He Doesn't Love Me, But Why?

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    You say he doesn't love me, and wonder why. You ask him, and he says he does, but you still don't feel it. Or maybe he says he's changed, or you've changed. Or maybe he just ignores you. So you're left with the pain of feeling he doesn't love me.

    To help you begin to answer why he doesn't love you, let's look at some excerpts from my Google Hangouts on Loving Someone Who Doesn't Love You.

    The topic today is talking about a specific problem related to relationships and that’s loving someone who doesn't love you. I am going to talk a little bit about some of the situations where that happens, some of the ones that I typically run into in the counseling that I do, and make a couple of suggestions.


    In the situation when you're loving someone who doesn't love you a lot of times that can happen in some different scenarios. You can be single and be interested in somebody who isn't really interested in you back; we've all probably experienced that in some form or another. Commonly when this happens, and where it's most problematic, is when you're in an actual relationship. You're in a committed relationship with somebody; could be marriage. It started out as a loving relationship, and it has turned into one where it feels like it's just one-sided.

    The typical reasons for that most commonly is just that people have a tendency to grow apart. If we're not intentional about really growing the relationship and working at building love continually, we're going to slowly drift apart. That commonly happens for all couples, so we have to be intentional about keeping the love active and alive -- really kind of nourishing it like we would a garden.


    The answer to why doesn't he love me could be partly found here. If he tells you you both have changed, and that's why he doesn't love you, the above is how that happens.

    Growing apart is typical. One of the problems that causes this is life stressors. We've all got demands like work, kids, dealing with money, health and extended family issues. All these things can interfere with being able to really feel like we're engaged with our partner.

    There can be other things that can be contributing to growing apart. Attraction can be gone, and a lot of times when we hear that, in particular for men, we think it's sexual attraction. We don't find our partner sexually attractive. Actually, for a lot of guys it isn't so much that. A lot of times they just don't feel attracted to their partner because of some relationship and behavioral type things. I was working with a guy last year and he described his partner, when they would talk and deal with issues, like a pit bull who would just continually come after and after and after him. It wasn’t so much that he wasn’t attracted to her physically, he wasn’t attracted to her emotionally because of how she treated him.


    In answering your question, why he doesn't love me, you've got to be willing to look at yourself and see how you could be contributing to his not feeling love towards you.

    So the attraction can take on several different components, which can lead into us feeling like we don't love the other person and then the other person feels like their loving someone who doesn't love them back. Other things that can develop a lot of times when we are not feeling loved is we can reach outside the relationship. We run into affairs happening. Sometimes there can be midlife crisis events happening for people; a lot of times that’s what men struggle with. Or there can be other things that are taking attention away like porn and those types of things.

    Love is simple, but also very complicated. This is just the first stage of beginning to understand why you feel he doesn't love me, and the possible reasons why he really may not love you, at least not like he used to. In the next post, When He Doesn't Love You Back, we'll discuss some of the other factors in why couples don't love each other anymore.


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