How Come My Husband Isn't Affectionate Anymore?

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    When you’ve come to the realization that there’s a problem in your relationship and begin to wonder why your husband isn’t affectionate anymore, it may seem like it happened all of a sudden. However, most likely that the affection has been disappearing slowly for quite a while.

    Relationships rarely change overnight - they change slowly over time.

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    This slow change can make it very hard to see it happening. Physical intimacy like daily kisses turns into every few days, hugs happen only when forced, and sex becomes less and less regular. Most of the time wives don't notice their husband isn't affectionate anymore until the caring is really, really gone.

    How The Affection Can Disappear

    Sometimes we have a sense that things aren't quite right, but with the busyness of life we often don't pause long enough to really think about it.

    There's also a part of us that doesn't really want to know or face the painful reality that the affection from our partner is gone. After all, if it's true, what does that mean for the future of our relationship?

    Despite how hard and painful it can be, at some point we have to take a hard look at things and acknowledge something’s different.

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    Sadly this reflection is often forced on us by a traumatic event, such as discovering text messages to another woman on his phone, or porn sites on his laptop, or that he's hiding getting drunk (all real-life examples of problems from my marriage counseling). Only then do we start to recognize we don't have sex as frequently as we used to, or he never touches you anymore, or you can't remember the last time he said anything nice about you.

    Here's a letter from a wife who's starting to become aware of the changes in the affection she gets from her husband:

    I'm so confused... my husband isn't affectionate towards me anymore... he cares for me like he cares for his family, but does not love me... He is always happy when he goes out with his friends, but when he goes out with me he always says ‘lets go home,’ ‘I'm tired’ or keeps watching the time and I never see a single genuine smile at me. At night, he always wakes up for his friends or for his work for ungodly hours, but when he is free he always sleeps late. He doesn’t want to just sit and talk to me, or cuddle with me and sleep together. Our sex life is also nonexistent. Why isn't my husband affectionate? I don't know whether its true or not, but I think he doesn’t love me. I don't know what I did wrong. How can I make it right because I want this marriage to work? I love him and I cant live without him" –Therese

    Why Your Husband Isn’t Affectionate Anymore

    There can be many reasons why Therese's husband isn't affectionate anymore, and not all of them are bad or are solely about him. Relationships naturally move through stages. Moving out of the honeymoon stage when our partner and intimacy is all we can think about happens to everyone and is normal and okay.

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    Children and family can also be a big factor.

    When we have kids, the affection lessens as the demands of childcare become consuming. Add to that work and household duties and suddenly time is at a premium, communication suffers, and the priority on affection disappears.

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    Those work, house, and financial stressors can also emotionally drain us and leave little left to give to our partner in the affection department. It's also easy for any of us to take the relationship and our partner for granted as other things demand our attention.

    When a husband isn't affectionate anymore wives have to be careful not to immediately put the fault all on him. It's very possible that they've unintentionally contributed to his loss of interest.

    Common explanations I hear from men as to why they're not interested in their partner, even sexually (yet while still liking and wanting to have sex), can be her:

    • Nagging

    • Demeaning comments and criticisms

    • Never being able to please her

    • Lack of attentiveness to her appearance

    Attraction and physical affection go hand-in-hand, and in order to maintain that affection both partners need to care enough to take care of themselves and their appearance.

    It's also possible that he's showing you affection in different ways that you just don't recognize.

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    If your husband makes a point to,

    • Take over chores you don’t like

    • Keep the kids occupied so you can get some extra rest

    • Compliments or thanks you for things you do for him

    He may just be expressing affection in new and less direct ways.

    What Men Do To Lose Interest

    A husband’s disinterest in affection may be influenced by other things as well. There can also be some troubling reasons for the loss of affection that men are responsible for too. Among them are:

    Or maybe he's not cheating yet, but interest in someone else has caused him to be distracted and stop showing affection for you.

    It’s important, however, not to jump to conclusions or hurl accusations that have no proof. If you suspect your husband is cheating, there are signs beyond a lack of affection, and you’ll need to find a way to address your concerns in an effective and productive way.

    • Porn. Unfortunately, if things are difficult in your relationship and the physical affection is missing, many men will turn to porn as a way to find sexual satisfaction.

    This is a dangerous pathway for anyone to go down as porn can exacerbate current problems and create many more of its own. If porn enters the picture, there’s also a possibility of him developing a porn addiction.

    • Hobbies. There are some men who become obsessed with a hobby, such as gaming or golf.

    • Substance abuse. Abusing alcohol or drugs can have many bad ramifications. One of them is disinterest in physical affection.

    • Boredom. Long-term relationships go through phases and can be prone to boredom setting in if partners aren’t careful. Boredom can lessen the interest in making any effort at affectionate behavior.

    • Depression. It’s even true that many men are depressed and don't know it, and this can cause a loss of affection as well.

    All of these things can cause men to lose interest in their partners.

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    What To Take Away

    The good news if you’ve realized your husband isn't affectionate anymore is that it can be fixed.

    Any of the contributing causes described above can be stopped, changed, and the damage repaired. So, if you’re feeling like your husband isn’t being as affectionate as you’d like, keep the following things in mind:

    • Lack of affection in your marriage can be due to many factors.

    • Bringing the affection back will depend on why it’s faded.

    • Before accusing your husband of being at fault, evaluate your role in things and determine if you’re somehow contributing to his lack of affection.

    • If you believe you’re doing your part, have a conversation with your husband about why he isn’t as affectionate as you’d like him to be.

    • If this is an area the two of you can’t seem to talk about, then find a marriage counselor to help you improve communication and address the underlying problems.

    If you've lost the affection from your partner, don't jump to the conclusion that the relationship must be dead. Chances are it’s not and there are some very fixable things that can be done to bring the affection back.

    Focusing on understanding why your husband isn’t affectionate anymore and how you can change it can help you not only get the affection back, but also keep it going strong in the future.

    Editor's Note: This post was originally published Jan 10, 2015 and updated on January 28, 2020, and has been updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.

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