Relationships aren’t just love, connection, and good times. Successful couples also need to be able to navigate difficult emotions. Two of the most challenging are anger and resentment.
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She used to be sweet and loving. She always seemed happy to see you and excited about your future together. But now, after some years together, she’s changed. She doesn’t smile as often and she always seems to be angry about something.
Sound familiar?
If so, you’re not alone.
There are many men out there who ask themselves daily, “Why is my wife always angry?”
You may wonder what you’ve done to cause your wife to be angry all the time, and believe that somewhere deep down she must hate you.
But that’s absurd, right?
You know that occasionally you can act like a jerk, but you also try to make up for it. And you’re fairly sure you’re a pretty nice guy and a good husband (you probably are).
Which leaves you with one very big question:
Why is it that your wife, who was once full of hope and happiness, is now angry and disagreeable so often?
What changed?
Women and men express anger differently. Men are more likely to yell and display their anger in a direct manner, whereas women are more likely to internalize things and are generally more indirect in expressing their anger.
Typically, women show their anger in one (maybe more) of the following ways:
Too often women will choose to remain silent and expect their partner to just know what’s upset them. Unfortunately, men are often not that intuitive.
What? Why do you think I meant something by that? It was just an observation,”
she says after explaining why your "Neanderthal-like behavior" is the reason her mother has never sent you a thoughtful Christmas gift.
None of these are healthy or effective ways of communicating displeasure, but unfortunately they’re fairly common.
And none of these occur for no reason.
Although it may seem like her anger and these actions came out of nowhere and without reason, it’s more likely that frustration has been building for a some time.
Once her anger has reached a certain level it will begin to become more visible through her actions and gradually you find yourself thinking that your wife is always angry.
Let’s first acknowledge that if you and your wife started out happy and with a healthy relationship, then the anger you’re seeing now isn’t “just who she is.”
That being the case, no matter how great a guy you think you are, you’re in some way likely to be contributing to her frustrations and the anger she’s expressing.
That doesn’t mean that your wife has a right to become abusive or blame you for everything. She’s still responsible for her own actions and reactions, and hostility and angry behavior are not effective means of communication.
It does mean, however, that as a couple nothing happens in a vacuum and discontent in a marriage is generally the responsibility of both partners.
However, while you may be contributing to your wife’s anger in some way, that doesn’t mean that you’re the primary source of it.
Confused?
That’s understandable.
Women experience a lot of complicated feelings as they age and grow through marriage - especially as children become involved.
They often have to wear many hats and are expected to seamlessly switch from one to the other several times a day. Who they are and what they need to be for those around them, like their spouses, kids, families, and employers can change multiple times in just an hour depending upon circumstances.
In addition, there are other factors that they may have no control over, like their own biology and the emerging personalities of their own children (teens with opinions on proper parenting are enough to send the most Zen parent over the edge).
Throw all these things and many others into a bucket and you have a potential recipe for an angry wife.
I know, it still seems fuzzy and you’re thinking,
Okay, but what exactly is it that’s causing my wife to always seem angry?”
Let’s break it down a little further and look at some of the most common things that lead to persistent anger in many wives.
Yes, it’s a liberating and powerful time to be a woman – in theory. But the truth is that most women are juggling their efforts to be a loving wife, super-mom, run a household, and work. And it’s hard.
I know – you help and you have the same pressures, right?
Not totally.
The perceived requirements for being a successful woman means that SHE has to do these things, not you.
So, if you feel like when you try to help it only makes her angrier and that you can never do anything right, it may be because too much of your help, or help in the wrong places, makes her feel like you think she’s weak or incapable of handling her responsibilities.
Or, more likely, that she feels this way.
And it’s not just showing them what a strong woman looks like, it’s also the balance of teaching them independence while holding firm to rules and boundaries.
As a mom, she’s always on and walking a tightrope of managing her own behaviors and her family’s. This can lead any wife to feel angry eventually.
There are many very complicated feelings that go along with this topic and it deserves discussion that goes in greater depth than this bullet point.
But suffice it say, there are emotions related to not having kids – even if she never wanted to – that can lead to anger and resentment in some women. And a husband being sensitive to this delicate topic is crucial.
Whether it’s being a good partner, good person, good parent, good employee, or just getting the laundry done – it doesn’t matter.
Women suffer greatly from feelings of failure and inadequacy, and they generally keep those feelings to themselves.
