Can A Relationship Survive Self-Sabotage?

3 Min Read

Contents

Ways To Help Your Relationship Survive The Damaging Effects Of Self-Sabotage
Takeaways Regarding Helping Your Relationship Survive Self-Sabotage
FAQs

The good news? Yes, a relationship can survive the damaging behavior of self-sabotage.

BUT..

It requires both partners to participate.

Although self-sabotage in a relationship generally occurs through one partner’s actions, repairing things once the damage has been done can’t be accomplished by just that partner. It takes two committed partners working together to end the behavior and heal.

There are many reasons a person might self-sabotage a relationship, most of them related to deep emotional wounds and past traumas. This means breaking the cycle and fixing what’s broken isn’t an overnight endeavor.

But it can be done.

Ways To Help Your Relationship Survive The Damaging Effects Of Self-Sabotage

The following three steps are critical if you’re ready for change and want to help your relationship survive self-sabotage.

You must,

1. Commit to change

For a relationship to survive self-sabotage both partners must be committed to the change process.

Why both partners when it’s one person doing the sabotaging?

Because the person causing the harm can’t do it alone, they need help.
The damage done has affected both of you. That means trust, communication, and emotional closeness have to be rebuilt, which one person can’t do.

This requires being open to difficult conversations as you work through past wounds and rebuild trust and intimacy – together.

2. Understand the root causes and your triggers

Self-sabotage often stems from past experiences when you didn’t feel safe and your vulnerability was exploited.

So, you need to ask yourself,

What am I protecting myself from?”

The answer to this question will help you identify your triggers and allow you to examine your response more closely.

By understanding your triggers, you can become more in tune with your emotions and more effectively start the process of changing.

3. Develop self-awareness

Self-awareness is one of the biggest keys to breaking the cycle of self-sabotage.

You need to,

Recognize the specifics of your behavior
Understand what’s causing you to behave that way
How it affects your partner and relationship

This should include,

Learning how to recognize, name, and manage your emotions
Communicate those emotions to your partner
An openness to becoming vulnerable enough to change

And as a partner, you’ll need to,

Exercise patience
Learn how to empathize with your partner

4. Seek counseling

Self-sabotaging is a complicated process. No one does it intentionally and the issues that drive this behavior can be challenging to untangle.

And the damage that’s done in a relationship can be hard to repair without help.

So, seeking the help and support of a qualified counselor can be enormously beneficial, especially when you’re trying to help your relationship survive self-sabotage.

A counselor can help you identify and overcome the root causes of your self-sabotage, help you and your partner better understand each other, and improve communication.

Dr. Kurt helps couples who are dealing with self-sabotage in their relationship on a daily basis. When it comes to helping a relationship survive self-sabotage, he had this to say,

Whether or not your relationship can survive self-sabotaging has a lot to do with you – regardless of whether you're the initiator or receiver. Are you willing to try – either to change or to forgive and let go of hurts? No relationship is impossible to fix. It's just a matter of willingness to make the effort."

Takeaways Regarding Helping Your Relationship Survive Self-Sabotage

Self-sabotage doesn’t have to be a permanent practice. Understanding the root causes of your behavior and working on your personal growth can help you break the cycle, and this is crucial if you want your relationship to survive self-sabotage.

If you’re the partner of someone who engages in self-sabotage and want your relationship to survive, you’ll need to be prepared to,

Be patient
Recognize and understand your partner’s behavior
Become empathetic
Participate in the rebuilding of trust and communication

While it will take time, effort, and patience, a relationship can not only survive self-sabotage, but thrive as a result of the growth and healing that comes with addressing it.

FAQs

Why do people self-sabotage when things are going well?

If you’ve been hurt or abandoned in the past, being comfortable with the stability of a healthy relationship can be difficult. Self-sabotage is a defense mechanism that pushes a person to hurt first in anticipation of being hurt themselves.

What should I do if I realize I’ve self-sabotaged after the relationship ends – can I get the relationship back?

Whether you can resurrect a relationship that ended because of self-sabotaging is highly dependent on the individual specifics of the relationship. Regardless, you can use the insights gained from your experience to modify your behavior going forward.

How do I help my partner if they’re the one self-sabotaging?

If your partner is sabotaging your relationship, you’ll need to do your best to help them see what they’re doing and how it’s affecting your relationship. Encourage them to seek the help of a counselor so they can hear it from an objective professional, and be prepared to set boundaries so your own needs are met and you’re not enabling their problematic behavior.