Why Do I Self-Sabotage My Relationship?

3 Min Read

Contents

Recognizing Self-Sabotage In A Relationship
Reasons For Self-Sabotage In A Relationship
Takeaways Regarding Self-Sabotage In Your Relationship
FAQs

Things are going great – you’re in love, get along, and you finally know why the phrase “You complete me” makes sense.

And then . . . you screw up. And you do it in a way that seems almost intentional, leaving you asking yourself,

Why do I self-sabotage my relationship?”

Self-sabotage in relationships is emotionally draining and often jeopardizes the relationship's survival by undermining trust and the connection between partners.

So, what can you do?

Start by understanding the signs of self-sabotage in a relationship and the reasons people do it.

Recognizing Self-Sabotage In A Relationship

Recognizing how self-sabotage manifests is the first step toward breaking the cycle.

Unfortunately, those signs are not as easy to see as you might think, especially if you’re the perpetrator.

Dr. Kurt has frequently worked with couples trying to survive self-sabotage. According to him,

Self-sabotaging your relationship is not only hard to recognize but can be even harder to change. This is because the reasons for it are often subconscious, as well as psychologically complicated. Addressing them means navigating a maze that's very hard to navigate without an experienced copilot. And what's required to stop sabotaging behavior is rewiring brain pathways that drive fears, insecurities, trauma wounds, etc."

Self-sabotaging behaviors are often subtle, making them difficult to spot. But if you can begin to identify patterns that indicate you may be undermining your relationship you can also begin to stop them.

So, what should you look for?

Testing your partner

Doing things to purposefully test your partner’s love or loyalty is a sign of self-sabotage.

What it can look like:

Starting unnecessary arguments
Passive-aggressive comments
Creating drama out of nothing

Push-pull dynamics

Pulling your partner close emotionally and then pushing them away can be a sign of self-destructive relationship behavior. Inconsistency of affection and love can destroy a relationship.

What it can look like:

Wanting to talk and be close one day, withdrawing and being cold the next.
Desiring physical affection and withholding emotional affection (or the reverse).
Making insensitive comments when your partner is vulnerable to you.

Avoidance

Open communication is a big part of a healthy relationship. But if you avoid important topics or retreat when things get difficult it’s a sign of self-sabotage.

What it can look like:

Refusing to discuss the future or make future plans
Skirting emotional conversations
Inability to express your deep feelings or deal with your partner’s deep feelings.

Hurtful behavior

When you do things that you know will cause pain to your partner, it can be a form of self-sabotage.

What it can look like:

Disregarding essential events or moments (i.e., birthdays, promotions, good news)
Flirting or cheating
Rude, sarcastic, or mean-spirited comments.

Reasons For Self-Sabotage In A Relationship

Self-sabotage in a relationship doesn’t come out of nowhere, and it’s not accidental. When it occurs, it’s due to deeper issues that the saboteur may not even recognize.

The most common reasons for relationship-damaging behavior include,

1. Fear of vulnerability

One of the biggest reasons for self-sabotage in a relationship is the fear of vulnerability.

If you’ve experienced the pain of betrayal or rejection by someone you loved (as many of us have), it’s natural to be wary about allowing yourself to become vulnerable again.

While the desire to protect yourself from the potential pain is natural, the walls you build to do this can also prevent intimacy and emotional closeness.

Fearing vulnerability can mean you subconsciously push your partner away by being distant, emotionally unavailable, or even critical and verbally caustic. The result is pushing your partner to the point where they feel rejected and unwanted.

2. Low self-esteem and self-worth

Low self-esteem can also play a big role in self-sabotage.

If you don’t believe you’re worthy of love or happiness, you may self-sabotage to confirm these beliefs. This can mean you might,

Accept unkind or abusive behavior
Repeatedly try to test your partner’s affection
Continually ask them to prove their love

3. Unresolved insecurities

Insecurities can cause you to misinterpret your partner’s actions or be overly critical of yourself.

These tendencies can stem from past experiences where you felt unimportant or inadequate.

4. Fear of abandonment

If you’ve experienced abandonment or neglect in your past you might subconsciously push partners away before they have a chance to leave you.

This may seem counterintuitive – why push someone away when you’re actually afraid of losing them? Because pushing someone away is often a defense mechanism that guards you against the pain of being left behind.

5. Trauma from past relationships

Previous relationships that involved manipulation, betrayal, or abuse can leave deep scars.

The emotional trauma from these relationships can make it hard for you to trust your partner, no matter how much they try to love you.

Because these reasons all have a psychological root, counseling help is often required in order to heal.

Takeaways Regarding Self-Sabotage In Your Relationship

If you have a pattern of self-sabotaging your relationships, it can feel like a never-ending cycle. But understanding the signs and reasons for this behavior can help you break the cycle and create long-lasting, healthy relationships.

If you’re in a relationship and find yourself undermining it, know that you can make changes and potentially repair the damage. But it will take special attention and work (likely with the assistance of a professional counselor).

FAQs

What does it mean to “self-sabotage” a relationship?

Self-sabotaging means engaging, often subconsciously, in behavior that can damage or undermine one's connection to one's partner. It’s generally considered a defense mechanism used by someone who’s been hurt in the past and is afraid of being hurt again.

Can a relationship survive self-sabotage?

Yes, but it requires effort from both partners. The person sabotaging must be willing to work on their behavior and make the needed changes. Their partner must be supportive and encouraging without enabling the behavior.