This is one of the reasons that a larger percentage of women suffer from depression than men.
The repression of these feelings, and even undiagnosed depression, can lead to anger problems in women and may be one of the reasons you feel like your wife is always angry.
There is little a woman can do about this outside of knowing herself and managing things. But whether it’s PMS, pregnancy, or menopause, there are times in a woman’s life when she will naturally be more easily angered than others.
Since that’s not going to happen, you need to understand that there are likely many things she wants and needs from you, but just doesn’t want to have to tell you.
She wants you to show her respect and appreciation, to tell her you love her, for you to be romantic, to unload the dishwasher and pick up your underwear, the list goes on.
The bottom line is that as a married couple you need to keep practicing good communication skills. Not just you – her too.
As a marriage goes on and things get busier and busier, good communication often falls by the wayside. This means that frustration can build on both sides and pretty soon you’re both angry (but your wife may be angrier).
Most women I talk to have hours of responsibilities that go on even after dinner has been eaten and kids have gone to bed. Not to mention the late-night responsibilities for kids who are sick, have had a nightmare, or just need water.
Even family vacations are often working vacations for many women with little real relaxation.
Many wives who always seem angry may be very aware that their behavior seems hostile and want to change it. They often miss who they used to be but feel like there’s no real path back to being that person.
Is this your fault?
No, not really.
But are you doing anything to help, or could you be making it worse by not recognizing what she’s going through?
First, know that your wife probably isn’t having a midlife crisis, which is often what husbands mistakenly believe.
She’s probably quite normal, just a bit off track with her emotions and in need of your help and attention. Anger issues in women can be a sign of midlife crisis but, for most women, signs of a midlife crisis are more varied and extreme.
Second, if you can’t magically become a mind reader, the best thing you can do when your wife is upset and frustrated is talk to her.
And to actually listen and try to understand what she has to say.
Just that effort can make a big difference in the closeness of your relationship and help strengthen your partnership, so she doesn’t feel alone and become even angrier.
Feeling heard and understood is important to us all, and it’s particularly important for the health of a marriage.
Dr. Kurt works with many men who feel that their wives are always angry. Many times they feel frustrated because they don’t know what to do. He offers this advice to men struggling to understand their wife's anger:
Most people are uncomfortable being around someone with strong emotions. This can be especially true for men. When our wives are angry we're likely to either want to make the anger go away or we want to go away ourselves. Note that what was recommended above was for you to "listen" to her, not try to fix it. Most of us men have a default 'fix-it' mode that can get particularly triggered by our wife's emotions. This isn't usually the best first response, however. And when she's angry this is likely to be even more true. When most of us are angry we usually just want and need to vent more than anything. So guys, listen first."
Understand that if your wife is always angry then there are likely issues that have been festering for a long time.
This means that it may take a while for that anger to dissipate. You’ll each need to work on improving your communication so that whatever is causing anger and resentment in either of you can be addressed.
Dealing with a spouse who always seems to be edgy and angry is difficult for both of you. If you feel like your wife is always upset and angry about something, keep these things in mind:
If, however, despite your best efforts, your wife’s anger persists and she’s unable to manage it, she’ll benefit from speaking with a professional counselor. Abusive behavior of any kind is unacceptable, so if she won't get help, then get it yourself.
An objective third party with the right professional training and experience can often help women and men struggling with anger sort through things and get back to a healthy and happy place in their lives.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published January 15, 2020 and has been updated for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Relationships aren’t just love, connection, and good times. Successful couples also need to be able to navigate difficult emotions. Two of the most challenging are anger and resentment.
Emotions are tricky things. They can flare up in an instant or slowly build over time, reshaping how we perceive ourselves and the people closest to us. Find out more.
Are you Married To An Angry Man? Find out from one wife’s real-life experience what it's like being Married To An Angry Man. See if Angry Men can change.
