A marriage can be a fulfilling and happy partnership when things are going well. Unfortunately, for many couples, their marriage can become difficult and painful as the years go by. Especially if the love that was shared at the beginning fades or goes away completely. I often work with couples in this situation and hear frequently from wives who are asking how they can make their husbands love them again. Below is just such a question from one of our readers and my response.
How do you make your husband love you?
Recently my husband informed me that he has never felt physically or sexually attracted to me. We did not sleep together before we were married, so he thought once we started having sex the feelings would come. He believes that this is the way it is and he will never find me attractive or be turned on by me. He is also feeling we lack an emotional "in love" connection. Since these emotional needs have not been met by me, he has had other women meet them (not physically, emotionally). So how do you make your husband love you? I believe attraction and chemistry can be built. Is this true?" -Sheri
Sheri isn’t alone. There are many couples who, as time goes on, question why they got married and feel that there was never any real attraction, or even love, to begin with. Obviously, a marriage like this isn’t a happy or healthy one, and often people in this circumstance just give up. But that’s not the only option - there are ways you can bring your marriage back to a happy state. Check out my advice to Sheri below.
You’re not alone in asking the question, “how do you make your husband love you?" Other wives ask that question too, and many of the couples I counsel share the same problems you and your husband are facing.
You're correct in believing that attraction and chemistry can be built. Let's try to understand what's probably going on for your husband and with that we'll find some answers on how to get your husband to love you.
- First, people often wrongly assume that when they get married feelings will change and things will get better, but things only change with effort to change, not with "I Do."
- Second, I assume that because your husband did marry you that he does find some things about you attractive. They may not be physical or sexual, but that's okay. One of the misperceptions about sex is that it requires raging sexual attraction for sex to be good. That's a myth that has been created by our media saturated culture. Sex is a physical expression of the relationship. When your relationship is close mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically, sexual attraction just naturally develops. When other areas of your relationship improve, your husband may be surprised to find himself sexually attracted to you. This is one of the answers to how to make your husband want you.
- Third, another false belief that a lot of people have is that they should naturally and automatically feel 'in love' just by being together. Love is not just a feeling, but also a choice and an action. When your husband practices making better choices about the ways he loves you, like not connecting with other women, he may find that he'll become more attracted to you.
It's possible that your husband has a longstanding habit of meeting emotional and other needs outside his relationship with you. For example, I'm counseling a couple right now who just married and did not have sex before marriage too. This husband used porn regularly to manage not having sex while they were dating and has had a tough time being sexually attracted to his wife too. But that's begun to change as we've changed his habits.
Going outside the relationship to meet needs that are supposed to be met inside the relationship is extremely common. This can happen in many ways - like using friends on Facebook to connect emotionally with others rather than your partner; having too close of a connection with family members, such as a mother; or being addicted to porn like the guy above. How Do You Make Your Husband Love You? You stop tolerating and accepting your husband getting his emotional needs met by other women.
Lastly, there are some other possible reasons why your husband isn’t sexually attracted to you that have to do with the dynamics within your relationship. Here are a few those possibilities: he's unhappy with how he's treated by you; he may not feel respected, appreciated or valued by you; he may believe that you nag or treat him like you're his mother; there could be weight, hygiene or other ways you take care of yourself that he doesn't find appealing, but has not been honest with you about. More than likely, if any of these are true, you're not doing any of it intentionally.
Okay, that's a lot of possible answers to the question of how do you make your husband love you? So where do you start to begin to get things to change?
I'd start by finding a good time to talk to your husband, when the two of you can be alone and not distracted, tell him that you love him and want things to get better between the two of you, then show him this post, ask him to read it, and tell you what parts he can relate to. When you start to have an honest conversation, you'll start to understand how to get your husband to love you.
Making Someone Love You Is Possible – But You Can’t Force It
There's actually research behind the idea that you can make someone fall in love with you. I hate to contradict all the poets and singers out there, but it’s not all fate, kismet, or written in the stars. However, it’s something that takes effort, the right circumstances, and it can’t be rushed.
One would think that falling back in love also requires that there is, or was, a certain amount of feeling or caring to begin with. While this can help, it’s not a necessity. I’ve seen patients fall in love for the first time after years of being together. Even though it’s possible, it’s not easy though. And it almost never occurs without the expert guidance of an experienced, professional counselor.
If you're like Sheri and wondering how to make your husband love you, know that it can be done. With effort and the proper approach the love can come back to your relationship.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published Feb 28, 2013. It has been updated for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Looking for More? Check Out These Articles
- You're Feeling Alone, But You're Still In Love
- When Your Husband Won't Say "I Love You" To You
- I Want To Have Sex, But My Husband Won't
- Get More Help When the Love is Gone