My Husband Doesn’t Want Sex But Watches Porn – Huh???

    man-doesnt-want-sex-but-still-watches-pornWhat man doesn’t want to have sex? Don’t men think about sex every 6 seconds? Well, no, that’s actually a myth, but it’s true that most men want sex. So, if your husband doesn’t want sex but watches porn how does that make any sense?

    For most women this makes absolutely no sense at all and is extremely confusing. He’s obviously interested in sex or he wouldn’t be interested in porn, right?

    Correct. However, watching porn is about a lot more than sex. Keep reading and I’ll explain.

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    My husband and I have been together for 18 years. He started on the porn sites since the beginning practically. When he kisses me it ‘doesn't feel’ right. No loving. Could this be in my head? Am I expecting too much from kisses? I know there are pecks between a husband and wife but there has never really been passion. I feel it is just a motion. I have never said anything but even if I approach him most of the time it feels as if he doesn't want me to touch him. Could this be all in my mind? All I know is I feel empty at times. My heart aches. He says we don't need intercourse to be intimate. I understand that, but then when we go six months without sex and I know he is interested in it because I catch him watching porn. I know I can't compete and after 18 years I think I have been more than patient. I have tried to be attractive but it is never enough. I can't compete. When is enough---enough?” -Carol

    Carol’s like a lot of women. She wants physical affection and he doesn’t. Her husband doesn’t even want sex, yet he watches porn. And she doesn’t get it. Can you relate?

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    Why Men Like Porn So Much

    A regular complaint I hear from men is that they’re unhappy with their sex lives. Most often it’s about the frequency of sex, with the desire of their partner to have sex, and her willingness to initiate and be a bit adventurous frequently mentioned also. So how does porn match up to these wishes?

    • Is your partner sometimes (or often) not interested? Yes? Well porn stars are always interested, turned on and ready to go.
    • Is your partner always there and ready? No? Porn is.
    • Does your partner require some romance, foreplay, or the stars to perfectly align in order for sex to be possible? Yes? Not with porn – no effort is needed at all.

    Why do men like porn so much? Because it’s always ready to please you, always available, and takes no effort.

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    In some ways it’s really just that simple. However, there’s much more to porn’s appeal than just convenience. Porn is also:

    Endless - Online porn is virtually endless. Just to give a little perspective on just how much there is out there. One of the larger porn sites (44th largest as of 2017) had 1.5 million hours of porn video on its site in 2017, which would take 173 years to watch if viewed non-stop 24 hours a day 7 days a week. And that’s just one site! Porn isn’t even predominantly on porn sites anymore as it’s now all-over social media and elsewhere.

    Variety - The quantity leads to another one of the things that makes porn so appealing and that’s variety. Not just in the number of women that can be seen naked, but in the types of porn. Porn sites are now categorized by the characteristics of the women, type of sex, the scenario and more. The choices are overwhelming. You can learn more about what this is like and how viewers can now even create their own videos in the growing trend of video game porn.

    Fantasy - As I wrote above, one of the most frequent complaints I hear from men in counseling regarding their sex lives is that their partner won’t initiate. Not only does this complaint mean she won’t come on to him, but also that sex is always the same, she’s not willing to mix it up or be adventurous. Part of what’s really important to men about sex is the expectation. It’s exciting to imagine what’s possibly going to happen. The elements of imagination and fantasy that porn provide are one of its biggest attractions.

    My husband and I have been married for 8 years and together for 12. We were friends for about a year before we started dating. He is tall and relatively thin for a man in his early 40s and I am 38 and about a foot shorter than him. When we married I was a size 10 with an hourglass shape and now I'm an 18 with no shape. Some of my weight gain is due to fertility treatments, some to depression and eating issues and the rest to a desk job. I should try harder to lose it and think often about what I could do - but despite having successfully lost in the past I can't seem to find the energy to actually do it now. I'm not sure whether it's my weight gain, our infertility struggles or his obvious addiction to unrealistic porn that's causing our lack of intimacy. We don't always mesh in the bedroom (I'm rather vanilla but I think that's more of a confidence issue). But we've still always had a pretty good physical relationship. But why, if he's having ED issues, can he masturbate on a very regular basis? (so embarrassing) It's really hurtful to me when I see this stuff up on his phone, or when he regularly tells me he's too tired or just gives me a hug and says ‘no’. And while for years we were a very PDA type couple with hand holding, hugging, arm around my shoulders type couple, now I could go for a few weeks without him reaching to touch me. It's always me reaching for him. I don't understand how to approach this differently and he doesn't want to talk about this or talk to anyone. He's my best friend but this is starting to fracture our relationship. I've told him I'm worried about it and just he says, again, that he just doesn't feel like having sex, etc. (with an inferred ‘at all’ at the end) but that he loves me very much. What can I do? It hurts...” - Trinity

    Many men, like Trinity’s husband, think all they want and need is a sexual release, but not sexual intimacy. They’re wrong, however, and don’t know it. If all you want is a release then porn will give you that, but while doing so it deceives you that you don’t need more than that and you actually do.

    How Porn Effects Sex Drive

    Thinking about and wanting to have sex is not a problem for most men. What can be a problem is actually being able to have sex. And I don’t mean just having a willing partner, or in having difficulty performing, such as with ED (Erectile Dysfunction). I mean being realistic about having the time and energy for sex themselves.