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My wife was always angry, but she would only direct her anger at me. To other people, she was sweet and lovely. Behind closed doors, however, I got the silent treatment for weeks at at time. She would slam doors and cupboards and stomp her feet when she walked, but she would not tell me WHY she was angry. She just wanted me to know that she was angry. When absolutely necessary, she would answer in terse responses. She never wanted to do anything with me or have me join in any of her hobbies. This would go on for weeks and months. Years turned to decades. it was so grueling on my soul and heavy on me as a man. Yes, I talked with her about it and suggested we go to counseling together, but she had no interest in any of it. I was lonely in my relationship and my life, but did not have the freedom to have healthier relationships with other women. FINALLY, we divorced. The freedom and happiness of being out of that relationship is beyond description. I no longer have to walk on eggshells at home worrying about saying or doing something that would give her an excuse to be angry for another two or three or four weeks. I no longer dread going home. I now have relationships with women who are happy and positive. My recommendation to men or women who suffer thought this kind of passive aggressive partner is to GET OUT AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. You can't change people and being the victim of abuse by a perpetually angry or disgruntled spouse is a waste of your life and damaging to your well-being.
This article makes very clear sense, but all this is just common sense to a decent guy that genuinely loves, understands, and respects his wife and does these things for unconditionally. Nowhere in this article does it mention the possibility of sabotage! I’ve known my wife for 14 years and been married for 11. We have 4 kids. Twin daughters together and my 2 stepdaughters. 10th grade psychology class taught me the basics about behavioral psychology. The most useful part I learned in that class was the fact that it takes at least 12 years of knowing a person and being around them on a daily basis before you can truly “know” a person in a complete and total way. My wife has a special characteristic that just instantly and automatically wins people’s hearts, attention, love and respect. It’s the same thing I was attracted to the second I met her. She works hard, she’s always doing her best to make other people feel special. She instantly brightens up a room when she walks through the door. She also likes to show off her cleavage, takes hundreds of selfies before she gets the one she likes best, spends too much time, in my opinion, to look perfect just to go to work and stays out all night every single day she works! I understand because she loves to talk, be the life of the party, she’s the loudest person everywhere she goes both verbally and physically. Her job is better served with her type of personality. I never once in all the years marginalized her for being the way she is and the way god made her. She’s a saint of a woman when it comes to loving people and especially her kids. However, that being said, she has suddenly, and I mean seriously suddenly has changed the way she treats me, explains things to me, and the way she talks to our kids. It’s so obvious that she’s either lying, cheating, or just out of love with me. She’s become dangerously bipolar in her moods, she gets oddly angry when I say anything your children about their unacceptable actions. Even something simple as telling them to put away their dirty dishes. I do lot yell, spank or scream at my kids, but firmly and strictly tell my kids that leaving bowls of food laying around is not allowed. Telling them to be respectful to people has now caused her to scream at me for being a nasty prick! The kicker is that she screams at our kids and literally cusses them out for the same exact reasons. She has become pathological hypocrite to a point where I’m genuinely concerned about her mental state. I could understand if that’s who she was from the start but this has all happened out of nowhere. I’m not the best husband, father or person by quite a long shot but I’m by no means a bad husband, father and person. I have 4 daughters from 19 to 10 years old so I’m more experienced than most men when it comes to the female species. I’m not a moron! I have a mother, a sister and have multiple female aunts, cousins, and grandmothers that were huge parts of my life since the day I was born. I’m not saying that I completely understand women and their struggles internally and externally, but I have a pretty strong sense of self awareness to understand what they are experiencing and how I contribute to their hostility, their happiness and their overall health. But putting my rambling aside, I can only suspect that my wife is doing one of two things; sabotaging our relationship or it’s menopause! Or thirdly, she just genuinely has fallen out of love with me and no matter how much I listen, glorify, defend, respect, forgive, help, work, tolerate, and provide support emotionally, physically, monetarily, and just showing my kids what a man and a father can be, it’s become destitute in her eyes. It’s to the point where the years it took me to truly know her, are now obsolete. She’s still the same person when she walks outside of the walls of our home that she’s always been, but within these walls she’s someone else. If it’s a phase or a mental thing then I want to be here to weather whatever storm this is but if she doesn’t love me anymore and she can’t tell me, then I can let her go if that’s what she needs. I don’t want to be the walls in our home, I want to be the man she loved so passionately and relentlessly for over a decade. That woman is gone here lately and she disappeared like turning off a light with a switch! So…what does anybody think about my situation? I obviously care enough and love her enough to ask! I don’t want to lose her but I’m about convinced she just don’t love me or want me anymore. Please someone help me. Give me advise. Tell me the gods honest truth and I’ll accept it. One thing is for sure, we can’t keep up this way of living.
Women tend to make problems and men tend to solve problems. Unfortunate, and this is why men die younger than women bc they nag and complain us to death with their negativity.