Women ask Why Does My Boyfriend Watch Porn Then Want Sex With Me? See what a relationship counselor for men says about men Watching Porn And Wanting Sex,
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Porn has become more and more acceptable in our culture.
Sitcoms make fun of it and comedians’ joke about it like it's a normal thing all guys do.
Men tell their partners when they get caught that,
"Every guy does it . . . it's a guy thing."
But porn side effects are never mentioned along with these endorsements.
Yes, there are side effects to porn, and they're not good ones either.
Porn should come with something like the Surgeon General's warning on cigarette packages.
"Yes, most men watch porn, but porn comes with side effects that can and will harm."
Many of you are probably thinking,
What's so bad about porn? It’s no big deal.”
That’s a common misconception. There are actually many not-so-obvious side effects that cause big problems – and not just for the person viewing it.
Most men who watch porn assume that it’s harmless to both them and their partner. In fact, some consider it helpful when it comes to spicing things up in the bedroom or use porn to masturbate and take the place of sex altogether.
The reality, however, is that porn has a major impact on the intimacy in a relationship and trust between partners.
Want proof?
Take a look at these messages from women whose men are doing what supposedly "every guy" does, looking at porn. See if you can see any connections between their concerns and porn.
(By the way, I get messages like these every day from women all around the world, so if you think it's only a couple of women stuck in the 1950s who have a problem with porn, you're wrong.)
Hi my name is Ashley and my husband is Chris we been married for 1 year and our marriage is great except when we are around other women he stares and looks everywhere at them. I just don't know what to do, he's gotta stop, it's getting out of control. We've talked about it several times and he saying he will change, but it's not working. What can I do or what can he do to stop this? He says he don't know why he does it and he wants to stop, but he can't. Please help us. We want this marriage to work so bad we are very much in love, but need to fix this problem ASAP. Please get back to us so we know what to do thank you." -Ashley
Ashley's husband, Chris, likes to look at other women. That's a pretty normal "guy thing," right?
But how come it's so out of control?
And why can't he stop, or at least do it less, especially when his marriage is on the line?
Hmmm. Could this be a porn side effect?
My husband of 26 years does occasional porn on the internet and likes to look at lots of sex stuff. He also talks about having me and another guy have sex while he watches. I am not really into that scene, but he can't understand why. We hardly ever have sex anymore that he isn't pretending or fantasizing that I am with someone else. I don't know what to do to make him understand fantasy and reality." -Kristine D.
Kristine's husband has developed some sexual desires that make her uncomfortable.
It's common for men and women to have different sexual interests, as well as different sex drives. As a result, sex is a source of conflict in many relationships.
However, I'd argue that Kristine's husband's fantasy of watching her have sex with another man is an unhealthy sexual interest, and one not that's good for their relationship either.
A few years ago I counseled a separated couple who’d done something similar in their past.
This guy had a fantasy of being with two women at once and convinced his wife to go along. So, on a trip to Las Vegas he hired a prostitute, and they had a threesome.
Years later during counseling it came out that she never really wanted to participate, but went along to make him happy. This act became one of several cancers that ate away at their relationship and ultimately destroyed it.
These are just a few clear examples of how the side effects of porn can be harmful and not as obvious as one might think.
Not convinced?
Wondering if there are any other side effects of porn?
Take a look below and see if any of these sounds familiar.
Porn,
We all know that men are wired to have this tendency to begin with, but porn takes the desire to look at other women and puts it on steroids.
Men who watch porn typically think about the women they see day-to-day in ways they’ve seen women in porn. I'd bet that Ashley's husband Chris can't stop looking at other women because he's also regularly looking at porn or has in the recent past.
Porn is all about fantasy – it is fantasy and it encourages the viewer to fantasize even more
For most of us there’s a clear difference between fantasy and reality. But porn can make men think that what they see in porn is a possibility.
These fantasies can rob men of the joy of sex and intimacy with their own partners.
Sex is an intimate act between a man and a woman. Porn warps our minds and creates desires outside of this design.
Kristine's husband's desire to watch her having sex with someone else clearly arises from watching porn where he sees women have sex with other men. Now he wants to take that fantasy and apply it in his real life.
Porn destroys intimacy, trust, and the sacredness of the commitment between two people.
There’s actually scientific proof for what those of us treating it's effects have known for years – porn leads to severe relationship problems.
Although not ingested or injected, porn acts like a drug in the brain.
Even the most well-intentioned men who truly value their partners and want to quit, often struggle mightily when they want to stop watching porn.
Porn addiction is a real problem and can be difficult to overcome without professional help.
Yes, as counterintuitive as it may seem, porn can cause men to have issues getting and maintaining an erection.
This is not a problem of physical origin, but one caused by the way porn rewires the brain and the psychological changes that porn creates.
Much like a drug, the more porn you watch the more you need to become aroused and satisfied.
This translates directly to the bedroom.
Many men eventually find it nearly impossible to perform sexually without the assistance of porn as a stimulant.
This is not meant to be a complete list of porn side effects, but describes several of the most significant ones, as well as those seen in the two relationships described above.
