He Doesn't Love Me, But Why?


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    Part 1 of 2

    Have you ever thought your husband doesn't love you and wondered why?

    Maybe you’ve asked him, and he says he does, but you still don't feel it.

    Or maybe he says he's changed, or you've changed.

    Perhaps he just ignores you.

    Regardless, if you're left feeling confused and struggling with the painful thought, “He doesn't love me,” you undoubtedly want to know why and what you can do about it.


    Feeling that your partner doesn’t love you is incredibly painful.

    Unfortunately, that feeling isn’t uncommon in long-term relationships. But being common doesn’t mean it’s okay or healthy.

    If you’re feeling that your husband no longer loves you, the good news is there’s probably something you can do about it.

    Why Doesn’t He Love Me Anymore?

    When you love someone who doesn't love you back there are a variety of different scenarios that can occur.

    • You can be single and be interested in somebody who isn't really interested in you back - we've all probably experienced that in some form or another.

    • But the most common situation when one person loves and the other doesn’t, and where it's most problematic, is for those in an actual relationship.

    If you're in a committed relationship with somebody, perhaps a marriage, it most likely started out as a loving relationship. And if it has now turned into one that feels one-sided then you’re probably feeling lonely, lost, and confused.


    The typical reason for these feelings is the tendency for people to grow apart.

    If we're not intentional about really growing the relationship and working at building love continually, we're going to slowly drift apart. This can happen to all couples if they’re not careful.

    So, we all have to keep a focus on keeping love active and alive - nourishing it like we would a garden.

    The answer to why he doesn’t love you can be partly found here – you’ve grown apart.

    If he says you both have changed, and that's why he doesn't love you, the above is generally how that happens.

    To help you begin to answer why he doesn't love you, let's look at some excerpts (in italics) from my Google Hangouts on Loving Someone Who Doesn't Love You.

    Growing apart is typical. One of the problems that causes this is life stressors. We've all got demands like work, kids, dealing with money, health and extended family issues. All these things can interfere with being able to really feel like we're engaged with our partner.

    There can be other things that can be contributing to growing apart. Attraction can be gone, and a lot of times when we hear that, in particular for men, we think it's sexual attraction. We don't find our partner sexually attractive. Actually, for a lot of guys it isn't so much that. A lot of times they just don't feel attracted to their partner because of some relationship and behavioral type things. I was working with a guy last year and he described his partner, when they would talk and deal with issues, like a pit bull who would just continually come after and after and after him. It wasn’t so much that he wasn’t attracted to her physically, he wasn’t attracted to her emotionally because of how she treated him.

    In answering your question, why he doesn't love me, you've got to be willing to look at yourself too and see how you could be contributing to his not feeling love towards you.


    So, the attraction can take on several different components, which can lead into us feeling like we don't love the other person and then the other person feels like their loving someone who doesn't love them back. Other things that can develop a lot of times when we are not feeling loved is we can reach outside the relationship. We run into affairs happening. Sometimes there can be midlife crisis events happening for people. A lot of times that’s what men struggle with. Or there can be other things that are taking attention away, like porn and those types of things.

    What You Can Do If Your Husband Doesn’t Love You

    If it feels like your husband no longer loves you it doesn’t have to be the end of your marriage.

    There are actually ways to bring love back, but doing that will take some work.

    It may also mean facing some uncomfortable truths about yourself and your contribution to the current circumstances. In a situation like this some fault usually lies on both sides. That can be difficult to accept.

    The upside, however, is that it also means you have some power to change things.


    • Start by looking in the mirror. Do you like the person you see? Feeling that you do is the first step on the way to bringing the love back to your marriage.

      Once you have evaluated your part, you’ll need to work on changing the areas you can control.

      You can’t force him to love you, but you can choose behaviors that remind him of the person he fell in love with and why he loved you in the first place.

    • Next, talk to him about how you’re feeling. Not in an accusatory or complaining manner, but in a calm, rational one.

      It’s possible he doesn’t know you’re feeling this way or realize he’s contributing to it.

    • Consider marriage counseling. There’s often an inverse relationship between the number of years together and good communication.

      A marriage counselor can help you reconnect by giving you the tools for effective communication and as a result you may understand each other better and begin to rebuild the love.

    We all grow and change, there’s nothing wrong with that. But if you’ve lost sight of who are or were, or have become someone you don’t recognize, then chances are he’s noticed too.


    What To Take Away

    Love seems simple, but it’s really pretty complicated. And feeling like your husband doesn't love you anymore is one of the most difficult complications.

    If you’re feeling like your husband’s stopped loving you, remember the following:

    • It’s possible that a lack of communication is at the heart of the disconnect between you.

    • Problems in a marriage are almost never the fault of just one partner. So, take a look at how you may be contributing to the situation.

    • He’s not a mind reader, so talk to him about how you’re feeling.

    • Consider couples counseling to help you each find your way back to loving each other.

    This is just the first stage of beginning to understand why you feel he doesn't love me, and the possible reasons why he really may not love you, at least not like he used to.

    In the next article, When He Doesn't Love You Back, we'll discuss some of the other factors in why couples don't love each other anymore.

    Editor's Note: This post was originally published Aug 31, 2013 updated on September 29, 2020, and has been updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.


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