You have this nagging feeling that your husband is no longer in love with you. Learn what to do next
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Contents
Doesn’t intimacy just mean sex?
Well, for many men it does.
But actually, intimacy comes in many forms. Yes, physical or sexual, but also mental, spiritual,
and the most common next to physical, emotional intimacy.
Emotional intimacy in marriage, or any committed relationship, is a crucial element in order for it to be happy, fulfilling, and long lasting.
Unfortunately, the majority of couples don’t have it – at least not to the level one or both partners would like.
And when you crave it and don’t have it, it can be excruciatingly painful.
I hear complaints about it all the time in marriage counseling. Things like –
But wait, none of those statements say anything about intimacy.
Correct.
Most people don’t use that phrase. Emotional intimacy is more of a clinical term. But when they say things like above, they’re describing what it’s like not to have it.
In addition to not always recognizing what’s missing, another complicating factor is that often one partner gets it that something’s missing, but the other doesn’t.
Wife: “We don’t talk.”
Husband: “What do you mean? We talk every day.”
Wife: “We never talk about us.”
Typically, when people use the word “intimacy” they’re referring to sex.
“We haven’t been intimate in a month.”
However, intimacy can actually describe a number of ways we can be close with another person, not just physically. Emotional, mental, spiritual are other forms of an intimate relationship.
A better way to define these types of relationship intimacy is closeness.
We can experience closeness with a partner physically and sexually, but also emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.
It’s crucial to clarify the meaning of intimacy for yourself and your partner. If you don’t, a statement like,
“We don’t have any intimacy,”
is going to have two different meanings.
For most guys that statement means we don’t have enough sex.
For most women it means we don’t have an emotional connection.
This is what the husband-wife exchange above was referring to when the wife said,
“We don’t talk about us.”
What she’s really saying is that they don’t have enough emotional intimacy in their marriage.
But her husband is probably still not getting that.
Again, it’s vital that you and your partner agree on what “intimacy” refers to in your relationship.
Two of the most frequent complaints in marriage counseling are about sexual intimacy and emotional intimacy. You can probably guess which sex typically complains about which one.
Sexual intimacy is pretty straightforward – we all know basically what that means.
Emotional intimacy on the other hand is much trickier, and subjective (it means one thing to one person and something else to another).
Yes, yes, and double YES.
It’s also showing interest, care, and concern. Basically, being loving toward your partner.
Here’s a marriage where emotional intimacy is missing –
My husband and I have had our differences of opinions over the attitude of his family towards me and he has not once stood up in my support to their demeaning behavior towards me. I have been struggling with him lately again over his lack of emotional availability after my mother passed away. He appears to have checked out of our marriage.
He has been yelling at me, is angry, restless, has insomnia and very low self esteem. I was under severe stress this year...I had a very difficult pregnancy, my son was born with a medical condition and I lost my mother who I was very close to. I also lost a few relatives this year. But my husband has not been able to say any comforting words to me or even touch me with a hug.
We have intimacy issues. I am recommending couples counseling but he is refusing. We have temporarily separated. What should I do?” -Erin
Romantic relationships develop because a connection forms.
And a connection forms for a number of reasons –
Emotional intimacy in marriage (or any relationship) isn’t automatic – it takes effort.
Often in a new relationship we don’t notice the effort though. In fact, it’s common to hear people say the relationship feels “effortless.”
This feeling of not having to ‘try’ almost never lasts and really isn’t true in the first place. It just doesn’t ‘feel’ like effort in the beginning (it will, just give it some time).
Unfortunately, because it’s so easy and natural in the beginning it leads most people to assume that it will always just be there. After all, if you really love someone then the intimacy should be automatic and effortless – right?
Reality check – uh, no.
As I said earlier, another way to describe emotional intimacy is closeness.
Closeness only happens if we make effort.
Building emotional intimacy in your marriage isn’t complicated. Here are a couple of ways to do it –
As I just explained, most typically, the emotional intimacy in a marriage isn’t there because partners stop making the effort to connect with each other. However, there’s another common killer of emotional intimacy in marriage – unloving behavior.
Here’s an example –
Where do I start 🙁 I'm searching for validation, encouragement, guidance, and to know I'm not crazy. I've been married for 16 years. Before we were married, my husband was caught cheating with a coworker. I married him anyway after he confessed everything and swore his love for me.
We were happy for several years until he started texting female coworkers and maintaining friendships with females I didn't know from his work. Still, I continued to trust. Over the past 3 years, text messages to other women have escalated. He's contacted old girlfriends with comments such as ‘I miss you.’ He reaches out to women he used to know by saying things like ‘I forever wish I would've asked you out.’ He's even said ‘I love you’ to two separate women. He tells women they're ‘amazing, a light in the world, the hottest girl in town.’ He's given out his phone number stating that he ‘doesn't trust Facebook.’ He didn’t know that I saw these before he deleted them, until I confronted him about it.
In our most recent confrontation, he claimed that he flirts with everyone, that it's just who he is. But, never once have I ever seen him flirt face to face with someone in my presence. How can this be ‘who he is?’ All of these women are attractive, by the way. He maintains that he's never had a physical relationship outside of marriage and doesn't understand how the things he's said to other women have destroyed the emotional intimacy and trust in our marriage.
He says he loves me but I just can't get over the fact that I'm expecting it to happen again. Every time he says ‘I love you,’ I think to myself...’yea, whatever.’ I can't let my wall down. During sex, all I can do is wonder who he's thinking about or hear the words he's typed to other women. I'm thinking of leaving. I can't go on like this. I just don't think I'll ever trust him.” -Kasie
There’s a lot going on here in Kasie’s marriage. If you can relate to any of this, you can learn more about these issues by reading other posts we’ve written –
As Kasie’s marriage shows, there’s nothing that destroys the emotional intimacy in a marriage faster than giving your interest, attention, or love away to someone else. If you do, another thing that gets destroyed and further impacts the intimacy is trust.
Remember the following about the emotional intimacy in your marriage –
A lot of people take it for granted and don’t realize how much they need emotional intimacy in their marriage until they don’t have it any more. I strongly recommend not being one of them.
Emotional intimacy is connection and closeness with your partner. It forms by showing interest, sharing thoughts and feelings, and having trust building behavior.
It’s crucial. Although women are typically much more aware of the need for it, men need it too. And when you have it, the other form of intimacy that men crave (sex) will most likely be there too.
Most likely because there’s a lack of effort by one or both of you to maintain it. It’s one of those things that often gets assumed will always be there. There’s also behavior that can destroy it.
Is emotional intimacy missing in your marriage? Please share with other readers what that looks like.
You have this nagging feeling that your husband is no longer in love with you. Learn what to do next
Many husbands (and wives) are not "in love" with their partners any longer.
Is your spouse Emotionally Detached from you and your marriage? Check out these 7 Signs of Emotional Detachment and see where your relationship stands.
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As I read this article all I thought it was written for my marriage. It really does feel horrible when your husband doesn’t even much look your way. It’s like if it bothered him if he was near me. I don’t even know how to explain it. Even when I try sharing something with him he’s not even paying attention half the time and the other half bothers him. Anything is an argument even throwing yesterdays spaghetti away ( there was like a cup left). And yeah he tells me he loves me because I ask him. He doesn’t say it on his own. I’m just the dumb one always asking, “ Do you still love me?” There no more closeness, touch, kiss , hug, much less sex. It just feels like he doesn’t care.