Although the side effects of porn can be hard to spot initially, those described above are indisputable and regularly observed in relationships where porn is a factor.
Porn clearly isn't as harmless as many people want to believe. And as porn becomes more socially acceptable, it's very important that the negative effects become better known too.
Of course, the best way to avoid the problems associated with porn is to never watch it at all.
Sadly, however, most men and many women regularly watch or have at least been exposed to porn. If the problems above sound familiar there is hope and help, however – you need to be ready to accept it.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published September 30, 2014, updated on July 21, 2020, and has been updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Women ask Why Does My Boyfriend Watch Porn Then Want Sex With Me? See what a relationship counselor for men says about men Watching Porn And Wanting Sex,
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I have no doubt that porn is a probably a bad thing if a man looks at it too much as he will have less physical desire for his wife.
However, I suspect that a large number of husbands look at porn because their wives either refuse to have sex with them or rarely have sex with them. What is the man to do if his wife decides for apparently arbitrary reasons to have far less sex with her husband than she used to do? What if the wife isn't working and they have no kids, so she cannot legitimately say that she's too busy taking care of the family? I think that a lot of men in this situation do turn to porn because they have physical needs that their wives aren't fulfilling.
Kurtis
Have you stopped to think that perhaps it's because the wife doesn't want to be demoralized and humiliated in her own bedroom with her husband. That perhaps she's lost all desire for her husband due to the porn. Perhaps the wife doesn't want to be used while her husband fantasizes about someone else.
Melody, I am referring to situations where the wife does not even know that the husband looks at porn. If the wife takes it upon herself to reduce the amount of sex she has with her husband, then I don't think that there is anything wrong with the husband looking at porn.
Some women probably pretend that they are more into sex than they really are during the courtship phase to trick men into marrying them. I know that is a cynical view, but I think it is true.
kurtis,
sounds a bit like one of those guys completely out of touch with what women want/need...woman don't just not be into sex for no reason at all!..It has all to do with her lover...and not so much the 'tiredness"!
If you think women maintain the same sex drive after they have security of the relationship, you're delusional. It's one of the most well known phenomena in history. Many men, I'd argue most men, turn to porn because their sexual needs aren't met.
So I've been with my bf for just over 3 years I had my first child with him and it was his second, we are both 26 and in good physical health. When we first got together there was so much he his from me from lying about other girls and flirting and seeing them behind my back to watching porn daily multiple times, over the years I can't tell you how many times I've caught him lying about the same things. Talking to one girl specifically. This whole time telling her he loves her and how he wishes he could be with her, saving pictures of her from Snapchat and facebook, and even taking her out for drinks once during my first 2 weeks as a mother. Caught him lying even more about his porn watching and saved pictures and videos. I've woken up in the middle of the night to him jacking it while I'm right next to him almost always wanting to physically be with him no matter what. Fight or no fight. Pregnant or not. Period or not. Feeling sexy or not so much. I love him I'm always eager to express that through sex or oral sex. I've tried every approach calm, honest and open, angry amd hurt, livid, light heartedly, resentful, scientifically, emotionally... Nothing has worked every time it ends in either an argument and hurt or tears and apologies and more promises to change. But yet he never makes it more than a week or two. I notice now that he had a harder time staying hard and finishing with everything we do in the bedroom. He's almost never affectionate besides a peck kiss here and there or a momentarily cuddle. I'm very hurt and feel very disconnected from him, that's how I dont even have to ask him if hes watching porn his actions tell me now that ive done this loop so many times. I'm grateful that he has deleted all social media and isn't talking to other girls or flirting with them. That took years but the lies still continue. And for being in our 20s we have the sex life of a 70+ not attracted to eachother elderly couple. And it makes me feel like I'm wasteing my best years with a guy who would rather jack it to some girl on pornhub who isnt nearly as pretty as me or had as nice of a body ad mine (I'm a personal trainer so looking good is kinda my job) I look better now than before I had my daughter I feel. Idk what to do I've mentioned counseling but we dont have the money for it.plus to him porn is normal and explained it like it was the reason hes never physically cheated on me. He uses a pizza as an analogy, he loved pizza all kinds, and I give him pepperoni pizza everyday and porn is like Canadian bacon or cheese ECT. He says if he only had the pepperoni eventually he will be sick of it and never want it again but my having other types of pizza (girls in the pictures and videos) it somehow magically is helping him stay happy with me ... Its so infurriating and hurtful. I want a guy who wants to get married someday, a guy who is an example of the type of husband my daughter should some day be looking for, a man who thinks I'm the most beautiful woman in his world, who would rather wait as long as needed for me in real life than for go for some quick porn release BECAUSE he sees me as what he wants over everyone and everything, a man who wants to work on our relationship and sex life on the daily, a man who is honest in front of me and behind my back behind closed doors or out with his single guy friends, a man who holds respect and honesty and physical affection and connection and emotionally and working as a team/ best friends, as top priorities. I don't want to loose my love and father of my daughter because he couldnt connect with me and be honest and faithful. What should I do!? I'm at a loss