Is Porn Addiction Valid Grounds For A Divorce?

8 min Read

Contents

• What To Consider Before Trying To Connect Porn To Divorce
• How PORN Could Spell DIVORCE
• Keeping Porn Addiction From Causing Divorce
• What To Take Away

For many women, knowing that their husband watches porn feels as much like a betrayal as if he were actually sleeping with another woman. After all, he’s experiencing the kind of physical pleasure that he should be experiencing with you, even if it’s just doing it through a screen and with his hand. But as painful as this situation can be, is porn addiction really grounds for divorce?

Well, that’s a more complicated question than it seems. Much of the answer depends on the context of the question.

What To Consider Before Trying To Connect Porn To Divorce

Before you can start connecting porn to divorce you need to consider what you’re asking.

Are you asking if porn addiction is legal grounds for divorce? Actually, most states are “no-fault divorce,” so in those places getting a divorce doesn’t require a stated reason. If a partner desires a divorce, then so be it.

But if you’re looking for legal ways to leverage a porn addiction in a divorce settlement you should know that, although porn can feel like actual cheating -- legally speaking it's not considered adultery because porn is not a sex act with another person (one of the traditional grounds for divorce).

These legal nuances around divorce can be complicated. It’s important to seek the guidance of a family law attorney if you want to get this detailed.

Or, are you asking if his porn habit gives you a way to justify feeling like you want your relationship to be over and it allows you to feel that getting a divorce is the right move?

In this context there are several things to consider, and the answer could be yes or no depending upon what you’re willing to do.

How PORN Could Spell DIVORCE

While porn addiction may not be specific legal grounds for initiating divorce, it can be a huge indicator of other problems within the marriage. Depending upon the extent of these problems, a porn addiction can push you to think divorce is the best option.

Frequent porn watching is directly associated with:

• Emotional abandonment
  
  
• Lack of intimacy
  
  
• Poor communication
  
  
• Lies, deception, and loss of trust
  
  
• Affairs

All of these are reasons that can lead to a marriage failing and ultimately divorce.

It can be hard for men to believe that what seems like a harmless pastime and a little self-pleasure can have such destructive consequences.

I mean all guys watch porn, right?

Well, actually no, they don’t, but that’s a different article.

As for the above, consider the following scenario.

Jerry likes to watch porn. His wife Lisa is busy with work and kids and they don’t have sex as much as he wants to. Besides, some of the women on the internet and what they can and will do is insanely hot. No harm, no foul – Lisa sleeps while he takes care of business.

Lisa, on the other hand, knows Jerry does this and hates it. She’s asked him to stop and even though he says he will, he doesn’t. She’s caught him, found it on his phone and seen it on his iPad (lies, deception, and loss of trust). Because of this she looks at him differently and she feels inadequate. Why doesn’t he want her? Why are those women more interesting to him than she is?

They never seem to have sex anymore and she’s not even sure she wants to knowing what he likes to look at – she’s nothing like those women (Lack of intimacy).

Lisa feels like they’ve grown apart. She tried talking to him about it, but it’s weird and he won’t listen. He doesn’t seem to get how this is affecting them (Poor communication).

So, they’ve just kind of stopped talking. They don’t even really say “I love you” anymore. It just doesn’t feel the same (Emotional abandonment).

As a result of all this, Lisa met Steve. He finds her attractive, smart, funny, and he listens. She didn’t mean to, but she suddenly found herself engaged in an emotional affair with a man that seems to value her in a way her own husband doesn’t (Affair).

Or, it could occur like this.

As a result of the busyness in their lives Jerry feels estranged from Lisa.

He’s tired of sex with himself and really wants a partner, but Lisa doesn’t seem to want anything to do with him at this point.

So, when Gwen seems willing and adventurous, he figures, why not?

He’s still young and virile – why should he have to be celibate? If his wife won’t have sex with him, he’ll find someone who will (Affair).

So, what’s next for Lisa and Jerry?

In all likelihood if they don’t seek help, it’s divorce.

This is how porn addiction can snowball and create the grounds for divorce.

Not buying it?

Dr. Kurt works with couples like Lisa and Jerry all the time. According to him,

People often come to marriage counseling not with the intent to see if they can fix their marriage, but to finalize their decision to get divorced. They want an authority figure (therapist, attorney, or judge) to tell them they're right to get divorced. So, getting asked if a problem like porn addiction is grounds for divorce is common. However, deciding to divorce is an individual and personal decision that each person needs to make for themselves - you're the one who has to live with the decision the rest of your life, not us professionals. Most jurisdictions today don't even require a grounds for divorce. You can divorce him because he watches too much porn or too much football. Ultimately, it shouldn't matter to anyone but you. Although, I strongly recommend that you get some professional counseling to try to fix it before you make the life changing decision to end it.”

