Why Your Boyfriend Watches Porn Then Wants Sex With You

    man-watches-porn-wants-sex-with-girlfriendOne of the most common points of disagreement between men and women is over sex. Almost always the man wants more and the woman wants less (or sometimes isn't interested at all). Porn significantly impacts this difference in sex drive in ways most people don't even realize. As a result, the watching of porn by men leads many women to wonder, "Why does my boyfriend watch porn then want to have sex with me?"

    The impact porn has on their men is a source of much confusion for women. Women can wonder, "If he's looking at porn and so interested and turned on by other women, why would he still be interested in having sex with me?" Good question.

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    "If he's masturbating while viewing porn then why would he still want sex?" Another good question. After all, a lot of men say they're only viewing porn because they don't get enough sex from their partners. Any woman who's had their partner try to justify looking at porn has likely heard this excuse before.

    Why does my boyfriend secretly watch porn right before we have sex?" -Serena

    In order to answer these questions, and Serena's in particular, we've got to first discuss the impact porn has on a man's sex drive. While most people, especially guys, believe porn is harmless, it's not. Read on.

    Porn Changes The Sex Drive

    Men always want to have sex, right? Well that's the assumption any way, and it's true for most men. However, porn viewing has a big impact on the sex drive and it isn't always in the way most people would assume.

    Here's a common example of how porn viewing decreases interest in sex with a partner:

    My husband always watch porn sites and do masterbating. And he does not want to make relations with me. Alwaz refuses to have sex with me. I don't want to live with him. Plz help me." -Nora

    Nora's husband's sex drive hasn't actually decreased, although that's what it's like from her perspective since he won't have sex with her. What's changed is his choice of sexual outlet. Instead of sex with her he's having sex with images on a screen. Porn has replaced her.

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    Porn often becomes a substitute for sex with a partner. On the surface there's a lot that can make it more appealing -- it's always available and ready, just a couple of clicks and someone wants you, porn never says "no," it's limitless, and there's an endless variety to meet any interest or level of stimulation needed. It's hard for a real-life partner to compete with that.

    Here's another example:

    I am hurting so bad, my boyfriend and I have been together over 2 and a half yrs. Since we have been together I was aware things were not right but put it down to him getting used to me. I asked and was told he dint feel well or was tired, so was patient and tried other times, which hurt a bit also being the one who always made the first move. Every few months things would get me down, hardly having sex, him never climaxing from sex, always me making the first move. I have always known he watches porn, I am open minded and did not mind, occasionally we would watch together, and it was obvious this was more enjoyable. But as things continued to be bad, even though I gave him so much opportunity to tell me what he wanted me to do better. Once I saw some emails from chat sites, I was really hurt, when I asked he said they were from yrs ago and dint even know the passwords, he was upset and I believed him, now I'm not so sure. This is because 7 or 8 months later I have realised and found out that he is making up excuses all the time not too have sex, then the minute I'm out the door puts porn on, so basically he is rejecting me and SAVING himself for porn.... Once I let myself acknowledge this it has killed me inside. I want to leave so bad. I feel so ugly, and worthless. All my happiness and hope that I have had (first time in a lot of yrs) it has all gone! My feelings have took me by surprise, I wasn't aware I would feel so devastated, and feel so negative towards him. I just want to leave, I have two teenagers, he doesn't have any. Just 6 months ago I sold my house and moved in with him, why did I not realise sooner, why did he lie so much and ever think I would be happy with how he was treating me! Now I'm stuck and don't know what to do, I have absolutely no family, and haven't had a happy existence so far, and I am aware I have some insecurity issues. Because he realises I am so hurt, he had assessment for counselling, and I am waiting for an appointment. However I can't help thinking what's the point! This is who he is.... And if he had genuinely wanted to change he would of. I am not sure I could ever trust him again anyway. All I have ever wanted is to be wanted, I just need to be wanted for once in my whole life! I'm so unhappy." -Zoe

    Both of these women's stories are pretty typical of the effect porn can have on the sexual relationship, but they don't explain why some men want more sex when watching porn. I share these two examples first because the impact of porn can look different for each person, and even change at different times. For instance, the two men above who have replaced sex with their partners with porn could suddenly one day be interested in sex with their girlfriends again. This ever-shifting interest just adds to the confusion for partners.

    The bottom line is that porn changes sexual desire, interests and drive. The above examples are just one of the ways. But can porn increase sex drive? Yes, and it usually does this more than lessen it. Again, in the examples above the men's sex drive hasn't likely lessened, it's probably actually increased due to porn, but that's not their girlfriend's experience.

