You have this nagging feeling that your husband is no longer in love with you. Learn what to do next
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Why would a wife ever think, “My husband doesn’t like me?” That’s the opposite of what marriage is supposed to be, which we all know is not only “I like you,” but “I love you.”
Anyone who’s been married has had moments where they’ve been unhappy, angry, felt unloved, or possibly even disliked their partner. That’s to be expected and it’s completely normal.
However, for some spouses those frustrating and painful moments turn into the norm rather than the exception. This can ultimately lead to believing and not just feeling that it’s true your spouse doesn’t like you. And often the actions or words from their partner only reinforce this belief.
So, how does a wife go from feeling my husband doesn’t like me to believing it?
Keep reading and I’ll show you how with several real-life examples. Maybe it’s even happened to you.
Most often when a wife comes to believe her husband doesn’t like her it’s because she’s been told exactly that - “I don’t like you.”
My husband and I have been together for 16 years we have just celebrated our 9th wedding anniversary together. I arranged a wedding weekend out of town. The 1st day we got there was nice, the 2nd day all he did was talk about his ex girlfriend. He goes on to say how much he misses their conversation. He also said that after what she did to him he could never love another like he loved her. He said what she did to him also took a part in his heart, so he only has 75% to give. He tells me he doesn't love me. He tells me he’s not in love with me and worst he tells me he doesn’t even like me. Still. I love him and I wanna make my marriage work.” -Cilari
Not liking someone isn’t always communicated in words, sometimes it’s expressed in actions, or non-actions.
If a husband,
understandably she may start to feel her husband doesn’t like her.
Telling your partner you don’t like them on any kind of repetitive basis is a form of verbal abuse.
It can also become mental abuse if it becomes generalized into some form of “no one likes you.” (See the next real-life quote below for an example).
Not liking things is normal. We all have things we don’t like – broccoli, getting up in the morning, exercising – but not liking the person we’re supposed to love? That shouldn’t be considered normal, especially if it’s an ongoing feeling and not momentary.
A husband who dislikes his wife is likely to be –
He may even be depressed, and not just about his marital situation.
It’s a fact that the persons closest to us usually get the truest of our feelings – good and bad. So, if a husband is unhappy, for whatever reason, most likely his wife is going to feel it the most.
Unfortunately, and sadly, being told “I don’t like you” is one of the ways these negative feelings can come out.
Here is the issue - he gets angry, cannot calm down, anger lingers over 20 min, sometimes carrying over to the next day. He shuts down, refuses to talk and problem solve, just name calling and saying he doesn’t like me. He is often on edge and argumentative – difficulty seeing things other than his perspective and solutions to the point of anger outbursts, name calling/putdowns, and later too ashamed to apologize, saying I/others made him angry and he has a right to get angry and yell and scream if someone makes him angry.” -Kate
Most often “I don’t like you” is said in moments of anger, such as when a couple is fighting.
It’s intended to hurt the other partner. And often is more about the feeling in the moment rather than how they feel all the time.
Its similar to a child saying, “I hate you!” to their parents when frustration becomes overwhelming, and they haven’t yet developed the tools to manage their emotions.
Your husband saying he doesn’t like you can also be about execising power over you.
A statement like this can be a form of gaslighting. Its intent is always to hurt and make you feel the level of hurt they feel, but it could also be used to manipulate and control.
My husband brings up everything he says is wrong with me any time I question his words or actions and request that he treat me decently. He has told me in the past three days that I should make it look like an accident if I kill myself, that if I don't shut up he will knock me out, that I shouldn't have wasted time eating lunch while working from home, that my family and everyone else doesn’t like me, that he will divorce me and take our three kids if I do leave, that he will divorce me as soon as our youngest is 18, and that he doesn’t like me. He has agreed when I asked if, indeed, that was what he meant, that I am worthless and should kill myself. Do I have to divorce him? What if he tries to take our children? I keep crying and telling him I love him and I don't want to fight and I'm trying my best, but he shouts in my face that no one likes me and to leave him alone. I'm crushed and want to be a good mother and wife and person. I'm so sad. I want to work it out if I can. Can I make this work? I can't tell anyone.” -Jo
Jo’s husband is being verbally and mentally abusive.
Does he truly not like anything about her?
He says it and sure acts like it.
In situations like this it’s hard to know for sure. Her husband has some deeper psychological issues that need to be resolved first before even he will truthfully know how he really feels about her.
Frequently statements like “I don’t like you,” “I never loved you,” or if your husband even says he hates you, are forms of hyperbole.
These are exaggerated statements used to evoke strong feelings and elicit a response, but not meant to be taken literally.
Of course, that’s easier said than done if you’re on the receiving end (like Cilari, Kate and Jo), especially if it’s being screamed at you 6 inches from your face.
Statements of not liking someone can also sometimes be a form of projection. This is a psychological defense response intended to protect a person from uncomfortable thoughts and feelings, often about oneself, by applying them to someone else.
In other words, your husband may actually not like himself or fear you don’t like or love him.
Confused yet?
Consider this – don’t we all try to avoid people and things we don’t like?
We do, right?
So, if your husband doesn’t like you wouldn’t he leave?
I know leaving a marriage is a difficult decision and complicated process, but if he really truly does not like you to the extent he claims, wouldn’t he do something about it?
Just give this some thought.