Keeping Porn Addiction From Causing Divorce

Although not uncommon, Jerry and Lisa are the worst-case scenario.

A porn addiction doesn’t have to mean divorce if you’re able to put some safeguards in the relationship. This doesn’t mean accepting porn and making it okay in the marriage. Porn is almost never a benign, harmless form of entertainment or sexual release. It can ultimately cause all the problems Jerry and Lisa faced.

But there are some things you can do to prevent an addiction to porn from becoming your grounds for divorce.

Talk to Him Immediately

Talking about porn can be awkward for sure. It can feel like an embarrassing topic for one or both partners. But this may be the most crucial step in keeping your marriage intact and his porn addiction from meaning divorce.

Some of the points that should be discussed are:

• Why porn?

Does your husband want more sex, different sex, or was it a choice based on opportunity?

Often porn addiction starts as a curiosity. Maybe a buddy sent a video, or there was an advertisement for a site that was too tempting not to click. Whatever the “why” is, address it together and make sure that there’s not a ready void for porn to fill.

Dr. Kurt cautions that the “why” can be more complicated than this, however. In his years treating porn addiction he’s seen porn used for reasons that go much deeper than dissatisfaction with sex.

• How porn makes you feel.

Most women don’t behave (or look like) like the women on the screen. Let him know that feeling like he prefers them and what they do over you makes you feel like you’re not enough or like you have to compete with the women on the screen (assuming this is how you feel).

To be clear, you don’t. The women on screen are actresses and paid to behave the way they do. Porn isn’t a realistic depiction of a healthy sexual relationship. Besides, if he can’t swing from a helicopter while saving a small child and taking out all the bad guys with a bow-and-arrow, he can’t expect you to reenact a flying trapeze act naked.

• Feeling left out and alone.

Masturbating and watching porn is a solo activity. The person doing it is focused on their own pleasure and nothing else. Sex between two people involves the pleasure of both and no one person is in control of the experience.

Porn addiction can cause a man to forget this and ultimately make sex with his spouse dissatisfying because it’s multifaceted and requires his being selfless, something he may become unaccustomed to doing with sex.

Consider Talking to a Professional

This can also fall into the awkward category. But if it’s clear that your husband (or you – women can become addicted to porn as well) is unable to resist the temptation of porn there are counselors who specialize in porn addiction that can be of help.

These professionals are adept at creating a comfortable and safe environment devoid of judgement as they help you get back on track.

Much like ingested or injected drugs, porn has a chemical effect on the brain. The more you see porn the more porn you want to see. This can make it really hard (no pun intended) to stop on your own.

So, before you allow porn to be the grounds for your divorce consider speaking to a professional – a counselor, not a lawyer.

Try Not to Judge

As distasteful as porn can be to many women, if you love your husband and believe him to be a good man, don’t allow porn by itself to change your opinion.

When my dog killed a bird, I had a hard time looking at him or petting him. I was disgusted and could only picture blood and feathers in his mouth. But killing the bird didn’t make him a bad dog and watching porn doesn’t make your husband a bad man.

Yes, an adult man has far more ability to control his actions than my fluffy, golden retriever who somehow believes that he saved me from that menacing dove, but it’s a fair, parallel analogy.

So, try to understand the “why” behind your husband’s interest in porn. Doing so could result in your being able to help him overcome his porn addiction together.

What To Take Away

Porn addiction is tricky. Many couples struggle to talk about intimacy, sex, and romance in their marriage as it is. Add porn to the equation and it can feel like standing on hot coals while you’re trying to have a meaningful discussion.

But porn and divorce aren’t intrinsically linked. If your marriage is struggling because of a porn addiction keep the following things in mind before assuming divorce is the next step.

• Porn itself isn’t generally considered grounds for divorce. If you’re trying to make the case that it is, consider the context of your question and if what you’re really asking is, “How can I justify divorcing my husband?’

• Porn is often symptomatic of other marital issues that can lead to divorce. It’s those problems that need to be looked at more closely before determining the next steps in your marriage.
  
  
• Porn addiction that goes undiscussed and unaddressed can cause resentment and make problems in the marriage balloon to a level that feels overwhelming.
  
  
• There are ways to nip things in the bud and turn your marriage around. This may feel uncomfortable, embarrassing, and require the help of a counselor, but it’s almost certainly better than dealing with divorce.

A marriage requires that partners have the ability to talk about the hard, ugly topics in order for it to survive in a happy, healthy way. Sexual issues are often one of those hard topics and porn addiction especially so. But if your alternative is to ignore it, live with it, or end your marriage, the conversation is well worth the temporary discomfort.

So, before you let porn addiction become grounds for a divorce, consider taking the necessary steps to try to fix your marriage.

Editor's Note: This post was originally published July 30, 2020. It has been updated for accuracy and comprehensiveness.

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