My Husband Doesn’t Care About Me And I Don’t Know Why

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6 Min Read

Contents

Love vs. Caring
What Does It Look Like When Your Husband Doesn’t Care About You?
What Made Him Stop Caring About Me?
Can I Make Him Care About Me Again?
What To Take Away

We all want someone to care about us. If you’re married, you count on your spouse to be chief among those people. If you feel like that’s not the case and your husband doesn’t care about you, it’s both painful and lonely.

Many women are in marriages right now saying, “My husband doesn’t care about me,” and feeling lost. Whether he really doesn’t care about you or doesn’t know how to show it, there’s no pathway to happiness in a marriage when one partner feels uncared for by the other.

This is different than feeling unloved and can be even more hurtful in some cases.

Love vs. Caring

Before you declare that your husband doesn’t care about you anymore, you must be sure of what you’re saying.

Does he not love you, or does he not care about you? There’s a difference.

Love is that feeling that’s idolized in songs and poems. It’s the magical emotion associated with romance, passion, and deep commitment. And it’s what propels us (in most cases) to get married in the first place.

No one ever says, “I’m madly in caring with you.”

On the other hand, caring about someone may not be as glitzy and dramatic, but it’s fundamental to a relationship. Caring about someone means you,

Want what’s best for them
Don’t want to hurt them
Have concern for their well-being
That they’re important to you

You can’t have love without caring, but you can have caring without love.

Make sense?

In marriage, the passionate feelings associated with love can change. Many marriages will even go through periods of feeling like the love is gone (it’s generally not, it’s just buried, but that’s a different article).

Feeling like your husband doesn’t love you is undoubtedly painful, but additionally feeling like your husband no longer cares about you at all adds insult to injury and can be excruciating.

What Does It Look Like When Your Husband Doesn’t Care About You?

Just as there are several ways to show you care, many behaviors can give the impression you don’t.

When a woman says, “My husband doesn’t care about me,” it’s generally because that’s what her husband’s actions tell her. She might be seeing things like,

Disinterest in where she goes and what she does. “He doesn’t even know if I’m home or gone half the time. I could be dead in a ditch, and he wouldn’t know."
Hurtful or rude comments with no regard for her feelings. “You’re pathetic,” “Get out of my face,” “I don’t give a damn about what you think.” This is also a form of verbal abuse.
Making big decisions without including her. “He bought himself a new car and didn’t discuss it with me at all.”
Coming and going without telling her his plans. “He’s gone until all hours of the night and tells me what he does is none of my business.”
General indifference to her well-being. “When I told him I needed surgery, he said I’d need to find a ride there and back.”
He has no interest or connection to helping with the house and kids. “Keep those brats quiet!” or “What good are you if you can’t keep the laundry done or the kitchen clean?!”
He sees her as the source of all his problems. “If it weren’t for you, I’d have been successful by now.”

These behaviors and others like them are like flashing a neon sign that says, “I DON’T CARE ABOUT YOU.”

This is a common theme in Dr. Kurt’s couples counseling. According to him,

Another way wives feel not cared about is the lack of any emotional connection or empathy from their husbands. One woman told me last week that she feels 'emotionally alone' in her marriage. 'I feel he doesn't recognize he has a pregnant wife.' And more important to her than his helping more is his acknowledgement of how she feels. Her saying 'I want emotional support' echoes the desire of a lot of wives who say they feel 'my husband doesn't care about me.' The good news is that this can change. One of the things I teach men like this woman's husband is how to build their emotional intelligence so they can provide that kind of support."

What Made Him Stop Caring About Me?

One thing that you need to keep in mind is that actions and feelings don’t always match. It’s possible that even though you’re seeing that neon sign, his behaviors are motivated by something else.

Men who are,

can act in cruel and hurtful ways, not realizing the pain they’re causing.

Does this make it okay?

No, not even close.

But it does mean his behavior may not reflect how he cares about you and that by working together, the two of you can improve your relationship.

However, looking at your own behaviors while evaluating his is also a good idea. Most people are reactionary to some degree, and it’s possible some of his actions are in response to yours.

So, if you’re wondering why it seems like your husband doesn’t care about you, ask yourself the following questions:

Do you show him you care about him? It can be hard to make an effort toward someone when they make no effort toward you. This goes both ways and, unfortunately, can become a vicious and destructive loop, with each of you waiting for the other to demonstrate caring behaviors first.
If you think you do, is it in ways that he’ll recognize? It’s possible that what you think he should see as caring isn’t something he recognizes. You may consider putting a loving note in his lunchbox as a way to show you care when what he’d really appreciate and understand as caring is you bringing him a hot cup of coffee as he wakes up.
Are you ever insensitive or dismissive of things that are important to him? Men can be more sensitive than many women realize. Making light of his woodworking abilities or your lack of interest in his last work-related win may have hurt him in a way that has caused him to lash out.
Do you show appreciation for him or take him for granted? Just as you’re not there to serve him, he’s not there to serve you, either. So, if you’re making too many assumptions about what he should or shouldn’t be doing, not saying thank you enough, or barking orders at him, he may be showing you he’s had enough.
Could he be showing you he cares in ways that you don’t recognize? Let’s start by saying that verbal or emotional abuse should never be tolerated. So, if your husband is acting as though he doesn’t care about you in ways ways that are abusive, it doesn’t matter what else he may be doing – that behavior must stop. Otherwise, is it possible that while you are focused on his uncaring behaviors, other actions are intended to show you he cares?

Is not asking you about where you’re going a response to your wanting independence and not to be micromanaged?

Could his not being able to be your transportation be because he’s trying desperately too keep his job or make enough money to keep you comfortable while you're laid up?

There is one thing that all of the above have in common – they’re all a product of poor communication.

Can I Make Him Care About Me Again?

Any wife who’s said, “My husband doesn’t care about me,” is also asking the question, “Can I make my husband care about me again?” Even if they don’t say it out loud.

The reality is,

Most likely your husband does care about you.
What you really want is for him to show you he cares about you in a way you understand.
And truly, what you’re looking for is to feel loved by him.

If you feel like your husband doesn’t care about you, addressing it will initially require the following three things:

Understanding your own actions and what you contribute to the situation.
Be clear about what caring means and looks like to you.
Knowing what you’re willing to accept.

You’ll then need to understand what those three things look like from his perspective. Achieving this requires the two of you to communicate effectively – something that’s much easier said than done.

And depending upon your husband’s state of mind, he may not be willing or able to have the type of productive conversation that will move the dial in the right direction.

If this is the case, it’s time to seek professional help.

Marriage counseling can assist you both in getting to the root of the issues causing your husband’s uncaring behavior and see where you can make positive changes. If he’s unwilling to go, going on your own is still beneficial. Or consider having him speak with a counselor specializing in the emotional and communication challenges specific to men.

What To Take Away

Any woman who’s ever said or thought, “My husband doesn’t care about me,” knows how isolating it can be. To feel like the one person who’s supposed to care the most about you and be your partner has stopped caring is hard to take.

But take comfort knowing there’s hope.

Remember,

There’s a difference between love and caring. You need to recognize the difference to focus your efforts on fixing the right thing.
Although it may seem your husband doesn’t care about you, he probably does. He may be dealing with something masking his feelings or expressing his caring in a way that’s not registering with you.
If his behavior is in any way abusive, it must stop.
Fixing the issues that have led to this point in your marriage requires strong communication.
Seeking the guidance of a professional counselor can help you get the changes you need in the most effective way.

Living in an unhappy state and feeling uncared for isn’t healthy. If you feel like your husband doesn’t care about you, rather than resigning yourself, find a way to take positive action.