Do You Have A Nagging Wife?

my-wife-is-a-nag

6 Min Read

Contents

What Does It Mean When You Say Your Wife 'Nags'?
Do Men Nag?
Can Nagging Harm A Relationship?
How Do You Get Her (Or You) To Stop Nagging?
Takeaways About A Nagging Wife
What Readers Have To Say (20+)

We’ve all heard the complaint – “My wife is such a nag,” or the angry demand to “Stop nagging me!” as the frustrated husband rolls his eyes and tries to get away.

If you ask someone – anyone – what it means to have a nagging wife, there’d be a pretty clear consensus on the answer.

But is all nagging equal?

And what is a nagging wife, really?

The dictionary defines nagging as “continually faultfinding, complaining, or petulant.”

It’s a term most often applied to wives by husbands. Saying you have a nagging wife is a common complaint that goes back decades.

Being called a nagging wife is clearly a derogatory characterization, but many men who love and respect their wives still often say, “Yes, my wife has nagged me.”

Since no woman wants to be called a nag, and yet so many are, it bears understanding more about what’s really behind the “nagging wife” stereotype.

What Does It Mean When You Say Your Wife ‘Nags’?

Picture this:

Wife says to husband, “Can you pick up your clothes in the bathroom?”

Husband says, “Sure.”

An hour later wife says, “I asked you to pick up your clothes.”

Husband says, “I said I will. I’ll get to it.”

Now, two hours after the original request, wife angrily grabs the clothes and says,

“You said you would pick up your clothes! Was that too much to ask? I guess I have to do everything for you!”

Husband, looking irritated says, “Can you just stop nagging me?!”

Sound familiar?

Is this wife nagging?

The answer depends upon your perspective.

It’s possible that the husband fully intended to pick up his clothes but hadn’t gotten to it yet. Perhaps he intended to do it the next time he was in the bathroom.

It’s also likely that the wife intended for the clothes to be picked up within minutes of her request and only got frustrated and angry when it took longer.

The problem here is the level of communication.

The wife didn’t make clear her expectation, and the husband never clarified his intention.

The result is that both end up frustrated, and the wife, who asked for the same thing to be done more than once, is seen by the husband as a nagging wife.

Is that really fair?

Do Men Nag?

Absolutely.

Although the term nagging is typically applied to women, it’s something men are guilty of as well. Men, however, are often depicted differently when it comes to this behavior.

A man who nags is often referred to as demanding or domineering. Masculine nagging may literally sound a bit different as well. While a nagging wife may seem to whine or plead, a husband’s nagging is typically presents as yelling or ordering.

These interpretations are due in part to nuances when it comes to the way each gender communicates.

There are volumes written on communication tendencies tied to gender and why men and women behave the way they do. For the purposes of this article and topic – understanding a nagging wife - we can sum it up by saying that women typically employ more non-verbal communication techniques and feelings based words, whereas men are often more directive and less apt to refer to anything feelings based.

This may make the form of their nagging different, but the effect of repetitive complaining and fault-finding is the same. And both men and women can be guilty.

Can Nagging Harm A Relationship?

Yes and no.

It isn’t the nagging per se’ that causes the damage, but rather the underlying emotions that result when the nagging occurs.

Consider the scenario above.

By the time the offending clothes had been picked up by the wife she was feeling disrespected by her husband and put in a subservient role. While the husband on the other hand was feeling picked at and as though his wife was being unnecessarily controlling.

The result is a couple frustrated with one another in a way that could have been completely avoided.

Breakdowns in communication are one of the most common causes of marital problems.

“He just doesn’t understand” and “She doesn’t get me” are frequent complaints.

Dr. Kurt hears things like this in his practice weekly. According to him,

It's important to understand all of the reasons why your wife nags, which could be about much more than just what she says to justify it. While nagging is a poor communication method, it can be driven by a partner having a pattern of making promises and not delivering. Frequently partners will complain to me that their significant other won't do what they say they will do, doesn't get tasks completed, and that they can't rely on them. This results in feeling disrespected, ignored, unimportant, overburdened, and unloved. These are just some of the feelings that fuel nagging and make it about more than just wanting to be in control. Similarly, the husband can have feelings that contribute to his lack of cooperation as the vicious cycle of nagging by her and ignoring by him spins the relationship out of control.”

No need to panic, however. A breakdown in communication doesn’t have to signal the end of a marriage.

At the beginning of a relationship partners are more likely to take the time to ensure they understand one another. As the relationship matures, and especially after years together with life, kids and work, the need to continue making that effort can be completely overlooked.

Life also gets busy and people, especially couples, tend to make a lot of assumptions about each other’s intentions when they communicate.

How Do You Get Her (or you) To Stop Nagging?

Quick answer – communicate better.

Of course, that’s not as easy as it sounds.

Once poor communication, like nagging, has become habitual it can be hard to get things back to good. Unfortunately, there’s no formula or magic words for breaking bad habits or the communication cycle that creates them.

Changing a person’s propensity to nag as a means of communication will need both people to consider the way they’re handling the things that trigger it. It will also require,

Patience
Willingness for both parties to listen and modify their behavior

The latter can be one of the biggest challenges.

At minimum this communication breakdown will need a reset.

Couples will have to take some time to step back and reevaluate how they communicate and start making the effort at working together again. If it goes on too long, this breakdown can lead to hurtful statements and resentment building.

People often become defensive when told they need to change, especially with a behavior like nagging.

Because it comes down to communication skills it can seem personal, and can be easy for each person, nagger and naggie, to feel like they’re justified in the way they’re handling things.

In these circumstances getting things back to a happy and healthy place may also take the help of a counselor.

Takeaways About A Nagging Wife

So, do you really have a nagging wife?

Perhaps.

But it’s very possible that you contribute to her behavior. It’s equally as likely that you're doing the same thing yourself – it just gets called something different.

In fact, the most likely scenario is that both of you have fallen into bad habits like:

Not expressing yourselves clearly
Not listening and really hearing what the other is saying
Assuming that your partner will “just know” what you mean
Taking one another for granted

Put all these together and it’s a recipe for not only falling back on nagging as the default form of communication, but also unhappiness and even eventual divorce.

Nagging isn’t a useful communication method in a marriage or any other relationship. It is, however, a clear sign that you need to take a closer look at the way you and your spouse are communicating overall. Just try not to nag each other as you do so.

Editor's Note: This post was originally published July 5, 2018, and July 19, 2022, and has been updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.