8 Min Read
- What Do You Mean She Ignores You?
- What Does It Mean If My Wife Ignores Me?
- What To Do And Not To Do If Your Wife Is Ignoring You
- What To Take Away
- What Readers Think (10+)
Guys, you’ve all been there before, right?
You think everything is fine, but your wife acts as though you aren’t even in the room, completely ignoring you.
She walks by you barely acknowledging your presence, and every question or attempt at engagement is met with one-word, monosyllabic answers, a “hmmff,” or flat-out silence. And you’ re left asking yourself, "What’s going on? Why is my wife ignoring me?"
Well, the good news is that you’re not alone. There are many guys out there whose wives are ignoring them too and wondering the same thing.
The bad news is there may not be an easy answer or an immediate solution to the situation. In fact, if your wife is ignoring you, there are a few things you need to consider and likely do to get communication back to being good.
What Do You Mean She Ignores You?
When you say your wife ignores you, it sounds rather straightforward, but it’s not always. There are some nuances to being ignored that need to be considered.
Before determining what her behavior means and what you should do about it, you need to first be able to define (even if it’s just to yourself) what being ignored looks and feels like from your perspective.
Dr. Kurt works with men daily that feel they're being ignored by their wives. According to him,
'My wife ignores me' is a complaint I hear often from the men I counsel. Most of the guys have assumptions they've made about why, but truly don't really know because they haven't asked. Apprehension or outright fear about what their wife will say if they do ask is the primary reason they don't. Why poke the bear, right? Not wanting to be told of their accountability in hurting her, or being wrongly blamed or attacked are other reasons. Unfortunately, not inquiring just leads to more wives ignoring their husbands and husbands ignoring their wives right back. Avoidance is one of the biggest causes of relationship problems and your wife ignoring you is often a prime example of both partners practicing it."
Many men feel as though they’re being ignored when what they’re really noticing is a change in behavior.
If your wife who normally brings you a cup of coffee each morning suddenly stops and rushes off to work with barely a "good-bye", you may feel ignored. But is she ignoring you, or has she got something going on at work that’s caused her to change her routine and it’s affected you?
There’s a difference.
Or, conversely, have you been busy and preoccupied recently and are finally able to relax and reengage?
It’s not uncommon for men who have busy schedules, especially those who travel a great deal, to feel like they are being ignored when they try to jump back into the family routine.
But in this case, you aren’t actually being ignored either. Daily life just has a regular rhythm and routine that you haven’t rejoined or acclimated to yet.
If neither of these scenarios sounds familiar, it’s time to look at things from a different angle and consider in what way you’re feeling ignored.
So, consider the following questions to help clarify things:
- Does your wife seem generally disinterested in you? How long has it been going on?
- Has your wife suddenly stopped talking with you and/or is giving you the silent treatment? Or has it been more gradual?
- Do things in your marriage seem fine until it comes to intimacy, and then it feels like she ignores you? Intimacy in this case can mean either emotional connection or your sexual relationship.
- Do things seem relatively normal, but your wife’s interest in other people far outweighs her interest in you?
Knowing the answers to these questions will allow you to better determine what the likely root cause of being ignored may be and then you can figure out how to change it.
What Does It Mean If My Wife Ignores Me?
The answers to the above questions can be a good first step in understanding what your wife’s behavior may mean.
But no matter how you break things down, the act of ignoring someone in any manner is a sign of a communication problem.
If your wife is ignoring you or your needs, there is a reason.
It may be something personal to her that she needs to work through, or it could be something that you’ve done or said that hurt her. And yes guys, it’s possible that you’ve done something and not realized it.
Although, many generalizations are often made about the behavior of both men and women, there are a few truths within them all.
For instance, it’s true that women can be more sensitive than men, and will keep their hurt and insecurities to themselves, hoping you will "just get it." When you don’t, they may react poorly, possibly ignoring you.
If, on the other hand, she’s wrestling with something, she may not think to (or want to) discuss it with you. In fact, she may be just fine handling it on her own, but as she is working through it an unintended repercussion might be that she’s less attentive.
What To Do And Not To Do If Your Wife Is Ignoring You
It never feels good to be ignored by anyone, and it feels particularly bad when it’s your spouse ignoring you.
Finding the right way to respond to being ignored, especially by someone you love, can be really tricky. Men in particular can find choosing the right response challenging (remember those generalizations mentioned above) – sorry guys, but it’s true.