I don’t know what to do. I know I don’t need this in my life or my kids life. I can’t help loving him and hoping for him to be back. I’m lost. One day he loves me and the next one he doesn’t like me at all.” -Jennifer
Jennifer’s husband illustrates the confusion (often for both partners) that usually underlies statements about not liking your spouse.
Since you don’t have control over what your husband thinks, feels, or says you can’t actually make it stop. What you can control is exposing yourself to it.
If you’re told “I don’t like you” by your husband on a regular basis then you’re in an abusive relationship.
Not only is the love inconsistent or possibly gone, but the relationship has become the opposite of loving. This truth is something you need to force yourself to accept. However, this doesn’t mean it has to stay this way forever, but it’s the reality right now.
Accepting this truth, despite what you want to believe, is one of the toughest hurdles to overcome in getting “I don’t like you” statements to stop.
Ironically, the person being told this can actually be part of the problem.
Complicating these tendencies even more is the fact that abusive relationships are often like being on a rollercoaster, with the person shifting from “I don’t like you” in words and actions to actually being somewhat caring at times, possibly even saying “I love you” once in a while (see Jennifer’s quote above).
So, which is it???
Probably both, but even so this doesn’t change the deep hurt and damage caused when we say we don’t like our partner.
There are further strategies you can use to lessen it happening, such as setting boundaries or avoiding certain situations when it’s likely the statement or behavior will occur, such as when your husband is drinking too much.
If you’re thinking “my husband doesn’t like me” that’s a pretty painful and depressing place to be. So much so that it can sap the energy out of you to do anything to change it.
But if this is the situation you’ve found yourself in, remember the following:
If this is you, talk to someone – a family member, friend, or counselor. It can be embarrassing and shameful to admit, but stopping abusive behavior requires breaking the silence and doing something about it.
Has your husband told you he doesn’t like you? Share the ways he’s done that and other readers will probably respond
Editor's Note: This post was originally published June 17, 2021 and has been updated with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
You have this nagging feeling that your husband is no longer in love with you. Learn what to do next
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My husband said he ls not crazy on going on vacations with me cause 5 years ago l did kind of was being rude on the bus ride home from the airport l was not feeling well
So he said he was so embarrassed and ls afraid lt will happen again l said lt won't we went to the Carolinas for 3 days and had a blast but we drove why can't he let 5 years ago gone ? We have been together for 4o years and have been on many trips l believe he will come around and give ln but what LL f he does not l don't want to be with someone whom doesn't want to be with me other wise we get along fine can u help di I think something fishy ls going on he ls good to me otherwise can someone help should l leave him ? 4o years ls a long time l would appreciate some help on this ty so much
Carol, Holding on to hurts and resentments is pretty common - and destructive. This is fixable and shouldn't be something that ends your marriage. You'd benefit from a counselor helping you both to talk through and resolve this. If your husband won't go with you, go without him. It's much cheaper and less painful than a divorce. -Dr. Kurt
Terrible examples in this article. The quoted scenarios are all forms of abuse. This article should read, do you have an abusive husband. Terrible.
Jackie, You're right, they are abusive. And I say so repeatedly in the article. But most people in abusive relationships don't see the abuse. That's why the article is titled with a more typical way they see it - "He doesn't like me." -Dr. Kurt
I had my husband of over 20 years yell at me that I talked too much and he didn't like the things I talk about, as they don't interest him, and that I should find more interesting topics.
This made me very upset and hurt my feelings (I did start to tear up). After gathering my composure I managed to muster courage to mention that I talk about the things that happen to me. I go to work and I go grocery shopping, I got nothing else. He said "Well you better figure it out!".
I was crying at this point and when he asked why I was crying I told him that I felt so sad about what he had just said, and he said that my feelings were not his fault. I was left kind of stunned.
This happened a while ago, but I am still stunned. I love him. This confuses the hell out of me though. I do not tell him about anything now unless he asks or brings it up or if it is necessary. It still makes me sad.
Hey L.L.
First of all, I am so sorry this was your experience. Very sadly, my husband has lashed out at me in an identical way. It's perfectly fine for him to go on about his work and family and his video games, but he doesn't want to hear one word about my work, family or other interested as they "bore" him or "stress him out". Then of course he complains that I don't talk to him anymore. What else am I supposed to talk about when apart from work, we do everything together (because he doesn't want me doing anything that might be "fun" without him)?
It's a sad and isolating feeling and also, not a healthy situation. I highly recommend finding a therapist you connect with as it will be an absolute lifesave for our mental health!
Thank you for the reply. Just came back here to mope. I have now been told I ruin movies for him by talking too much and not allowing him to be immersed in them. I also guess endings too accurately which makes the movie lose it's luster for him. At home it's hard not to comment and do other things when there's a pause button. My executive disfunction makes it hard not to speak at times. He knows this but doesn't believe it's true. Ugh. I'm tired.
My husband and I were talking today and I made a comment that wow we have been together for 7 years now, amd that I thought we were doing pretty good... he says really? You still like me and so I said of course I do. Do you still like me and I was met with silence and then a quiet I still love you.. I asked him to clarify and he said the last few months have been hard so I don't really like you right now (mind you I just gave birth 3 months ago..) I'm at a loss and heartbroken. The person your married to should like you and love you. So I'm having a hard time