At the start of a relationship feelings of love can be so strong and overwhelming that it’s hard to imagine they could ever fade or go away. Unfortunately, after years together, many people get to the place where they say, "I'm out of love" and believe the love will never come back.
Are they right? Sadly, a lot of the time they are, but for the wrong reason. They end up being right about love never coming back because they stop trying. I know many of the people who feel "I'm out of love" also feel like they have been trying to change their relationships for a long time. But I've found that many of these people have, mistakenly, not tried in the most effective ways possible.
For the love to come back to a relationship and stay strong it takes consistent work and very specific efforts. You can’t just wish it to be true, complain about things not changing, think that time will fix it, or have one person trying while the other does nothing. These things simply aren’t enough. So what does it take?
What To Think About If You’re Out Of Love
Here's a post I wrote on social media about feeling outta love and what to do next.
A very important point above is the distinction between focusing on 'why' as opposed to 'what.' Searching for the answer to 'why' is an easy trap to fall into. The biggest problem with focusing on 'why' is that it distracts from focusing on 'what.' 'What' you're going to do when you say, "I'm out of love," is much more important than 'why' you are out of love.
Are you going to throw your hands up and give up? Or are you going to fight for your relationship?
There's an almost automatic response for all of us to just walk away when we're out of love. Sometimes it feels like the effort won’t make any difference. People usually assume that feeling that way means that there’s no way that the love can come back. After all, isn’t true love supposed to be bullet proof? It lasts forever and can’t be broken, right? Wrong.
Add to that the many influencers in our lives that encourage us that we should walk away. The powerful influence of our culture, and well meaning family and friends, cannot be underestimated here. We’re conditioned to look for immediate gratification and told that when you fall in love – if it’s true love – it lasts forever. So if you’re out of love then it seems clear that things just weren’t meant to be. Unfortunately, these influences and beliefs are some of the things that feed unrealistic expectations and lack of the right effort when it comes to keeping the love alive.
Discovering Why You Are Out of Love
After you've answered the 'what' question you can then focus on answering the 'why' am I out of love question. In my experience learning 'why' often requires getting the help and insight of a relationship expert (I'm out of love with my fiancé).
Discovering what you can do to change why you feel like you’re out of love can be very empowering and relationship changing. And it’s an important step in bringing the love back.
It’s easy to expect that the way we feel and behave toward each other at the beginning of a relationship will never change. And assume that initial phase is what love is, and is supposed to always feel like. So when it doesn’t feel like that anymore it means we must be out of love.
What many people fail to consider is how life and people change over time, and that just as those things change so does the way love feels. Although some may disagree, this is actually a good thing. Infatuation and constant sexual tension must make room for the trust, support, and partnership that it takes to build and sustain a life together.
And while we all enjoy the intense passion that comes at the beginning of a relationship, it will change over time and needs to mature in order for the relationship to survive. It’s when work is required that comes with this change that many people give up, which is precisely the opposite of what they should do.
Almost everyone believes in the miraculous power of love. So how come in these situations we believe falling in love again is so impossible? It's not, if we'll ask ourselves the right questions.
If you've ever felt "I'm out of love," please share your experience with us below. If you like this post and want to read more like it, you can sign-up at the bottom of this page to get notified of each new post. You can also follow me on Facebook or Twitter where I post relationship and self-improvement tips just like this one.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published December 28, 2013. It has been updated for accuracy and comprehensiveness
Looking for More? Check Out These Articles
- How To Know If You're In Love Or Falling Out Of It
- You Want Him To Love You Back But He Doesn't
- Knowing If Your Marriage Is Really Over If He Wants To Leave
- Get More Help When the Love is Gone