You have this nagging feeling that your husband is no longer in love with you. Learn what to do next
6 Min Read
Contents
I never know what I’m going to get when someone comes for counseling. I’ve heard a lot over 20+ years and so I’m not usually shocked. But I was a bit taken back when Sean started out by saying, “I hate my wife and I hate my life.”
Typically, it takes a little while to get people to finally open up and tell me why they’ve really come to counseling. Often, it’s about something big, like “I’m having an affair” or “He drinks too much.”
Sometimes I get, “We’re great, except for this one thing.”
And once in a while it’s something really all-encompassing like, “I hate my wife, I hate my life.”
Where do you go from there? That’s kinda everything.
I told Sean,
Man, you just made me depressed!
I don’t know. I guess.”
Sadly, Sean’s far from alone. When you’re unhappy with your romantic life, it can bleed into every other part of your life, leaving you unhappy with all of our life.
Unhappy is different from hate though. Hate is a really strong word to use.
People can say, “I hate you” in the heat of the moment, but to feel that level of dislike for your partner persistently is a whole other thing.
So, hating your wife and hating your life is pretty overwhelming.
When a husband feels this way about his wife, he typically obsesses on it.
Unfortunately, not being able to let it go only intensifies the thought and feeling.
This can cause:
It creates a horrible negative feedback loop between thoughts about hating her and feelings of hate – one feeding and whipping up the other in increasing intensity.
Our mind often goes to question asking too. Such as:
And examples are generated and replayed over and over again to justify the belief.
Analysis is done of her intentions, motivations, and causes for her behavior – her parents got divorced when she was a kid, her dad cheated on her mom and now she thinks I’m doing that to her, her mother is really controlling, “She’s bat sh-t crazy...”
Comparing your wife to others you know, and your marriage to other marriages is common.
We search for explanations on our side too.
Maybe –
The power of hating your wife and your life can be a trigger for a midlife crisis. Which, unfortunately, only feeds the thoughts and feelings as the unhappiness increases.
Understandably, this is a depressing thought. I don’t know how you can think and feel it and not be depressed. So, hating your wife is also a cause of depression.
Is there anything good that results?
I don’t see it.
Now that doesn’t mean you should change how you feel about her, but it does mean you should change how you handle the feeling and let it control you.
I’m married for 21 years, got 3 beautiful kids, nice home and well off. My wife has never been happy, can never find a nice or positive thing to say. She does not work, she takes my daughter to school, the two boys have cars now. She has called me everything bad and horrible under the sun, tears me to shreds verbally, and has hit me and kicked me for years until one day 4 years back I said if you do that again I will hit back and I did. She never hit me again. She does not have to do house work or anything as we have help in house and garden. She is meant to make me meals and that seldom happens and when it does its disgusting and overcooked. She just leaves dishes and food out after diner and the food spoils by morning. She is meant to keep the home and make it nice, she doesn't. I have this feeling of resentment and disdain for her as she is so f-ing lazy. My older son says he doesn't know how I take it. I love my family and don't want a divorce but fear I am starting to hate my wife because she is so lame, negative and abusive and just never grateful. I’ve stayed because I don't want to break my daughters heart and be away from her.” -Jerry
Many husbands who hate their wives feel stuck, like Jerry. They stay for reasons such as their kids, convenience, lifestyle, or don’t want to lose their retirement savings.
Rather than change anything (there are other changes than just divorce), they suck it up (or stuff it away) and stay.
Which leads to not only hating your wife, but also hating your life.
Hating your life and hating your wife aren’t always linked, but they often are.
It’s possible to hate your wife, but still love your job, kids, or golf.
But hating your life means pretty much everything.
However, it’s often a general, blanket statement that often lacks much specificity.
Why do you hate your life?
A guy I’m counseling said this week –
I don’t wake up happy. I don’t go to bed happy. I wake up stressed. I go to bed stressed.”
Here’s another guy –
I’m in another state working. I’m going from site to site doing the same evaluation over and over again. It’s boring as hell. And while I’m gone my wife is at it again, accusing me of cheating, just like she does every time I leave town. My daughter’s school called yesterday and says they think she’s distributing drugs and needs to be drug tested. My son is out of control and my wife gives back every punishment I give him. I hate her for all of it. I hate my life at home and hate it at work.” -Armando
For a lot of us it’s not that difficult to get to a point where we feel like there’s nothing good in our life.
When you hate your wife and life you really are in a mental prison.
While the reasons for hating are real, the prison is one of our own making.
The truth is we control our feelings – other people or our circumstances do not. Learning how to manage our feelings is a crucial life skill for everyday life, but especially for times like this.
How can you escape the hate prison you’re in?
It’s not just husbands who are negatively impacted either.
I've been married for 32yrs. My marriage is I think over. My husband hates me. We still live together. He's always been verbally abusive. I got tired and left the bedroom for good. I know he's not cheating, except maybe on the weekends where he’s not here all day. Is it possible for a person to love and hate you at the same time?” -Sue
Yes, it’s very possible that your husband both loves and hates you. Most men who hate their wife and their life are confused. Not only about what to do and what they want, but also about how they really feel.