Being ignored can make you feel,
All of these are difficult feelings for anyone, but for men these are feelings that can be perceived as an attack on their masculinity and role in the marriage. This makes responding in a way that’s constructive difficult to say the least.
With that in mind, let’s take a look at some of the DON’Ts for husband’s whose wives are ignoring them.
If your wife is ignoring you DON’T:
- Ignore her back. This goes along with the two wrongs don’t make a right premise.
The last thing you need to do to fix what is ultimately a communication problem is to completely stop communicating.
Ignoring your wife to show her what it feels like, or because turn-about-is-fair-play, will not get her attention in a positive way. And it certainly won’t make things better.
- Accuse her of, well, anything. Being ignored can cause you to feel hurt, frustrated, and resentful.
- Yell or become verbally abusive. None of us wants to say it out loud, but there can be a natural inclination in all of us toward feeling that negative attention is better than no attention at all.
For men especially, trying to get your wife’s attention by demanding, yelling, or becoming verbally abusive can be an easier default than we’d like to admit.
This doesn’t mean that you’re a bad guy, or even an abuser, just that you're reacting badly to a painful situation and need to stop and rethink your approach.
- Seek attention elsewhere. If your wife is ignoring you in any way, for any reason, it’s not a signal to have an affair – of any kind.
Men can be vulnerable to the positive attention of other women when their wives are shutting them out. But regardless of a wife’s behavior a husband is still responsible for his own choices – even the bad ones.
Getting close to another woman to the point you’re discussing personal issues and problems is a bad choice and can be considered an emotional affair. Both emotional and sexual affairs will compound your problems exponentially and get you nowhere close to making your life better.
- Look at this as a sign your relationship is over. Being ignored by your wife is frustrating and her behavior needs to change, but it doesn’t have to be a sign your relationship is over.
It is, however, a sign that communication in your marriage needs improvement.
Now that we’re clear on what not to do, let’s look at what you should consider doing if your wife is ignoring you.
If your wife is ignoring you DO:
- Talk to her. If you do nothing else, do this. But do it gently, and respectfully.
Remember, even if it’s a poor response on her part to whatever’s going on, ignoring you is a communication issue.
If both of you decide not to communicate effectively it will result in bigger problems than feeling ignored. So, don’t allow her behavior to dictate yours – talk to your wife.
- Show interest in a resolution. It may be tempting to tell her what she’s doing wrong and blame her for creating problems in your marriage, but that won’t help.
Instead, use language that is collaborative, concerned, and calm. Your goal is to have a conversation, not to end up in an argument.
- Show concern for her. If she’s struggling with something and ignoring you is a byproduct, she may need your support more than you realize.
That’s not the same as saying she needs you to fix things for her though. Just knowing your there is often sufficient. Showing concern for her also makes it easier for her to hear that her behavior has changed and is affecting you.
- Look her in the eyes when you talk. Eye contact is a big part of connecting with someone and an unspoken part of good communication.
It conveys concern, attention, and that you’re taking things seriously. It’s also very hard to ignore someone when you’re looking each other in the eye.
- Tell her you love her. Whatever’s going on, telling your wife you love her will help both of you.
It’s important for her to know and have it reinforced, and it’s important for you to articulate. Being able to express your love will build your connection to each other, even if you don’t realize it in the moment.
- Talk to her. It is worth repeating.
What To Take Away
Being ignored is both frustrating and hurtful And if it’s your wife who’s ignoring you those feelings are amplified.
But take heart, being ignored by your wife is generally a temporary situation that can either be fixed or fixes itself. Of course, if it’s deliberate on your wife’s part, there are much better ways for her to handle her feelings and that’s a conversation that should be had when things are calm.
In the meantime, keep the following things in mind:
- Sometimes you’re wife isn’t really ignoring you, she’s just preoccupied and needs a little space.
- It’s also possible that what you feel is her ignoring you is actually just reentry pains as you acclimate to the regular day-to-day routine.
- There are some clear dos and don’ts when responding to what feels like being ignored by your wife. Be sure that your response leads to a constructive outcome and isn’t making things worse.
- Once things are back on track, have a candid (and calm) conversation about her behavior and how it made you feel.
The bottom-line guys is that if your wife is ignoring you there might be a problem. But you won’t know what if you don’t talk to her. It’s also possible that she has no idea that she’s ignoring you and never intended to do so. Either way, don’t wait, don’t retaliate – talk.
Editor’s note: This post was originally published March 25, 2020 and has been updated with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
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