I'm Constantly Fighting With My Husband

5 Min Read

Contents

How Fighting Constantly In A Relationship Can Look
Consequences Of Constant Fighting On Your Relationship
Dealing With Constant Fighting In Your Marriage
Takeaways About Constantly Fighting In Your Relationship
What Readers Have To Say (70+)

Recently Kate told me she's, "Fighting with my husband constantly."

"Is that normal?" she asked.

Yes and no, I told her.

Disagreements in a relationship are normal. Let’s face it, no matter how much you love someone and get along, you’re each different people with your own thoughts and opinions. In fact, that’s likely something you enjoyed about each other in the beginning.

But disagreement isn’t the same as constant fighting with your husband.

So, yes, occasional disagreements or even arguments are normal, even healthy – constant fighting isn’t.

How Fighting Constantly Can Look In A Relationship

Some partners disagree more than others. And for some those disagreements turn into arguments, which turn in to fights – regularly.

A disagreement that turns into an argument doesn't have to be bad, but when it turns into a fight, it becomes a problem.

And it's a BIG problem if you say,

I'm fighting with my husband constantly."

When Kate and her husband, Rick, met with me for marriage counseling I witnessed them fight about everything in their lives except for one thing – work.

Everything else,

Kids
Parenting
Money
Respect
Exes
The house

was a fight to the death over who was right and who was wrong.

Is it any wonder they're both miserable in their marriage and, using their own words, both say they have a “severe and intense dislike for each other”?

When fighting with your husband is constant, hostile, and unproductive it can destroy your marriage.

Learning how to keep disagreements from turning into fights, or at least stopping at the argument level, is crucial for a healthy relationship.

When an argument devolves into a “fight” it means anger is the primary emotion being felt and expressed. This is a problem because anger overrides logic and caring and can lead to words and actions that are extremely damaging.

With anger as the driver, you’re no longer looking for a way to solve things, you’re looking for a way to hurt each other. When this happens frequently it will destroy the relationship.

Take a look at the below social media post I wrote about relationship arguments.

what-to-do-when-you-are-constantly-fighting

what-to-do-when-you-are-constantly-fighting-2

What’s the most important point from the post? The key to a good relationship is not avoiding arguments, but how you deal with them.

Consequences Of Constant Fighting With Your Husband

I don’t think I’ve ever met partners who enjoy fighting (not both of them anyway). Given the choice, nearly all partners say they just want peace and love (maybe not those exact words).

But for some couples it certainly seems like there’s more effort put into the fight than into keeping the peace.

So much so, in fact, that many couples fail to see what constant fighting is doing to them individually, as well as to their relationship and family.

On an individual level, constantly fighting with your husband will begin to seep out of the relationship and invade other aspects of your life. Eventually you could become someone who’s:

Angry
Jaded
Combative
Bitter
Cynical

Not flattering, is it?

And no, you’re not the exception.

Constant, unresolved anger is like sand – it gets everywhere. You’ll be finding grains of it in unwanted places for ages.

It also has detrimental consequences for your family. Research shows that children in homes with constant fighting are plagued with a number of social, behavioral, and educational problems.

Among them are:

Combative behavior in school
Below average academic performance
Low self-esteem
Aggressive behavior toward peers
Feelings of insecurity and fear
Distrust of others, especially adults

These are just a few of the areas that can be affected.

It should also be noted that children learn conflict resolution from watching their parents. And no matter how you instruct them, they will eventually do what you do, not what you say.

As for your marriage, the problems are clear.

Constant fighting with your husband will take you down the same path as Kate and Rick, right to that place of “severe and intense dislike” for one another.

The good news is that it doesn’t have to be that way.

Dealing With Constant Fighting In Your Marriage

Healthy, successful marriages don't avoid conflict, and the disagreements and arguments that come with it. The partners in them have learned how to disagree and work through it without letting the conflict escalate to a fight or turn into verbal abuse.

In the rare instances when it does approach a fighting level, both partner’s recognize it and do something to reduce the conflict, like stepping away and seeking some cooling off time.

There are a variety of other ways to handle anger as well.

In a successful relationship each person will know what way works best for them, as well as their partner's preferred coping mechanism, and will respect their need to use it.

Another important point from the social media post: You win relationship arguments when you're mature enough to choose the relationship over being right.

A fear for many partners is that if they do this it will mean -

They'll always be wrong
Their partner will always be right

This then becomes a power struggle within the relationship, with each partner wanting to assert themselves and be in control.

This fear is an obstacle for Rick. He's afraid if he doesn't fight with his wife (on everything) he'll always be wrong and thus be powerless.

This isn’t true at all.

Here's the secret Rick is missing – when you practice choosing the relationship over being right you'll find you have fewer arguments. And when you do, your partner will probably choose the relationship over being right too.

Win-win.

I've seen many wives fight with their husbands for the same reason - needing to always be right (or more accurately, never be wrong).

So, it's important to note that either sex, male or female, can do this.

See how needing to be right can turn into emotional abuse?

Fighting between husbands and wives can occur for more reasons than just needing to be right though. The psychological causes for this, however, aren't as important as just recognizing how destructive fighting is for the relationship.

If we all can hold on to the truth that 'immature' people choose being right even at the cost of the relationship, while 'mature' people will be wrong if necessary in order to keep the relationship, we're likely to choose to be mature and find more happiness and satisfaction in our relationship.

An added bonus is that we will be more successful on other topics:

Parenting
Financial decisions
Life plans

Will you choose to be 'mature' or 'immature' in your next argument?

Takeaways About Constantly Fighting In Your Relationship

Fighting with your husband constantly is unhealthy and will destroy your marriage.

When you choose the relationship over the need to be right you may be surprised at the positive changes in your relationship and life that will result.

Editor's Note: This post was originally published September 07, 2014, updated on July 3, 2018, July 5, 2022, and has been updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.