Always Want More… it is Because of this Insatiable Desire for More that Millions upon Millions of Children Are Being Snatched Up & Forced Into a Life They Never Knew Existed!!! They Had No Way Of Knowing Cuz There Brains Weren’t Even Grown Enough To Know anything about Sex Yet!!! These Men Have Such A Deep Disconnect From Themselves & Life, it Never Even crossed There Mind That Everyone of them kids is Someone’s , daughter, Mother, Sister, & 8/ out of 10 times they are Not There Cuz They Want to Be. No Women wants Some Guy to Be Spitting in Her Face, Slapping Her… Every Guy That Is Engaging in This Needs To Understand It is There Fault & They Are The Reason Why So Many Kids Are Missing… if there Wasn’t Such a Demand For it Nobody Would Have To Supply it. & I Tell My Husband This All The Time, I ASK Him How He Would Feel If One Of His Daughters Was Missing (Pretty Bad) Ok How Would He Feel If He Was Scrolling Through & Came Across His Daughter Being Forced To Do These Things? Hasn’t been watching it Since. Not Yet Anyways. It’s Only Been 2 Weeks!!!
I Spent quite a few years trying to get him to understand how it made me feel, & pushed us Farther Apart Then Either of Us Wanted to Be, None of that made a Difference cuz they look at it like, Oh Well that’s your Own Issues. We Could No Longer Pretend like there was an invisible entity tearing us Apart, We Had to be Honest & He Had To Admit to Himself that his Porn Addiction was the Entity!!! So Anyone Struggling With This Issue, Try Gently Reminding Whoever it is that … They Are No Better Then Kid Nappers, it is because them that the Kids Are Being Kid Napped!!! If that Don’t Get them to Feel Some Type of Way. Then Their Problem is Way Deeper then They Realize & There is Nothing Anyone can Do Unless They Truly Are Willing to Getting Some Help Digging Deeper & Getting To the Root Cause For the Addiction!!!
Best of Luck Ladies, Keep Yer Heads Up & As Much As It Hurts & Alters How U Feel About Yourselves;Please Believe… it is NOT yer Fault. There is NOTHING Wrong With U, Just Because The Men that Swore To Love Us Are Unable to Accept the Aging Process that Grows With Us Doest Mean U Aren’t Still *BEAUTIFUL* Most these Men Have Deep Wounds From Childhood Trauma they Aren’t Even Aware of , So They Get Lost Searching For Anything That Might Fill the VOID. They Trying to Escape the PAIN they Don’t Know How to Feel. They Are Lost & As Much As We Are Hurt By it , They Are Hurting Themselves Just As Much & DONT Even Realize it YET!!! Stay Strong Ladies!!!