What can you do if you're Fighting With Your Husband Constantly?
Part 1 of 2
Money is one of the biggest sources of stress and arguments in a marriage. Even in the best of relationships, differences in spending habits, the stress of bills, and surprise expenses can cause a number of issues and anxiety. Dealing with fights about money can be very difficult for many couples and cause huge divides between partners. In fact, differences in the handling of money can lead to long-term problems and even divorce.
Recently I counseled a man dealing with financial problems and money fights in his marriage. He came to Guy Stuff because the communication between he and his wife had almost completely broken down and, he wanted help before they got into even bigger trouble.
Randy's really worried about his family's finances. They've got one income and are overspending by a large amount every month. He knows that they're approaching their credit limits and it can't go on much longer.
He wants to sell the house. Their house is too big and expensive. When they bought it several years ago the mortgage and other expenses seemed manageable, even though even then it was a bit of a stretch. Not anymore. But they can't sell it, at least not for enough to make moving make sense.
So Randy's been looking for other ways to balance the budget. He asked his wife, Erin, what she thought about cutting back the Dish Network bill. She replied, "We can't change that." He thought that he could handle the pool upkeep, so he suggested cutting the pool service. Again she replied, "We can't change that."
He told me in our last counseling for men session that he doesn't know what to do. Erin refuses to consider any possibility of cutting their spending. And he's even more frustrated because on top of her refusal she still says she can't understand why he struggles with anger.
So now, in addition to dealing with the money stress and pressure of mounting bills, he’s also facing marital and personal issues. Anger problems, communication breakdown, and a resulting lack of trust and intimacy are fairly common results of chronic money issues within a relationship.
It's common for those of us in relationships to hope that during difficult times, like when dealing with the money stress Randy and Erin are experiencing in their marriage, that the two of us will come together as a team and face the challenge as partners. We want to work as a team to face the difficulties and overcome together. Sadly, that's only a dream for many of us.
The reality often is that when stress comes most of us go to our dysfunctional selves rather than our best selves. We fear change, the unknown, become paralyzed, can't see possibilities, and quite frequently become polarized as a couple.
It’s pretty typical for partners to have different views on money and spending. Depending upon the role each partner has in the relationship and their daily responsibilities, their view of where to spend, where to cut and how to budget can be quite the opposite. One partner may have different priorities than the other based on what they see as the most important needs of the family. Not being able to see each other’s point of view and feeling like you’re right and they’re wrong is a big contributor to communication failure. And lack of communication causes more problems.
In order for couples to overcome their money issues they have to work together. This is going to mean compromise and that can be difficult, especially around money. Even couples with the strongest relationships can have a hard time coming together over money related subjects. This is why respect, love, and communication skills have to be strong.
Money is one of the easiest topics for couples to become polarized about (have opposing view points). The situation Randy and Erin are in is really common. And, unfortunately, these problems can lead to even bigger problems within the marriage. The fighting about money can easily lead to fighting about other things and cause a division between partners that is hugely challenging to overcome. This can take a toll not only on the relationship, but the family as a whole. So how do they stop their money fights? Read more here.
This is the first article of two examining a real couple struggling with money stress in their marriage. In the next article we'll look at what they can do to stop their money fights. Sign-up for our blog at the bottom of this page and be sure to get the next article.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published March 11, 2010. It has been updated for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
What can you do if you're Fighting With Your Husband Constantly?
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My husband controls every aspect of our lives. He has gone as far as taking his income from our checking account and opening an account that only he has control over. I was my husbands boss for 3 yrs. Before we started seeing each other. We got married and have a beautiful son. Our son stayed sick for most of his first year and I had to leave my job. I have had numerous jobs in our 17 yrs. of marroage. None of which he wanted me to work at and I was given the guilt trip of how our son needs me at home. So for our son I would always leave my job. He told me on my last caretaker job if I would quit due to the abuse the daughter of the lady I was taking care of, that he would pay me $200. A week to stay home and clean house. Now my house isn't nasty it is and has been in untouched major construction for 4 years. ( controls our living environment ) he control our car fuselage, maintenance, outings, sports our son plays, all our spend in game. I work seasonal with the only friend I have left and we fight the entire season extreme fighting. He has went through my purse and taken my money and yells that I don't contribute to thefamily fund because I ddon't hand him my measly$200-300 a week ppay. When I am working Ipay for eeverything and do everything in the home. Our grass is now reaching shoulder height. I am at the point that I am hating him. I want out but I have nowhere to go. My mother takes care of my grandmother in her two bedroom home. It would take thousands to fix up this ceiling caving, walls collapsing (one he has removed the interior wall and we watch a waterfall run down the backside of the exterior wall. And a $500 shower unit sitting in our front yard for over 3 yrs. We almost fell through the bathtub flooring 6 months ago so he took down more walls to change the bathtub out. He just sat it in the slot. He put up plastic for the wrap around that is still sitting in our front yard. The knobs and spout are attached to the wall that he cut out and is attached to the new bathtub with chanel locks. The floor in my laundry room I have a board over to keep from falling through. He also removed over half the walls in this resilient 4 yrs ago after a pipe broke and did major damage and the are half done with no interior walls and the bath is being used for a closet only holes show it is suppose to a bath. A drop cord is our clothes wrack. Now you need to know, my husband makes $120K a year. Please tell me how do I get him to do something or get out? He controlled me not getting my divorce becauseof fafaults pretend lawyer to lawyer. He was able to move back into my home after a restraining order expired. I am a prisoner, he makes me tell him I love him and have sex. Please someone give me some advice. Oh, his job gives him all the money he wants for attorneys and I had to go with one for $1000. From money I borrowed from my oldest son. His attorneys he paid two were going to throw me out of my house, make me pay child support because without a home I would not get my son, I would have had to pay 1/2 of all preexisting bills (he doesn't pay bills. Doctors, phones, hospital ect) we lost two houses, real houses he didn't pay that either. Everyone he has ever felt with money wise he owes. And h
Rdaisy, First thing you need to do is stop telling yourself you're a "prisoner." Not true. You have options, but you don't see them yet. Lawyers help end a marriage, but they don't help you deal with one. Talk to a counselor to learn how to respond to him. -Kurt