My Husband Doesn’t Want Sex But Watches Porn

man-doesnt-want-sex-but-still-watches-porn

12 Min Read

Contents

Why Wives Are So Confused About Porn
Why Men Like Porn So Much
How Porn Affects Sex Drive
Why Your Husband Wants Porn More Than Sex With You
Will He Ever Want Me More Than Porn?
What To Take Away
What Readers Say (50+ Comments)

What man doesn’t want to have sex? Don’t men think about sex every 6 seconds? Well, no, that’s actually a myth, but it’s true that most men want sex. So, if your husband doesn’t want sex but watches porn how does that make any sense?

For most women this makes absolutely no sense at all and is extremely confusing. He’s obviously interested in sex, or he wouldn’t be interested in porn, right?

Correct.

However, watching porn is about a lot more than sex. Keep reading and I’ll explain.

Why Wives Are So Confused About Porn

It’s hard for women to see porn as having do with anything other than sex. After all, no one watches it for the plot – they watch for the sex.

Even when women themselves watch porn (yes, there are women out there who do), most of them would prefer sexual interaction with a partner when it’s an option.

So women ask, how can a man with a willing partner prefer what seems like at best is one half of the equation and at worst a poor substitute for the real thing?

The message below from Carol illustrates the confusion many women feel.

My husband and I have been together for 18 years. He started on the porn sites since the beginning practically. When he kisses me it ‘doesn't feel’ right. No loving. Could this be in my head? Am I expecting too much from kisses? I know there are pecks between a husband and wife but there has never really been passion. I feel it is just a motion. I have never said anything but even if I approach him most of the time it feels as if he doesn't want me to touch him. Could this be all in my mind? All I know is I feel empty at times. My heart aches. He says we don't need intercourse to be intimate. I understand that, but then when we go six months without sex and I know he is interested in it because I catch him watching porn. I know I can't compete with porn and after 18 years I think I have been more than patient. I have tried to be attractive but it is never enough. I can't compete. When is enough---enough?” -Carol

Carol’s not alone, many women feel the same way.

She wants physical affection, and he doesn’t. Her husband doesn’t even want sex, yet he watches porn. And she doesn’t get it.

Can you relate?

Why Men Like Porn So Much

A regular complaint I hear from men is that they’re unhappy with their sex lives.

Most often it’s about,

Frequency of sex
Desire of their partner to have sex
Her willingness to initiate

Along with a willingness to be a bit adventurous frequently mentioned also.

So how exactly does porn fix (or at least placate) these frustrations?

Here’s a window into the thinking of many men:

Is your partner sometimes (or often) not interested? Yes? Porn stars are always interested, turned on and ready to go.
Is your partner always there and ready? No? Porn is.
Does your partner require some romance, foreplay, or the stars to perfectly align in order for sex to be possible? Yes? Not with porn – no effort is needed at all.

Why do men like porn so much?

Because it’s always ready to please them, always available, and takes no effort.

In some ways it’s really just that simple.

However, there’s much more to porn’s appeal than just convenience. Porn is also:

Endless.

Online porn is virtually endless.

Just to give a little perspective on just how much there is out there. One of the larger porn sites (44th largest as of 2017) had 1.5 million hours of porn video on its site in 2017, which would take 173 years to watch if viewed non-stop 24 hours a day 7 days a week. And that’s just one site!

Porn isn’t even predominantly on porn sites anymore either, as it’s now all-over social media and elsewhere.

Variety.

The quantity leads to another one of the things that makes porn so appealing and that’s variety.

Not just in the number of women that can be seen naked, but in the types of porn.

Porn sites are now categorized by the characteristics of the women, type of sex, the scenario, and more. The choices are overwhelming. Viewers can now even create their own videos in the growing trend of video game porn.

Fantasy.

As I wrote above, one of the most frequent complaints I hear from men in counseling regarding their sex lives is that their partner won’t initiate.

Not only does this complaint mean she won’t come on to him, but also that sex is always the same, she’s not willing to mix it up or be adventurous.

One of the aspects of sex that’s really important to men is the anticipation. It’s exciting for them to imagine what’s possibly going to happen. And so the elements of imagination and fantasy that porn provide are one of its biggest attractions.

No pressure, no expectations, no disappointment.

Yes, sex with another person should be more fulfilling than by yourself.

But another person requires attention and effort. And she can be disappointed.

Porn is selfish. There’s only one person you have to please when you’re watching porn – you. You can focus 100% of your mental and physical energy on your own pleasure.

