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Got a stubborn husband?
I know what that’s like. I work with them every day (I used to be one).
Yesterday I was counseling a couple and one of their issues is the husband’s anger problem, one that he won’t admit he has.
We were discussing the morning routine of getting their two girls up, out of the house, and to school on time. His wife was explaining how his frustration at the kids makes the routine much more difficult.
He just sat there shaking his head in disagreement.
As soon as she paused, he jumped in to attack her and the kids’ behaviors and justify his anger.
Despite her pleading, he refused to acknowledge that he gets angry in the mornings when their girls make it challenging to get out of the house on time.
I slowly worked at breaking through his thick wall of denial. Typically, toward the end of our meetings he’ll back off and be more reasonable.
I’ve been counseling and coaching men like this for over 22 years, and can tell you from firsthand experience that if you’ve got a husband who won’t admit he has an anger problem – you’re far, far from alone.
There are a number of cliches about men not showing weakness. Unfortunately, despite some of them being a bit exaggerated for laughs, at the core most of them are true.
The husband’s anger above is completely understandable. Everyone can relate. Who hasn’t struggled in the morning getting everything done and out the door on time, especially if that includes getting and 8 and 11-year-old out too?
His wife can relate. She’s just better at managing and containing her emotions.
So why won’t her husband admit he has an anger problem?
Pride.
He thinks admitting he gets angry makes him look bad.
His self-identity – how he views himself – isn’t healthy or strong enough for him to admit a weakness. Even when though those around him (his wife and myself) are admitting they have the same struggle.
I have an anger problem, just like him, and I have to manage it every day. Even though I’ve admitted this to him, he still won’t crack. As I said earlier, there are moments when he’ll drop the wall and admit it, but the wall can quickly go right back up.
The below quote is from another wife, but it summarizes how the wife of the guy I’m discussing feels too.
From the beginning of our relationship I had noticed a anger problem. We went on to marry. It has gotten worse over the years, there has been countless physical fights and yelling. (Including around the children). I am honestly sick and tired of putting my children through this pain. I am considering divorce. I don't feel he will ever change. I am a Christian woman and want to do what's right by staying married but I feel torn. Help!” -Mel
Another related cliche about men is their not being willing to ask for help.
Why?
Because from their perspective it shows weakness too. So, just like above, their pride gets in their way.
My husband won't go to counseling. He says it's all my fault and that if I didn't provoke him we wouldn't fight. My husband has a bad temper and when he gets mad he’s very verbally abusive. How do I get him to go to counseling?” -Holly
So, if you’re like Holly, and your husband won’t admit he has an anger problem – and refuses to go to counseling – what do you do?
Go to counseling without him.
Refusing to go to counseling is a power play. And most partners give right in. Don’t.
I can’t tell you how many times when the female partner comes by herself that eventually the guy comes too.
Why does this work?
For a number of reasons. Here are a couple –
Learn what it is about your husband’s pride or self-identity that gets in the way of his admitting a struggle like an anger problem. Knowing the answer is key to the approach you take to help him.
Don’t give your husband the power to control whether his anger problem gets addressed or not. You can get help with or without him, so go by yourself if you have to.
Most likely, yes. Can he learn to manage it much better so that it becomes less of an issue, yes. People who get angry don’t typical stop and never get angry again. They just learn how to get angry less often, with less intensity, and less negative effects.
There are endless books and videos on anger management. But what you really need is to know what to do specifically with your husband. Find an experienced anger management counselor who can provide answers specific to your situation.
Got a husband who won’t admit he has an anger problem? Please share with other readers what that’s been like for you and get their feedback.
Both can cause pain, damage relationships, and leave people feeling trapped in a cycle of negativity. Yet, they are not the same. Which makes understanding the difference between anger and resentment, and how they show up in relationships, the first step toward breaking free of their grip.
Are you Married To An Angry Man? Find out from one wife’s real-life experience what it's like being Married To An Angry Man. See if Angry Men can change.
Everything seems fine. Then, out nowhere, your husband loses his temper over something little.
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“Anger problem” is too non-specific for advising “go to therapy without him.” Safety needs to be added. Obviously you are describing a very controlling abuser. Ethics demand prioritizing safety and then getting therapy.