What can you do if you think My Husband Is Not Physically Attracted To Me?
6 Min Read
Contents
If you’ve lost intimacy in your marriage, you’re not alone.
One of the greatest gifts offered by marriage is intimacy – or at least it should be. Unfortunately, for many couples that gift breaks down over time and partners are left feeling alone and distant from one another.
The good news is that things don’t have to stay this way.
If the intimacy in your marriage has been lost that doesn’t mean it’s gone for good. In most cases there are pathways back to what you had, or a new version that’s even better.
Before we discuss how to regain the lost intimacy in marriage, we should talk about what intimacy is – it’s more than what most people think.
Very often people talk about intimacy as though it’s a synonym for sex. True intimacy, however, is much more than just sex. In fact, there are several types of intimacy and they all play an important role in a healthy marriage.
Merriam-Webster’s Dictionary defines intimacy as:
1. the state of being intimate: FAMILIARITY
2. something of a personal or private nature
So, yes, sex is intimate, but not all intimacy is sexual.
Dr. Kurt sees couples daily who are struggling with intimacy. Most often they refer specifically to sex. But more often than not there’s a great deal more to it. According to Dr. Kurt,
All the time I hear partners say, 'We're not intimate anymore.' What almost all of them mean is that they don't have sex anymore. But they're also usually correct (unknowingly) in stating that they aren't intimate in any of intimacy's other forms either. Unfortunately, they don't usually recognize (especially us men) these other places where they've lost intimacy in their marriage, or how they're directly related to the loss of sex. When there's effort at building non-sexual physical intimacy (guys, this means leave out the expectation of it leadng to sex), or maintaining mental intimacy, or the real big one in order for most women to have a desire for sex is creating emotional intimacy, then sexual intimacy usually follows. The different forms of intimacy are all interconnected, important, and dependent upon each other."
The primary types of intimacy in a marriage are:
Sexual intimacy is a big part of most healthy marriages. Those living in sexless marriages often feel rejected and undesired. Feeling unwanted by the person who’s supposed to love you unconditionally is extremely painful.
Touching, holding hands, hugging, kissing, or just being close to each other are all examples of physical intimacy. Think about it – those aren’t things you do with just anyone, you reserve those efforts for your partner or those to whom you’re close.
Physical intimacy demonstrates affection and by doing so helps break down barriers and create a connection between partners.
But by allowing yourself to express feelings, confide, and trust your partner, you create emotional intimacy.
When emotional intimacy is lost in a marriage it can feel like you and your partner exist together but with a wall between you. Eventually you each live in your own worlds, keeping thoughts, feelings, and love to yourselves rather than sharing it with each other.
Whatever that looks like for you, sharing a common belief or preferred expression of spirituality can be an important part of marriage. It’s a lot like sharing the same views on parenting or morality, except perhaps more intimate.
In a healthy and successful marriage, all forms of intimacy will be present.
For most couples, intimacy in all forms exists and is strong at the beginning of their relationship. At least that would be the hope.
But somewhere along the way many couples find that the intimacy in their marriage gets lost.
The big question is, why?
Typically losing intimacy in marriage is something that happens gradually. Schedules get busy, communication starts to fail, and couples start neglecting to make time for each other.
This can mean you end up drifting apart and feeling like strangers.
Do you share any kind of intimacy with a stranger? No, of course not.
Other reasons for lost intimacy in marriage include:
These aren’t the only reasons intimacy gets lost in a marriage, but they are some of the leading factors.
One of the big mistakes couples make is confusing cause and effect when the intimacy is lost in their marriage.
This (chose your quote from above) is why the intimacy is gone from our relationship.”
Sound familiar?
Let’s be clear about something – the above are not CAUSES for losing intimacy in your marriage. They are RESULTS of losing intimacy in your marriage.
Not understanding the difference can mean you never address the real issue.
Intimacy in all its forms is part of what,
When you allow the intimacy in your marriage to get lost it’s like removing a protective barrier. If it goes on too long the feelings that can result are,
Some of the actions that can then result from those feelings are,
So, is intimacy in all it’s forms important to maintain? Yes, it’s crucial.
If you feel, or are starting to feel, like the intimacy in your marriage has been lost, you probably want to know if there’s a fix.
Yes, there is - if you’re willing to put in the effort.
It’s not a simple as,
Those things certainly won’t hurt, but they’re simply not enough.
To truly bring the intimacy back to your marriage you and your partner need to share that desire to get it back and make it a common goal. Then you need to create a plan together to make the effort and keep each other on track.
Regaining intimacy in marriage can’t be done alone.
It’s important to note that this isn’t always an easy process. In fact, if the intimacy has been gone for a long time, it can feel almost impossible to get it back.
People will often say they know what needs to be done, they just have no idea how to do it.
The truth is, rebuilding lost intimacy in a marriage can be complicated. It requires learning how to be vulnerable and open with one another again, and that can feel very uncomfortable.
This is an area where marriage counseling or couples counseling can be extremely beneficial. Learning effective strategies for reconnecting is something many couples need to do. These strategies then act as tools to be used ongoing to maintain intimacy.
If you’ve lost intimacy in marriage, it doesn’t mean your relationship is over as long as you work to get it back.
Remember,
No relationship is always “happy.” But when you’ve lost intimacy in marriage it can make weathering the tough times extremely difficult.
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