For some men who spend hours each day worried about living up to other people’s standards and expectations, this is a nice change. All the physical release plus none of the responsibility.

Sadly, this also means there’s no intimacy either, a problem many men don’t recognize until it becomes a problem for their partner.

Trinity explains more about the problems with this from a woman’s perspective in her message below.

My husband and I have been married for 8 years and together for 12. We were friends for about a year before we started dating. He is tall and relatively thin for a man in his early 40s and I am 38 and about a foot shorter than him. When we married I was a size 10 with an hourglass shape and now I'm an 18 with no shape. Some of my weight gain is due to fertility treatments, some to depression and eating issues and the rest to a desk job. I should try harder to lose it and think often about what I could do - but despite having successfully lost in the past I can't seem to find the energy to actually do it now. I'm not sure whether it's my weight gain, our infertility struggles or his obvious addiction to unrealistic porn that's causing our lack of intimacy. We don't always mesh in the bedroom (I'm rather vanilla but I think that's more of a confidence issue). But we've still always had a pretty good physical relationship. But why, if he's having ED issues, can he masturbate on a very regular basis? (so embarrassing) It's really hurtful to me when I see this stuff up on his phone, or when he regularly tells me he's too tired or just gives me a hug and says ‘no’. And while for years we were a very PDA type couple with hand holding, hugging, arm around my shoulders type couple, now I could go for a few weeks without him reaching to touch me. It's always me reaching for him. I don't understand how to approach this differently and he doesn't want to talk about this or talk to anyone. He's my best friend but this is starting to fracture our relationship. I've told him I'm worried about it and just he says, again, that he just doesn't feel like having sex, etc. (with an inferred ‘at all’ at the end) but that he loves me very much. What can I do? It hurts...” - Trinity

Many men, like Trinity’s husband, think all they need is a sexual release, not sexual intimacy as well.

They’re wrong, however, and don’t know it.

If all you want is a release then porn will give you that, but while doing so it makes you believe you don’t need more than that when you really do.

How Porn Affects Sex Drive

Thinking about and wanting to have sex is not a problem for most men. What can be a problem is actually being able to have sex.

I don’t mean just having a willing partner, or difficulty performing, such as with ED (Erectile Dysfunction), I mean being realistic about having the time and energy for sex themselves.

Sex drive changes for everybody with age, as a relationship matures, through life stressors and transitions, and health issues can make a difference too.

Unfortunately, many men still think about sex like they did when they were in their 20s, even though performing and having the frequency and intensity of sex they used to isn’t practical, and often not even possible.

Yet because they haven’t adjusted their expectations, they believe their sex lives are worse than they actually are.

Then comes the influence of porn.

Relationship of 20 years, was getting married in April, and found out my spouse has been replacing our sex life with porn, and I thought it was ED, and we need to talk about it.” - Amy

Porn presents sex as if everyone else is getting it any time they want it and with a partner who’s always ready and willing. If this doesn’t describe you, which it isn’t anybody actually, then this could be a reason why your husband watches porn instead of having sex with you.

The dissatisfaction many men have with their sex lives can be a further draw to porn as it allows them to soothe their unhappiness while at the same time it reinforces their faulty assumptions about sex.

Porn can both increase sex drive, especially expectations, as well as reduce it.

This can be confusing for partners – if my husband is watching porn he must be interested in sex, right?

Then why doesn’t want sex with me?

Part of the answer is that when your sex drive is limited (as it is for everybody) and is being satisfied with porn then there’s going to be less, if any, left over for a partner.

Excessive porn viewing can also result in Porn-Induced Erectile Dysfunction (PIED), which can cause men to avoid sex with their partner so they won’t have to reveal this embarrassing problem in a real-life encounter.

Why Your Husband Wants Porn More Than Sex With You

Why doesn’t he want the real thing?”

A woman I was counseling about her man’s porn use asked me this recently.

I’d explain the reasons to her and then she’d just ask me the same question again the next time we talked. She just couldn’t wrap her head around how he gave up what they both had described as “great sex.”

I often hear female partners say,

I’m available, I want to have sex with him, and I’m willing to try anything. Why doesn’t he want to have sex with me?”

Porn can become a substitute partner – at least as far as sex goes. It often replaces sex with your partner, although it doesn’t always.

Take a look at an article I wrote about boyfriends who watch porn and want sex too and see how the opposite can happen as well.

Relationships take effort – porn doesn’t.

Sure, he could have real sex with you, but what else does that require?

Helping you get in the mood and ready to have sex?
Making sure it’s enjoyable for you too?
Talking afterwards?

Not with porn.