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    Sex drive changes for everybody with age, as a relationship matures, through life stressors and transitions, and health issues. Unfortunately, many men still think about sex like they did when they were in their 20s, even though performing and having that frequent and intensity of sex is not practical, and often not even possible. Yet because they haven’t adjusted their expectations, they believe their sex lives are worse than they actually are.

    Relationship of 20 years, was getting married in April, and found out my spouse has been replacing our sex life with porn, and I thought it was ED, and we need to talk about it.” - Amy

    Then comes the influence of porn. Which presents sex as if everyone else is getting it any time they want it and with a partner who’s always ready and willing. If this doesn’t describe you, which it isn’t anybody, then this could be a reason why your husband watches porn instead of having sex with you. The dissatisfaction many men have with their sex lives can be a further draw to porn as it allows them to soothe their unhappiness while at the same time it reinforces their faulty assumptions about sex.

    Porn can both increase sex drive, especially expectations, as well as reduce it. This can be confusing for partners – if my husband is watching porn he must be interested in sex, right? Then why doesn’t want sex with me?

    Part of the answer is that when your sex drive is limited (it is for everybody) and is being satisfied with porn then there’s going to be less, if any, left over for a partner. Excessive porn viewing can also result in Porn-Induced Erectile Dysfunction (PIED), which can cause men to avoid sex with their partner so they won’t have to reveal this embarrassing problem in a real-life encounter.

    Why Your Husband Wants Porn More Than Sex With You

    Why doesn’t he want the real thing?”

    A woman I was counseling about her man’s porn use asked me this recently. I’d explain the reasons to her and then she’d just ask me the same question again the next time we talked. She just couldn’t wrap her head around how he gave up what they both had described as “great sex.”

    I often hear female partners say,

    I’m available, I want to have sex with him, and I’m willing to try anything. Why doesn’t he want to have sex with me?”

    Porn can become a substitute partner – at least as far as sex goes. It can replace sex with your partner, although it doesn’t always. Take a look at an article I wrote about boyfriends who watch porn and want sex too and see how the opposite can happen also.

    Relationships take effort, porn doesn’t. Sure, he could have real sex with you, but what else does that require? Helping you get in the mood and ready to have sex? Making sure it’s enjoyable for you too? Talking afterwards? Not with porn. Some men now believe porn is the perfect sexual partner.

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    Porn is also a drug. And most people who view porn regularly use it as a drug even though they typically don’t realize they’re doing so. When it becomes like a drug addiction there is a dependence upon it for pleasure, use of it for emotion management, like stress relief, and to escape from life. In fact, porn addiction is a common problem we treat at Guy Stuff.

    As I’ve mentioned, porn is always ready to please you, always available, and takes no effort. Can you offer that? Of course not, no one can. Remember that porn is also endless, provides unlimited variety, and nearly limitless fantasization.

    Porn is more appealing than sex with you because there’s no emotional connection, nor any emotional effort necessary, no communication is required, there’s no history or baggage from the past, and it’s all about them and their pleasure.

    It’s hard for partners to compete with porn for sure (as Carol said at the beginning).

    I've been with my partner for 7 years now and recently he hasn't wanted sex with me at all, he has all these excuses as to why he doesn't want to have sex. One night I saw him spying on me and my first thought was he is going to have a wank and I was right. I started to notice that it was every night and yet he still wasn't interested in me. I asked him about it and he got really angry straight away and said it was all in my head and I was imagining things. A few weeks past and he still didn't want sex but he was starting to convince me that it was all in my head so just to confirm I did a terrible thing and put my phone on record and left it in our bedroom, he went to bed and late that night I listened to the recording and yep just as I thought I could hear porn in the background. I didn't say anything but I did ask if he was happy with our relationship and he just said yes he had no real input. I kept trying to have sex with him and he kept rejecting me and the more I recorded the more crazy I got. I told him I know about the porn and he was extremely aggressive and still denied it all. I started to notice he stopped hugging me in bed and he was very distant. I started going to bed before him and he started sleeping on the couch, so I tried staying up and yep he went to bed early. One night I thought I could hear him going at it for hours even right into the next day. I decided to talk to him again and I did we ended up having sex but he couldn’t stay hard so I Googled it and it came up with abusive masturbation. He continued watching porn and still told me I needed help and I was trying to destroy our relationship. He kept telling me how messed up in the head I was but I knew I wasn't. Then I think I started imagining it was happening when it wasn't, we had a huge fight and he smashed my phone and a couple of days later he have me his phone after he factory reset it of course. Why is he emotionally abusing me? And why do you think he denied the porn? Am I crazy?” -Leticia

    Another important piece to understand in making sense of the attraction of porn is that what most men and women find sexually appealing is different.

    Why does he want to look at female parts? I don’t get it.”

    If you’re a woman like this one then you’ll need to accept that there are just going to be elements about porn that aren’t going to make any sense to you. But even though you don’t get it that doesn’t mean you can’t empathize with your husband that the pull of watching porn is a struggle for him just as it is for most men.

    If you came to this site not understanding why your husband doesn’t want sex, but watches porn, hopefully you now have a better idea. Yet it’s very likely that you still have many unanswered questions. However, rather than try to seek more answers you should turn your focus to the question of what to do about it. So, here’s a helpful place to start to learn how to help a porn addict.

    Does your husband say he doesn’t want sex but then watches porn? You’re not alone. Please share a little about your story with our other readers and you’ll probably get some responses back (you can stay anonymous if you like).

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