    So let's answer Serena's and many other women's original question, "Why does my boyfriend watch porn then want to have sex with me?"

    Why He Wants Porn And Sex With You

    Porn causes arousal, but not always relief (through the high of reaching orgasm). And actually to make porn's affect even more complicated it doesn't even always produce arousal either. Depending upon a person's age, health, and porn history (the more porn watched the longer arousal takes), arousal can become more and more difficult to achieve. Challenges with arousal can be one of the reasons why your boyfriend wants sex after watching porn.

    My boyfriend watches porn a lot. I don't get it why? I'm walking naked in the room but does he care NO! He's still looking at porn. It might be OK to watch sometimes but not every time. Sometimes when I'm a sleep and he's getting off the porn site, he jumps into bed and goes undoing my clothes then touching me in different places, then he gets on top of me he's trying to put his c**k into me but it isn't hard yet, just when I'm getting in the mood then in 4 seconds he's done already. What's the point "Go and give yourself a hand job". Sorry for too much information. But really I don't know what to do? Its been like this a lot of times. All I want is a normal time of sex at least. The more time he spends on the porn site the less sex. I've had enough of his 4 seconds sex. Is there any other way for him to come back to his normal sex life?" -Carrie

    Your boyfriend may masturbate while viewing porn, but never climax and so he wants to have sex with you to finish off. This is likely the case with Carrie's boyfriend. Excessive masturbation can also cause tactile (touch) stimulation problems, which leads to needing more and more physical stimulation to reach orgasm.

    Ultimately, and ironically, viewing porn can result in an inability to be fully sexually stimulated and satisfied. This causes some men to turn to their partners for sex to finish or even climax again. Erectile dysfunction can actually be a result of excessive porn viewing as well.

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    Porn can be consumed in mass quantities on the internet. It's just a matter of how many pics and clips can be swiped through in the available time. While many men will say they just look a little bit, the addictive pull of porn leads many to view for hours at a time. The endless quantity and lengths of time viewing can ultimately result in a dulling of stimulation, which only increases the desire to look more and more in order to achieve satisfaction.

    The lack of complete satisfaction that regular porn viewing produces can lead to needing to have more than one orgasm, or sexual release by masturbation to porn in order to be fully satisfied. Here's another confused girlfriend's story:

    My bf looks at porn all the time. He claims now that he just looks at the screenshots, only watching one or two videos occasionally, but it's everyday! Even after we have sex, he still goes and looks at it. I've told him over and over how this makes me feel and how much it hurts. Yes, occasionally we will watch one together, and I don't mind that. He wants to role play and try new things. Again, I don't mind that. However him watching porn makes me feel like all he wants is a porn star who will do nothing but suck his d*** all night (sorry for the language). I've told him how it makes me feel like I'm not good enough, like he'd rather be with a person on the movie than with me. This goes for both my mental and physical aspects. He tells me I'm beautiful and sexy and he loves my body but I look NOTHING like them and I don't understand how he can honestly mean that when he gets turned on by women who are thinner and prettier than me. It hurts so bad. We have been together almost 2 years. We have struggled with this, as well as him flirting with other women, having sexually explicit conversations with them, emails, and even physically cheating on me. I want to continue this and yes, he has stopped everything but the porn, which I am grateful for but it still hurts like hell. I don't know what to say or do to make him understand...please help." -Natalie

    How To Discuss Porn And Your Sex Life

    Every person, their circumstances, and relationship is different. So the answer to why your boyfriend watches porn and then wants to have sex with you is going to be different for each guy too. However, as we've discussed, there are a number of common reasons that will begin to help you answer this question.

    Keep in mind that sex is difficult and uncomfortable for almost everyone to talk about. Add to that the embarrassment, shame and secrecy that comes with porn viewing and you've got a really tough subject to communicate about. So don't be surprised or dismayed if your boyfriend or husband won't tell you the answer to 'why' (he likely doesn't know himself) or is unwilling to talk about it.

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    If talking about this topic is too hard, then get the assistance of a professional counselor to help facilitate the conversation. Unfortunately, many counselors aren't comfortable or experienced in talking about porn either, so be sure to find one that is. This is a subject most men want to avoid, so if your partner won't talk to a counselor, then do it by yourself.

    Having some understanding as to why your boyfriend wants to have sex with you after he's watched porn is crucial to resolving the different feelings you each have about it. Keep in mind that understanding the reasons why doesn't have to mean you should accept it. You can be empathetic toward him without agreeing that his behavior is okay.

    Does your boyfriend watch porn and want sex with you too? Please share your story with others by leaving a comment below.

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