An increasing number of men now believe porn is the perfect sexual partner.

Bu, porn is also a drug.

Most people who view porn regularly use it as a drug even though they typically don’t realize they’re doing so.

When porn becomes an addiction there’s a dependence upon it for,

Pleasure
Management of emotions
Stress relief
Escape from life’s problems

In fact, porn addiction is a common problem and one we treat at Guy Stuff.

As I’ve mentioned, porn is always ready to please you, always available, and takes no effort.

Can you offer that?

Of course not, no one can.

Remember that porn is also endless, provides unlimited variety, and nearly limitless themes to fuel fantasies.

Porn can be more appealing than sex with you because,

There’s no emotional connection required
No emotional effort necessary
No communication is expected
No history or baggage from the past

And it’s all about them and their pleasure. As I said earlier, porn is selfish.

It’s hard for partners to compete with porn (as Carol said at the beginning).

I've been with my partner for 7 years now and recently he hasn't wanted sex with me at all, he has all these excuses as to why he doesn't want to have sex. One night I saw him spying on me and my first thought was he is going to have a wank and I was right. I started to notice that it was every night and yet he still wasn't interested in me. I asked him about it and he got really angry straight away and said it was all in my head and I was imagining things. A few weeks past and he still didn't want sex but he was starting to convince me that it was all in my head so just to confirm I did a terrible thing and put my phone on record and left it in our bedroom, he went to bed and late that night I listened to the recording and yep just as I thought I could hear porn in the background. I didn't say anything but I did ask if he was happy with our relationship and he just said yes he had no real input. I kept trying to have sex with him and he kept rejecting me and the more I recorded the more crazy I got. I told him I know about the porn and he was extremely aggressive and still denied it all. I started to notice he stopped hugging me in bed and he was very distant. I started going to bed before him and he started sleeping on the couch, so I tried staying up and yep he went to bed early. One night I thought I could hear him going at it for hours even right into the next day. I decided to talk to him again and I did we ended up having sex but he couldn’t stay hard so I Googled it and it came up with abusive masturbation. He continued watching porn and still told me I needed help and I was trying to destroy our relationship. He kept telling me how messed up in the head I was but I knew I wasn't. Then I think I started imagining it was happening when it wasn't, we had a huge fight and he smashed my phone and a couple of days later he gave me his phone after he factory reset it of course. Why is he emotionally abusing me? And why do you think he denied the porn? Am I crazy?” -Leticia

Another important piece to understand in making sense of the attraction of porn is that what most men and women find sexually appealing can be very different.

Why does he want to look at female parts? I don’t get it.”

If you’re a woman like this one then you’ll need to accept that there are just going to be elements about porn that aren’t going to make any sense to you.

But even though you don’t get it, that doesn’t mean you can’t empathize with your husband that the pull of watching porn is a struggle for him just as it is for most men.

Will He Ever Want Me More Than Porn?

The answer to that is a blurry possibly, but with an asterix.

If your husband has developed a porn addiction, breaking the habit can be really hard.

However, in order to regain a healthy sex life he’ll need to eliminate porn as an option. This is a lot more difficult for most men than you’d think.

Many men who’ve become reliant on porn still love and desire their wives. They just don’t know how to undo what’s become so easy and feels “normal.”

They also may not have any idea how much pain it causes their partners.

If your husband doesn’t seem to want sex with you but is watching porn, start with having a frank conversation with him about how you feel and what changes you want.

Then talk about going further than just his trying to stop again. Talk about getting professional help from a doctor like me.

What To Take Away

If you came to this site not understanding why your husband doesn’t want sex but watches porn, hopefully you now have a better idea.

If porn is causing a problem, or even just confusion, in your relationship, remember the following things:

Watching porn can fulfill a different type of need than having sex with you does. That doesn’t mean watching porn should be accepted.
Porn allows him to be selfish.
Many men believe porn is harmless and has no effect on their sex lives with their wives. They’re wrong.
Watching porn doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you, but it still can cause big problems in a marriage that people don’t recognize.
A man with a porn addiction may need the help of a professional counselor to break the addiction.

It’s very likely that you still have some unanswered questions. However, rather than try to seek more answers you should turn your focus to the question of what to do about it. So, here’s a helpful place to go next to start to learn how to help someone addicted to porn.

Does your husband say he doesn’t want sex but then watches porn? You’re not alone. Please share a little about your story with our other readers and you’ll probably get some responses back (you can stay anonymous if you like).

Editor's Note: This post was originally published March 12, 2020, and has been updated again for accuracy and comprehensiveness.