Why Does Porn Feel Like Betrayal? 3 Reasons Why

6 Min Read

Contents

Why Feelings About Porn Are So Confusing
3 Reasons Porn Can Make You Feel Betrayed
When Porn Leads To Further Betrayal
What To Take Away
Reader Comments (200+)

A lot of women want to (or feel like they have to) be okay with their partner viewing porn. Yet these same women struggle with the true feelings they have and what to do about it. A common feeling experienced by many women about porn is that it feels like betrayal.

Porn can be a confusing topic. On one hand it seems fairly common and something all guys like, which gives it a weird kind of normalcy. On the other hand, porn can feel disrespectful, repulsive, insulting, or many other things.

And it's not at all uncommon for many women to feel this way.

But why would watching porn feel like betrayal?

Many women struggle in secret with their feelings and have no idea that there are thousands and thousands of other women just like them in the same situation. They wrestle with the same feelings of betrayal about porn too and wonder why images on a screen can make them feel this way.

Why Feelings About Porn Are So Confusing

Talking about porn is just not what people do, men or women.

It’s typically a very uncomfortable and embarrassing subject. Many women feel pressure to accept it because they think it’s necessary for their partner to be happy. So, they struggle with it in secret.

Here's what it looks like for one of these women dealing with porn in her marriage:

Porn seems to be a common problem between men and women. I am currently re-married and have had the same porn issues with both men. My current husband doesn't look at it as frequently as the first, so for that I'm thankful. However, I have told him from the beginning of our relationship how porn makes me feel. He agreed that it was disgusting and couldn't believe my ex would do such a thing when having such a beautiful woman by his side. Since then, my current husband has been and continues to look at porn. He's admitting he has an addiction and that he has suffered from it since he was 16. I feel so betrayed and hurt. I wish I didn't mind him looking at porn, but it's so hurtful to me. He says it's a way for him to get an easy off and that it has nothing to do with our relationship, but I don't believe it. Please help me shed some light on the situation. Right now, I'm fed up and ready to leave. He wants to work things out, which is a road that has been traveled multiple times." -Wendy

The feelings that porn can trigger in a person can vary. And those that arise from the conflict it causes between women and men vary as well. But there are a number of common themes.

It’s not uncommon for women to feel,

Hurt
Angry
Devastated
Sick
Disgusted
Outraged

when their partner watches porn.

They can also feel,

Unattractive
Inadequate
Not good enough
Less than
Ugly

And feel,

Insecure
Uncertain
Doubts
Suspicions
Distrustful

Having lots of unanswered questions is pretty typical as well.

In other words, porn can take away a woman’s feeling of safety and security within her relationship, and make her feel like her husband is more desirous of what’s on the screen than her.

And although all of those feelings are typical, there's one other that women can struggle with the most –

Betrayal

The feeling that porn is a betrayal is one of the most confusing feelings of them all. Alyssa’s story below is a good illustration of that.

My husband and I have been married just 10 months. Three months into our marriage I started noticing he wasn't as interested in having sex with me. He said it was because he was tired or stressed, always coming up with an excuse. I figured out not long after that he was watching internet porn quite frequently. I was devastated and worse he denied it repeatedly. He said he would stop but didn't and I begged him to go to counseling. When he refused I went by myself to a Christian counselor who was very helpful. Through her help I felt like we were getting better and stronger. We were more intimate and he had stopped watching porn, so I thought. Last week I found more and although we are doing better I'm still so hurt and feel betrayed. I feel like he is cheating on me and lying about it. I'm considering giving him an ultimatum of either he goes to counseling for his porn addiction or he leaves. Please, any advice would be much appreciated." -Alyssa

3 Reasons Porn Can Make You Feel Betrayed

Although men will tell you porn isn’t cheating, watching other women in a sexual way can certainly feel like it – just ask any woman.

Most women want to feel they’re the only ones who can elicit a sexual response from their husband, and that their husband doesn’t want to be with anyone but them.

Bringing porn into your relationship can feel like this intimate connection has been broken or shared with other people.

There are a number of reasons why a woman may feel betrayed by porn.

Here are just 3 of them.

Porn feels like betrayal because it's a form of cheating. Although porn viewing seems like an individual act that hurts no one, this is just not true. Just like flirting with others is cheating, porn is cheating too. When men watch porn, they're giving part of themselves away (this goes for women who watch too). When we're in a committed relationship or marriage, we have agreed to give our self sexually only to one person. But porn gives our sexual interest, desires, and attention elsewhere. Even though with porn this is given away to an image on a screen (this isn't always the case), it still doesn't make it any less real or wrong. When the sexual exclusivity of the relationship is broken it's a betrayal.
Another reason porn feels like betrayal is because sex is very, very personal. Sex is the most intimate way we can connect with another human being. When that's being shared elsewhere it feels like a violation of the relationship, because it is. As I described earlier, porn can trigger a lot of very personal, individual feelings that can also make a partner feel violated, and these lead to feeling betrayed.
Finally, porn feels like betrayal because it's almost always done in secret. A pattern of hiding, lying, and breaking promises almost always accompanies porn in relationships. This breaking of trust leads to feeling betrayed as well.

Most men will argue that they have no intent to betray their partner when they look at porn, but unfortunately intention doesn't change the impact. Just based on what it is and what it does, porn is a form of betrayal and most likely will make your partner feel that way. There's just no way around this fact.

When Porn Leads To Further Betrayal

Another danger with porn is what it can lead to next.

Sex chats
Live webcams
Messaging other women
Sexting
Adult dating sites

These are just a few possibilities that can change the interaction with an image to an interaction with a real person.

Most porn viewers will tell you there’s no way this would happen. But it’s a slippery slope and porn creates an insatiable desire for more and more.

A lot of porn sites link to and have pop-up ads for these other options, so taking that next step is pretty easy, and repeated exposure to these temptations can be difficult for many men to resist.

Women whose partners have taken these next steps feel even more betrayed by porn because porn can be a gateway to more interactive cheating.

When the trust in a relationship is broken through repeated betrayals with porn, the relationship is no longer healthy. In this state it can be even more difficult for partners to talk about the subject

Sex in general is a tough subject to have an honest conversation about. When it comes to porn it can feel impossible. Add to that the emotional and vulnerable state of a relationship when one partner feels betrayed, and it can be extremely difficult for partners to talk about the subject or know how to fix things.

If you’ve gotten to this point you may need the help of a qualified counselor in order to move forward. Having the assistance of an experienced, professional counselor with knowledge about porn can make all the difference.

What To Take Away

If your partner is watching porn and you’re uncomfortable with it and feeling betrayed, you’re not alone. Although these feelings can be confusing and isolating, they’re common and can be dealt with.

As you’re trying to put your feelings into perspective, keep the following in mind:

Just because porn has become somewhat mainstream doesn’t mean you have to change how you feel and accept it.
There are many feelings that can arise in response to porn – betrayal is one of them and it’s completely normal.
When it comes down to it, porn is a form of cheating. The sexual arousal and pleasure provided by someone other than your partner – even if it’s on a screen – can have the same effects as physically cheating with another person.
Porn can lead to other forms of sexually cheating, including in-person physical cheating.
In a healthy relationship partners respect each other’s feelings. Your partner should respect yours.
Because this is an intimate, difficult, and potentially embarrassing subject, the help of a counselor may be needed.

Why does porn feel like betrayal?

The reasons above are some of the biggest reasons why. We all want to be the desire of our partner and when that desire is being directed elsewhere its natural to feel betrayed.

Editor's Note: This post was originally published November 12, 2019. It has been updated for accuracy and comprehensiveness.