"How Can I Get My Husband to Love Me Again?"

    wife-trying-to-make-husband-love-her-again.jpgReader Question:

    How can I get my husband to love me again? He told me 5 months ago he wanted a divorce and that he wasn't in love with me anymore. He was going to leave after the holidays. They came and went and he stayed. He was going to leave in February then it was eventually now it is after our daughter graduates. He asked me to attend his family Easter dinner with him but still insists he is done. I am not sure that he is and that is why he hasn't left even when I told him to. He won’t do counseling and doesn't talk about his feelings. I feel he must still feel something if he hasn't left or filed for divorce. I think my husband is having a midlife crisis and doesn't know what he is doing. Is it too late to try and save my marriage and get my husband to love me again?" -Alissa

    WATCH DR. KURT TALK ABOUT WHEN THE LOVE IS GONE

    My Answer:

    “How can I get my husband to love me again?” is a question I hear from women a lot. First, we need to remember that we cannot ‘make’ another person do anything. A good phrase to keep in mind is “you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink.”This is a hard truth to accept when you love somebody and they don't love you back. However, fighting this truth just makes things worse.

    Second, it's hard to accept your partner's words when their behavior is inconsistent and contradictory. If your husband really isn't in love with you anymore and is done as he has told you he is then you're right that it doesn't make sense that he hasn't left. The reason is likely as you suspect because he's confused about what he wants and what he should do. Just as you're confused, so is he.

    Lastly, the way to get your husband to love you again is by drawing (attracting) him back to you, not by forcing him to love you. What drawing him back can look like will be different for everyone. The key is to focus less on fixing him and more on your self. When he sees you spending your energy on yourself rather than him it will likely get his attention.

    Here are some ideas on how else to answer the question, "how can I get my husband to love me again?"

    1. Give Him Space. A big mistake is to fear that letting him go means losing him, when actually you can lose somebody by holding on to them too tightly.
    2. Go to Counseling. Getting a professional's opinion on yourself and your relationship can be eye opening and invaluable. Don't worry that he won't go with you and go without him (marriage counseling can still work with only one person).
    3. Change Yourself. This could mean changing a behavior he dislikes, such as nagging or too often reminding him of the things he does wrong. It could possibly be something about your appearance. Above all, don't be desperate to keep him -- desperation is a big turnoff.

    TEST THE LOVE OF YOUR PARTNER WITH OUR 'IS THE LOVE GONE?' QUIZ

    I'm sure your husband has a lot of things he needs to change about himself, too. But it's a big mistake to focus there at first because he's probably not willing to hear that from you. Nevertheless, it is possible to get your husband to love you again. By changing ourselves our partners can become attracted to us and begin to love us again.

    No, I don't think it's ever too late to change ourselves and thereby change our relationship. Will this get your husband to love you again? I don't know and neither will you until you try. I've seen some pretty cold hearts soften though with this approach. I know it doesn't seem logical to focus on your self when he obviously has issues, but you have to accept that he's not ready to face them yet.

    So start where you can. How can I get my husband to love me again? Change yourself.

    -Kurt Smith, Marriage Counselor

    Wondering how to get your husband to love you too? Can you relate to any part of Alissa's story? Please share your experience with others below.

    Editor's Note: This post was originally published July 28, 2012 and has been updated with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.

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