I Can’t Compete With Porn And Don’t Know What To Do

women-think-i-cant-compete-with-porn-and-what-it-offers

6 Min Read

Contents

Comparing Yourself To Porn Stars
Does He Want Me Or Porn?
Are You Really Competing With Porn?
What To Take Away

There’s a common reaction for most women when they discover their partner has been watching porn – “OMG! I don’t look like that! I can’t compete with porn!!!”

That’s actually a pretty rational thought.

The typical first response of most women to porn, however, is usually all emotion – and pretty extreme emotions too.

Such as feeling –

Shocked
Horrified
Repulsed

After the emotions cool down, then the more rational thinking kicks in. That’s when the idea of having to compete with porn for their man’s sexual interest hits most women.

It’s one thing to think of porn as something guys in general look at, but it’s a whole other thing to see specifically the type of porn your partner is viewing.

Everyone has fantasies. Some common ones are about –

Money
Vacations
Jobs
Retirement
Sex

When you see a porn site your partner has visited, or more precisely the images or videos he’s looked at, these unspoken fantasies become very real and specific.

You see the type of women he finds attractive and fantasizes about having sex with.

Fears and insecurities get triggered about what it means about you and your relationship. And one of the most common thoughts is, “I can’t compete with porn.”

Comparing Yourself To Porn Stars

Whether you’ve seen the porn your partner has looked at or are just imagining what it looks like, comparing it to how you see yourself is a pretty common response.

We all can compare ourselves to others in a number of ways –

Jobs we have.
Cars we drive.
Houses we live in.
Vacations we take.
How happy we appear.
And of course, possibly the biggest one of all, our physical appearance.

Social media has only made this comparing easier to do – and more destructive for us.

As a society we’ve become so desensitized that most of us don’t realize how much sex is everywhere. Drawing our attention, focus, and attraction to others.

There’s always been the attractive woman or man in the advertisements we see and movies we watch. But now it’s also the bikini models on Instagram, YouTube and TikTok influencers, or women making homemade porn on OnlyFans.

The term “porn star” has to be used pretty loosely today as more and more everyday people are filming themselves naked or having sex, and then posting it online. So, anyone can be a “porn star” today – not just the stereotypical porn star of the past.

What’s the effect?

Here’s an example –

My partner and I have been together 15 years now, since I was 17. I know he used to be very attracted to me and I felt attractive, but in the last five years I have battled cancer and also had two pregnancies and I have lost all self-esteem. We rarely have sex, he rarely initiates it and though we can be loving it is rarely physical. This makes me feel even less attractive and now I have found he has been looking at a lot of porn and I feel so very hurt. I feel I can't even begin to compete with these women he looks at. I feel so ugly and undesirable and I also am feeling rather alone. It has been so long since I have been complimented or felt nice, and I feel things have changed so much between us. What do I do when I can't talk to him, he doesn't even seem to want sex when I initiate it, and in all honesty I wouldn't want me either. How do I change things? How do I cope with my own self-loathing when my partner only compounds how I feel?” -Mindy

Mindy has seen her guy’s porn and compared herself to it.

What’s been the result?

“I feel so ugly and undesirable.”

“I wouldn't want me either.”

“Self-loathing.”

It’s very likely that Mindy felt this way about herself before seeing the porn, but there’s no question that her comparing herself to the women in the porn he’s watched has made her feel worse about herself. Probably much worse.

Does He Want Me Or Porn?

In most cases there’s not a clear answer to the question of what he wants.

Most guys want both – sex with their partner and to watch porn.

Unfortunately, a lot of guys have become addicted to porn and its replaced the desire for sex with their partner.

I talked with a 59-year-old-man this week who admitted that for the last 27 years of his marriage he’s used to porn in place of having sex with his wife. It was just easier and quicker he said.

Here’s another example –

My husband and I have been together 28 years. I am 55 years old. Years ago, I was thin and pretty. Over the years I gained about 15 pounds and stopped working out. I know my body doesn't look good and I know my husband isn't attracted to me anymore. I think he's addicted to porn and may have cheated (with girls half my age). We haven't had sex in about 1 year and when we did, he couldn't perform. He became very distant and even mean. I know I got heavy and let myself go and that's probably why he's looking elsewhere. But I can’t compete with porn or women half my age.” -Donna

It’s really important to remember that there’s a whole lot more to a relationship, and attraction too, than just physical appearance and sex. Unfortunately, our society emphasizes the opposite.

And there’s a whole lot more that we offer our partner, and that makes us attractive, than our appearance and sex.

Too many partners mis-use sex. They don’t use it to show love to their partner, but for selfish reasons, like –

Physical release
Feel good about themselves
Feel loved

Because of this we shouldn’t rely solely on sex to evaluate our relationship.

The reality is that as we get older and our relationship matures, sex should look different and be less important than it did in the beginning.

Are You Really Competing With Porn?

When you think you, “I can’t compete with porn” – what are you really thinking you can’t compete with?

Women with the perfect bodies (many surgical altered)?
Younger women?
Women who will do any sex act, anytime, anywhere?
Sexual fantasies that are disconnected from true real life?
Endless sexual variety?

You must be, right?

Because he –

Repeatedly chooses porn over sex with you

-Or-

Has no interest in sex with you

In actuality, despite what it looks like, you’re not competing with porn.

Porn and an addiction to it is so much more complicated than that.

Sure, he finds those women and fantasies appealing, even attractive. But that’s not the biggest reason why he keeps going back to it over and over again.

It’s the high that you’re really competing with. The brain chemicals that get released when watching porn that are the same ones released when using cocaine.

On the surface it looks like you’re competing against breast and butt size, how much you weigh, the types of sex you’re willing to try.

When you think this way you may think, ‘if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em’ and get surgery yourself, like this woman.

I’m 22yrs old & have been married for 6yrs ...my husband is 30yrs old we have 2 kids & I thought we had an amazing relationship, but for the past 2yrs I have caught my husband watching porn. I feel like an attractive person. I even got a breast augmentation to feel more complete about myself & to see if that helps him stop watching porn... & it hasn’t. He never stops watching it... the thing that hurts me the most is that he lies & acts like nothing about it... I leave 2hrs earlier in the morning than he does to go to work & I’ve caught him watching it while I’m gone taking our kids to school & working... & I’ve even caught him just looking at girls on Facebook... I don’t know what to think... I feel he has ruined our relationship... it has gotten to the point I feel like I can’t trust him... I’m ready to just leave him. My heart just aches & can’t take anymore lies & betrayal from him. Am I wrong? Am I exaggerating? I can’t compete anymore with his porn. I’m so lost I don’t know what to do anymore???” -Danika

Another woman I counseled got a Brazilian butt lift because her guy liked porn with women with big butts.

This is all a mistake.

You’re right in thinking, “I can’t compete with porn.”

No one can.

Not Scarlett Johansson.
Not Jennifer Lawrence.
Not _____ (whoever’s ‘hot’ now).

What To Take Away

Thinking you’re competing against porn is depressing.

It’s also wrong. Here’s why –

Comparing yourself to porn stars is a mistake and horribly damaging to your self-esteem.
Relationships, attraction, and feeling loved is about much more than sex.
You’re competing against the drug high of porn, not the women.
No one can compete with porn.

So, change your thinking from, “I can’t compete with porn,” to “I have so much more to offer than porn.”

This is obviously much easier said than done. But I help women do it every day. I also help men change how they think about porn, learn how not to chase the drug, and stop hurting their partner.

Change is possible. You just have to pursue it.

Do you feel like you’re competing with porn? Tell other readers what that’s been like and get their support.