They need help sorting it all out, but sadly most won’t get it.
If you hate your and hate your life, what should you do?
Here are a couple things you can do and questions you can ask to get yourself started:
Most people run away from things they don’t like. And that’s the most common response when men hate their wife and hate their life, but there are a lot of negatives that come with that choice. So, don’t make running away your response.
Do you hate your wife? Hate your life? Please share why so other readers can give you feedback and support.
You have this nagging feeling that your husband is no longer in love with you. Learn what to do next
Many husbands (and wives) are not "in love" with their partners any longer.
Is your spouse Emotionally Detached from you and your marriage? Check out these 7 Signs of Emotional Detachment and see where your relationship stands.
© 2025 Guy Stuff Counseling & Coaching, APC, All Rights Reserved.
Privacy Policy | Sitemap | Do Not Sell or Share My Information
Featured logos are trademarks of their respective owners.
200 words cannot express what I am going through.
My wife and I first met in high school, and I was madly in love. I am a super nice guy but I can be equally as prickly. While in high school, my parents were divorcing, and as the oldest, a lot of the burden fell on me. My dad was abusive, and my mom kept taking him back until he finally left for a girl a couple years older than me, who I also worked with. He didn’t abuse me because I was too old and big to stand for his BS, so he would wait until I was gone to torment my mother and siblings. All of this made me even more prickly, to my then girlfriend, though she never asked me how I was coping at 17-18. We find out she’s pregnant, and within a month, dumps me, and has a new boyfriend. I think the kid likely isn’t mine, but upon seeing him, it was obvious he was mine. Had to sue her for custody rights and visitation. Fast forward 4 years, she decides she wants me back. I desperately wanted to be with my son, so I took her back thinking I could forgive and work through the past. I was wrong. She’s a pretty decent wife, nags some, but I don’t love her. At least not in the way she wants. I don’t want to be affectionate, or anything with her. She has been a homemaker for most of our marriage, and we’ve done fairly well. That is until, after her nagging about missing her parents, I relented and moved back to our home state, that I always hated. It’s killed our finances, and deepening resentment towards her. I don’t want to divorce though. I figure I’ll just gut it out. I love my kids (we had more) too much.
My wife and I have been married for 7 years. She was an only child and I have 2 siblings. She seems to have no concept of inconveniencing others. She has bad manners, she's loud and arrogant. I have put up with it for a long time. Now that I'm almost 50, I find myself wondering if I really want to keep going. We went to marriage counseling for 3 years. I stopped it because I felt it couldn't fix the underlying problem. My wife is an entitled bitch.
3 Years of counseling, You must be broke by now? Find a Nice Bar and settle Down? Try the Moose, Elks, Eagles, VFW OR American Legion! They might not fix the Problem but after hearing their Problems you won't feel so bad about yourself? Go in Peace my Son and sin no more!
Married 30 yrs and hate my wife. If i never saw her again Id be a happy man. But I dont want to lose my 10 yr old. Wife has already turned her against me so she wouldn't "pick" me in a divorce anyway. Do I stay or leave?
You must feel awful and alone. I feel your pain. I have similar feelings, though different situation with my wife. Not a happy story- mine and yours doesn’t sound good either but at the very least it is good not to feel alone for once.
My wife and I have been together for 3 years and I'm not sure if I hate her or not. I have identify myself on a lot of things said in this articule and in the comments section, I fell my wife is always telling me what I'm doing wrong, what I'm still acting like a kid, that I'm not a man and that I destroy our family; right now she's living with her mom and siblings and she took our son, I was alone in the room I rent in my parents house but move to my another room in my grandparents house now as she feel It was not good for me to be there as she believe my parents make me like this and that I was going to go and look pornography and touch myself (as I did during a time when I was being overwhelm) I lost my tempter to quickly now I most of the time I end up yelling and she ends up cursing at me or yelling too and even more occasionally punching me or scratching me even kick me sometimes, she always look on my google accounts what am I searching and if there's something she doesn't like I have to apologize and then deal with a 3-4 days argument because of it, I have stop using YouTube, any social media, I have stop talking with people as if a female speak with me indicates I am seeking for attention, I have wish to die multiple times as I don't feel happy as I don't feel strong enough to keep going and for a while I though I was doing it for my son and her but now I don't know why I am working 2 jobs not having any free time and when I tried to sleep she's waking me up calling me or texting me and being upset if I don't answer, I feel drain, I have blame myself a lot I have tried acting different I have acknowledge a lot of thinks she blames me for even when I don't fully believe all of them, she keep saying all or problems are because of me and Honestly I can't do this anymore.
Me, You're in an overwhelming situation and need some guidance and support. Look for counseling in your area that helps people in abusive situations - there are low-cost options. You can always call the domestic abuse hotline 24/7 at 800-799-7233. Or reach out to us through the link at the bottom of the page and we'll give you ways we can help. You'll be able to cope better with some tools and strategies. -Dr. Kurt